Delusional Dissolutions

It's that time of the year again.  It's time to make those New Year's Revolutions.

What?

Oh.  It's not "revolution".

Yeah, good catch. The only thing revolving around here is my head after a bit of wine.  

Let me try again.  

Resolutions.  Goals.  Yeah, that's it. 

They should be SMART goals:

S - Sarcastic

M- Memorable

A - Antagonistic

R - Retarted

T - Tasty

What?

Oh, sorry.  I was hungry.  Maybe "T" shouldn't be for Tasty.  How about Tempting?

Example:   I will win the lottery (sarcastic, memorable, tempting) but will not share any of the winnings with my bloggy buddies (antagonistic).  I will do this by not purchasing a lottery ticket (sarcastic, retarded). 

Pffft.

AnyMeasurableGoal, I hope you had a great Christmas.  Did you have any awkward Christmas moments?  My mom had one when my brother opened a gift.   It was a shirt.  Underneath the shirt was a pair of white silk long johns.  Oops.  Those were for me.  

No.  I will not model them for you.

I hope you have some kind of plans for bringing in the new year.  Me?  Hubby and I hope to have a winey dinner at the house and watch movies. 

SMART - Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-bound.  Go for it.  

H A P P Y   N E W   Y E A R!!!

On the 4th Day of Christmas, The Gift of Song for Thee

I have Jenn over at "Christmas Cabbages" to thank for this post.   I was going to buy more virtual gifts but I noticed my credit card was maxed out.  I'm sure this is because of Hubby's gift purchases for me.

Today, we have a game to play.  It's easy.  Fill in the blanks using the words from Christmas song titles.

There's too much _______ up north and in Europe. Travelers are upset because they may not be _____ for Christmas and that Santa cannot come into ______. There was an incident at the London airport where one stranded traveler punched a guy for singing _____________.

It doesn't feel like Christmas as it has been warm here and it's not because of _____ roasting over an open fire.

It's also allergy season. I resemble poor _____ with the ____ nose but by this weekend I'll be ____ because of colder weather.

When I was a wee tyke, I saw Momma ______ing Santa Claus. I had come downstairs to remind her that I wanted to be a drummer. Momma said a boy played a drum for the baby Jesus in the hangar. (I think Momma meant manger. She'd been drinking). On Christmas, Momma and Daddy disappeared into their bedroom while I watched The Christmas Story. Momma must have been praying because I kept hearing her shout "Jesus". "Howlay", and someone name "Louyah" must have needed a lot of blessing.

I look forward to seeing your answers in the comments.  Feel free to make up something.  The sillier the better.

Also, Evil Twin wanted to let you know that she found the perfect gift for anyone that shares a bed with another person...or a pet:

Save Your Marriage Blanket

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

On the 3rd Day of Christmas, This Geek Gives to Three or More

Evil Twin, Hubby, and I had a great time at the company Christmas party Saturday night.  I told myself I was only going to eat seafood (Shrimp Cocktail and Crab Claws) and salad but a plate of stuffed turkey, yams, and bread appeared in front of me and I couldn't be wasteful, now could I?  Then, the dessert table beckoned.  No.  I think it screamed for me.  A ramekin of freshly heated Apple/Cherry Cobbler and a tiny bite of Chocolate Fudge Cake found its way to my plate, mouth, and tummy.

Oink.

Got TUMS?

For entertainment, we watched ballerinas twirl themselves in tapestries and we laughed at white guys (Hubby's co-workers) swaying and jiggling off-beat on the dance floor.  Everyone knows that most white guys simply cannot dance!

Evil Twin tried to get me to take photos of outfits we labeled "WTF - WHAT THE FROCK?" but I couldn't get Hubby's phone in focus and that annoying flash kept drawing attention.  Sigh.

Oh. You're here for the virtual gifts for my bloggy buddies?

I almost forgot.

Here we go: 

When I think of you, crafty polka-dotted Jean Knee, I think of....

 Yes, indeed.  Flying Monkeys!

A creative superhero mammal with a cape and a tail, mischievous and carefree at the same time.  I hope you can keep them from throwing pooh at each other.

Oh, Yippee!  Here's something for my favorite American-made German blogging buddy, Honeypiehorse:

That's right. Hours of entertainment for you and your family.  Wait.  Didn't you mention that YOUR tummy was getting bigger?  Hum........Maybe you need a cleanse to free yourself of all that you have eaten.

What?

You're pregnant?

You're not old?

Oh.  Oops.

For Dana, my frozen Indiana friend with the cute white furry beast and her very own first novel:

Bacon, Bacon, BACON scarf!

What?  Beau will love it.  I can see him peeing on the rug in excitement.  Not what you expected?

Sheesh.  OK.  I have something else for you:

Yeah. Cookbooks.  Joe told me you could use some help.

Oh, wait.  Maybe he meant that you could use HIS help.

Oops.

Oh Joan, sweet Anything Fits a Naked Man blogger.  How could I not find something special just for you?  Wait.  Evil Twin is interrupting me saying SHE has the perfect gift.

.....

"That's DISGUSTING.  Put it down.  We will get this for Joan instead":

Every girl needs magic, right?  Who needs Hermione when you have these?

Finally, a lovely gift for hard-working Mrsblogalot.  She has a real job where she is required to pay attention and work at the same time.  Wowie. 

Just in case you have a problem with drop-in company now and then, this gift just might do the trick:

Hum....but if it doesn't work out, you can always re-gift it next year!

Tune in next week for one last "day" of Geek giving.

For 2nd day gifts, go here.

For 1st day gifts, go here.

Photo credits:  Monkeys: Plow&Hearth, All others:  Wireless.com

On the 2nd Day of Christmas, This Geek Gives to Three Or More

Welcome to the 2nd day of Christmas here in Geekville.   Evil Twin and I have been out shopping and have once again found the most wonderful gifts for some of my bestest bloggy buddies:

For Lauren over at Think Spin,  you won't believe what I found:

You guessed it.  Star Wars cupcakes.   

Amuse your guests with Luke and Darth Vader playing who has the biggest and most deadly wand.   On another tray, Han and Leia may need to be supervised.  The all-knowing, backwards-speaking Yoda will guide you as you complete your shopping.  "Best gift for me choose".

Also, what's up with the placement of those little sticks holding up the figures? Oh, my, my.

Next is my gift for Ziva at Ziva's Inferno.   She says she has cooties cookies on her blog.  I hope they aren't burning. 

EEEEEK!  Our teeth are too white and we match!

Who can resist these Look-alike nighties modeled by these very happy people?  I hope you enjoy your sleepwear that oddly resembles kitchen curtains.  

I hear it's freakin' cold up in Finland so these garments should come in handy.  Don't have a little tyke?  No problem.   Get one for your significant other or for your girlfriends and have a slumber party.  Don't forget to invite me!

WOWIE!  Look what I've found.  It's a gift for Sue at Farvel Cargo.  I'm so jealous.  I wanted this gift for myself:

These little dolls are pulling at my heartstrings.  I hope you enjoy playing with them.   I DO NOT want to see photos of them hanging by their necks or positioned in the guillotine.  I DEFINITELY DO NOT want to see photos of your dog puking red yarn. 

Last but never least is my present for Leeuna, at My Mind Wandered.

I'm so sorry, Leeuna.  I didn't have enough money so the guy only sold me 1.5 boots.  I know that you are disappointed that one foot will be getting a bit cold the next time you go dancing. I'll do something to make it up to you.

Just in case your dogs are not doing all that they can do to keep you warm, I got you this:

I don't think the girl, her ring, the remote, and thankfully, the couch, come with the Camo Snuggie.  Sorry....again.

Wait.  There's more.  I made one last trip to the store today and found this for 00dozo at When I Reach:

Ah, the perfect gift for someone living in the Bahamas.  I would love to be there with you and warm-up from this chilly weather we're having here in Texas.   Ummmm.... 

Excuse me a sec.

YEE-OUCH! 

Sorry, one of them escaped and stung me before it shriveled up and died but I assure you that your gift is safe.

CRASH!

Sigh.

That's all for now.  Tune in next week when there may or may not be more gifts!

The 1st day of Christmas selections are available here:

Photo credits:  Camo Girl: Stolen Internet Photo, Williams-Sonoma catalog (Star Wars cupcakes), Vermont Country Store catalog (gowns), all others are from Signals.com

On the 1st Day of Christmas, This Geek Gives to Three

I'm told it's "The Holidays", that wonderful time of the year that brings out the best in everyone.  We feel all tingly inside, frolicking about in shopping malls, graciously handing over the last of the latest fad toy to the person behind us.  We eat and drink moderately at parties and we don't make fun of crazy Uncle Earl at family events.  We reach out to those in need.

Let's all sing Kumbaya around the nuts chestnuts roasting on an open fire......

SCCCRREE-EEEECH!

*removes needle from record*

Oh my.  I don't know where that came from.  Let me try again.

Humbug, bah.  Holidays.  Again?

SIGH. 

Yippee.

SCCCRREE-EEEECH!

*removes needle from record*

Let's give it one more whirl.

Cookies.  Rum balls.  FUDGE.  Virtual Shopping for Bloggy Buddies!

YEE-HAW!  It's "The Holidays!!!"

That's more like it.

I'm kicking off the season with a few special gifts just for you, my loyal readers.*

For my BBFF (Best Blogging Friend Forever) Zombie Queen Quirky, I have found the most delightful gift:

Our favorite Zombie Loon will never be at a loss for a thought brainz again. Quirky, if possible, please share with us how much you enjoyed your meal gift!

For Boom-Boom, aka Cat Lady Without Cats, aka Super Camper Paula,

 

May they light up your life or at least a dark hallway.   I hope to hear that you now sleep with them on your bedside table and they comfort you.

Today's last gift is for Driveling Deb, my nearly always frozen pal up in coastal Maine:

I'm expecting Deb to wear these while walking to her mailbox and taking Nutjob, her crazy ferocious beast she calls a dog, for a walk.  I'd like a report from Mr. Man and the neighbors.

*I hope to find gifts for all of you but I reserve the right to run out of time, energy, and interest.  Yeah, like regular Christmas shopping.  Snort.

Tune in next time for the 2nd Day of Christmas gifts, knowing that my definition of day may be different than yours.  It will probably be next week.

Photo credits:  Scanned from Wireless and Signals catalogs