Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Because People are Stupid

I got a CD of guided meditations for Christmas. You're probably thinking HUH? It's a long story about one of my other lives....

BE QUIET SYBIL!

Anyway, I'm reading the information on the back cover and it explains how the meditations may make you very relaxed or that you may even fall asleep. OKEY DOKEY. I understand. I get it. And then the last line:
Do not listen to these meditations while driving.
WTF? Why did they have to say that?

Oh yeah. It's because someone will do this, fall asleep, crash their car and kill someone or themselves. In other words, trying to become one with their car and a tree or something like that.

But wait. There's more.

I was cleaning a drawer (yes, I do this every few years) and noticed the instructions for my hair dryer. Insert plug into outlet. Read all the directions before using the product. Do not plug too many items into one outlet. Yada yada. And then:
Do not use while bathing.
WTF? Why did they have to say that?

Oh yeah. It's because someone will do this and die. Well-deserved. Maybe there's hope for the gene pool yet.


Other ingenious ways to kill or maim yourself:
  • Ladders, power lines and you trying to occupy the same space. EEEEEK!
  • Stepping on the sheetrock while up in the attic. SPLAT!
  • While driving, turning around to look in the back seat taking your eyes off the road and/or moving the steering wheel with you as you turn your body. YIKES!
  • Pull up at the gas station pump, get out of the car, and light up a cigarette. Pump gas. KABOOM!
  • Substitute something unstable for a ladder because you just don't want to go get one. WHAM!
Fortunately, so far, none of these things have happened to me. My dad has stepped thru the attic and my aunt used a bar stool as a ladder and ended up in the ER, on Christmas Eve. Sounds like it might be in my genes. Uh oh.

We all hope that we won't die because we did something stupid. If this happens to me, I hope that whoever writes my obituary will kindly omit the details.


Hope you have a great New Year. See you on the other side for more fun and games!

Let's bring in the new year with some smileys over at humor-blogs.com.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Got popcorn?

To wind down from entertaining and all the prep and clean-up that goes with it, Hubby and I like to find a few free moments to watch some movies. As I review the list of movies that have crossed the airwaves at our house recently, I ask myself WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Some of these we actually "watched" as opposed to it's just on. You have to understand that when Hubby is home, the TV is ALWAYS on. When I'm home alone, the TV is ALWAYS off.

Well, almost always off.

As for the entertaining, we had these little things over at our house Saturday; not real sure what they were. They were pint-sized, squirmy, made squeaky noises, and like to eat candy. We tried securing them with rope, teasing them with the coyotes and wild pigs, threatened to throw them out of airplanes or that we would be putting them in the oven but to no avail. We even tried Hide 'N' Seek and directed them to the giant wardrobe upstairs. Nothing worked. They had endless energy and bottomless pits for stomachs. Why can't we channel their energy for power?

We finally identified them as Hubby's cousins and someone explained that they were "children".

Oh.

Seriously, they were well-behaved and had a great time running around and playing in our yard (with all the leaves from Canada and Mexico and a neighbor's cat; no coyotes or wild pigs stopped by).

So back to the movies.

Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me: WTF? I've seen this movie before and once was enough. But last week it was on some channel somewhere deep in the innards of the choices offered by our satellite service and neither one of us were able to find the energy to change the channel. Mike Myers is talented and I loved him as Shrek but I don't have much use for Austin Powers. Dr. Evil and his clone? Sure, why not. I will say that I like the last scene where everyone is looking at the sky creatively describing Dr. Evil's rocket ship.

Kung Fu Panda: Um......am I an 8-year old? I think I would have liked it much better if I were 8 or maybe 4. Although funny in parts, it was incredibly silly and slow more often than I thought necessary. I kept expecting the Jonas Brothers to appear and break into song. It made me hungry for noodles though.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets: Entertaining but even more silly than the first one. I kept looking for Indiana Jones to show up and run screaming from a room full of snakes. I used to have a thing for Nicholas Cage. I got over that. He seems to whine too much in whatever movie he's in.

I'm much more into Matt Damon now. Bring me some Bourne!

A few times I walked into the den and Shrek 3 was on. At least I like Shrek and each time I see the movie, I notice more of the jokes/gags that are more adult in nature. How often do you get to see the results of some nooky between a dragon and a donkey? And a cat in boots is simply irresistible. Shrek and Fiona must be the also-rans although I really admire Fiona's gusto in this one.

I'm ready for some basic TV shows. We got HD for Christmas so we are all set for Lost and 24 to start in January. It's about DAMN time!

How about a dramatic smiley vote here at humor-blogs.com?

Friday, December 26, 2008

On a Scale from 1 to 12


Now that most of you have probably celebrated way too much or at least eaten your way out of house and home, how do you know if your holiday celebration qualified as successful?

So in the true spirit of an unreformed geek, I've come up with my own criteria to define SUCCESS:
  1. No celebration attendee is transferred to the ER either by ambulance or speeding vehicle.
  2. Fewer than 3 guests expecting to arrive at your house at a designated time to begin a meal are more than 15 minutes late.
  3. Absolutely zero toilets overflow at your home.
  4. No fire trucks arrive at your residence to put out any type of fire or explosion.
  5. Your smoke alarm only goes off 1 time.
  6. None of your guests break out in hives.
  7. You don't hear shrieks of "OH SHIT!" and/or hear the sound of breaking glass.
  8. You do not receive bathing products in your Christmas stocking or in a wrapped package.
  9. All major household appliances, including the AC/heating units are in working order.
  10. No living creatures set up housekeeping in your Christmas tree.
  11. Two-thirds of your Christmas tree is still intact and over half or your ornaments are unbroken.
  12. All of your pets have been located and de-costumed and are being treated for post traumatic stress syndrome.
In the spirit of the holiday, if you got 10 out of 12, you did good.

I hope your celebrations were grand and that you still have enough good cheer left over to give me a vote at humor-blogs.com.

Rest up for the New Year!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Cuddly Cat Caption Winner!

Ready or Not, it's Christmas. Yeah. I know that it's Christmas Eve but we have a celebration today so let's call it Christmas.

My stocking has been hung with care snark and I think there may be something living in it. The cat seems very curious. I hang it every year and nothing ever happens. I wonder what I'm doing wrong.

Hubby put up the lighted garland and wreaths so we are no longer serving the Dark Side around here. But we were unable to find inflatable Star Wars characters again this year. I realize everyone else is happy with inflatable Santas, Snowmen, Disney characters or 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season' scripted in bright lights but not us. We want something different. Personally, an inflatable Hans Solo would have been fine with me. I'll just let your minds go where they will on that one.....

Finally, the winner of the caption for this photo:



1st Place:
Tracy Rambling over at Rambling Thoughts of the Neverending Mind. Her blog is lots of fun. Check it out!

Tracy's caption: "Even I am sick of all the cute stuff they keep sticking us in! The next person that calls me "Santa Claws" will get their eyes clawed out" said the cat.


2nd Place: Marvel Goose over at The Daily Egg. Great insights and perspectives from the Deep South. Somehow I want scrambled eggs after reading his posts:

Marvel's caption: "Naughty? Nice? It makes no difference to me. EVERYBODY gets a lump of used Kitty Litter."

ReformingGeek's Perspective Cat showed some attitude and added his own caption to this photo. He must think I'm Santa and how dare he criticize the mouth that feeds him?!?!

"Donts worry Santa. Iz take care of deliveries while youz sleep it off."

All the captions were great though. Thanks for playing.

I'll be happy to receive your prezzies in the form of votes over at humor-blogs.com.

Merry Christmas, folks.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Nutty Celebrations and Caption This

It's the time of the year when all the relatives start coming out of the woodwork or in some cases you come out of the woodwork to go see the relatives. Is this irony at its best?

Relatives. We've all got them and from some of the family-get-together posts I've read lately, some of you guys are related to some serious nut cases. Hubby and I are fortunate. We have the weirdos but we keep them at a safe distance under lock and key in some podunk town down south.

Our celebrations are limited to the immediate family and an extended family celebration with Hubby's cousins. We are hosting the extended family celebration this year next Saturday.

That's right. I will make sure I have consumed plenty of rum balls to prepare for this event. Also the liquor cabinet is full of tequila and the fridge is full of beer. We are all set.

Also, we survived hubby's work Christmas party. Hubby was very happy all evening. I think it had something to do with multiple glasses of red wine or maybe it was the co-worker who gave him a face full of cleavage when her short personage while standing hugged Hubby while seated . Or maybe it was the lack of disco music and the obvious oversight of the band not starting their dance set with "Brick House". WTF? I WANT MY DISCO!

But at least Hubby danced with me. He won't dance to disco. I have to do that on my own. (No, I WAS NOT dancing on the table last year in my undies. That was just a rumor. I have an alibi, really.)

Finally, the caption. I found this cuddly cute picture on something the Humane Society sent me but it needs a caption. Please help me out. I can't promise you a special award but I'll post your winning caption and tell everyone how great you are. Winner announced Christmas Eve.



Reach down deep inside and find some kitty Christmas cheer. Please extend that cheer to a vote at humor-blogs.com.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Cooking with Virtual Zucchini


I have to show off this award. It was one of the first awards I saw on a friend's blog. I had no idea what it was or what my friend did to earn it. I thought it had to be something that only guys would understand or maybe it was some cult you had to join. That is, something that required a secret handshake and a wink-wink-nudge-nudge and guys wearing weird hats.

I think I just called blogging a cult. Hum.....

Anyway, I found Crotchety's blog and realized the coveted zucchini was awarded for winning the photo caption contest. That's right. He does much more than yell at cars on his blog. Da Old Man usually does this contest on Wednesdays and announces the winners on Friday. If you have not checked it out, please do so. The pictures are hilarious and the readers submit some very entertaining captions.

Since I also claim to be somewhat of a foodie, being presented with zucchini tempts me to try new recipes. According to Merriam-Webster, zucchini is a smooth cylindrical usually dark green summer squash. Sounds good to me. So I went to the kitchen and got busy with the zucchini.

First, the stove. I tried boiling them with some butter. The smoke alarm went off. Next, I mixed up a wonderful Cajun-seasoned batter and fried them. Again, the smoke alarm went off and I had to put out the fire with baking soda. Finally, I gave the oven a try. I added some tomatoes and threw in some yellow squash. Once again, the smoke alarm went off and the oven popped the circuit breaker.

DAMN! What is going wrong here? I really can cook heat up leftovers. I even repeated the above and got the same results. So now I'm insane?

Hubby came home and surveyed the damage. Actually, he just kept saying WTF? I was getting quite confused. I gave him my sweetest smile, showed some cleavage, and flashed him my most innocent big-eyed "look" and said "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to cook Crotchety's zucchini."

"His WHAT?" said Hubby.

"No, no that. I got the Zucchini Award and I wanted to try new recipes."

"Um, Sweetie, did you take your meds? You do realize that it's a VIRTUAL award, don't you?"

"Oh."

Sigh.

Considering Christmas is closing in on us, I think I may have lost a few marbles. After having some rum balls for dessert, I'm feeling much better now.

A vote over at Humor-Blogs.com might also make me feel better.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Christmas Goodies and The Gong Show

I just couldn't call it THE BONG SHOW. Keep reading.

Things sure are smoking around here getting reading for Christmas. We will be entertaining family for Christmas dinner and extended family the Saturday after Christmas. After you read this post you may think that smoking is the wrong word.

Oh lookie. ReformingGeek's got herself all wrapped up in an apron again.



Uh oh......now what?



FUDGE! That's right. You know it's getting close to Christmas when the fudge appears. Hubby's office buddies will be very, very happy with the leftovers from this round of Christmas goodies.

And what's this?


Yep. You got it. *RUM BALLS:

If you said dog poop, thanks for that!

* No male mammals were harmed in the making of these balls.

It's getting close to Christmas and I would like to offer you a token of appreciation for reading this stuff I call writing. The first person to send me an email here (caroljean.fo@gmail dot com) with their address will receive a small tin of fudge or rum balls (ingredients list below). Please specify what you would like. They keep well so you don't have to worry about a trip across the country.

Since I'm in a baking silly mood, I got to thinking about "special brownies". These are the kind with pot, not Ex-Lax, and I'm not referring to the vessel rednecks use to stew their road kill. I'm talking about stuff you smoke in a bong; maryjane, grass, weed, reefers and doobies and I'm sure NONE of you ever tried it in your wild youth. Now there are other reasons I'm thinking of weed but I just can't elaborate on that on the Interwebs.

Also, Tracy over at Rambling Thoughts of the Never Ending Mind gifted Bee over at Bee's Musings some of this stuff in its native form so can you just imagine poor Bee and the issues she may encounter?


"Hey neighbor Bee. Need some help pulling WEEDS today?"

All of a sudden "friends" she has not seen in years arrive with tote bags and spades.

When a strong wind blows, Bee's spirits are very, very HIGH and all of a sudden and she's posting like there's no tomorrow.

Bee is paid a visit by hippie dude and his love children.

The squad car that formerly made weekly rounds through Bee's neighborhood has increased its frequency of drive-throughs and she's noticed the officers are now ordering 2 dozen donuts each on their breaks and the buttons are popping off their shirts.

OK, enough already. It's getting late in the week before Christmas. Go finish your shopping or something and have a refreshing adult beverage and toast me for making your mouth water and for bringing back memories of your wild youth. Remember to send me that email if you want the goodies and THEY ARE NOT MADE WITH WEED I PROMISE.

Take mercy on me and all these corny puns by clicking on the smiley and voting for me over at humor-blogs.com.

*Fudge ingredients: Sugar, chocolate, marshmallows, milk, pecans, vanilla, butter, salt
**Rum Ball ingredients: Rum, chocolate, sugar, corn syrup, walnuts, vanilla wafers

For those of you sensitive to foodie blogs, notice that I DID NOT post a recipe!!!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Day I Became Retarded


I need a break from Christmas crap stuff. Most of you have probably seen the CAT DIARY. It's been around via email. I felt it was a bit incomplete so I've added the next chapter.

CAT DIARY (from the email):
Day 983 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards!

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog continues to receive special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


And the next day.....
DAY 984:

The retarded dog returned once again.

WHAT'S THIS? The captors have left the door open.

F R E E D O M ! ! ! !

I'm out. I'm running free. There's a bird. There's a bug. Which do I chase first? This grass tastes great. Gotta poop.

OK, I'm bored now. Nap time.

WHAM!

HEY! I was sleeping. OUCH! Put me down you HUGE-WINGED CREEP! I'm afraid of heights. OUCH! OUCH! Your claws are sharper than mine.

Uh.....where are you taking me? Am I.......FOOD?!?!

Please, please let me go! I see my ninth life flashing before me.

I want to go home. I want my binkie. I want my stupid soft human.

I promise to stop tripping my tormentors and I promise not to vomit on the carpet.

I'll eat the dry nuggets without complaint.

I'll bring you the dog.

[The hawk finally tires of it's heavy prey and drops it.]

SPLAT!

Bounces to all fours, unharmed, and assumes the I-meant-to-do-that-look (How do cats manage this?)

F R E E D O M ! ! ! !

I'm running free. There's a bird. There's a bug. Which do I chase first? This grass tastes great. Gotta poop. I....

I run back to the prison and beg to be let in.

SIGH! I have somehow become retarded.

How about a toast (or at least a vote) for a non-holiday post today, huh?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Do Rei Mi Fa So La Ti Do

I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into the season but I'll be damned if I'm going to go to a "Christmas pageant, bazaar, or concert" or whatever you call them these days. That being said, let me explain.

When I was in college, I still thought I was Baptist (I grew out of that and I won't bore you with my take on organized religion). Our church put on a Christmas "event" every year. This was a kitchy song-and-dance thing with Baptist-style choreography set to some of the traditional songs (Sleigh Ride is ruined for me because of this).

OK. That was Act I. In Act II, they woke you up with the Hallelujah chorus. By my third year of this I was very glad to hear the final note and to see that exit sign. I know that I didn't have to go, but my BFF and the guy I had a crush on were in the show so I really couldn't miss it.

Baptist-style choreography is some of the simple steps you would see in a basic Jane Fonda Aerobics video from the 80's. It's gets very boring by the third song. Remember that strict Baptists aren't into dancing or drinking or just about anything that might encourage sex folks to have fun.

I don't have kiddos, but if I did I'm sure I would have cringed listening to them sing their little Christmas songs at the school concert. I can remember my mom with the fake smile plastered to her face as she attended as few of these little events as possible. I'm sure my kid would have had a great voice and all the other little brats darlings would have sucked.

I will say that there are some very talented church choirs and vocalists out there and I don't intend to offend anyone who is into this kind of thing. I really do enjoy nice music and beautiful voices. But I'm not into kitchy. And since I'm trying to be funny here please just play along.

Another thing I remember from church holiday celebrations is the "opera lady". It seems she was always called "Wanda". This is the lady who is always asked to solo in church and was obviously trained by a cat or in the traditional sing-real-high-notes technique of screech, scream, and shake. When she was singing, you start looking around to see if there is an earthquake or if the stained glass is about to shatter. OMG! Literally.

OK. Feeling better now. I think that must have been a rant.

Yesterday, Hubby and mulched up all the leaves from Canada that blew in 2 weeks go. This must have been an act of stupidity. Mexico has now sent me all of their leaves and the south-facing backyard is starting to look like it did before we started. DAMN!

Photo: ReformingGeek backyard 30 minutes after mulching - Elf You Mexico

As for Canada, I hear that you guys are sending us some Arctic air. Brrrrr. Can you just keep the air and send rain instead?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Special Delivery from Secret Santa

Bee over at Bee's Musings has organized a Secret Santa Can Suck It reindeer game. She was nice and let me play! The rules are to show a picture of what I would have purchased as a gift if I'd had the money, or cared.

So here's the picture and a little story for my sucker fellow blogger Georgie at Decisionally Challenged. After hours of dedicated study of her blog and realizing she is just one state to the north in freezing Oklahoma, I have found the perfect gift.

I was out for a Sunday drive just north of where I live when I found this little beauty:


Photo: Rob Porter

Uh....ReformingGeek, it's an empty building.

Well, not exactly. It's an opportunity! You've told me over and over again how you want to "tell the boss to stick it where the sun don't shine". Now you can. That's right. I have purchased Mable Peabody's Beauty Salon & Chainsaw Repair Night Club just for you. That's right. Only in Texas (or Arkansas or Oklahoma) can you find such a variety of services in one place.

Why oh why did you do this?

Your BFF told me that you have great skills at repairing household items (using duct tape and bailing wire) and you are very creative with your blog posts so beautifying some toothless chick and repairing her guy's chainsaw should be no problem. I'm told you enjoy copious amounts of alcohol so operating a night club seems to be right up your alley.

I also heard that you're an excellent pole dancer. I suggest you add that to the night club act to boost profits.

Here's a sampling of your prospective customers.


You start 1/5/09. You'd better start packing.


Merry Christmas!

Please smile for me today Santa!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stringing up the lights - #2

Today it's freakin' cold in Texas. It's so cold that my brain is frozen so I don't have much to say (Hubby is saying something sarcastic about me not having much to say. I think I heard the words "Hell" and "freezing" but that's all I caught).

I finally broke down and pulled out more decorations. I got bored after about an hour but at least I got out a few of my favorites. That's right. More stuffed animals. Actually, I do have some "grown-up" decorations. I have some Steinbach nutcrackers and a few Russian Santas. A few years ago I finally bought some silk flowers and some garland. Wow! Big-time Martha Stewart here!


I didn't actually say that I had hung the garland did I? Doesn't everybody put garland on the floor mat?

I really don't have that many Christmas decorations. I plan it that way. We don't have much space for storage and I refuse to pay to store stuff somewhere else. We also don't have much space for displaying decorations unless I remove all of my other crap collectibles and replace them with the Christmas decor. That is way too much work and is SO NOT ME!

Check out the new Christmas Coyote on the sidebar. He's sporting some seasonal colors and was apparently hungry while I was giving him his makeover. He seems to be having a snack.

Tonight I'm partying with the girlfriends. This means wine, good food, wine, good friends, more wine, and gossip updates on other friends. Also, guys, we NEVER talk bad about you at these gatherings. You know that, right?

Yeah, right.

Tomorrow it's the Secret Santa Can Suck It Gift Exchange organized by Bee over at Bee's Musings. We are suppose to show a picture of the gift we would have purchased. It's a secret so I can't tell you who my recipient is but I think you will like the gift that I hand-picked for this occasion.

So today I leave you with this festive Christmas card:

Season's Greetings from Texas


P.S. I see a great weekend shaping up. You may remember that my yard has all the leaves from Canada. Hubby and I have put off leaf clean-up as it's not our favorite chore but I don't think we can let it go much longer. I'm having to rake leaves away from the doors to get in and I nearly lost the cat in a dust devil (leaf devil) last week. Also, I hope I don't find any slithering surprises in the piles.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Go Fish!


Is this a game?

Are you taking us fishing ReformingGeek? Do we need poles or maybe some snorkel gear?


Maybe, but I've got a story to tell you first.

Why is it that everyone wants to do the White Elephant Gift Exchange at Christmas? Is it the excitement of taking something away from somebody when they don't want you to? Is it scheming with your BFF to take something away from somebody? Are the guys trying to get the ladies to start a cat fight for their entertainment? Maybe it's the enticement of the wrapped packages (more like gift bags now days). Who knows?

It could be worse. One year we had to play some stupid game with teams at our Christmas party for work. Playing these kind of games with a bunch of competitive geeks and no alcohol was not my definition of a good time.

So back to the Elephant thing. What I do know is that I always seem to get the worst, most lame gift ever. These are the ones I can remember:
  • a Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed-Reindeer doorknob cover
  • a bottle of wine that tasted like vinegar
  • fishing lure
Doorknob Cover: WTF? This was one of those crafty things made by a first grader that you might find at a local bazaar. It sort of resembled Rudolph and was supposed to fit on a doorknob. Why would you want to cover the damn doorknob anyway?

The bottle of wine: This particular bottle was from a Texas Winery. Although Texas is not known for its wine, there are supposedly a few good wines out there. I've yet to encounter them. This White Elephant exchange was a Wine Swap with the gals. It was actually kind of fun, even more so after drinking several glasses of wine and dancing naked in bare feet to old disco songs.

Something Smells Fishy: But the fishing lure is the real winner (or loser). We were doing the White Elephant Gift Exchange with a small group of co-workers, two men and four ladies. Everything I had chosen had been stolen and it was finally down to the last gift on the table. My expectations were high as all the other gifts were reasonably nice and had potential as being useful. The last gift on the table was in a tiny package beautifully wrapped and I was very excited. I WANTED THAT GIFT! I'm thinking that maybe it's costume jewelry or a gift card or maybe some candy.

Something else that had happened earlier in the exchange was that one of the guys had inserted a "gag" gift into the pile and when the person opened that one and looked shocked at some hideously weird gift, he immediately opened his briefcase and gave her the real gift.

Hahahahaha.

OK, moving on here. So I opened the last package and the look on my face when I opened up fishing lure was priceless. I was in total shock. I couldn't hide my disdain. My eyes were big and my jaw dropped and I said "OK, where's the real gift?". The only other guy in our group said with a straight face "That is the real gift".

I said "Oh Gosh Darn It (not what I wanted to say)! I'm sorry but I'm really dumbfounded that this is a gift."

Of course I felt bad and this guy was equally surprised that I didn't like the gift.

There is a nice ending to this story. One of the ladies in our group was really interested in fishing. She wanted the lure and I was more than willing to take what she had received during the exchange. I think it was a Christmas ornament. As you can tell this bunch was a bit on the wild side.

Hubby, on the other hand, usually comes home with something decent from the White Elephant Exchanges at his work every year. Go figure. This year I have the option of going with him to that party. Maybe I should sit it out. I don't want to ruin his luck.

Smiley wants a prezzie.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Stringing up the lights - #1

I'm off to a slow start for Christmas this year. I got out a few decorations this week to see if it would boost my spirits.

First, let's start with my little tea party. These guys are having a great time out here. SnowDad started a blog and being the geek that I am I'm helping him with a few technical issues. The primary problem seems to be water in the keyboard in warmer weather. We can't quite figure out what's happening......

GingerMom is the Martha Stewart of the family. She's all into the holiday baking and trying the different holiday-flavored coffees and teas and is very picky about her holiday tan. She's expressed interest in a blog but continues to find her fingers go missing so it's hard for her to type. The squirrels around here have a sweet tooth so I can guess what is happening to GingerMom's fingers.

My wreath finally arrived; all the way from Maine. It's a wreath to make Deb proud.




I want lights for our house. To offset our immediate neighbors that must have some sort of twisted red fetish, I want white lights for our house. They must be in perfect alignment along the edge of the roof line. Ha! I'm not sure I have the patience to do this and being scared of heights doesn't help with getting the lights on the 2nd story roof.

We do have some lights for our front door and we have a pine tree that we could put lights on and we have some lighted wreaths. We also have a really cute iron bear on skis that my brother made. Unfortunately, some of the lights don't always work....

We'll be lucky if we get any of this stuff put out this season.

My plan was to show you this house that has inflatable decorations for every season with Halloween and Christmas being their favorites. I think they even had inflated Easter Eggs one year. Anyway, I was unable to get the photo and some of their decorations must have eaten too many beans and farted out all their air. There were colored pancakes all over their yard.

I'll do a decorations post again as folks finish their decorations and I find something awesome or something at least worth a good rant.

So what do you do when you can't finish your post according to plan?

Well, you just insert a picture of a hottie. Isn't that what the guys always do? So here you go:




Ha! Sorry guys. This one's for the gals. I really like that purple shirt. So can anyone guess what show I'll be watching starting in January?

24 - BRING IT ON!

And yes, I did watch the "catch-up" movie a couple of weeks ago.

How about some deflated smiley Christmas cheer?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Awards and the Christmas Coyote

Before I get down to business, I want to thank some really awesome bloggers for giving me awards. I am truly honored!

The first award came from QuirkyLoon over at Musings of a Quirky Loon. She's very funny and one of my recent favorites is this post. Also, check out her new layout. Nice!



The latest addition to my award shelf (yea, I have an award shelf!!!) is from Random Chick at Confessions of a Random Chick. Yep. Lots of folks confessing stuff around here in the Blogsphere! Like me, Random Chick speaks from the heart and she fits right in because she's just as crazy as the rest of us.




Thanks again, uber-bloggers.

Today's post is really very short as I've been waiting around for a delivery for the past couple of days (and you know these folks will only give you a very large window to wait) so there's not much going on right now.

You've probably noticed the coyote in my sidebar. If you haven't, please check him out. For the season, I'm thinking I should dress him in a Santa costume or at least a hat.

Are you posting about the wildlife again ReformingGeek?

Um, yes. I saw Mr. Coyote's brother yesterday. And yes, I was out running again. Race day in T - 80 days and counting.

What I saw was a thinner version not chasing me but running towards me. When I first saw him, I thought that it was a really skinny dog with a funny gait moving quickly. As he got closer I saw that he was holding his right front paw off the ground as he ran and it finally hit me that this wasn't a DOG.......

I'm glad that he turned off on a small side street. He stared at me for awhile, probably trying to figure out if he could take me on three legs.

Poor thing was probably hit by a car on the busy street not too far away from where he was. Seeing him run with a limp (is that called rimping?) really tugged at my heart strings. I'm a sucker for animals. I guess I could find a cat for him to eat........

Just kidding. We've had too many cats that have fed the coyotes in our neighborhood. Not fun. Actually I think he was after my awards. Sorry, dude. No can do. Now Scram!

Speaking of neighborhoods, folks are getting out the outside Christmas decorations. Check back later in the week for crazy decoration fever down here in the windy south. With the winds we've had, I may find be able to offer rewards for the return of traveling lawn decorations. Also, I now have all the leaves from Canada in my yard. Thanks for that.

Smiley the Christmas Coyote needs your vote!

Monday, December 1, 2008

No whining please

After looking at my calendar for the upcoming week, I decided that I need to start drinking. From getting out Christmas decorations to shopping to getting the car fixed to my yearly appointment with my gyno followed by the inevitable boob reshaping torture session (sorry about that guys), it's looking like a winner.

Then I realized that I'm already a drinker. What made me realize this? Well, it was the mind-boggling revelation that we are out of wine in the ReformingGeek household and my HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN reaction to this discovery.

I'm sure alcohol purchases have nothing to do with the hefty dent in my pocketbook. Personally I think cat food costs more. Maybe the cat won't mind if we cut back. After all he can catch something outside, right?



Then I asked myself when did I become such a wino?

I think I shall blame Hubby's boss. He and his company introduced us to really good wines (and some really good parties) and I discovered I like a dry wine with deep flavor. Back in the big hair days of the 80's when I was finally old enough to drink, I couldn't afford much since I had to pay for hair spray (and college). So my first exposure was cheap wines, usually sweet. OK. I know cheap wine has a purpose but we won't go there today.

Another point of reference is a cruise Hubby and I took a few years ago. On the first day of the cruise, the bar staff set up several kiosks around the ship where you could sign-up for a wine package (to be served with your meals) for the week. You know how it is on the first day when all the staff are all big smiles as they are calculating the potential dollars from this next round of suckers. This is unlike the last day when the smiles are plastered on and you can read their minds and they're saying "GET THE EFF OFF MY BOAT YOU MORONS".

Anyway, Hubby and I debated the 3-bottle and the 5-bottle plans and decided on the 5-bottle plan as they told us we could take home any unopened bottles. Ha! We took nothing home. The five bottles did not last the week. I could blame most of the drinking on Hubby but it just wouldn't be right (or true).

An even better reason to drink wine is because IT'S GOOD FOR YOU! At least this is what the Interweb tells me. Good for the heart! Anti-oxidants! Makes your boobs bigger! SOLD! I don't need much convincing.

Finally, to firmly establish the wino rating, we have attending several wine tasting events in the last few years. This may even qualify us for the wine snob status. (I hope not. I really don't like snobs).

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Although I like wine, I still like a good beer and an authentic margarita. This means that you don't use a syrupy mix or water it down. You can use sweetened lime juice just don't overdo it.

I've found that Reposado tequilas make great margaritas. The Blancos tend to be too sweet and AƱejos are too strong. Save those for the shots!

Uh oh. I think I just became a margarita snob. ;-)




Fast forward a few hours.



I just breathed a sigh of relief. I found a Cab. I'll be OK now.

Also, I'm just a few weeks away from rum balls so things are looking up around here.

Smiley is tired of the wine cellar at humor-bloggers.com. A click here and there goes a long way.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Worst Gifts EVER!

Now that I've gorged myself on delicious traditional Thanksgiving food, it's time to start thinking about Christmas shopping. I know. You're not ready. Neither am I.

BTW, was anyone served a dish they couldn't identify on Thanksgiving?

I thought about being a scrooge this year but Hubby won't let me and after all it's Black Friday and I have to do my part to help the retailers make some money. So I won't be a scrooge. Instead, I've pledged to find the tackiest gifts I can for my gift recipients this season. To get myself in the mood, I made some cookies, opened a bottle of vino and started searching the Interwebs. It only took a few minutes to choose from the wide selection of tacky gift suggestions and I'm sure none of these selections were influenced by the 3rd or 4th glass of wine:


For Cousin Harriet who sometimes whines about shopping for me:



Yep. It's a grocery bag vase. Enjoy Sweetie. I'm sure this will fit right in with your decor.


For Uncle Bubba who is really very nice and will probably like this gift:



Bobble. Bobble. Great for any redneck's hearth.

And I heard that some distant relative was experiencing some problems with garden pests so I found this pest riddance device:



That's right. It carries those pesky gnomes right out of your yard. Good Luck with this, Joe!

All the vegans on my gift list will get one of these:

They're meat-lovers, right? Hiccup. I'm starting to feel a little woozy here.

Finally, this year Hubby told me he wanted a "Super Model" for Christmas and Google didn't let me down. I found this great model. I know he will like it because he's really into jeeps...



Am I a great wife or what?



Wait minute. Something tells me this isn't what he meant....Oh well. Good thing I saved the receipt.

Smiley needs a little help this season.


Happy Shopping!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Oh No, Not Again - Happy Thanksgiving!

To commence the "eat until we pop" season, let's review a few of the food disasters that can make any cooking/baking endeavor pure hell.

Please note that MOST of these DID NOT happen to me. Somebody else was the sucker.

  • Get out the 20 pound turkey for thawing Thanksgiving morning expecting to eat by 2:00 PM. Uh, no. Trust me. You won't be eating that turkey at 2:00 PM. I hope you have plenty of sides.
  • Toasted Turkey Pieces and Parts: This is the classic stinky and messy disaster of cooking the turkey without sticking your hand you-know-where and pulling out the you-know-what. It only takes one forgotten orifice for this disaster to occur.
  • Catering Malfunction: This is similar to a wardrobe malfunction but depending on how many hungry guests you have, I think it beats the slight showing of boobage. This is where you show up to pick-up your catering order and they are a) closed, b) got it terribly wrong, or c) forgot you.
  • Egg Salad in a Box: Blow up eggs in the microwave, more than once. Yep. After doing this and scraping them from every corner of the microwave, just add your seasonings and your egg salad is ready....
  • Molten Lava Cake That You Don't Want to Eat: Make a cake following the recipe in detail, noticing the symptoms of runny liquid goo being put into the oven and not realizing the problem. This happens twice. Call the person who gave you the recipe and review. YOU ARE THEN REMINDED THAT FLOUR IS A KEY INGREDIENT. DUH!
  • Not so Yummy: Bake a cake that looks delicious. Serve your guests. They take huge bites and they all start gagging at once. What happened? YOU GOT THE SUGAR AND SALT MEASUREMENTS MIXED UP. OOPS!
  • The Disaster Magnet. This is the guy you don't want to have lunch with for fear that his bad luck will rub off on you. This is the buddy that is always the recipient of bad luck at the restaurant. Either his food is a) forgotten b) dropped, complete with loud crashing noises and cursing, or c) completely and thoroughly screwed up. So when you are at lunch with this guy and you hear a crash of dishes, it's at least an 80% chance that it was this guy's meal. Poor guy.
  • The Drowning Effect: I will confess that I have spilled a large Iced Tea on a friend or relative at a restaurant twice. I promise that I'm feeling better now. We really worked on this at the hospital. At first they wanted to shorten my long arms but then they encouraged me not to talk so much with my hands. It's much better to talk with your mouth, even if it's full of food and someone makes you laugh and.......

Sorry, that was a problem with my time machine. I was back in 6th grade with my BFF sitting at the table, eating crackers and making jokes.

Mom wasn't smiling but maybe we can give her one for putting up with the family for Turkey Day this year.

I know there are more disasters out there. Let's hope none of them come your way this season.



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Screw me once, shame on you.....


After being strangled by our local cable company (pun intended), I got to thinking about how often we get trapped or conned into something that we want to kick ourselves for later.

As for the cable company, our bill for Internet service seemed kind of high but Hubby really took notice when he logged on to their site to see what service level we have and noticed that we seemed to be paying about $15 more than expected per month. Say what? Who knows what B.S. is actually going on, but after a few threats we are back down to the "original" rate.

Our issue is that we are stuck between a rock and a hard place for high-speed Internet service. We can't get DSL. We had a service using microwave technology that was expensive and unreliable, and satellite is way too expensive. Once they finally laid cables in our neighborhood (just a few years ago), we finally opted for cable.

Before they laid the cables, we kept getting advertisements in the mail for high-speed Internet cable. We finally called them and say "Hey come on out and get us hooked up". We were fairly certain that there weren't any cable lines but they said they would be right out. We just smiled and waited to see events transpire. The poor guy came out and looked around and finally asked "Uh....where is your cable hook-up?". Ha! After numerous neighbors kept calling wanting the same thing, they finally came out and laid the cables.

Anyway, I remember a time when some "friends" invited Hubby and I to lunch at a local restaurant on a busy weekend. We had a nice meal enjoying some chit-chat and then it was apparently down to business.

"We'd like to talk to you about a great business opportunity."

"Uh... Um [throat clearing]. Huh?" said while slowly starting to get the deer in the headlights look.

"Yes, my wife and I have had great success selling SCAM-WEI and we would love for you to join us."

"Uh, we're not really much into selling stuff" said while trying to hold back the I can't believe I fell for this look.

"It's a great opportunity. Our products are extremely popular and we've
  • put our kids through school
  • paid off our house
  • taken luxury vacations
  • been inducted into the cult
all because of SCAM-WEI."

You get the picture. This went on for awhile until we finally made our excuses and left. At least they waited until the meal was in progress and nearly over to start their spiel, unlike that commercial where the couple has been invited for dinner and the host and hostess pull out the flipchart as they arrive. OMG! I think I would have thought of some catastrophe to get me out of there fast.

I had this boss that was such a manipulator that after having a chat with him, you would leave to go about your business with a smile on your face and with a pile of additional work. Later you realized you'd been told you're full of shit and to go to Hell and somehow you volunteered for more work. WTF?

If you've been trapped into something that you'd like to share, please do so. I'd love to hear I'm not the only sucker out there.

Smiley would never fall for a scam.

Friday, November 21, 2008

My face is so RED!


Oh, no. I've been tagged again. I know I said I wasn't going to play these games but I couldn't resist another opportunity to embarrass myself now could I? This time the tag came from VE in his post with the "ever so cute" picture of him as a teenager. OMG! Where was he when I was 14? I could never release any photos of me as a teenager except maybe my senior picture when I was sporting a Dorothy Hamill wedge (I almost typed widget) for my senior picture and I was actually wearing makeup.

I even tried to bribe VE with cookies to get out of this but he was unrelenting.

OK. Back to what I'm supposed to do here. I'm supposed to embarrass myself with songs I'm ashamed to have liked/owned. VE made fun of the lyrics and himself. I sort of did this but I think the songs will speak for themselves.

A few of these are even on my iPod (GASP!)


"You are my candy, girl" and "I can make your life so sweet". This is just so 60's. When I was about nine, I loved to dance and this was a fun song to play while doing the little go-go thing.
I had never seen this video. It's hilarious. Be sure to watch the whole thing. The cola can does something even more rude later in the video.


This is a classic song that kids seem to like (this is way before The Lion King folks). I liked Robert John's version better than the Token's version. His has the trombone interlude in the middle of the song. Maybe that's why I wanted to play trombone when I was 11.

This is a nice video with a slide show of different lion photos. I was somewhat surprised to only see a few lions actually sleeping. The rest of them looked hungry. My cat and I were starting to get a little scared.

I still like this song.

I wanted her voice; so pretty. It's back to a time when life seemed so much easier.

I know. On a lame scale from 1 to 10, this is about a 12. Sorry.


Oh yeah. Go Ethel Go. ROFL! No really. You have to at least smile. When it first came out, it was pretty funny and do you remember that people started a streaking streak? Hahahahahaha. I can't believe I just said that.



This is serious "sing in the shower" stuff. I loved singing in the shower until the neighbors called to complain about the gosh-awful racket coming from the upstairs window (guess I should have shut it).

Yep, this one is on my iPod. It helps me get through those long runs.


I don't know why. I think I fantasized that I was blonde and cute and could sing like her. And that guy singing bass on the chorus, wow! As for this video, it's from 1974 and guys there are a few shots of her legs if you're into legs. She must be a distance runner......not much in the boob department ;-)

I did not realize this song was from the 70's. I was just a kid. No really.

I tried the karaoke version on youtube. Hahahahahahha! That was funny. The phone rang and it was my neighbor complaining about the noise again. Oh well.



It came out when I was a young adult wanting to find "love" and I was really into country/rock crossover music (I can't believe this was over 20 years ago). Almost everyone knows the words and starts singing (or lip-syncing) when they hear it. Just watch the video.

Take note of that mound of white hair on Kenny's head. But if you really want to see Kenny age, watch the one with Carrie Underwood. Sorry, Carrie. You sing pretty but for this song, only Dolly will do.

Hubby hates this song. I think he would maim himself if he actually had to listen to it.

Hang on guys. I know you have probably barfed by now but there's just a few more to go.


Ouga Chaka Ouga Ouga Ouga Chaka Ouga Ouga Ouga..... Huh? Whatever. I still bob my head when I hear this one!


Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks

OMG! Why in world does anybody listen to this song? The guy's dying. Please stop singing about it! I couldn't bring myself to include a video.

Bee Gees Greatest Hits

I can't believe I still like some of these songs. In the summer of 1980 (yes, the summer with 60+ days of temps over 100 here in Texas) I worked at Six Flags and I carpooled with a friend who lived close by. She got the cassette (yeah, cassette) for her birthday and played it over and over again as we drove over 20 miles to and from the park every damn day. I think I all of the songs by heart and it was a long time before I could listen to any of them again. For awhile I wanted to maim myself when I heard these songs.

Almost anything ABBA. Classic stuff from Swedish singers that don't know English (They didn't at the time). You've got to give them credit for that. And hats off to them for being one of the first groups to do "videos".


OK, that's enough. I love music and there are more songs that could really embarrass me, but I actually wanted you to finish reading this post. I'm totally red in the face and those of you who know me, please don't rub it in.

Sing me a smiley, would you?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Pop quiz #1 - Winner announced!

Thanks to everyone that took the quiz. To those of you that stopped by and didn't play, I'll find you and.....

Just kidding. I'm way too nice to do that and I'll stop crying from the rejection by this weekend, I promise.

There were 2 outstanding responses from VE at VE's Fantastical Nonsense and quirkyloon at Quirky Musings of a Loony Mama and although I love VE to death, I'm going to have to go with quirkyloon as she got some of the answers correct and her answers also showed imagination and creativity.

So I present to quirkyloon the ReformingGeek Perspective Cat Award. I designed it all by myself though I will admit to being at the Neanderthal stage with some of this stuff.



Congrats quirkyloon!

Now for the correct answers and a bit of explanation.

1. I graduated _______ in my high school class.
  1. You graduated?
  2. First
  3. Fifth
  4. Eleventh
  5. Too far down to count
Believe it or not. I didn't realize what my ranking was until the spring semester of my senior year. Everybody was talking about the Top 10 and I'm asking "the Top 10 what"? Then they explained and told me I was at #5. I remember being surprised and a little proud. I don't know how I did it besides showing up and doing the work and that English and Math were easy for me.


2. After college, I almost became a/an __________.
  1. Nurse
  2. Pharmacist
  3. Air Force Officer
  4. Real Person
Yeah. Jobs were scarce when I graduated so I took the exam to join the Air Force as an Officer. I did real well in English and Math but the Engineering questions might as well have been in Chinese.

3. I wore ________in sixth grade.
  1. braids
  2. glasses
  3. a training bra
  4. all of the above
I was a goofy near-sighted kid with long wavy hair and no boobs. What did you expect?


4. My very first job was a _________________.
  1. Trash Specialist: flirting with boys sweeping up after slobs at Six Flags
  2. Hollywood stunt double
  3. Sales clerk
  4. Bean Counter
At age 16, I was boy-crazy. Duh. Six Flags was a great place for boy-crazy girls and girl-crazy boys. My BFF and I worked there all summer. Sweeping trash meant I was mobile and could yak flirt between sweeps.

5. I have had my _________ surgically altered.
  1. face
  2. eyes
  3. boobs
  4. all of the above
I had Lasik in 2005. Yippee! No more glasses or contacts to correct my distance vision. Reading glasses are an entirely different matter and a subject for another post. In a few years, I'm probably going to want the face lift and I'm taking donations for the boob job. ;-)


6. I went to the principal's office in 7th grade because I got caught __________.
  1. fighting
  2. stealing
  3. setting my English teacher's beehive hair on fire
  4. being late for school one time too many
Blame it on hormones or whatever but me and this mean ugly boy got really mad at each other. I shoved him and he kicked me. Oops.

7. I met my husband ________.
  1. at a bar
  2. at work
  3. stole him from my sister
  4. at the mental hospital
Ahhhh. How sweet. When I first started working 20+ years ago, there were a bunch of single folks. Quite a few of us ended up as couples and about 1/2 as many of us are still together. ;-)

8. My cat's name is _______.
  1. Vader
  2. Snookums
  3. Tuxedo
  4. FatLazyDumbassHairball
Hubby calls him FatLazyDumbassHairball or FuzzBall or DumbCat but his official name is Darth Vader. He is a Tuxedo cat with a patch of black hair covering one eye and a patch of white hair covering the other eye. We probably should have gone with Phantom.

9. Ages ago, I had a job interview with _________.
  1. Time Magazine
  2. Wally-World
  3. Sears
  4. CIA (Central Intelligence Agency)
No really. It was in Fort Worth and I had a hard time finding the entrance. Gee, you think? It didn't have a big sign that said CIA in black bold letters. I had just finished college. The position was in IT and I got the formal "eff-you-very-much" reply of "We are looking for someone with more experience".


10. My mom's family did which of the following to make ends meet during the Great Depression:
  1. made/sold booze
  2. grew/sold pot
  3. sold their children to the highest bidder
  4. lived as gypsies
Yep. They were Bootleggers. If you are anywhere near Mansfield, Texas, there may still be some barrels buried out there somewhere (or there may be a Wal-Mart built over it).

Have mercy on me for revealing these things. A smiley goes a long way.

Just ahead this weekend, I will be getting red in the face by revealing songs that shame me, a tag from VE. Don't miss it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Home Improvement Craziness #1

If you thought I was crazy before, rest assured, I still am.

What now ReformingGeek?

Here's the story. Several years ago we remodeled our kitchen. No, we didn't just change out the wallpaper. We replaced all the cabinets, the ceiling, 1 wall, the countertop, tiled the floor, and re-arranged an outside wall adding a bay window. We also added wainscoting, new molding, and re-textured all the walls and painted. Yeah, we're nuts.

So that took about a year.

Then we had a party.


Yeah, I wish that was my backyard and no, we didn't foot the bill for this one!

A few notes about home projects:
  1. Each project will require the purchase of one or more power tools.
  2. Each project will take longer and cost more than you expected (just like everything else).
  3. If you are remodeling a house you did not design or build, there will be one or more occurrence of "WHAT EFFING IDIOT INSTALLED/BUILT/DESIGNED/PLUMBED/WIRED THIS!!"
  4. If your project involves plumbing, be courteous and warn the neighbors that they will learn new words from the LOUD CURSING that is coming from your house.
  5. If your project involves taking out frustrations by tearing out sheetrock, warn the neighbors that there will be piles of trash on your property that will sit for long periods of time. If they complain, tell them to "KISS MY ASS" politely ask them to help you haul it off.
As our house must have been built on quicksand and we have lots of trees, we have foundation issues that resulted in cracks in our walls in the den and in the dining room. After the kitchen project was finished, we had our foundation jacked up so the cracks in the walls can now be repaired.

A few years later we started the dining room. No walls came down but we replaced the ceiling to match the kitchen, changed the flooring, trimmed-out the windows, repaired walls, adding wainscoting, new molding, and painted. Yeah, we're still nuts.

So that took about a year (maybe not, but it seemed like it).

You see a pattern here?

Then we took another break and talked about doing the den. Then we kind of/sort of started the project. It's been in this state for over a year. The entire project will eventually involve....you guessed it... a new ceiling and new flooring in addition to the repaired walls and painting.

Since I'm home quite a bit and spend way too much time in the den on the computer, I'm tired of the disheveled look. And with the possibility of entertaining too many relatives this Christmas, it's time to at least make the wall repairs and paint.

Guests can easily ignore a gutted ceiling. And who really notices bits and pieces of insulation flying around in the air?

Just kidding. We didn't gut the ceiling.

I do the painting around here. Hubby doesn't like the mess. It's not pretty if Hubby has to paint though I will say that he doesn't mind so much when there is a power tool (like a paint sprayer) involved.

But we have to pick out a color. Yes, it has to be a real color. I've had it with white/off-white walls. Fortunately we can usually come to agreement without raised voices, evil looks, rolled eyes, or storming off in a huff. It's easy. Hubby says "unless it's absolutely hideous in my opinion, you can pick, dear."

Wow! What a guy!

So now I have sample paint splats all over the wall in all sorts of colors that looked good on the sample card but not so great on the wall. Ick! Bring me the KILZ!

Fast forward a bit. We made a decision. Forget the paint. Forget the repairs. Take this job and shove it.....you get the picture. We're out of here!




Yeah, I wish. Back to reality.

I've been given the go-ahead on a color. No more breaks and I have to stop procrastinating.

Let's let Smiley do the painting, OK?

By the way, I threw a party yesterday. I guess most of you have lives to lead or real jobs or something because I didn't see you and the rejection is really getting me down (yeah, right). I'll leave the door open for a few more days. I hope you get a chance to drop by and say Hi!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pop quiz #1

I almost titled this Poop quiz just to get your attention. I've read several posts on poop lately and they were funny and I know that I can't top them so I won't try. This one's about pop not poop.

Soda pop you say? Uhm, no (as I'm adding the Mentos to the Diet Coke....).

OK. That was fun but it made such a mess. [sigh]. Now back to the post.

Actually, it's a test. I hope I'm not scaring you. There is no pass or fail but the person who gets the most answers correct or has the most creative answers will win a one-of-a-kind ReformingGeek Perspective Award (as soon as I finish designing it!)

Aren't you thrilled?

Well you should be.

Just to let you know me a little better and have some fun while doing so, I've created this easy multiple choice quiz. For those of you with test phobia, take a deep breath now.....

Please put your answers in your comments. Remember, creativity will be rewarded! Correct answers will follow later in the week.

Ready.....GO!

1. I graduated _______ in my high school class.
  1. You graduated?
  2. First
  3. Fifth
  4. Eleventh
  5. Too far down to count

2. After college, I almost became a/an __________.
  1. Nurse
  2. Pharmacist
  3. Air Force Officer
  4. Real Person

3. I wore ________in sixth grade.
  1. braids
  2. glasses
  3. a training bra
  4. all of the above

4. My very first job was a _________________.
  1. Trash Specialist: flirting with boys sweeping up after slobs at Six Flags
  2. Hollywood stunt double
  3. Sales clerk
  4. Bean Counter

5. I have had my _________ surgically altered.
  1. face
  2. eyes
  3. boobs
  4. all of the above

6. I went to the principal's office in 7th grade because I got caught __________.
  1. fighting
  2. stealing
  3. setting my English teacher's beehive hair on fire
  4. being late for school one time too many

7. I met my husband ________.
  1. at a bar
  2. at work
  3. stole him from my sister
  4. at the mental hospital

8. My cat's name is _______.
  1. Vader
  2. Snookums
  3. Tuxedo
  4. FatLazyDumbassHairball
9. Ages ago, I had a job interview with _________.
  1. Time Magazine
  2. Wally-World
  3. Sears
  4. CIA (Central Intelligence Agency)

10. My mom's family did which of the following to make ends meet during the Great Depression:
  1. made/sold booze
  2. grew/sold pot
  3. sold their children to the highest bidder
  4. lived as gypsies

Thanks for playing. Wasn't that easy? A smiley goes a long way towards winning the contest!

Coming later in the week, songs that will totally embarrass me, a tag from VE. Don't miss it.

Friday, November 14, 2008

A Cat's Life

I know the Internet and the Blogsphere is over-loaded with pet pictures and posts, specifically about cats, but I'm a relatively new blogger and I insist on having my turn. ;-)

I came home from work the other day and saw this little show going on in my living room:




I quickly kicked the cat out....

and asked the pool guy when dinner would be ready.

What? Did you think I had something else in mind? Shame on you.

Seriously I have finally figured out what to do with my life. It's become painfully apparent that I should transform into a domestic house cat in a house full of stupid humans.

Said humans will not have dogs or any other gods before me. Said humans will not own or operate a vacuum in my presence.

What a life. Everybody but a cat knows how easy it is.

From a cat's perspective the day is filled with activity:
  • Sleep (I needs at least 2o hours of sleep in order to have energy for these other activities.)
  • Eat (I gets my own or lower self to what Stupid Human puts out.)
  • Drink (I prefers tequila but Stupid Human provides really awesome liquid refreshment in porcelain bowls.)
  • Poop in the sandbox (I removes most of sand as Stupid Human puts too much sand in box)
  • Poop outside (I likes me big sandbox aka Stupid Human's flowerbed.)
  • Pee (I likes to make pee-pee a big event. I squeaks loudly to announce that I'm taking a break from eating to go the sandbox. Once there I remember that I'm eating so I pee fast and runs back to my food.)
  • Suck-up (The female human seems more kind and patient than the male of the species so I snuggles close to her and purrs loudly.)
  • Go out (To do this I squeaks at human or pathetically whines at door.)
  • Come in (When stupid human exits house, I follows it, squeaks, goes to door; any door will do, even it it isn't the one human came out of and is locked)
  • Play games: My favorite is "Trip the Stupid Human" (To do this wait until Stupid Human has hands full and is carefully walking up or down the staircase and then race human to the top or bottom of the stairs. This is so much fun!)
  • Run away from smaller cats (I know I'm bigger but I like to let the human think I'm afraid and will need comforting.)
  • Tease a rodent (I don't understand why it stops playing with me.....)
  • Look cute and cuddly (I curls up or stretches out and goes to sleep and purrs. Stupid human falls for this trick every time.)
  • Roll in the dirt (Stupid human must love this as I'm immediately consoled in the form of heavy stroking once I come in).
Repeat, changing the order of things just to keep it amusing.

WHAM!

That was my head hitting the keyboard. I must have fallen asleep. I dreamed I was a domestic house cat having an exhausting day.

Maybe I'll get a dog and stir things up around here.



Humor me. Any silly pet post is worth a smiley, right?

"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"