Secret Santa, A Christmas to Forget!

**Evil laughter**

Oh, my poor unsuspecting...er...friend. Secret Santa (that's me) has a treat for you this Christmas. I shopped for hours, hand-picking these special and truly unique doggy treats just for you. That's right. Nooter the Dog (Nooter) is my unlucky recipient this year.


ReformingGeek!

Yes?

You wrote the post before Bee informed you of your Secret Santa Can Suck It sucker recipient.

You weren't supposed to tell, Dufus Evil Twin. At least I let Cat help and I revised my post....a bit. Can I get on with it? I can see poor Nooter about to pee on the rug in anticipation.

Sure. Whatever.

Thank you.


Christmas is such a MAGICAL time of the year.

Ah, elf that. Let's find some magical fun with a few of these things:


That's right. With these.....er....garden ornaments, your human will be the envy of the neighborhood (or your human will attract the aliens, the silent black helicopters, or an ogre or three).

Put that back leg down, Nooter! Those aren't hydrants. They are magic mushrooms. Sheesh! Your treats are coming up soon.


Next, by relying on my paparazzi skills and using the Google to study your human, I've discovered that he is, without a doubt, completely and thoroughly BATTY. I have found the perfect decoration for his den:


I'm sure his family members and friends will appreciate this eerie creature and its unnatural love of gravity. Nooter, you might want to tell the human NOT to replace those ball bearing eyes with red lights for an incredibly creepy experience next Halloween.

Um, Nooter. Your mother called. After bringing in a neighbor's poodle to help translate, I discovered she found your blog and is upset with your language. She asked me to help you CLEAN it up a bit. Let's start with this stuff:


This "Wash Away All Sins" soap swishing in your mouth for awhile should satisfy your mom's request. Also, I can see hours of entertainment for your friends in the near future as they watch you fart bubbles out of your butt.


Because of your intestinal distress and constipation from the soap, a different type of CLEANSE is needed. Don't worry. I have the perfect solution:


Yes, that's ice cream just for you Nooter! Note to human: That top scoop is prune ice cream. Nooter may need an extended play date at the park.


Last but not least, this gift is from Cat. He's been working on this contraption for years. It's finally made it to market and you will be one of the first recipients:

As you watch the birds fly into your....er...Kitty's mouth, you'll think of me. (Hum....I hope Cat is not too upset that you'll be getting his birds.)

Merry Christmas, Nooter!

**Evil laughter**

For links to all the Secret Santa Can Suck It posts, check out Bee's Musings on Tuesday, December 22nd.

Photo credits: Wind & Weather catalog: Magic Mushroom Garden Ornaments, Batty Decor, and Fat Kitty Birdhouse. Dirty soap: ES on flickr.com, Ice cream: Ulterior Epicure on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

Twas the Weekend Before Christmas...

The school bells have rung
Releasing the prisoners for winter break.
That incompetent Grinch has failed again
For this dang holiday is here make no mistake.

OK. That's enough of that. I have no time for poetry today. Somehow Christmas has decided it will be here next week whether I'm ready or not. I'm choosing "ready" so I will be a busy little beek geek today.

Speaking of next week, be sure to check in here in Blogville. Besides Santa shimmying his fat a** down your chimney carrying your prezzies (socks, Disney boxers, fur-trimmed lingerie, ill-fitting colorful sweaters, a Snug-Wow, garden gnomes, etc.), Humor Bloggers Dot Com is having a Christmas carnival all week. Check out the site for links to hours of interrupted entertainment while you attempt to get everything done for the holiday.

I plan on being there and I sure hope they have a Ferris wheel. I have not been on one of those things in years. Maybe that has something to do with me being scared of heights. Oops.

Also, Bee from Bee's Musings is doing another round of Secret Santa Can Suck It! Read about the thoughtful gifts we select for our unsuspecting recipients had we actually cared enough to shop for them. These posts are scheduled for Monday, the 21st. My poor recipient will not know what hit them. Hee hee.

*****UPDATE***** Secret Santa Can Suck It will be on Tuesday, the 22nd!

My break time is over. It's back to the kitchen for me. Have a great weekend!

Special Delivery from Secret Santa

Bee over at Bee's Musings has organized a Secret Santa Can Suck It reindeer game. She was nice and let me play! The rules are to show a picture of what I would have purchased as a gift if I'd had the money, or cared.

So here's the picture and a little story for my sucker fellow blogger Georgie at Decisionally Challenged. After hours of dedicated study of her blog and realizing she is just one state to the north in freezing Oklahoma, I have found the perfect gift.

I was out for a Sunday drive just north of where I live when I found this little beauty:

Photo: Rob Porter

Uh....ReformingGeek, it's an empty building.

Well, not exactly. It's an opportunity! You've told me over and over again how you want to "tell the boss to stick it where the sun don't shine". Now you can. That's right. I have purchased Mable Peabody's Beauty Salon & Chainsaw Repair Night Club just for you. That's right. Only in Texas (or Arkansas or Oklahoma) can you find such a variety of services in one place.

Why oh why did you do this?

Your BFF told me that you have great skills at repairing household items (using duct tape and bailing wire) and you are very creative with your blog posts so beautifying some toothless chick and repairing her guy's chainsaw should be no problem. I'm told you enjoy copious amounts of alcohol so operating a night club seems to be right up your alley.

I also heard that you're an excellent pole dancer. I suggest you add that to the night club act to boost profits.

Here's a sampling of your prospective customers.


You start 1/5/09. You'd better start packing.


Merry Christmas!

Please smile for me today Santa!