Oh, my poor unsuspecting...er...friend. Secret Santa (that's me) has a treat for you this Christmas. I shopped for hours, hand-picking these special and truly unique doggy treats just for you. That's right. Nooter the Dog (Nooter) is my unlucky recipient this year.
You wrote the post before Bee informed you of your Secret Santa Can Suck It sucker recipient.
You weren't supposed to tell, Dufus Evil Twin. At least I let Cat help and I revised my post....a bit. Can I get on with it? I can see poor Nooter about to pee on the rug in anticipation.
Christmas is such a MAGICAL time of the year.
Ah, elf that. Let's find some magical fun with a few of these things:
That's right. With these.....er....garden ornaments, your human will be the envy of the neighborhood (or your human will attract the aliens, the silent black helicopters, or an ogre or three).
Put that back leg down, Nooter! Those aren't hydrants. They are magic mushrooms. Sheesh! Your treats are coming up soon.
Next, by relying on my paparazzi skills and using the Google to study your human, I've discovered that he is, without a doubt, completely and thoroughly BATTY. I have found the perfect decoration for his den:
I'm sure his family members and friends will appreciate this eerie creature and its unnatural love of gravity. Nooter, you might want to tell the human NOT to replace those ball bearing eyes with red lights for an incredibly creepy experience next Halloween.
Um, Nooter. Your mother called. After bringing in a neighbor's poodle to help translate, I discovered she found your blog and is upset with your language. She asked me to help you CLEAN it up a bit. Let's start with this stuff:
This "Wash Away All Sins" soap swishing in your mouth for awhile should satisfy your mom's request. Also, I can see hours of entertainment for your friends in the near future as they watch you fart bubbles out of your butt.
Because of your intestinal distress and constipation from the soap, a different type of CLEANSE is needed. Don't worry. I have the perfect solution:
Yes, that's ice cream just for you Nooter! Note to human: That top scoop is prune ice cream. Nooter may need an extended play date at the park.
Last but not least, this gift is from Cat. He's been working on this contraption for years. It's finally made it to market and you will be one of the first recipients:
As you watch the birds fly into your....er...Kitty's mouth, you'll think of me. (Hum....I hope Cat is not too upset that you'll be getting his birds.)
Merry Christmas, Nooter!
For links to all the Secret Santa Can Suck It posts, check out Bee's Musings on Tuesday, December 22nd.
Photo credits: Wind & Weather catalog: Magic Mushroom Garden Ornaments, Batty Decor, and Fat Kitty Birdhouse. Dirty soap: ES on flickr.com, Ice cream: Ulterior Epicure on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).