Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Secret Santa, A Christmas to Forget!

**Evil laughter**

Oh, my poor unsuspecting...er...friend. Secret Santa (that's me) has a treat for you this Christmas. I shopped for hours, hand-picking these special and truly unique doggy treats just for you. That's right. Nooter the Dog (Nooter) is my unlucky recipient this year.



You wrote the post before Bee informed you of your Secret Santa Can Suck It sucker recipient.

You weren't supposed to tell, Dufus Evil Twin. At least I let Cat help and I revised my post....a bit. Can I get on with it? I can see poor Nooter about to pee on the rug in anticipation.

Sure. Whatever.

Thank you.

Christmas is such a MAGICAL time of the year.

Ah, elf that. Let's find some magical fun with a few of these things:

That's right. With these.....er....garden ornaments, your human will be the envy of the neighborhood (or your human will attract the aliens, the silent black helicopters, or an ogre or three).

Put that back leg down,
Nooter! Those aren't hydrants. They are magic mushrooms. Sheesh! Your treats are coming up soon.

Next, by relying on my paparazzi skills and using the Google to study your human, I've discovered that he is, without a doubt, completely and thoroughly BATTY. I have found the perfect decoration for his den:

I'm sure his family members and friends will appreciate this eerie creature and its unnatural love of gravity. Nooter, you might want to tell the human NOT to replace those ball bearing eyes with red lights for an incredibly creepy experience next Halloween.

Nooter. Your mother called. After bringing in a neighbor's poodle to help translate, I discovered she found your blog and is upset with your language. She asked me to help you CLEAN it up a bit. Let's start with this stuff:

This "Wash Away All Sins" soap swishing in your mouth for awhile should satisfy your mom's request. Also, I can see hours of entertainment for your friends in the near future as they watch you fart bubbles out of your butt.

Because of your intestinal distress and constipation from the soap, a different type of CLEANSE is needed. Don't worry. I have the perfect solution:

Yes, that's ice cream just for you Nooter! Note to human: That top scoop is prune ice cream. Nooter may need an extended play date at the park.

Last but not least, this gift is from Cat. He's been working on this contraption for years. It's finally made it to market and you will be one of the first recipients:

As you watch the birds fly into your....er...Kitty's mouth, you'll think of me. (Hum....I hope Cat is not too upset that you'll be getting his birds.)

Merry Christmas,

**Evil laughter**

For links to all the
Secret Santa Can Suck It posts, check out Bee's Musings on Tuesday, December 22nd.

Photo credits: Wind & Weather catalog: Magic Mushroom Garden Ornaments, Batty Decor, and Fat Kitty Birdhouse. Dirty soap: ES on flickr.com, Ice cream: Ulterior Epicure on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).


Bee said...

Wow! Nooter is the luckiest doggie ever! Except about the soap. Unless it's flavored?

Nooter said...

...[stunned silence]...

ReformingGeek said...

@Bee - I don't know if poor Nooter feels so lucky. He is apparently speechless!

@Nooter - I was hoping for at least a tail wag.

Nooter said...

oh i am happy! what i really want to know is where do i get one of those ray guns that turned the bird and cat into petrified replicas? now thats a gift i gotta have

Meadowlark said...

I actually would totally hang the bat decoration. I'm going to the website now and might be getting myself a Christmas gift!

Happy Holidays my dear RG... I appreciate your bloggy-friendship throughout these years.

Peace to you and yours.

Jean Knee said...

I had Nooter last year and i don't think he liked my gift :(

yours is better

Anonymous said...

Hee hee. Those are great gifts. Makes me wish I was a dog!

hee hee

ReformingGeek said...

@Nooter - I'm so glad you're happy. I can see your tail wagging from here. The human is wondering if you farted or something. Did you already eat that soap? As for the petrified animals, I think it's some sort of spell. Check with Hermione.

@Meadowlark - Thanks! I really do like the bat and some of the other stuff they have. It's a fun catalog. Merry Christmas!

@Jean - I'm sure Nooter liked your gift. He probably ate it, though.

@Quirky - Thanks. I hope he doesn't break the yard ornaments or try to eat the bat.

honeypiehorse said...

Wow. That is some weird s*@t.

Brian Miller said...

those are some of the most amazing gifts i have ever seen...

ReformingGeek said...

@honeypie - I thought about getting the birdhouse for myself but I think it confuse my cat.

@Brian - Yes, amazing....right.

Unknown said...

Ok, so the mushrooms kinda freak me out. Are you sure they aren't alien transmitters or something? I adore the bat! And red lights for the eyes would be awesome! Prune ice cream????? UGH!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I think the hanging bat is my favorite.

ReformingGeek said...

@Collette - Yeah, those mushrooms are wild. I'm sure they will get the attention of the aliens.

I'd try to the prune ice cream. I think one of them was a ginger ice cream. That sounded good!

@Queen-size - He's a cutie!

UberGrumpy said...

That's ice-cream?

Great post. Gigglin'

Unfinished Rambler said...

At first, I wasn't sure that was prune ice cream. I thought it was a gift Nooter might have left for you. ;) Glad you explained.

Mike said...

I actually would like that prune ice cream. I love prunes!

What evil person would name a dog Nooter? That would be like naming a boy Vasectomy! hahaha

ReformingGeek said...

@Uber Grumpy - Thanks. Yep. Ice cream it is!

@Unfinished - Oops.

@otin - Shhhhh. He doesn't like to be reminded.

The Constant Complainer said...

Reforming Geek, congratulations, you won the contest I ran last week on my blog.

I have an American Express gift card waiting for you. I'll get a hold of you and find out where it should be sent.

I won't get it there before the holiday, but it's free $$$ nonetheless...

Gianetta said...

Not real sure about that prune ice cream

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Love the bat!

ReformingGeek said...

@MA Fat Woman - I'd like to try it. I'll be brave. ;-)

@MikeWJ - Maybe we should name him.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I love the cat! I need one of those! Especially since my kitties are always killing birds or almost killing them and I have to save the birds and get pecked.

The Old Silly said...

When I grow up I wanna be just like Nooter!

Hey Reffie - your copy of Between the Storm and the Rainbow is going out in the mail today.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Marvin D Wilson

Maureen said...

Ha! Love the birdhouse!

Happy Holidays RG!!!!!

ReformingGeek said...

@publicknitting - Cat will be very happy to sell you one!

@Marvin - Great, thanks. Yeah, Nooter has it good!

@Maureen - You, too!

Santa Claus said...

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas from me and Otin!

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"