Last time I saw you you were this big....

I don't know how you feel about family reunions but my mom's family has one once a year and that's enough for me. And why can't we have them at a bar like this cute little place in the Caribbean?

Let me explain a little more.

• Mom is the youngest of 10. Half of the siblings and many of their spouses are resting eternally so the numbers are decreasing.
• Most of the folks that attend are, well, let's face it: OLD.
  
• Some of my cousins that I really like haven't spoken to this side of the family in 15 years.
• Why can't the rest of my cousins look like Matt Damon?
  
• A few years back there was a slight issue with "the will" that concerned some of my mom's cousins. It's funny how the ones that got the money show up.....sometimes.
  
• Siblings Uncle Bob and Aunt Sally (names changed to protect the guilty) don't speak to each other because of an issue that you thought you could only see on the Jerry Springer show. Can't go into that.
  
• I seem to have permanent brain fog when it comes to the names of older relatives that show up every few years.
  
• I'm incredibly shy and introverted (OK, stop laughing, please).

Somehow my brother gets out of this....must find out how.

I have cousins that are identical twins with completely different lives and usually one, but not both, attends the gathering. I find myself in a conversation with a Twin, talking so much I'm barely stopping to breathe, and then I mentally slap myself. DAMN! This is the other twin. I hate it when that happens!

A huge cousin 24 times removed gives me a hug and says "You need some meat on your bones, girl". HA HA HA HA. It's the double standard at work. I can't say "you need to lose 200 pounds, dude".

And what is it about older family members and tombstones? They have to go to the cemetery together and stare at the markers of those that have previously departed. Yeah. OK. I can occasionally do that usually at the burial of another family member but let's not make a habit of it. Last year, my mom became ill during this outing and ended up at the hospital. I don't think she has been back since.

One of my favorites from last year's reunion is this conversation:

"What happened to your hair?" 80-something Uncle Joe says to 50-something Cousin Harry, while patting Cousin Harry's bald head. (Realize that Uncle Joe is tall, Cousin Harry is short and Uncle Joe likes to push buttons.)

"The same thing that happened to yours!" says Cousin Harry with a snarky smile. And I can just bet that he imagined Uncle Joe out cold from an upper cut to the jaw.

But I survived as I always do. There were folks there I had not seen in quite awhile and I did remember their names. My mom is pleased hubby and I show up every year and I have a respite for another year. Hopefully I can avoid an unplanned trip to the cemetery and see everyone again next year or maybe I'll win the lottery and discreetly arrange to be in the Caribbean ;-)