While sitting at my part-time gym grunt job last week, I had some time to think. No, I didn't prove geometric theorems or write the next top-selling iPad app. I thought of things that amuse me and what my neighbors have been up to lately.
You should never have to see:
- A stranger's underwear in a public place. No, I'm not talking about kiddos with their pants down low, but an older, heavy women sporting a giant white "O" between her legs. She was sitting in a booth at a restaurant. Lady, please sew those pants or at least close your legs. Those of us on the lower level are getting an eyeful.
- Your mom's diaphragm on the bathroom counter.
- At a tender age, a guy you have a crush on smooching another girl.
- Boobs that touch the floor.
- Most of the photos on peopleofwalmart.com.
- Feminine product commercials.
Evil Twin's latest perspective on neighbors:
Well... SOME neighbors.
- The one that looks like a caveman seen exiting his cave wearing no shirt, baggy shorts, and flip flops, his massive hair wild and a beard that hasn't been groomed in, well, never. Also, he gets his house rolled. Really people? I didn't know this was still the thing to do. The question is will he ever clean it up?
- The one that asks "Do you have crabgrass?" several times within the course of a few minutes and goes on with "I've NEVER had it and NOW I've got it all over the place. I wish I knew where it was coming from." Um, yeah, well, crabgrass happens, Pesky Neighbor. She drags me to see her plants out front pointing out crabgrass along the way. Um, yeah, I know what it looks like, Irritating Neighbor. She continues with another question for at least the fourth time, "Do you wants some shrubs to line the back of your property?" Gee, like I said last time....and the time before and before and before, thanks, not now, but I'll let you know if I do, 'K?
- The one that thinks you've stolen cats from your friend's house you are sitting because she hasn't seen you at the house recently. Yes, of course. It was a stealth mission in the middle of the night. I finished rolling Caveman's house and went straight for the furry creatures. I am currently holding them for ransom. I'll return them for a piece of my friend's apple pie. Mrs. Kravitz, put those binocs down and find a new hobby.
Whew. I'm feeling much better now. Thanks.