Sunday, June 5, 2011

Oh My Eyes and Oh My Word!

While sitting at my part-time gym grunt job last week, I had some time to think.  No,  I didn't prove geometric theorems or write the next top-selling iPad app.  I thought of things that amuse me and what my neighbors have been up to lately.

You should never have to see:
  • A stranger's underwear in a public place.  No, I'm not talking about kiddos with their pants down low, but an older, heavy women sporting a giant white "O" between her legs.  She was sitting in a booth at a restaurant.    Lady, please sew those pants or at least close your legs.  Those of us on the lower level are getting an eyeful.
  • Your mom's diaphragm on the bathroom counter.
  • At a tender age, a guy you have a crush on smooching another girl.
  • Boobs that touch the floor.
  • Feminine product commercials.

Evil Twin's latest perspective on neighbors:

Well...  SOME neighbors. 

  • The one that looks like a caveman seen exiting his cave wearing no shirt, baggy shorts, and flip flops, his massive hair wild and a beard that hasn't been groomed in, well, never.  Also, he gets his house rolled.  Really people?  I didn't know this was still the thing to do.  The question is will he ever clean it up?   
  • The one that asks "Do you have crabgrass?" several times within the course of a few minutes and goes on with "I've NEVER had it and NOW I've got it all over the place.  I wish I knew where it was coming from."    Um, yeah, well, crabgrass happens,  Pesky Neighbor.   She drags me to see her plants out front pointing out crabgrass along the way.  Um, yeah, I know what it looks like, Irritating Neighbor.  She continues with another question for at least the fourth time, "Do you wants some shrubs to line the back of your property?"  Gee, like I said last time....and the time before and before and before, thanks, not now, but I'll let you know if I do, 'K? 
  • The one that thinks you've stolen cats from your friend's house you are sitting because she hasn't seen you at the house recently.  Yes, of course.  It was a stealth mission in the middle of the night.  I finished rolling Caveman's house and went straight for the furry creatures.  I am currently holding them for ransom.  I'll return them for a piece of my friend's apple pie.    Mrs. Kravitz,  put those binocs down and find a new hobby.
 Whew.  I'm feeling much better now.  Thanks.

13 comments:

Deb said...

I'm sending you my skinhead 86-year-old neighbor and her husband to complete your collection. Keep them as long as you would like. Might be fun watching them duke it out with the other neighbors.

unfinishedperson.com said...

I am not clicking on that People of Walmart link...no way. It's bad enough that I have to go there every couple of months.

ReformingGeek said...

@Deb - Your skinhead neighbors would be eaten up by our rednecks. :)

@unfinished - Yeah, a photo is one thing but up close and personal? AAAARRRRGGGG!

Lauren said...

I'll take the shrubs. My dogs keep digging them up. They need a new toy. Apparently, the cat is not enough. Sorry Oreo.

Is the crabgrass lady's name, Mrs. Crabtree? Neighbors. Geesh! They belong in caves.

Mrsblogalot said...

I don't have many neighbors where I live...which is why I go to Walmart so often.

Social interaction is important ....plus it makes me feel way better about the way I dress! (-:

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Just a quick FYI, my boobs are DANGEROUSLY close to "floor-touching status." I'll be sure to keep them out of sight, thanks for the tip!

Also, you're hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! xo!

dana said...

Did you know that parts of crab grass are edible? Did you? Did you? Did you know that parts of crab grass are edible? Huh?

Yeah. We're surrounded by repetitive questions in our retirement community and NO ONE even cares if you answer.

Did you know that parts of crab grass are edible? Did you? They are. Yep. Someone told me that parts of crab grass are edible. Did you know that?

ReformingGeek said...

@Lauren - Hee Hee I prefer it when they stay in their caves.

@Mrsblogalot - At least you are getting our entertainment!

@Joan - Thanks! Uh oh. I'm so sorry you're boobs could almost be used as dust mops.

@Dana - Ugh. Most of them probably don't even hear you if you answer.

Jean Knee said...

I have a Gladys Kravitz in my NH too. It's okay cuz she doesn't find me interesting and she keeps me up on all the neighborly gossip

The Old Silly said...

Hey - you and evil twin must live in my neighborhood!

Leeuna said...

We just got new neighbors a couple of months ago and apparently they are raising rabbits. There are little bunny rabbits running all over the place and they drive my dogs crazy. Also, do you have crab grass?

The lady with the hole in her pants was hilarious. I wonder if she knew. Just be happy she was wearing underwear.

Also, stop giving your neighbors crab grass. You do have crab grass don't you?

Quirkyloon said...

I never realized that grass could be the conveyor of an STD!

I'm so sorry your grass has crabs!

*CHEESY GRIN*

Love ya Reffie!

ReformingGeek said...

@Jean - Now THAT'S my kind of neighbor!

@Old Silly - Hee Hee. Caught me.

@Leeuna - I don't even want to think about that lady not having on any underwear. I'll pretend you didn't ask me that question, 'K?

@Quirky - Love you, too, QuirkyZombie. My grass has crabs. Hee Hee. Fleas, maybe. :)


"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

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