Mile High Morning Roasted Over a Texas Heat Wave

The weather is warming up and sure enough, after seeing a forecast for rain and not getting any, I criticized Mother Nature.  The payback was a bitch. She had me for lunch.  That's right.  She sent me a monsoon at lunchtime on Friday.  My yard was a lake and the trees pooped all over the place.

These warmer temps and higher humidity have not helped my half-marathon training.  The race is in June.  I know.  Why in GOD/BUDDHA/OTHER's name did I sign up for a race in June in Texas?

Don't answer that.

Yesterday's long run at the park was brutal. Two tortoises passed me while they were humping each other.  I was starting to become frightened of the circling turkey vultures.  SHEESH!

 

Even though I've had a busy week, Evil Twin, Cat, and I found time to resume our paparazzi spying and now have some dirt on a fellow blogger.  

This blogger made the mistake about whining about not getting any blog bling.  MikeWJ, over at Too Many Mornings, will now be tenderized, seasoned, and roasted by the Geek clan.

Michael has told me he works for the National Park Service.  I can't imagine they let him work there with this hairstyle:

Yeah....when can you start?

His son plays hockey.  It appears that his son practices with Dad and Dad got the short end of the stick:

Three cheers for the red, white, and blue.

Finally, Michael lives in a mountainous state and loves to pursue some interesting hobbies:

 Um....nice...um...bone?

Yep.  That's the scoop.

Now that Michael has been cooked and served, he is welcome to enjoy some blog bling:

I hope he will display it proudly!

For previous geek roastings, please check the sidebar.

Be careful out there.  You never know when Evil Twin, Cat, and I will be sleuthing.

Photo credits: Piercings: Alex the greek, flickr.com, Cast: Patrick Powers, flickr.com, Ranger: Ralphleon, flickr.com; all courtesy of Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Spy Girl: owned by Reffie.

Jersey Joe, The Gigolo

If you're here for Humor Bloggers dot com roast week, you're in the right place. Monday, Chelle, from The Offended Blogger, was on the stove (click here for the recipe), and today, Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, is taking the heat. Joe's been a bit under the weather but I'm not letting that stop me from this roast.

Now back to the title.

Gigolo? Our Joe? I wanted to get your attention and I'm sure that title was influenced by my evil twin but it just might apply. Read on.


Since I've previously cooked up our buddy Joe up in Jersey (click here) and even bought him a new couch (and here), I decided to put a special twist on his roast today. I have outlined a new blog for him with a few pictures to help set the theme. I'm hoping it will be successful.

Crotchety Old Buffalo Head-Butts Cars

I. Tales of my wild youth.
I was a lone buffalo in a field full of cows and.....


II. How I led the herd to the promised land.
Back in the day, we were hunted almost to extinction. I was above all that and kept the herd focused until we reached Jellystone....


III. My life as a paid tourist attraction.

That's right. I discovered life is so much easier when I'm fed the remnants from those tiny, silly stupid-looking two-legs inside those four-legged stink machines.....

Once Joe starts bringing in the $ from this new blog, I want my cut.

There you have it. Joe's been cooked again. Best wishes, Joe, and I hope you're back to blogging craziness soon!

Photo credits: Joe's Buffalo: Martha Simmons on tour in Yellowstone

Where the WILD Chelles Are

This is so exciting. Humor Bloggers dot com is hosting a roasting event this week. Chelle, from The Offended Blogger, and Da Old Man, from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, will be cooked. After a little sleuthing, I'll be serving Chelle over rice today.

I love cooking. My kitchen is all organized, my seasonings are out in those cute little bowls, and I just finished watching Big Brother boot out the chef on Hell's Kitchen after the contestants whacked a pinata of Rachael Ray to bits. Wait. I don't think I got that quite right....

Sigh. It's probably best that I stick to the subject.

I put on my best sleuthing outfit and off I went to look for some dirt on Chelle. She gives us the impression that she is this blond chic from Idaho who likes horses and Jesus tacos and has a problem with her head. This woman is a few trees short of a forest but contrary to what we've heard she obviously loves trees and spotted owls and such:

I luv me some trees and owl is oh so tasty!

A few days later, I saw a different side of Chelle. She has a very strange hobby. That's right. She likes to play dress-up and the costume below must be one of her favorites. I followed her from her ranch one day. She grabbed her rifle, hopped on her horse, and rode into the forest. I lost her for a few minutes (that must have been when she changed into her costume) but I soon picked up her trail. I'm sure she intended to find food for the family (her rifle must be hidden inside the costume) but she was distracted by a device that claimed tacos were inside of it. Here's the photos:

Jesus? Tacos? Me want.

I need to spend some time in the weight room. This is tough.

It took her awhile to get the thing open and then.... THERE WERE NO TACOS! I've never seen a bear girl so angry. The photographers I hired were taken in two quick gulps. Dessert was the chocolate syrup inside the can.

I'll settle for chocolate to help with the digestion.

She was very convincing and since I'm afraid of bears, I crapped my pants grabbing the cameras before they could be eaten. I had to be excused so I could not confront her with this madness.

Now you know. I'm always amazed at what I find on my sleuthing trips.

I've had so much fun today. I think Chelle is about cooked and ready to serve. Would you like calf fries with that?

Check out Humor Bloggers dot com and Sanity on Edge for links to additional Chelle roasts.

Photo credits: spylady: istockphoto.com, treehugger: merwing*little dear on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Chelle/bears: Martha Simmons while on tour in Montana

Cooking up Bloggers Shawn and Meg!

It's that time again. That's right. I'm finally back in the kitchen testing recipes and trying new pots and pans to find the best cooking method for burning roasting bloggers. It's taken me awhile to get the goods on some of you so I needed the long break. Then came the prep work in the kitchen. Some of you are very tough and needed some serious work with the tenderizer mallet. BAM! I've got some muscles to show for it.

But I prevailed. I was able to beat the following talented bloggers into submission today: Shawn from The Shark Tank and Meg from Prefers Her Fantasy Life.

Let's start with the shark guy, Shawn. The first thing you see on his blog is a shark licking its chops. Maybe this creature is thinking that I might be tasty, with a little fattening up and some seasoning, but so far I've managed to get it to back off with a promise of cat, fox, or *giant-mashed-snake for its next meal.

So what does this Shawn guy get up to? He's very funny even if he is confused about certain aspects of the animal kingdom. He blogs about a large variety of topics so you can't pin him down. I guess he likes it that way, huh?

But, you know me. I'm practicing to be a E-Stalker of the Year so of course I found Shark Guy stepping out. Here he is playing in the wrong tank:

OK. Which one of you farted?

Shark Guy has apparently always had a fascination with tanks. I caught him as a baby looking for his pacifier:

Guess who is upset about this? That's right. Perspective Cat's cousin Pathetic Cat was wanting his fair share. I'm not sure there would be much left of Mr. Fishy if the cat had its way.

Shark Guy's goose has been cooked. Now I'm ready to pan-fry the next blogger: Meg. I like Meg. She's a girl after my own soul with a colorful past in San Francisco. She's going thru some changes in her life right now and she needs our support. But that will have to come later as she is now sizzling in my frying pan and she sure does smell good.

She has lived her life under assumed names so it was again tough to find out her inner most secrets. But I'm no quitter. She claims to like dancing and has even posted pictures of herself wearing funny shoes bouncing around like a pogo stick making all kinds of racket. But, she hasn't been very honest with us. Her real talent is acrobatics. That's right. Here she is in a fantastic costume entertaining the crowds in Belfast:


You go Girl! Also, she said something about teaching school? Her students had better behave themselves. During her time in the circus, she came home with this guy as her pet:

Where's that friggin' apple, Boy?

I hope you had a good meal and enjoyed the company. Stay tuned. It's always a surprise to see who will be the next cooked goose around here. Also, the Humor Bloggers Virtual Road Trip will make a stop here mid-June. It's everything you always didn't want to know about Cowtown (and didn't ask) in two quick, exhausting days. Eat your Wheaties!

*I recently encountered the giant, smashed snake while out for a run. EEEEWWWW!

Photo credits: tiger tank: some email, fish bowl: some email, acrobat: goodonpaper on flickr.com Creative Commons (see sidebar for license info), dragon: jeffhenshaw on flicker.com Creative commons (see sidebar for license info).

Cooking Up the Thursday Trio

The stove is warmed up and ready to go. Today I'm roasting three more suckers bloggers and they are starting to smell yummy! I've got the camera charged up and ready for some more horribly damaging wicked crazed-paparazzi photographs.

My evil twin has made an appearance this week and has not quite left the building so.....

I won't be holding much back.

When I grow up I want to be Georgie, aka "heart georgie" from her cute signature on her blog comments. Her blog is Decisionally Challenged. No really. That's the name.

She is amazing and keeps up with 2 other blogs.

ReformingGeek, you're at it again. Keep the brain fog at bay. Georgie keeps up with over 200 blogs!

Oh.

She lives in Oklahoma which blows away at least once a year, either by tornado, dust devil, blizzard, or is so covered in red dirt you can't see it. There is nothing between Oklahoma and Canada so we Texans are glad that Oklahoma keeps most of that red dirt!

Anyhows, all this stuff about raising kids and going to church and family outings. Sheesh! She has fooled us all this time. She's a SPY! Here she is in disguise for her latest covert Op. Her handsome hubby is in on it, too. I can only imagine what the pillow talk is about:


You just can't put much past me. Snicker. Snicker.

Next up is Dani from This Ain't No Effin' Mom Blog. Those itty bitties she talks about? Just a bunch of hogwash. I found her in her "itty bitty" and her leathers out having some fun in the sun:


Guys, I hope you enjoyed that special photo.

Then I saw her other self. She's obviously very religious and feels that it is important to show her beliefs in public:


Another head turner for you guys.

She says she's a nurse. Uh huh. Maybe in the Psychiatric ward.

She has 6 kids. She should probably be committed. I spotted her youngest posted on E-bay. He must be really proud of mom's commitment to the church:


Wow! That was some serious cooking mess. I've cleaned the roasting pan and greased it up for the mysterious Jean Knee from Put Some Polka Dots On It. Huh? Jeannie? Jenny? I'm confused. Who is this woman? She hides behind chickens and is in love with someone named Etsy and has this unnatural "thing" for Al Gore. And those dots? I'm getting dizzy.

Maybe she needs to get with Dani and take a trip to the psych ward.

Or maybe I do.

After my excursion to find out more about this mysterious lady, I've realized that she and Bee (the one that muses) have something going on. I caught them out on the town together, a couple of hippie chicks on the loose:


I'm not sure what happened to their heads. Maybe Zombies? Sorry about that ladies.

Seriously, these folks are great bloggers. I love their stuff. Check them out when you can!

That's all the ingredients I have for this time. That one that muses will be in my frying pan soon.

Please keep Dani's family in your thoughts and prayers. Her hubby was injured in an accident at work.

Photo credits: Baby playing with nuns: thus spake drake, flickr.com Creative Commons, Baseball nun: ginsoak, flickr.com Creative Commons, Hippie girls: wallg's photostream, flickr.com Creative Commons, motorcycle lady: istockphoto.com, Mr& Mrs. Smith: wikipedia.com

Cooking Up the Thursday Trio

It's that time again. It's time for ReformingGeek's roast. That's right. ReformingGeek, aka Wicked Paparazzi, has been in the kitchen again preparing dinner. Tonight you will dine on Deb, Marissa, and Marvel Goose eggs. Side dishes will include grilled asparagus and mashed potatoes.

While I was out looking for pictures of my meals, I got distracted by a little spring color:

Photo: ReformingGeek, No Rights Reserved

Ah...nice bluebonnets, ReformingGeek. Now get back to the meal.

Sigh.

First in the oven today is Deb from Debbie Does Drivel. She has described herself as dark-headed with dark eyes frowned upon by skinhead neighbors. Obviously, her neighbors have been taken over by aliens just like most of the other folks in Maine. She is also in love with ME. No, not ME as in ReformingGeek, but ME as in the state of Maine. From wild and crazy sledding races to yaaaaachting to what to do during mud season, you'll enjoy her driveling yarns (yeah, the knitting kind). Ha! She also has a dog, Nutjob, that truly must be possessed.

Be careful if you are invited to dine with her as she serves up some very interesting "food" items. She doesn't like cats and I snapped a picture of Nutjob doing Mom's dirty work. I bet he got lots of treats as his reward.




Next up is Marissa from WhaHappen. She is the little sister I never had. She's a pretty lady with a tough-ass daughter in the military but you might want to avoid an elevator ride with her. Also, do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT call her a mail-order bride even if she is totally confused about what "race" she is. ;-) We all know she's a hot-blooded Americano, right? I caught this picture of her as she was hailing a cab in Los Angeles one day:


Now for some serious egg cooking. Would you prefer scrambled or over easy? Well, Marvel Goose over at the The Daily Egg can dish out goose eggs however you want them and I sure hope one of them is golden. His blog is very funny. He has a history in radio and a bow-tie fetish and if you were around in the 70's, you might have caught him streaking. Hum....

Unfortunately, he's been a bit water-logged lately due to flooding in the Deep South but we hope he comes up for air soon and can get back to his hilarious blog. In the meantime, I found some crazy eggs for us to poach in his honor:



I hope you enjoyed your meal. Please feed the tip jar on your way out.

Other photo credits: Dog squishing cat: Who knows? It arrived via email. Crazy golden eggs: jefito, flickr.com Creative Commons, Minnie Mouse: Wikipedia

Cooking Up the Thursday Trio

Time flies when you're having fun, or so they say. I'm "working" at my part-time job every day so I almost feel like I'm back in the daily grind.

Alas, poor ReformingGeek.

I know that I'm not getting much sympathy from you guys...


It's Thursday again and I'm ready to "cook up" something.

Uh....I mean ROAST!

Before I get started on that, we had our first hailstorm of the season Monday evening. Although the hailstones weren't much larger than golf balls, they made a "Gosh Dern" awful noise hitting our windows and siding.

Gosh Dern, ReformingGeek?

Yeah. That's mild cursing here in Texas.

Fortunately, the storm didn't do much more than leave tree poop all over the driveway and yard.


As soon as you guys get over here with your brooms and sweep up, I'll finish this post.

Waiting.....

Waiting....

Waiting.....

OK. FINE! (That's more mild cursing.) I waited. You didn't show and I had beer.

Cleanup can wait. I've got a post to write.


So it's on with the roasting business:

Jacki from Moving at the Speed of Life cooks up a storm and her concoctions always look so yummy! She is now the owner of a new Money Pit home so I'm wishing her the best on getting her house and household ready for the big move. So in honor of Jacki, here's a nice batch of homemade Spanish Rice. I wish you and yours could have been her to enjoy it. It was delicious!



Tracy from Rambling Thoughts of the Neverending Mind is next on the stove. Notice the "rambling" part of her blog name? Well, she does write long posts and leaves long comments although I'm not sure I would really call it rambling. Not knowing what Tracy really looks like (I've looked on all the porn sites and couldn't find her), I'm thinking she has long hair, like Rapunzel:



Be careful. Do not forget to send her a question for her Tuesday special "Ask Tracy" or else she may wrap you in her golden threads and strangle the last little bit of life out of you! Also, DO NOT offer her any unwanted pets. She may serve them back to you on a platter.


Last in the roasting pan today is Dizzblnd from Soggy Doggy Bloggy. Obey her commands and do the Sunday special, folks. She's a funny lady with great stories from her family's adventures (like loading trash cans into a small car) and from long days answering the phone and talking with idiots intelligent people planning to dig and avoid utility lines. I found this picture of her letting her boss have it one day:


Or maybe that guy is one of her dumbass callers!

That was three. No extra roast today but I'm planning on having roasted cat tonight!

Just kidding.

It would be too messy and it probably doesn't taste like chicken.

Photo credits: ReformingGeek's driveway quickly snapped by ReformingGeek Tuesday afternoon. No rights reserved. Spanish Rice quickly snapped by ReformingGeek while distracting Perspective Cat and Hubby. No rights reserved. Rapunzel: Wikipedia. Dizzblnd: Who knows? It arrived via email.

Is This What You Call Cooking?

I bet you think I'm cooking something. Well, I am. Um..sort of. It's more like "cooking up" something.

Welcome to a new ReformingGeek series.

A friendly roast.

I mean roasting friends. Blogging friends! Don't worry. No friends were or will be smoked, grilled, sauteed, or boiled while writing this post.

This is how it started.

Crotchety said he was my friend. I'm wiping away tears of joy that I have one friend.

OK. One friend in New Jersey. Wait a minute. I know another guy in New Jersey. I will have to "friend" him on Facebook and see if he is really my friend. Afterall, isn't that the way we know who our friends are?

Um.....it's just a tool, ReformingGeek. You don't have to let it control you.

But, but, but.....Oh, OK.

So thanks to Crotchety's idea of calling out other blogs, I'm roasting thanking my blog friends. In the interest that you have other blogs to read, I'll limit myself to three roasts tributes today and call it Thursday's Trio. As to what I will call it next time, who knows?

Let me make sure you understand. I think all you are wonderful. If I didn't get to you today, don't worry, your time will come and after you finish reading this post, you might be thankful you weren't mentioned!

First, I get an occasional visit from a gnome. This is one strange gnome, aka VE, and he brings disaster wherever he travels. Be careful booking your next trip. Make sure VE is not scheduled to be there. I was spying on him one day and snapped this picture:


Look at him trying to hide from me amidst the bamboo and the wild ivy. I'm such the horrible Paparazzi that I drove him to this depth of despair. Or, maybe he is stalking female gnomes in this garden or maybe he is working on a escape plan for trapped gnomes inside the house.

He should fit right in, though, as this is my eccentric neighbor's garden. This neighbor decorates his lawn with not only gnomes but large metal sculptures of a monkey hanging from a tree, a pair of eyeglasses, and a couple of cows (the most recent addition that appeared last weekend). More pictures to come.


Now Quirkyloon is one of my first "blogging buddies". She is a super lady and lives up to her quirkiness. I tried to follow her one day and catch her singing opera in the grocery store but then I discovered her secret. She is actually not Quirkyloon, but Madonna. That's right. Since I'm such a great Paparazzi, I again snapped the photo nobody else could get. There she is:




I'm sure this will make me rich.

Waiting for the money to come rolling in.


I thought for sure that the Humor Bloggers might want the scoop.

Still waiting.

Oh well. I guess I won't quit my day job.

Movin' on.

Nooter - I always thought Nooter was a good pup; a little slow, sure, but afterall he's a dog. Then I saw this picture of him contemplating the tastiness factor of Little Miss Red Riding Hood:


BAD DOG, NOOTER! NO LITTLE GIRLS FOR DINNER, OK?

I have to include Da Old Man Crotchety in this salute, although this will make four roasts instead of three (Yea! I can count). He is a funny guy and I can just see him terrorizing the state of New Jersey (Is NJ really a state?) I went looking for a picture that makes me think of him and I found the perfect shot. He's obviously very thirsty:



I hope your enjoyed your meal. Those of your that weren't roasted today, maybe you will beg me to not include you next time!

Photo credits: Gnome: ReformingGeek, Madonna: AbsoluteMadonna.com. All others were from various emails that have floated around the Internet.