Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Day I Became Retarded

I need a break from Christmas crap stuff. Most of you have probably seen the CAT DIARY. It's been around via email. I felt it was a bit incomplete so I've added the next chapter.

CAT DIARY (from the email):
Day 983 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog continues to receive special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

And the next day.....
DAY 984:

The retarded dog returned once again.

WHAT'S THIS? The captors have left the door open.

F R E E D O M ! ! ! !

I'm out. I'm running free. There's a bird. There's a bug. Which do I chase first? This grass tastes great. Gotta poop.

OK, I'm bored now. Nap time.


HEY! I was sleeping. OUCH! Put me down you HUGE-WINGED CREEP! I'm afraid of heights. OUCH! OUCH! Your claws are sharper than mine.

Uh.....where are you taking me? Am I.......FOOD?!?!

Please, please let me go! I see my ninth life flashing before me.

I want to go home. I want my binkie. I want my stupid soft human.

I promise to stop tripping my tormentors and I promise not to vomit on the carpet.

I'll eat the dry nuggets without complaint.

I'll bring you the dog.

[The hawk finally tires of it's heavy prey and drops it.]


Bounces to all fours, unharmed, and assumes the I-meant-to-do-that-look (How do cats manage this?)

F R E E D O M ! ! ! !

I'm running free. There's a bird. There's a bug. Which do I chase first? This grass tastes great. Gotta poop. I....

I run back to the prison and beg to be let in.

SIGH! I have somehow become retarded.

How about a toast (or at least a vote) for a non-holiday post today, huh?


Anonymous said...

Great diary! I totally love it! Very funny RefGeek!

Still chuckling...

Marvel Goose said...

how in the world do you follow that? Looking forward to your solving that problem. Stumble and Smiley Love left in passing

ReformingGeek said...

@quirkyloon - Thank you. Only a cat can have that kind of day.

@Marvel Goose - Thank you. I need smiles and lots of warmth. It's very cold here right now!

Deb said...

Cats just let you think they are retarded. They are too cool and aloof to ever admit such a thing publicly. Dogs on the other hand, greet you by bounding to the door, tongue hanging out one side of the mouth, drooling and bouncing like they're on springs saying "I'm retarded! I'm retarded! I'm retarded" while waiting for the other retard/human to give him a treat. Cat/dog - gotta love 'em!

Chat Blanc said...

yeah, those damn cats don't know how good they've got it! Maxx always THINKS he wants to go outside, but seriously, he wouldn't last two seconds out there on his own! :)

ReformingGeek said...

@Deb - Yep. We love them and they make such good post material.

@Chat - My cat shook his paws at the cold air when I opened the door. Then he ran back to his warm bed. Later, he just couldn't resist going out though. He didn't stay long.

Anonymous said...

The Day I Became Retarded??? Ha! That's the best post title I've ever read!

By the way, it's good to know that you have a smile on your face, except when running!

Keep on with your blogging coolness!

Anonymous said...

This was very funny - and totally not what I'd expected when I saw the title.

Animal dialogue is the best.

Christina Bledsoe said...

Yes, I agree with Mike, animal dialogue is just as good as baby dialogue. Very funny post!

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Ziva said...

Ha! This is exactly what I imagine the cat we had while I was growing up must have been thinking. He hated me. He tried to kill me so many times by hiding in closets and jumping out at me when I wasn't expecting it. It's a good thing he became retarded...

"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"