Memorial Day, Construction Notice, and Open Letter

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend and has taken a moment to honor those that have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.

The rain has given me an excuse to not work in the yard too much so I've moved forward with the Geek Blog re-design. I hope you like it. I still have a few tweaks so be patient if things move around a bit. Yes, eventually, the tabs will navigate to something reasonably fun, or at least funny!

The not-so-nice Mother Nature cursed me Sunday as I was out for a peaceful run. Since this isn't the first time she has abused me, I wrote her a complaint letter:

Dear Ms. Fickle M. Nature;

Next time, I will use my weather machine against you, you sadistic Ruler of the Elements. Yes. I saw the big swollen cloud and I've seen many like them in the past that have been whisked away leaving me disappointed. When the little droplets of water started falling on me, I thanked you. I was getting hot and it felt nice.

Then your mood changed, you schizoid, sorry excuse for someone in charge of nature. Your cloud no longer dripped on me. It morphed into a giant pitcher and starting to pour its contents on me every step of the way. Even the momma duck and her ducklings went for cover.
You and gravity must be having a fling. Thank you for removing the sweat from my forehead and letting it slide into my eyes. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! I had to close my eyes and then I started to weave. Any spectator of this geek girl out for a run would think she swallowed something extra in her morning tea.

You would not cease and desist. You continued to pour on me as I amazingly safely crossed the street into the last 1/2 mile of my route. My feet were heavy with your liquid and my eyes were still burning and I was sure my transmogrification into a fish was about to be complete.

Fortunately for you, there is a happy ending.

I will forgive you....THIS TIME!

Hubby was waiting in the garage with a beach towel. I dried off and stepped into the house. You must have found someone else to drench as you turned the rain up a notch for the next 40 minutes. For that, I thank you.

Yours truly,

ReformingGeekFish

Photo credits: Ducks: some email

A Ghost Jumps Over the Moon

Honor your mother and father at least one day of the year.

Uh...Reforming Geek, you're supposed to do that every day.

Ok. I think I can do that.

On Mother's Day, I cooked for my mom and my mother-in-law and the rest of the immediate families. No, I didn't roast them and I didn't catch the house on fire.

We had southern comfort food: chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Yum! Dessert was lemon cookies and praline cookies. There was a huge platter full of cookies. I blinked and only a few were left. What the heck happened? My guests waddled to their cars. That's when my world went upside down.

There are things you should never know about your mom.

Hubby was backing my mom's large vehicle up our long driveway. I was following, walking with my mom. I made a comment to my mom about the headlights of her car being in our faces and she said she showed someone her backside the last time she had headlights in her face. Um....what was that you just said, Mom?

Who are you and what did you do with my innocent mental image of my angelic mom?

Mom says her friend was in the parking lot after a bingo session and turned on her headlights and "blinded" my mom. She got a bit miffed and turned around and dropped'm showing a couple of large moons and some hail damage. Mom also admits she had forgotten her friend's mother and brother were also in the car......oops. You have to understand my mom is tall and not thin. I can't imagine being mooned by my mom.

In other mooning news, this guy must be very proud of his backside.....


but those swim trunks gotta go. Um....I mean that I don't like them not that he needs to further disrobe.


Speaking of mothers, here's a story I'm working on about my mom's mother:

It's a hot day in the summer of 1909. Thirteen-year-old Irene Boone is tired. She has been traveling all day with her family and they have finally arrived at their new house in Kentucky. She's been feeling strange all day. Maybe it's the hormone change Mom recently discussed with her that sounded a bit frightening. She was not really looking forward to that passage into womanhood. Maybe it was just the feeling of being unsettled, having moved so much in her young life.

Irene went into the house to look around, hoping to find a place to rest and enjoy some peace and quiet from her younger rowdy siblings. As she turned the corner into the kitchen, the room grew cold and she felt a slight breeze. Then she saw it. It was white, just like she'd always heard, and it was flying across the room making an eerie noise. She screamed. Her parents came to find her. She had just seen a ghost, a real live (or not so live) ghost and she was terrified.

All that was left at that house was a cloud of dust as the family sped away in their truck, starting their search for a new place to call home.

I changed a few of the details but she really did believe that she saw a ghost to the day she died.

I've never seen a ghost. Maybe with the help or drugs or alcohol, I might. After my dad passed away, my mom claimed things kept moving around in the house. She thought my dad's ghost might be having some fun. Hubby has deja vu occasionally. I've had that happen once or twice and it was very weird, like I was in some other dimension.

Any ghosts or moonings you want to share?

Photo credits: Ghostly moon: Scott M. Duncan on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), psychedelic moons, Elfeda on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

H1N1 Snarcastic Mini-Rant

I don't know whether to make fun of local reaction to the potential pandemic or not. I do know that we want this H1N1 nastiness to go away but every time I turn around, something else is being canceled. I'm laughing but a part of me is saying don't. A major school district is closed again today. Should we start to worry about folks going crazy with cabin fever?

A-a-a-a-a CHOO! Excuse me while I grab a tissue. It's spring folks. People are sneezing for all kinds of reasons.

Canceling school may be a good move but do they realize kids are hanging out and sneezing on each other in the local parks or at the mall? You should probably stay away from Wally-World today as that sounds like a great place to find quality merchandise shop for cheap crap when the kids aren't in school.

I'm sure that there are not any teenagers kissing each other at Six Flags. Um...not that I ever kissed a boy on the Cave Ride (Don't tell my mom.) Yes, Six Flags over Texas is still open. Fleetwood Mac performed last night in Dallas and the Texas Rangers played a baseball game. But don't talk to me about them right now. Watching them play is putting me over the edge. Hubby has located the missing sleeve from my straight jacket and is making the call.

OK, that was fun. I love that kid's facial expression. Now back to the rant.

They are disinfecting some schools with bleach and other such environmentally and people friendly chemicals. Ick. That's right. Just plain ICK!

This is Texas. Some of us don't like being told we can't do things. From what I've heard, we should be seceding any day now. But hold yer horses, Gov'ner Ricky-Boy, we might need some help down here if things get a bit out of hand.

For now, I think I will just live my ever-so-interesting life normally. That's right. Blogging. Well, actually, it's also let the cat in and out while waiting for myself to re-invent myself and torturing my poor unsuspecting yoga students into pretzel positions. Ah. Such fun! I'm also being sucked into Facebook like that pathetic fly landing on the fly paper. Help! Help! It's another quiz (trying to control eye twitching). NO! NO! NO!

ReformingGeek, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! NOW!

In other news, around dusk last night, a couple of foxes (no, not ladies) came out of the woods and found a meal in my neighbor's yard. Even Hubby couldn't get great pictures of these elusive hungry beasts. They kept looking at us and licking their chops....not sure what that meant. Yes, I know that you only see one fox. The other one was already back in the woods.

That's my driveway that is yet again showing a good deal of tree poop. I'm still waiting on you guys to show up with your brooms and start sweeping.

Photo credits: sick guy: istockphoto.com, Fear motivational poster: some email, ReformingGeek's fox: Hubby

St-st-st-stuttering Salutations

Another round of some "interesting" spam has recently hit my mailbox and provided blog fodder. How do these people think of these things? I received an email from someone in Africa with the following salutation:

dedear shtiwe

Is this a stutter?

Did someone sneeze?

Is "shtiwe" really a name in any of the African languages?

Maybe they meant:

Dear Shitweed

After shifting a few letters around, I'm a shitweed, whatever that is.

Um...thanks.

I wasn't surprised to find that this dear friend in Africa needed so much of my personal information. I drafted a reply:

1. Name in full: FRefoUrmLingGeLek
2. Address: Will a skirt do?
3. Nationality: I'm a woman. I'm from Venus.
4. Age: Yes, most liquor is better that way.
5. Sex: Not with you.
6. Occupation: I wasn't alive then.
7. Marital status: You mean like "rawks", "meh" or "sucks"?
8. Phone no: Phone yes.
9. Fax: No, lies.
10. Your photo picture: I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours.

Oh yeah. I expect to receive my money any day now.

In other news, Mother Nature needs an update to her meds.

She brings us spring beauty:



but she can be downright nasty sometimes:


Look at the variety of shapes of hail in this photo. These are some of the smaller stones than the clouds pooped on us a few weeks ago. The stones with the jagged edges are particularly nasty. I can find corresponding shingle damage on my roof.

Photo credits: ReformingGeek's Hubby. He's good like that.

Can I Have Your Keys Next Time?

Last week I did a post on student drivers. Now it's time to look at my own driving. Yes, it's confession time here at the ReformingGeek household.

Wait...

It's always confession time here. QUIT STALLING AND FESS UP, GEEK LADY!

Wow. Sounds like one of my personalities is getting a bit rough there, huh?

OK. I hope you're ready.


1. I caused a car accident. I know. It's unbelievable that sweet little innocent me would do something like this. He's the story:

I was a teenager and I was driving with three other silly girls as passengers. We had one of those little hand-held flip signs that had corny phrases such as "You're cute!" or "Honk if you can read this!" or other such nonsense. Basically, you flipped to the sign you wanted to post and and held it up to the window. Yeah. Things were exciting back then.

My friends spotted a car full of....you guessed it, BOYS! They were cute of course and they were already glancing our way. So my friend finds the "You're cute" sign and flashes it. The guys held their glance a bit too long and rear-ended the car in front of them. Oops!

I floored it and was gone in a flash. I always wondered what they told the cops.

2. I will occasionally turn the wrong way on a one-way street. DERN IT!

3. I have locked my keys in the car. It was a LONG time ago!

4. I opened a passenger door and a moving car hit it. It was a LONG time ago!

Watch out, Others. ReformingGeek's driving.

That looks like Hurley ReformingGeek.

Um....yeah....well....weird things happen to him, too. I'll get back to the list now.

5. I don't normally run red lights but a cop thought I did one time. He was wrong of course.

6. I don't normally speed much more than 10 miles over the limit but again, some silly cop thought I was going 45 in a 30. Unfortunately, he was right. I was trying to slow down. Really, I was. After being incredibly rude to me, he let me go. Dude. I'm old enough to be your mama or at least your auntie. BE NICE or at least BE POLITE! I really wanted to kick his.....er....you get the picture.

7. I once scraped another car's door while parking and didn't leave a note. It was just a wee bit of a scratch; hardly noticeable.

8. I scratched my side mirror on a post in a parking garage.

9. I was stopped at a red light and a motorcycle rear-ended me. Poor guy. I think he had just picked up his bike from the repair shop. He buzzed away uninjured but with a dented fender.

Here's a few things I'm proud of:

10. I don't flip anybody off (or at least where they can see it). Afterall, I live in Texas and I know some of these folks are packing heat.

11. I don't scream obscenities out my window (just a little Gosh Dern It under my breath).

12. If you see my windows fogged up, it's not because there is funny business going on in my car. It's just me, breathing deeply trying to stay calm.

And appropriate for #13:

13. When I was in college, I ran over a squirrel and cried all the way home. ;-(


Anybody want to go to lunch? I'll drive.

Photo credits: Confessional: Mars Hill Church Seattle from flickr.com Creative Commons, Dharma van, Lostpedia.com

It's RACSAN weekend!

It's race weekend around here. That's right. NASCAR. Um....I think I got it backwards in my title.

Oops.

I'm hearing a loud roar from my house which is about 7 miles from the racetrack (as the crow flies) and I can't believe these little cars make so much noise!


Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes?

Those are toy cars and some are still in their packages.

Oh. Ok. I will take my *wine and go play with them.

Fast forward a few minutes.

Ok. That was fun [hiccup] but I need to finish this post so let's get back to the races.

I hear that the best part is the crashes. I also hear that there are some people that never actually enter the stadium. They just wander from party to party. Attending races must be a very dangerous hobby because all I hear about is the "red necks". What are they doing that makes their necks red?

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes?

You're not getting it. "Redneck" is a slang term. Wiki defines a redneck as:

An uneducated, unsophisticated, or poor white person, typically used to describe residents of the rural Southern US. A redneck can be a man or a woman.
From the red bandana worn around the neck by West Virginia coal miners during the Red Neck War (1921).

Hum....so the entire state of Oklahoma comes down to Texas for the event?

Apparently.

The worst part of race weekend for me is the traffic. The traffic does not stop on Monday morning. That's when all the RV's leave and head home or to the next race. Didn't anyone explain that they don't have to leave the racetrack in a caravan?

In other news, the grim reaper has been a bit too busy lately. Hubby and I lost a neighbor. My friend lost a cousin. Recently, another blogger passed away. Bizarre things happen every day.
It seems to me that lots of folks go to their final destination in the spring time. What's up with that? Could it be that the grim reaper union allows many of the reapers to hibernate and and get caught up on their quotas when they wake up? SHEESH!

Warning: ReformingGeek is entering sappy mode.

Life is short. Do something fun. Spend time with your friends and family. Don't work too much. Live in the moment (not in the past or future).

Sigh.

Enough of that. Enjoy your weekend! May you not be down on your hands and knees repairing tile in your mother's bathroom.

Photo: istockphoto.com

*Honest, Officer. I wasn't drinking and writing.

What's in an e-Name?

Most of us probably have a love/hate relationship with email. It's nice to have a tool to keep in touch with the world but it's so easily abused that we scream in frustration. Sometimes I wonder if we are all typing robots programmed to shut down our brains when we open our email programs.

I've come up with a few names for some of the more popular irritants most of us experience on a daily basis:

• Eloise, the E-former. This is the person who has to inform all of us with every joke, meme, cool website, video, or chain letter they receive. Sometimes this is done responsibly and THANK YOU to those of you that are screening what you get and intelligently passing on to the appropriate friends and family. For the rest of you, well.....um.....STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AND GET A LIFE! NOW!

• Ester, E-granny on Steroids: Getting the same email over and over again from the same person, usually an older female relative. Um....is this a symptom of dementia? Please, no...... Is this a symptom of dementia? Not remembering what you just did or said (or asked)?

Ethel: Where's the stamp for my email?
Bud: Just Oogle it, Ethel!

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Names.

• You may have heard of Linky-Love but let me introduce you to Linky-NO-Love: Chain emails. You know the drill. Do this and something wonderful will happen or if you don't do this, something bad will happen. WTF? Don't expect me to forward a chain letter. If it was something sweet, I may say thank you or nothing at all. Please don't take it personally.

• Tina the Texting Wizard: Tina, and probably most kiddos, use so many abbreviations that you have to consult Urban Dictionary several times to comprehend their emails.

• E-A-D-D. The person who obviously suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and doesn't read all of the email, missing an important question or request.

• Last Word Lucy: The person who has trouble finishing an email conversation and must have the last word and maybe it should have been a chat. OK. I'll admit to this.

• Dissertation Denise: Denise can't get her point across in just a few sentences. She must compose an essay to convey her point. How about a summary at the beginning Denise?

I'm sure there are some others, especially in the workplace. I didn't go there. I'd still be typing.

Amateur Antics - Shower Up!

OK, folks. Do we not know how to shower without the shower area looking like we've had a flood? If you're a guy, you're probably already thinking that showering is like shopping, a necessary evil and you are most likely very confused by all my fussing.

I'm working part-time at a gym right now. Most of you gym junkies, monkeys, and lizards are doing a great job keeping the place presentable but some of you leave something to be desired. You have become blog fodder and I thank you for the material for today's post.

I have seen the showers after you have been in them and I am not amused. So, guys, after you've finished, do you gather in the middle of the floor for a chat or what? The entire area in front of the showers is dripping wet. And guys, I'm a lady (no, really) and I don't like going in your locker room to tidy-up when I don't know if you're in there dangling around uncovered. Not that I'm a prude but I get my kicks from......

What, did you think I was going to tell you?

So here it is. How to Take a Shower. Listen Up! Ladies, you too.

1. Undress at your locker. Wrap a towel around the areas that are supposed to be covered please.

Your sweaty clothes go in the locker or in your bag. NOT ON THE FLOOR!

Your bag goes on the floor under a bench or somewhere else out of the way. We have limited space folks. Be courteous!

2. Walk directly to the shower. Do not pass go (or gas). Do not collect gossip on the way.

3. While in the showering area, place your towel on the rack or on a stool. Get in the shower and close the curtain - all the way.

4. Turn on the water. Get in (I don't care if the water is still cold). Take care of the cleaning business quickly using soap sparingly. After all, we need to be a greener society right and I don't want to be filling your soap dispenser every day, OK?

5. Turn off the water and towel off in the shower. Step out of the shower on your hand/sweat towel. Complete the drying off process.

6. Clean the shower with the provided squeegee.

No, not really. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

7. Stay covered while you finish grooming yourself.

8. Get dressed and get the HECK out of MY gym, placing your used towels in the bin.

Just kidding. I know it's YOUR gym. I just couldn't resist.

And, another thing. Don't ever be rude to the poor sod at the front desk (that's me) who is making sure you have an effing towel for your shower or I WILL SPIT ON YOUR SPIN BIKE ! ! !

Do you think I'm kidding? ;-)

Vehicular Virginity and Pipe Dreams

I can see spring as the light at the end of the long, cold tunnel although Hubby just told me that it's only the reflection of the landing beacons from the black helicopters circling our house.

[SIGH!]

With spring comes my birthday and although I don't really enjoy adding one to my current age, the alternative....well....is not so good. Anyway, when I think of my birthday, I remember getting my driver's license at age 16 and that made me think of my first car. (Yeah, my brain takes these wild, weird jumps.)

That's right. There's nothing like that first car that is all yours (complete with you having to pay for gas!) When I graduated from high school, my parents got me a 1980 Subaru with the lousiest A/C ever invented (what, it doesn't get hot in Japan?) It was cute and blue and I really loved it but I thought I was going to die every summer.

Actually, Mom would have preferred that I drive around in this:


I'm sure she tried to find one but became disillusioned at the pricing and availability and she probably would have freaked out if I told her I really did want to drive one.

So what was your first car?

Hubby's first car was something like this (thank you, Wiki, for the photo):


But it probably felt more like this:



If I had a kid, he/she would probably get this and the child would call me a STUPID DUMBASS TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE MOM STUPID DUMBASS for the rest of its life:



Back in high school, rich kids had something similar to this:


Yeah, baby. Now we're talking. I'm thinking why in the heck did I not date the guys driving Porsches?


Enough of that. What's your dream car?

I've always been fascinated with Herbie. What a cute little bug. And the driver....well...Hubby told me NOT to dye my hair that color.



Ah shucks. I kind of like it.

Hubby's mid-life crises dream car:


Hubby seemed confused as to why there are strangers in his car. I offered to replace the driver with his face and the front-seat passenger with a blow-up doll, but he gave me The Look. Oh well. He had his chance at fame but he turned it down.


Hubby's real mid-life crises car....um....vehicle:


So that's what it looks like. It is often seen from this perspective:



And, finally, Perspective Cat's dream car:


WTF? I'm speechless. That is so Not Happening.

There is no space in the garage.


Cheshire cat photo courtesy of talljoe on flickr under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial license. Porsche, SmartCar and Volvo c70 photos were "borrowed" from car sales websites. Remaining photos are the property of ReformingGeek. Please do not use without permission.

My Interview and My Two Cents!

Quirkyloon, one of the super-duper humor bloggers and the sweetest girl I know out of Mesa, AZ (Yeah, I know. She's the only girl I know in Mesa), interviewed me and wrote this post with my answers. But, hey, I'll take an easy way to create part of a blog post (I'm not proud) so here it is:

The first thing I thought when I opened my eyes this morning was ___________.

I woke up. I get another chance......er......another chance to be funny of course!

What do you like on your pizza?

Let's fold that sucker up and make it a calzone loaded with mushrooms!

I want to be reincarnated as a ________________ so I can _____________.

Let's see. In my last life, I must have been a turtle as it prepared me to be a slow, determined runner in this life. Next time, well, um, I wouldn't mind being Wonder Woman.

Would you prefer to have $10 million dollars right now or $1 million a year for 10 years? Why?

Give me the million every year. That way if I blow it, I know I have another million coming next year. If you give me the $10 million up front and I make a bad decision.......OOPS!

What do you want right now (last Saturday)?

Besides World Peace and Group Hugs and Rainbows and Puppies? Well......I'll take a nice dinner with Hubby (it's our anniversary) and some friends. Wish you were here, Quirky!

When I turn 50, I plan to be _____________.

Uh....50? That's way too close to have to "be" blank. Oh....I get it. Think of something for the _______. Um....I think I need a little more time. When I'm 60, I want to be retired living in paradise.

Do you like your hair? Is it straight and sleek? Wild and unruly?

My hair has a natural wave which frizzes easily. I'm always trying to tone it down which disappoints my mom who claims I used to have such pretty curly hair........Thanks, Mom.

Use three words to describe yourself.

Only 3 words? That can't be done. One Sleeve Short of a Straight Jacket on good days.

David Letterman or Jay Leno?

I'm going to have to go for David but Jay has more hair so....um......No. I'm gonna have to stick with David.

True or False: It's okay to pass gas in public?

Yes. Absolutely. Did I mention I like beans, onions, and garlic? Seriously, if you're alone, go for it, and make sure you're going to be alone for awhile after it oozes out. Otherwise, run for the potty, please, and wait there until the smell is out of your clothes!

I really confused myself on that last one. Just beware if you're around me after I have had a large serving of Pinto beans loaded with onions, garlic, and cilantro. If I could figure out a way to use ass gas as energy, I'd be rich.

Quirkyloon came up with some great questions, didn't she? Believe it or not, I don't think I lied on any of the answers. Of course I would never lie.

Maybe just little tiny ones like whether or not I really have any tattoos.

In other news:

Awhile back I mentioned I would be working a part-time gig in February. I won't bore you with the details of the work I'll be doing but let's say it should be slow enough at times that I will be catching up on my reading, taking cat naps, writing blog posts, improving my Sudoku skills and maybe even looking for a real job.

A real job you say?

Yeah, right.

I went in today to fill out paperwork and get this, they take a mandatory 7.5% out of your part-time salary for an investment alternative to FICA and they still take out for Social Security. I can see how this is going to go.

Hubby: First paycheck, huh?
Me: Yeah. Here it is.
Hubby: Where is the amount?
Me: I think it is in the debit column. Somehow I owe them money.

Or at least that's they way it seems to me.

My two cents on some recent events:

• Oprah's Birthday - Who?
• In Austin, Hackers Change Sign to Warn of Zombies Ahead - I like it! What a great way to describe some of us Texans!
• Mike Phelps Admits to Smoking Pot - OK; could be worse. It's your business but can't you do that behind closed doors?

Tune in Thursday for a caption contest. Win the remaining souvenir from my trip to Maui (assuming the cat doesn't puke on it or I have to sell it to buy shoes).

And, get this? I'm not asking for votes on humor-blogs.com. Can you believe it? It appears that the site has been up and down since the weekend and the javascript inside my template linking to the site was causing my blog to load very slowly waiting for the site to time out or explode or whatever sites do when they die, so enough already. Goodbye. Maybe it will come back later. Maybe not.

22 years

Hubby and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary Saturday.

Him: You left me an empty toilet paper roll.
Her: The roll had 2 sheets left. We shouldn't be wasteful Sweetie.
Him: You're right, Dear. What's a bit of unwiped poop when I've got the best wife ever!

So, 22 years married to the same guy? Are you Ward and June Cleaver?

Uh.....no. June would always make sure there was a full roll of butt wiping paper for Ward when he needs to "read a magazine". June always had dinner on the table and she was all clean and fresh before Ward arrived home. Wally and The Beaver and their cat were well-behaved.....

Very funny. Definitely. Not. Happening.

Now, back to the post. Here's a few more perspectives:

Her: "Yes, Dear" goes a long way.
Him: Lots of compromise is needed.
Her: Um....


Her: Tease each other regularly about who will have to take the cat in case of a split up.
Him: You will take the cat.


Her: Shoe shopping is encouraged as it is therapeutic.
Him: Beer tasting is encouraged as it is therapeutic.


Him: Don't make fun of the movie I'm watching by uttering "Frodo, Frodo, we are not in Kansas anymore."
Her: Ah....but it's funny and you take it so seriously ;-)


Her: Avoid overly detailed descriptions of the "really cool" Assembler or "C" programming algorithms you encountered at work today. (If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably a geek like me.)
Him: Try not to bore me to tears with talk of your online buddies and crazy blog posts.


Her: Consume copious amounts of wine and margaritas.
Him: Consume copious amounts of beer, wine, and margaritas.
Her: Hum....why does he need more alcohol than me?


Her: Limit conversations about the hot babe you encountered at the gym or the latest hottie at the office. But if you must go on and on about the hottie, soothe any possible hurt feelings with kind words about my appearance. Telling me how great I look after running or first thing in the morning or even thanking me for showering today all go a long way.

Him: Reassure me that my butt isn't big and I have nice pecs. Don't drool when Sawyer appears without a shirt on LOST.


Her: No extraneous baggage in the bedroom.
Him: So Catherine Zeta-Jones isn't coming over?
Her: Actually, this means the cat doesn't sleep with us. Can Kiefer come over?

Her: Rescue me when I'm the damsel in distress.
Him: OK, but only if you learn the names of my power tools and call them by the correct name when I'm using them.


Him: I want a corvette for my mid-life crises.
Her: I want a pool boy.

I'm no expert on marriage but here's a few things that are really important:

Agree on how the money will be managed (assuming there is any).
Him: Here's the money. You manage it.
Her: Cool.


Develop your own hobbies but spend time together doing things you both enjoy.
Him: I'm taking up skydiving.
Her: Bye. WHOA! Hang on. Let me check your life insurance policy....OK. We're good. Have fun, Sweetie.


Find a balance between your career and your family.
Her: So I guess this means that my secret life as a spy will have to take a a back seat to being a housewife and part-time fitness professional. "Sorry, dear. Dinner will be late tonight as I'm fighting terrorism in some crazy, screwed-up country overseas so that they won't come here and blow us up."
Him: My wife constantly rains on my dream parade about being able to collect a big fat paycheck without having to work.


Don't sweat the small stuff. Support each other during the big stuff.
Her: I got laid off.
Him: I'm sorry, Hon, but your job sucked. How much severance did you say you're getting?

It's been good. I'll keep him. Besides, it's just too hard to replace him.

Smiley votes are also keepers and they are appreciated.

Visit humor-blogs.com or humorbloggers.com for more crazy folks talking about crazy things.

Photo courtesy of istockphoto.com.

Sanitation Citation

What's this?

No. Say it ain't so. This can't be ReformingGeek's recycle receptacle still up at the "curb" from last Friday?

SIGH.

I'm afraid so and it hasn't been emptied. As of a few months ago, we now pay more for TWICE WEEKLY TRASH AND RECYCLE service.

I'm sure that missing us was just an oversight. I'm sure they must have been having a bad day Friday and forgot to come down our court. I'm sure they weren't quitting early enjoying the nice weather and a little drinkie to jump start the weekend, right?

Well, fine. I refuse to bring my bin back down my long drive.

Maybe the neighbors will take care of it for me. Or the neighborhood association will issue a citation for disgracing the appearance of our court. Actually, we are off the hook on that one. Our association doesn't give a flying wad of trash about stuff like this. Fortunately, the primary purpose of our association is the maintenance of the grass airstrip that is part of of neighborhood (e.g. tractor maintenance, fertilizer, repairs from armadillo attacks).

From all the horrible stories I've heard about homeowners' associations, I have no complaints about our association but our city is doing a great job of giving all of us a wedgie. I picture the council members sitting around a table, closing their eyes, reaching into a bucket of nonsense, and pulling out the latest "code". Then they pay lawyers to write it in the most confusing, misleading language ever and they pay these guys to enforce these "codes":

Photo: iStockphoto.com

On second thought, we may not have anything to worry about...

The "code" that really got to me was created a few years ago after our neighborhood was annexed into the city. They started charging @$1200 for a permit to dig a well. Thanks a lot, folks. I want a well but I don't want to part with $1200. But wait, there's more. There are permits to get a sprinkler system or storage shed, rules about when to cut your grass, and you can only pee and flush into your septic system every other day.

Just kidding. We can pee all we want and flush every day at noon.

At least nobody is telling us that we have to have flowers planted in the flower beds and what color we can or cannot paint the house!

Our neighbors keep us in line, though. A few years ago, during the darkest days of winter, when Hubby and I were both working some longer hours, we did good just to get the bins up the long drive and ready for the trash trucks. Bringing them back in a timely manner after they were emptied? That was too much to ask. One day I arrive home from work a little early and noticed that our bins were brought down close to our house for us by kind, concerned neighbors. Now wasn't that sweet?

Uh huh.

We took the hint.

Then there is the neighbor that comments on what you threw away (This is before the privacy of the larger trash bins with the enhanced twice weekly service.) Um......so.....my response is please take what you want. We obviously don't want or need it OR IT WOULDN'T BE IN THE TRASH NOW WOULD IT?

Seriously, I couldn't ask for better neighbors. With the exception of the adult goof-off that sometimes lives up the street and occasionally shoots off fireworks into the wee hours or races his motorcycle up and down the street, these folks are great. Most of our closest neighbors are retired and home all day (when they are not out in their RVs). Unfortunately, you can't put much past them.

How about showing some neighborly smiley love with a vote over at humor-blogs.com? No citations issued. I promise.

Damn You Mother Nature and Other Weirdness!

I know that Monday was Amateur Antics day and my post was about running but weird things seem to happen to me on days that I run. Or maybe it's that weird things happen every day. Or maybe I'm just weird or that things happen.

Oh dear. I'm getting confused.....must drink more wine before continuing.

OK, I'm back.

Yesterday morning after surviving the grueling almost-annual squish of the boobies (I was supposed to do this last month), I come home to a sweet, innocent cat sleeping in the sun in the backyard. So I quietly creep into the house to avoid disturbing the beast and I glance out my front window and look across the street. It's a woody area and I see this gray thing coming up the hill.

Hum......what is that? Is it a dog?

No. Not a dog. It's got cat ears.

Wait a minute. THAT'S A BOBCAT! SHEESH!


Um, where's my camera?

And then it disappeared into the woods. Another great photo opportunity down the drain.

Just in case it was hungry, I encouraged sleeping beast to come inside for refuge.



OK, that was exciting. Now what? Oh yeah. Time to go run. I ask myself why we seem to be in this weird weather pattern lately. For the past month, it's freezing/effing cold on Mondays with/without rain, sleet, or snow. It's windy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and warm on Fridays. Mother Nature is helping me into a straight jacket. YIKES!

That's right. Tuesday. Gale force winds out of the west/northwest. I brilliantly chose an east/west course with the Hill-that-Never-Ends headed west on the way back. I wasn't sure I was going to make it. First, I had to dodge trash cans all over the road, both empty and full. (See this post, my very first post, for my rant on this subject.) There was no paper or plastic option. You got both. I clumsily tried to get a neighbor's recycle bin upright and reloaded before the next gust. That was futile. Back to the run.

Anyway, I sure as heck didn't notice the advantage when I was headed east but when I started up that hill headed west, I was seriously looking for something to hold onto and hoping wild animals, dogs, cats, or anything else was not blowing up behind me. I think I actually ran in place for a few seconds during a particularly forceful gust. I wish I could say that this kind of run counts for double mileage. It sure feels that way.

Enough already, Mother Nature!

Also, here's some more craziness. The houses in the photos are just across from the south end of the airstrip that is part of neighborhood. They are actually in a different city (gotta love borders). I wonder if the developer and/or Realtor will mention the runway that's in their backyard and I'm sure they will freak out the first time a plane lands. For reference, the runway is parallel to the shadow in the first picture. You can barely see a windsock in the second picture. One of the houses is finished and the others are being worked on by really nice workers that talk to me when I run up and down the grass strip.





House photos courtesy of ReformingGeek.

Bobcat and trash can photos were purchased from iStockphoto.com. Any likeness to the real ReformingGeek or ReformingGeek's bobcat is purely coincidental.

How about a smiley vote over at humor-blogs.com to help Mother Nature get back on her medication and settle down.

Amateur Antics, How Not to Use a Public Trail System!

We've had some crazy weather down here in Texas. Seventy degrees Friday, eighty on Saturday. Everybody and their dog, cat, and pet iguana came out of the woodwork and they were all on the trail in the local park where I train (run or at least attempt to run) on Fridays.

I'm all for folks "going out to play one hour a day" and that statement should not be limited to kiddos but it must have been amateur day last Friday. So today, welcome to Amateur Antics hosted by ReformingGeek:

1. Pet leashes extend across the entire sidewalk. I really don't want to get killed tripping over Fido's leash folks.
2. Kiddos on pint-sized bikes circling other family members. Um....watch it there, Sweetie. I don't want to have to perform gymnastic maneuvers off the handlebars of your bike just to avoid a head-on collision.
3. Folks gathering on the trail for a chat with all family members in tow. Um.....CLEAR! COMING THRU! MOVE IT OR LOSE IT! Actually, I was very nice. In my best exhausted runner gasping voice, I said "excuse me, please". I think they took one look at my pathetic disheveled appearance crazed facial expression and ran for cover.
4. Forgetting to look both ways before crossing the sidewalk to get to the playground. I hate to break it to you folks but not only are there crazed runners like me trying to get thru but there are some serious cyclists on these trails. They may not even notice the thump thump of Little Johnny under their tires.
5. Feeling energetic and well-rested from your holiday vacation and walking/running that extra mile and then having to limp all the way back. Be careful folks. We don't want to carry you but if buff shirtless hot guys want to carry you (or me), I have no problem with that.
6. Guess What? You're just as clueless walking, running, or biking while talking on your cell phone as you are driving while talking on your cell phone.
7. If you pass me you'd better keep that pace up or I'll be passing you. Some people just have to be in front (you know who you are) but if you can't keep your pace, I'll be right there to light the fire under you. Doesn't this sound like drivers on the road?
   

I should be careful about #5. I can't imagine getting hurt on the trail. I would probably be rescued by this:

Photo: iStockphoto.com

I'm glad I got that rant off my chest though. Thanks for listening. It's cold again, local schools are back in session, and the de-zombied corporate folks are back at their desks. (I'm so very sorry.) By next Friday, it will be back to the "regulars" on the trail in the park.

Now for something a little more entertaining. What's up with this? If it's small enough to fit in a cup or you could lose it in your butt crack, it's not a dog. I don't know what it is but it's not a dog.

Photo: Some email floating around on the Interwebs

THIS is a DOG:

Photo: iStockphoto.com

Or maybe it's a horse or maybe it eats small pets for snacks. I don't know but I would not mind having one. I could use it for extra warmth while out on the trail!

Let's feed the pets today with a smiley vote over at humor-blogs.com.

Lost in translation

Happy 2009!

It's a new year so we all have clean plates but there is no reason to keep the plate clean too long. It's time to make fun of something. Today let's make fun of China, or at least the Chinese trying to speak or communicate in English.

First let's talk about "doomp-rings". A friend of Hubby's was led to believe for years that this was the correct pronunciation for the popular Chinese dish "dumplings". BTW, thank you Wikipedia for this appetizing photo. I don't know about you but that plastic fork doesn't add much to the dish, does it? How about some chopsticks?

Anyway, back to Hubby's friend. Poor thing. Her co-workers kept the joke going for awhile and then someone finally let the cat out of the bag. She was good-natured enough to laugh with them. I would have died from embarrassment. I'm good at doing silly things and getting embarrassed.

The rest of the story needs some setup. My mom plays poker slots at the casinos in Louisiana. This is about a 4 hour drive from her home so she goes fairly often. I'm convinced she does this to mess with my mind (make me worry). She enters tournaments and they nearly always have some sort of "prize" just for entering. For the most part, many of these "prizes" are next to useless and are usually pawned off to some hapless family member (meaning me). Some recent examples:

Wine and cheese picnic kit: This is a soft cooler that will hold a bottle of wine. It comes with 2 glasses, cutlery and a small cutting board.

Not too bad. Sure Mom, I'll take it.

Martini kit: Comes with a shaker, measuring glass, and a martini glass in a carrying case with the Casino logo on the front.

Hum....sounds like next year's White Elephant gift.

Red Serving platter shaped like peppers with silver leaves. YIKES! Yes, I do like bold colors but uh.....well....see for yourself:

Photo: ReformingGeek

Mp3 player: OK, now we're talking.

And then Hubby reads off these directions:

Battery is full on 3.7V. As time goes on, capacity indication will monish.

Indicator shows blank when battery almost ran out.

The player cannot be charged in case of power off.

It takes about 4 hours for the player with fully charge.

When connecting Earphone, The player FM Radio start working.

Um.....do what? Huh?

Gee, I hope I can figure out how to use it......


Please let me start the new year off with some smiley votes over at humor-blogs.com.

Because People are Stupid

I got a CD of guided meditations for Christmas. You're probably thinking HUH? It's a long story about one of my other lives....

BE QUIET SYBIL!

Anyway, I'm reading the information on the back cover and it explains how the meditations may make you very relaxed or that you may even fall asleep. OKEY DOKEY. I understand. I get it. And then the last line:

Do not listen to these meditations while driving.

WTF? Why did they have to say that?

Oh yeah. It's because someone will do this, fall asleep, crash their car and kill someone or themselves. In other words, trying to become one with their car and a tree or something like that.

But wait. There's more.

I was cleaning a drawer (yes, I do this every few years) and noticed the instructions for my hair dryer. Insert plug into outlet. Read all the directions before using the product. Do not plug too many items into one outlet. Yada yada. And then:

Do not use while bathing.

WTF? Why did they have to say that?

Oh yeah. It's because someone will do this and die. Well-deserved. Maybe there's hope for the gene pool yet.


Other ingenious ways to kill or maim yourself:

• Ladders, power lines and you trying to occupy the same space. EEEEEK!
  
• Stepping on the sheetrock while up in the attic. SPLAT!
  
• While driving, turning around to look in the back seat taking your eyes off the road and/or moving the steering wheel with you as you turn your body. YIKES!
  
• Pull up at the gas station pump, get out of the car, and light up a cigarette. Pump gas. KABOOM!
  
• Substitute something unstable for a ladder because you just don't want to go get one. WHAM!
  

Fortunately, so far, none of these things have happened to me. My dad has stepped thru the attic and my aunt used a bar stool as a ladder and ended up in the ER, on Christmas Eve. Sounds like it might be in my genes. Uh oh.

We all hope that we won't die because we did something stupid. If this happens to me, I hope that whoever writes my obituary will kindly omit the details.


Hope you have a great New Year. See you on the other side for more fun and games!

Let's bring in the new year with some smileys over at humor-blogs.com.

Got popcorn?

To wind down from entertaining and all the prep and clean-up that goes with it, Hubby and I like to find a few free moments to watch some movies. As I review the list of movies that have crossed the airwaves at our house recently, I ask myself WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Some of these we actually "watched" as opposed to it's just on. You have to understand that when Hubby is home, the TV is ALWAYS on. When I'm home alone, the TV is ALWAYS off.

Well, almost always off.

As for the entertaining, we had these little things over at our house Saturday; not real sure what they were. They were pint-sized, squirmy, made squeaky noises, and like to eat candy. We tried securing them with rope, teasing them with the coyotes and wild pigs, threatened to throw them out of airplanes or that we would be putting them in the oven but to no avail. We even tried Hide 'N' Seek and directed them to the giant wardrobe upstairs. Nothing worked. They had endless energy and bottomless pits for stomachs. Why can't we channel their energy for power?

We finally identified them as Hubby's cousins and someone explained that they were "children".

Oh.

Seriously, they were well-behaved and had a great time running around and playing in our yard (with all the leaves from Canada and Mexico and a neighbor's cat; no coyotes or wild pigs stopped by).

So back to the movies.

Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me: WTF? I've seen this movie before and once was enough. But last week it was on some channel somewhere deep in the innards of the choices offered by our satellite service and neither one of us were able to find the energy to change the channel. Mike Myers is talented and I loved him as Shrek but I don't have much use for Austin Powers. Dr. Evil and his clone? Sure, why not. I will say that I like the last scene where everyone is looking at the sky creatively describing Dr. Evil's rocket ship.

Kung Fu Panda: Um......am I an 8-year old? I think I would have liked it much better if I were 8 or maybe 4. Although funny in parts, it was incredibly silly and slow more often than I thought necessary. I kept expecting the Jonas Brothers to appear and break into song. It made me hungry for noodles though.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets: Entertaining but even more silly than the first one. I kept looking for Indiana Jones to show up and run screaming from a room full of snakes. I used to have a thing for Nicholas Cage. I got over that. He seems to whine too much in whatever movie he's in.

I'm much more into Matt Damon now. Bring me some Bourne!

A few times I walked into the den and Shrek 3 was on. At least I like Shrek and each time I see the movie, I notice more of the jokes/gags that are more adult in nature. How often do you get to see the results of some nooky between a dragon and a donkey? And a cat in boots is simply irresistible. Shrek and Fiona must be the also-rans although I really admire Fiona's gusto in this one.

I'm ready for some basic TV shows. We got HD for Christmas so we are all set for Lost and 24 to start in January. It's about DAMN time!

How about a dramatic smiley vote here at humor-blogs.com?

On a Scale from 1 to 12

Now that most of you have probably celebrated way too much or at least eaten your way out of house and home, how do you know if your holiday celebration qualified as successful?

So in the true spirit of an unreformed geek, I've come up with my own criteria to define SUCCESS:

1. No celebration attendee is transferred to the ER either by ambulance or speeding vehicle.
2. Fewer than 3 guests expecting to arrive at your house at a designated time to begin a meal are more than 15 minutes late.
3. Absolutely zero toilets overflow at your home.
4. No fire trucks arrive at your residence to put out any type of fire or explosion.
   
5. Your smoke alarm only goes off 1 time.
6. None of your guests break out in hives.
7. You don't hear shrieks of "OH SHIT!" and/or hear the sound of breaking glass.
8. You do not receive bathing products in your Christmas stocking or in a wrapped package.
9. All major household appliances, including the AC/heating units are in working order.
   
10. No living creatures set up housekeeping in your Christmas tree.
11. Two-thirds of your Christmas tree is still intact and over half or your ornaments are unbroken.
12. All of your pets have been located and de-costumed and are being treated for post traumatic stress syndrome.

In the spirit of the holiday, if you got 10 out of 12, you did good.

I hope your celebrations were grand and that you still have enough good cheer left over to give me a vote at humor-blogs.com.

Rest up for the New Year!

The Day I Became Retarded

I need a break from Christmas crap stuff. Most of you have probably seen the CAT DIARY. It's been around via email. I felt it was a bit incomplete so I've added the next chapter.

CAT DIARY (from the email):

Day 983 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards!

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog continues to receive special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

And the next day.....

DAY 984:

The retarded dog returned once again.

WHAT'S THIS? The captors have left the door open.

F R E E D O M ! ! ! !

I'm out. I'm running free. There's a bird. There's a bug. Which do I chase first? This grass tastes great. Gotta poop.

OK, I'm bored now. Nap time.

WHAM!

HEY! I was sleeping. OUCH! Put me down you HUGE-WINGED CREEP! I'm afraid of heights. OUCH! OUCH! Your claws are sharper than mine.

Uh.....where are you taking me? Am I.......FOOD?!?!

Please, please let me go! I see my ninth life flashing before me.

I want to go home. I want my binkie. I want my stupid soft human.

I promise to stop tripping my tormentors and I promise not to vomit on the carpet.

I'll eat the dry nuggets without complaint.

I'll bring you the dog.

[The hawk finally tires of it's heavy prey and drops it.]

SPLAT!

Bounces to all fours, unharmed, and assumes the I-meant-to-do-that-look (How do cats manage this?)

F R E E D O M ! ! ! !

I'm running free. There's a bird. There's a bug. Which do I chase first? This grass tastes great. Gotta poop. I....

I run back to the prison and beg to be let in.

SIGH! I have somehow become retarded.

How about a toast (or at least a vote) for a non-holiday post today, huh?