Blog Funny Business

Yeah, it's time to take care of some business around here.  

Will it be funny?

I hope so.

Over the last several months, I've had the good fortune of winning a couple of blog give-aways.  As to why I didn't take my winning streak to Vegas, well, I'd guess I'd have to like to gamble.

AnyHorten_Hears_a_Who,  over at The Constant Complainer,  my lucky number got me an American Express Gift Card.  It came to me wrapped up in this shirt:

Doesn't everyone have roses coming out of their head? 

Yes, I'm looking at the sun and squinting!

But wait.  There's more:

Evil Twin prefers this side of me.

If you haven't checked out The Constant Complainer, please do.   The rants can lead to some lively discussions.

Next, my number came up over at Decisionally Challenged.  That's right.  Georgie, an Okie from Muskogee,  presented me with a promotion code for a free ammunition.

No, that's not right.

It was 8x8 digital photo album from Seehere.com.  It took me awhile to put the album together but I finally did and here it is:

 That's one of my favorite shots.  

Hubby took it on our whale watching cruise.

Thank you, Georgie, who may not really be from Muskogee, but she is from Oklahoma, and I'm happy she's keeps most of the snow north of the Red River.

Check out her blog.  Send her chocolate.  She has teenagers. 

Finally, I received blog bling from that sweetheart Collette over at My Babcia's Babushka.  She gave me this "Feels Like Home" award:

I'm glad she feels at home over here.  I hope she doesn't mind doing a few chores while she's here.

Collette not only writes a great blog but she is an awesome follower. Her witty comments are full of love and support and her HUGS can't be missed.

As for passing this on, I have selected the following welcoming bloggers:

Ziva's Inferno - Free cookies for all

MrsBlogAlot.com  - She's my kind of crazy.

Momma Mia, Mea Culpa  -   She's trying to do things differently and is brave enough to write about it.

Me-Me at Mad, Mad Margo - Another great writer and follower with a fun weekly caption contest.

Have a great week!

Photo credits:  Hubby took the photos of me.  Exploit them.  I'll be flattered.  No, wait.

A Rant With a Slant

While on vacation in Maine, Hubby and I went shopping. Yes, I know. You don't believe it. It's true. We do that occasionally and Hubby comes with me rather than sleeping on the park bench like some of the other husbands we noticed. The poor sods most likely followed their wives off the ship but really just wanted to sleep off the buffet breakfast. Yeah, like that guy. Really.

As long as we keep the shopping timeframe/threshold/parameters to within a couple of hours, we are OK. Otherwise, we start to morph into shop zombies and start buying refrigerator magnets and plastic wind chimes and think that lobster claw Christmas ornaments would make great gifts. Then we eat fudge and ice cream and swim naked in the Atlantic. Wait. That didn't happen. I promise. We had cinnamon rolls and brownies.

Anyhowsitwhatever, we were in a cute little "natural/alternative" shop and I decided to purchase some locally made jams. Keep in mind this is in a town where there is a cruise ship docked at the harbor. That's right. TOURISTS shop here. I take the jams to the cashier and ask for a bag and packing materials. I hand her my credit card. She starts looking at me like I've sprouted another head and gives my credit card the evil eye and holds onto it for dear life. After I sign the receipt, she compares my signature to the card signature. So people REALLY do that? While she was waiting for the credit card approval, she pulled out one small paper bag and puts my four jars of jam into the one bag. Yes. Really. No padding. No nothing.

I ask again for packing materials. She offered me a couple more small bags. Sheesh! I had to wrap and pack the stuff myself. Folks. I'm an obvious tourist. Did she not get that I have to get this stuff home somehow?

She got under my skin faster than the the last splinter I got from my old wheelbarrow and you don't want to know what I did to that one-wheeled monster. It took some deep breathing to stop me from jumping over that counter. This girl was starting to resemble Anne Boleyn and I was thinking about heads on platters for some reason.

Maybe I was getting hungry?

Later, Hubby reminded me we were in a "natural/alternative" shop with a bunch of tree-huggers. Oh. Right. Now I remember. I believe in taking care of the earth but I'm sure they didn't want blueberry jam all over their store because their Nothing-Between-the-Ears cashier only gave me ONE bag to hold FOUR jars?

Hubby had to help me with the perspectives in this situation. He nicely suggested that I was supposed to have my own canvas bag, like the locals do. Um, OK. Yes, I have those. HERE. IN TEXAS. WHERE I LIVE. No, I don't take them with me on vacation.

Well. Teach ME a lesson. Maybe I should.

That's right. The "bag" can serve multiple purposes while away from home. Not only will it hold multiple jars of jam, it will keep the sun and rain off your face and with those handles, it could possibly be used as a weapon.

Hum...

Photo credits: bagged geek: ReformingGeek self-photo, check flickr.com for more of my inspired self-photos........KIDDING, sleeping off the buffet: troyperkins on flickr.com, Creative Commons license, see sidebar.

H1N1 Snarcastic Mini-Rant

I don't know whether to make fun of local reaction to the potential pandemic or not. I do know that we want this H1N1 nastiness to go away but every time I turn around, something else is being canceled. I'm laughing but a part of me is saying don't. A major school district is closed again today. Should we start to worry about folks going crazy with cabin fever?

A-a-a-a-a CHOO! Excuse me while I grab a tissue. It's spring folks. People are sneezing for all kinds of reasons.

Canceling school may be a good move but do they realize kids are hanging out and sneezing on each other in the local parks or at the mall? You should probably stay away from Wally-World today as that sounds like a great place to find quality merchandise shop for cheap crap when the kids aren't in school.

I'm sure that there are not any teenagers kissing each other at Six Flags. Um...not that I ever kissed a boy on the Cave Ride (Don't tell my mom.) Yes, Six Flags over Texas is still open. Fleetwood Mac performed last night in Dallas and the Texas Rangers played a baseball game. But don't talk to me about them right now. Watching them play is putting me over the edge. Hubby has located the missing sleeve from my straight jacket and is making the call.

OK, that was fun. I love that kid's facial expression. Now back to the rant.

They are disinfecting some schools with bleach and other such environmentally and people friendly chemicals. Ick. That's right. Just plain ICK!

This is Texas. Some of us don't like being told we can't do things. From what I've heard, we should be seceding any day now. But hold yer horses, Gov'ner Ricky-Boy, we might need some help down here if things get a bit out of hand.

For now, I think I will just live my ever-so-interesting life normally. That's right. Blogging. Well, actually, it's also let the cat in and out while waiting for myself to re-invent myself and torturing my poor unsuspecting yoga students into pretzel positions. Ah. Such fun! I'm also being sucked into Facebook like that pathetic fly landing on the fly paper. Help! Help! It's another quiz (trying to control eye twitching). NO! NO! NO!

ReformingGeek, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! NOW!

In other news, around dusk last night, a couple of foxes (no, not ladies) came out of the woods and found a meal in my neighbor's yard. Even Hubby couldn't get great pictures of these elusive hungry beasts. They kept looking at us and licking their chops....not sure what that meant. Yes, I know that you only see one fox. The other one was already back in the woods.

That's my driveway that is yet again showing a good deal of tree poop. I'm still waiting on you guys to show up with your brooms and start sweeping.

Photo credits: sick guy: istockphoto.com, Fear motivational poster: some email, ReformingGeek's fox: Hubby

The Theft of an Era and Some Eggs

Today, my blog name is Rantings of a Never-to-be-Reformed Evil Easter Egg Thief Geek.

That won't be a permanent change as that name is much too long and on those days when the brain fogs hits (No, it's not EVERY DAY), it will be impossible to manage!

Remember that we have an airstrip as part of our neighborhood. Back in the day before our neighborhood was slapped in the face with a lawsuit, we used to have a big Easter celebration. The Easter Bunny would buzz the neighborhood and drop eggs on an open field. Beforehand, neighbors would put candy in the eggs, tape them very tightly, and put them in a big burlap bag ready for the bombing runs. After the Easter Bunny made several passes and spread eggs almost everywhere except the open field, the Easter Bunny would land and greet pint-size or adult-size kiddos*. Just about anybody and everybody was welcome at this celebration although it was primarily the neighbors and their extended families.

*Note that the bunny wasn't the pilot. Some other sucker had to be blamed for the missed targets.

It was fun. Some of the other pilots would have their planes out and give rides to the pint-size or adult-size kiddos (see the pattern here). It was a great day to be outside and enjoy spring!

So what happened?

I think it's called PROGRESS and the trend that very few people actually take responsibility for their actions and are always looking for someone to blame. And for the lawyers that support them:


Remember this is rant day and thank you Chris Wood for the photo I stole from your recent post.

So back to progress. A large tract of land near the airstrip was sold. A new development moved in just south of our neighborhood. As a gesture of good will, we had a party to introduce them to their new neighbors. We offered plane rides for the kiddies or anyone who wanted one. We had a great time.


ReformingGeek is in the photo and apologizes for her choice of clothing. I'm a geek, remember! Hint: She's not wearing black.

Back to the story. Unfortunately, an unsupervised young child was playing with a golf cart and was injured. You'd think if anything happened, it would involve an airplane but, no, that's not what happened. There were no incidents involving an airplane or any apparatus that you might possibly think could injure a child.

Did I say unsupervised child?

Long story short. The child was not seriously injured. The parents made a very big deal out of it and pursued legal action. Everything has been settled but there are no more parties involving "outsiders".

Neighbors continue to enjoy Easter with their families. Sunday, once the weather cleared, we had planes buzzing around and cars were parked all over the place. It looked like another day in paradise!

Hubby and I kicked back for a relaxing day. We ventured out in the afternoon and as we passed a house down the road, I noticed Easter eggs all over the front yard. The family was in the back. I could not get Hubby to pull over so I could do a quick grab of all those eggs! Heehee. ReformingGeek's evil twin makes an appearance. Can't you just imagine the looks on their faces when it came time to start that Easter egg hunt?

"ReformingGeek stole my eggs. I will cast a spell upon her."

Photo credits: Piper Cub with a ReformingGeek sandwich: Steve Johnson, Unhappy child: istockphoto.com

I'd Rather Be......a goose?

"I'd Rather Be... " Facebook needs to allow that to be an option for the "what are you doing" question. Afterall, many of us would rather be doing something else, right?

Anyway, back to today's post. Life has not been overly humorous lately but I'm trying so work with me here.

I love this joke. My friend reminded me of it the other night after a bit of tequila and we were talking about the rumor that a Dallas Cowboy football player has bought the property behind our house:

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

The ability to fill a stadium with 70,000 people shouting "Jesus Christ!"

She did a good job telling the joke. I need more tequila to tell good jokes (or dance).

That's right. Down here in Texas, our relationship with the Dallas Cowboys drives us to drink or find religion. Maybe both. I'm ready for baseball and I'm sure the Texas Rangers will drive me to the edge of sanity again this year.

As for our proposed new neighbor, we have yet to see anybody at the property. One would think the owner might have at least visited the property. The other part of the rumor is that they are going to tear down the airplane hangar (SACRILEGE!) and build an "all green" house.
Hum....can't they pick some other color of paint? I bet all that green will get really boring.

Yeah. OK. I know that's not what they are talking about but I couldn't resist. The other rumor is that they have since sold the property to someone else. Whatever.

It's been raining here for the last few days and it's effing cold. I know. it's my fault. I complained about it being too dry and I was enjoying the warm weather. Mother Nature is up to her usual tricks. The rain must come all at once and we must be humbled with cold weather. Thanks, Mom. That slap in the face hurt!

With the rain and the full moon we've had, I've encountered some very grumpy folks lately. Can't anyone deal with a non-ideal situation without complaining?

Apparently not.

At the gym where I work, here's a few of my favorites this week (and they really do sound like geese sometimes):

1. Why aren't the TV's working?
[Pasting on plastic smile, fighting off evil twin]: They're working on it. There is a lot of construction here. Anything could have happened. Yes. We paid the the bill. I'm sorry you can't watch March Madness. I can't watch Fox News butcher yet another news story, check out the latest infomercial, or better yet, I can't watch Oprah.

Yeah right. I don't watch Oprah. Don't get me started.

2. "Can't you turn the music up?", said the whining member. "I can't hear it. Without the TV's we need louder music."

Um....sure. OK.
Evil twin: Ever think of saying Please?

3. Same person, a few minutes later, with a huge shoulder-dropping sigh, "You turned the music down."

Yes. I can't hear to talk to members that are asking me questions at the front desk.
Evil twin: There is no pleasing you today, huh?

I know. I'm in a non-ideal situation and I'm complaining. That's irony for you.

May you be free of whining geese today.


ReformingGeek thanks flickr.com Creative Commons for the photos:
Grumpy Goose: freebird4
Licensed under Attribution-NonCommercial No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic

When the Wind Blows.....

We've been having some nice weather down here in Texas. It's been really windy, though. There's crap blowing all over the place and I'm digging some very strange things out of my flower beds.


It's windier than being on the 99th floor of the Sears tower in Chicago and feeling the building sway back and forth.....back and forth.......You get the picture.

ReformingGeek pictures herself running for the stairwell and making it down to the 1st floor in 15 minutes flat........Then she pukes.

I'm scared of heights. I'm not sure I could go to the 99th floor of any building much less one that is moving back and forth.


Anyway, the nice weather blew THE YARD NAZI out from under her rock. Now before I rant about the NAZI, I will say that we have some great neighbors and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else right now.

This neighbor is always in her yard. Her yard is nice but she always has advice and I've heard it all.......at least six times. She "loaned" me gardening books last fall. No. I didn't ask. She just brought them over. Hum.......

She is also a drama queen.

Late last summer, I'm all comfy on my sofa reading your blog posts. Hubby is watching TV. I hear a very fast-paced "knock, knock, knock, knock......knock, knock, knock,knock,knock" on my back door. It was loud and almost staccato. I recognized the knock. It was either her or Chicken Little as it sounded like the sky must be falling.

I was hopeful that it was the pool guy or at least Kiefer or even Jack the Ripper.


DAMN! It IS her and she's got a wild, panicked look on her face.

Neighbor: "Do you have water running?"
Me: "Um, no."
My Evil Twin: Yeah. I'm in the shower with Hubby. Do you mind?

Neighbor: "I've got a puddle near my backdoor and I thought it must be coming from your house/yard since you're uphill."
Me: Um, no. [Insert plastic smile.] Maybe next door. Let's go check.
My Evil Twin: I thought your yard looked dry so I ran a fire hose to the property line and turned it on.


It was my next door neighbor's hose, accidentally left on all afternoon, and she was in her house oblivious to the "drama" unfolding around her.

I breathe a sign of relief. Another life-altering crises avoided.

So she gave me gardening books. I looked at the books and then they sat in my bay window all winter. Oops. It looks like my evil twin took over.

When I do training runs, I pass YARD NAZI'S house. Of course she's outside. She's always outside. I have my ipod on, earbuds in place, and it's playing some rawking tunes as I labor my way past her house. She calls out. I call back "Hi" and something about the nice weather and keep on running. As I turn my back, I wipe away my "smile" and I hear her say something about her books. I also hear her husband coming up to her. He's probably calling her off. I mumble a thanks to myself and make a mental note to bake him a casserole or something.

Yeah, right.

Fast forward to Saturday. I'm all comfy on the couch reading your blog posts (Do you see a pattern here?) Hubby is watching TV and I hear "knock, knock, knock, knock......knock, knock, knock,knock,knock" on my back door.

I say nothing. Hubby gets up to answer.

DANG! She asks for me (She saw me outside earlier - must remember to wear disguise next time.)

I give her the books. She tells me a story I've heard before. She starts talking about the drainage issues (again). Hubby and I walk her outside and she finally blows away. I was about ready to use the "I've got something on the stove" excuse.

Actually, it wasn't that bad this time. Maybe because it's been 4 months since I've seen her.

I think I'd better get busy in the yard.

This post reminded me of the very funny Britcom Good Neighbors. I really liked Barbara and Tom and wanted them to do well. What's your favorite British Comedy?

Amateur Antics - Shower Up!

OK, folks. Do we not know how to shower without the shower area looking like we've had a flood? If you're a guy, you're probably already thinking that showering is like shopping, a necessary evil and you are most likely very confused by all my fussing.

I'm working part-time at a gym right now. Most of you gym junkies, monkeys, and lizards are doing a great job keeping the place presentable but some of you leave something to be desired. You have become blog fodder and I thank you for the material for today's post.

I have seen the showers after you have been in them and I am not amused. So, guys, after you've finished, do you gather in the middle of the floor for a chat or what? The entire area in front of the showers is dripping wet. And guys, I'm a lady (no, really) and I don't like going in your locker room to tidy-up when I don't know if you're in there dangling around uncovered. Not that I'm a prude but I get my kicks from......

What, did you think I was going to tell you?

So here it is. How to Take a Shower. Listen Up! Ladies, you too.

1. Undress at your locker. Wrap a towel around the areas that are supposed to be covered please.

Your sweaty clothes go in the locker or in your bag. NOT ON THE FLOOR!

Your bag goes on the floor under a bench or somewhere else out of the way. We have limited space folks. Be courteous!

2. Walk directly to the shower. Do not pass go (or gas). Do not collect gossip on the way.

3. While in the showering area, place your towel on the rack or on a stool. Get in the shower and close the curtain - all the way.

4. Turn on the water. Get in (I don't care if the water is still cold). Take care of the cleaning business quickly using soap sparingly. After all, we need to be a greener society right and I don't want to be filling your soap dispenser every day, OK?

5. Turn off the water and towel off in the shower. Step out of the shower on your hand/sweat towel. Complete the drying off process.

6. Clean the shower with the provided squeegee.

No, not really. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

7. Stay covered while you finish grooming yourself.

8. Get dressed and get the HECK out of MY gym, placing your used towels in the bin.

Just kidding. I know it's YOUR gym. I just couldn't resist.

And, another thing. Don't ever be rude to the poor sod at the front desk (that's me) who is making sure you have an effing towel for your shower or I WILL SPIT ON YOUR SPIN BIKE ! ! !

Do you think I'm kidding? ;-)

Do Rei Mi Fa So La Ti Do

I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into the season but I'll be damned if I'm going to go to a "Christmas pageant, bazaar, or concert" or whatever you call them these days. That being said, let me explain.

When I was in college, I still thought I was Baptist (I grew out of that and I won't bore you with my take on organized religion). Our church put on a Christmas "event" every year. This was a kitchy song-and-dance thing with Baptist-style choreography set to some of the traditional songs (Sleigh Ride is ruined for me because of this).

OK. That was Act I. In Act II, they woke you up with the Hallelujah chorus. By my third year of this I was very glad to hear the final note and to see that exit sign. I know that I didn't have to go, but my BFF and the guy I had a crush on were in the show so I really couldn't miss it.

Baptist-style choreography is some of the simple steps you would see in a basic Jane Fonda Aerobics video from the 80's. It's gets very boring by the third song. Remember that strict Baptists aren't into dancing or drinking or just about anything that might encourage sex folks to have fun.

I don't have kiddos, but if I did I'm sure I would have cringed listening to them sing their little Christmas songs at the school concert. I can remember my mom with the fake smile plastered to her face as she attended as few of these little events as possible. I'm sure my kid would have had a great voice and all the other little brats darlings would have sucked.

I will say that there are some very talented church choirs and vocalists out there and I don't intend to offend anyone who is into this kind of thing. I really do enjoy nice music and beautiful voices. But I'm not into kitchy. And since I'm trying to be funny here please just play along.

Another thing I remember from church holiday celebrations is the "opera lady". It seems she was always called "Wanda". This is the lady who is always asked to solo in church and was obviously trained by a cat or in the traditional sing-real-high-notes technique of screech, scream, and shake. When she was singing, you start looking around to see if there is an earthquake or if the stained glass is about to shatter. OMG! Literally.

OK. Feeling better now. I think that must have been a rant.

Yesterday, Hubby and mulched up all the leaves from Canada that blew in 2 weeks go. This must have been an act of stupidity. Mexico has now sent me all of their leaves and the south-facing backyard is starting to look like it did before we started. DAMN!

Photo: ReformingGeek backyard 30 minutes after mulching - Elf You Mexico

As for Canada, I hear that you guys are sending us some Arctic air. Brrrrr. Can you just keep the air and send rain instead?

Be my favorite student!

I teach group fitness classes and thru the years I've seen some really weird behavior in the classes. I currently teach yoga but I've taught my share of step/cycling/aerobics classes in the past. Unless you want to be a topic at the next Fitness Instructor Happy Hour, avoid the following:

1. Competition for Position - This person sets up camp in the same place during each class. This is usually OK. Obviously this person likes the spot for some reason. But this can become a problem if they are challenged by a newcomer for the "spot". Girl fighting may commence.
2. Puddles (not a dog's name, folks) I know. You guys can really sweat and some of you ladies can too. Bring a towel and wipe it up before somebody slips and falls. I don't want to practice my First-Aid or CPR skills. If you used equipment, please wipe it off. Last but not least, deodorant and clean clothes (at least to start) will make class a little more fun for all of us.
3. Stare-Off - This is the participant that sets up directly in front of the instructor. Each time the instructor looks up, there they are. OK, I'm not scared up there anymore but this can be really nerve-racking and makes it harder for me to see anyone else......hum....maybe that's the point.
4. Look at My Hot Bod! - For the ladies, real, fake, whatever. I don't need to see their outline in that tight-fitting top or popping out of whatever you thought was appropriate attire today. And, guys, loose-fitting shorts in yoga...commando..need I say more? And guys, contrary to popular belief, tight thin bike shorts outlining your anatomy do not turn me on.
5. Independent Thinker - Hey, this is usually a good thing but in step class with the instructor giving direction, showing off your own moves can be very distracting, especially when you fall doing that reverse-turn-hop-straddle thing ;-).
6. Leave it at the door - Your phones, pagers, and other technology that can make cute little noises during class. Even worse if you answer the damn thing.

I'm sure we've all been guilty of weird behavior at one time or another and if you see yourself as one these characters, roll your eyes and have a little laugh at yourself. If you don't, I will.