Guys and Dolls and 30 Years

Guys, pay attention.  You have been complaining about male butt overload on this blog.  Well,  complain no more.  This post may have something you want to see.

But for the ladies? 

Um.....well....read it anyway, 'K?

Remember that class reunion I attended?

No?

If you need a reminder, click here.

I am now in possession of some photos.  Here's a bit of leg:

People eating (not people-eating) must be a magnet for a photographer:

Dude, we were about to go get dessert!

No.  I'm not in that photo.  Do you think I would post one with ME eating? 

A mysterious head in the crowd, talking to someone she doesn't remember but looks pretty darn good after 30 years...

You did WHAT last night 

at the after-party?

Oh, my, my, MY!  A pair of melons worth the trip to this blog, huh?

NO.  THEY AREN'T MINE.  Those things probably weigh more than I do and cost more than I make in a year.

**Waves wand, shouts R I D D I K U L U S**

Geeks appear before you:

Ok.  Ok.  The one in the center was drill team so I won't call her a geek.  The others, well, we were all band wienies at our respective schools (The ladies are alumni.  The men are semi-bored spouses).

Guys,  just in case this isn't enough,  how about some hot horse power?

It looks hot out there doesn't it?

Oh, that's not hot horse power?

Ok, how about this?

Snort.

Note to self:  Don't let Evil Twin pick out a sports car....or any car.  She gets a bit confused between horse power and actual horses.

Sigh.

Photo credits:  Reffie-leg, head, and other reunion photos:  purchased by Reffie, Pinto: Bogwan from flickr.com, Ford Pinto: jacki-dee from flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

You Can Still Sing, Even With a Froggy Throat!

I hope you had a great weekend.  It's spring and we've had decent weather so I'm sure some of you may need to go back to work to get some rest.

I opened one of my wildlife publications recently and this riveting gribbiting little fellow greeted me:

 A little bird told me that a certain geek has a birthday soon.  

Then I ate it.  Gribbit.  Burp.

Yes, indeedy, this geek is celebrating another birthday.  *It's tomorrow and my age will be x'30'. Unlike last year, I'm hoping that I don't get a hail storm as my gift!

Yesterday (Sunday) was the 10th anniversary of the tornado that hit downtown Fort Worth.  It was quite an event.  There were a few deaths and a lot of damage.  Seeing the streets of downtown decorated with shreds of glass was not my idea of entertainment.  I wrote a post about it last year.  If anything, take the time to click on this link just to see the photo.  It shows the building I worked in at the time.

For my birthday this year, Hubby dressed up in my clothes:

Just kidding.  He needed a kilt for an online contest!    I told him that it takes a real man to wear a kilt.

Let's end today's post with a song:

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday Silly Geek

Happy Birthday, Happy Earth Day

Happy Birthday to Me.

*My age in hexadecimal notation.  Yeah, I'm a dorky geek.  I'll be 48.

Ms. Spring, You Owe Us an Apology!

While folks up north and to the east enjoyed our warm Texas weather this past weekend, spring came to north Texas with an attitude, or a hangover, or both.  It must have been some party Ms. Spring attended.  

We had rain, and some more rain, and then snow, and some more snow.   Also, saying that we had a bit of a breeze would be an understatement.  The squirrels adapted by sprouting wings.  They gracefully flew through the trees when they were brave enough to come out of hiding.  Rabbits were getting a little extra air on their hops, easily avoiding Cat while he slept on a warm binkie snuggled up next to me in the warm house.  

Hum...maybe my twisted view of local "wildlife" was caused by a different kind of hops.

Although the snow blew away by mid-afternoon on Sunday,  there was enough of it in some areas to cause some serious issues with our roads. Texans with spring fever hit by a freak snowstorm in the dark is not a good mix.  It would be similar to rednecks in tuxedos singing opera.

Yeah.  I know. That's enough whining.  It's Texas.  The weather changes quickly.

TODAY IS BEAUTIFUL!  I'm having a bit of an issue with lead foot.  I have to drive through numerous 30-mile zones to get to my part-time job and I try to keep it under 40.  I'm having a hard time today.

Maybe I was in a hurry to get home and write this post.  

I know I was in a hurry to get out of the cold water at the gym.  Maybe Ms. Spring left some of her blasted frigid white stuff in the pool?

Sheesh!  I did a lot of full-stroke swimming this morning eliminating some of the drills that I normally do because they don't keep my heart rate up high enough to stay warm. 

Yeah.  I know.  I'm whining again.  LOL.

Have a happy Monday!

I have some photos from my St. Patrick's Day Triathlon.  Enjoy!

 Slithering up the ladder

 Loving the sunshine

 Where's the finish line?

 Satisfied finisher!

Photos:  Your Sporting Image by Karen Thibodeaux, purchased by Reforming Geek

Big Fish, Little Fish, and Bottom Feeders

You probably noticed that someone stole an hour from most of us over the weekend.  Yes, you lucky folks in Arizona and Hawaii still have your hour.  Wait.  Maybe you've been stealing them all along. 

THIEVES!

Off to the races...

After losing that hour and not being able to sleep all that well anyway, I somehow got out of bed Sunday morning for the St. Patrick's Day Triathlon.

The weather was nice.  There was no wind in the chilly transition area at 6:30 am when I arrived and arranged my stuff but I was glad when they let us inside the natatorium to hang around for the start of the race. 

Swimmers hit the water by 7:40 am and I listened to a dude playing bagpipes for over an hour before it was my turn to swim.  Can I have his lung capacity?

In the pool, I felt pretty good until the next to last leg.  That's when I encountered octopi.  No, these weren't critters recently escaped from the ocean, but they were men flailing about doing every stroke imaginable to stay afloat and to get ahead of the other guys (of course!).  There were hands and legs and bodies everywhere going nowhere. They completely blocked the swim lane so I had to invent a slither stroke to get around them.  SHEESH!

The exit ladder was a welcome sight.

  

After dripping my way through the transition area to my stuff and attempting to towel off,  I hopped on my bike for the next part of the race.

While on my ride, I saw a local elite runner out for her morning practice.  This woman chases cars for practice.  No, not really, but she does sprint half marathons. She reminds me of the Energizer Bunny and the vortex of energy around her is surely very powerful.  Her name is Fiona (what a pretty name) which I've conveniently changed to "Speedy Fi (fee)".  Maybe it's good her parents did not name her Phoebe.  "Speedy Phoebe" is just too hard to say.

I must learn to siphon her energy.  Too bad she was going the opposite direction or I might have asked her to carry me and my bike up the hill.

Finally, I finished the ride, found my stuff, racked my bike, took off my bike helmet (very important) and started the run.

But wait. What's this?  My feet were numb.  What the frozen tundra was that about?  Yes, it was chilly on the bike after being in the water but I didn't think I was that cold.  Apparently, I was.  That, and the fact that my brain said "send blood to quads, glutes, and hamstrings" over and over again for almost an hour.

The finish line was beautiful.  Hubby arrived just as the announcer called my name as I was crossing the line.  Hubby couldn't have planned that if he'd tried.   

I got me some pancakes, and no, they weren't green.

The lady with the green hair...

I wore my costume.  I had the shirt and skirt on for the bike ride and added the green hair and a hat for the run.  I received many comments, mostly from guys on bikes passing me saying "nice skirt".......

I certainly didn't mind.  A few of the ladies indicated that they liked my hair.    There weren't too many costumes so it must have been up to me to entertain folks!

The results are in....

Surprisingly, on the running part, I did quite well, coming in second in my age group.  For swimming, I need to advance from bottom feeder to at least little fishie drafting off big fishies in order to improve my swim time.  I improved my biking time by over 10 minutes.  I noticed something else, though.  My quads are about 1/3 the size of some of these ladies' quads.  That can be said for my butt, too, and that's a good thing!

Update: Although I'm happy with my run results, I placed very low in the swim and bike events so my overall result makes me somewhere between a bottom feeder and a little fish.  LOL.

I hope to have some photos soon.

Cattle, Piglets, and Dead Beasts

It's Friday. What to do this weekend?

Well...The Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo continues to attract goat-ropers, rednecks, and non-vegetarians for a couple more weeks. Also known as "The Fat Stock Show", it's not only a great place for meat-lovers to see huge animals that will eventually make great steaks but it almost always brings us a round of nasty weather.

Afterall, it IS January.

This year we have avoided the snow and/or ice but it's been raining way too much and my yard again resembles a lake. Please don't bring your personal water craft and attempt to entertain your inebriated self on my lawn this weekend.

Maybe I will pass on looking at well-fed warm smelly animals and queuing for freezing carnival rides. I will be way too busy doing my usual weekend activities of washing my hair, letting cat in and out, and doing Cat's laundry. I will need to take several rest breaks, of course, wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, watching the grass turn brown, or watching Matt Damon do something Bourne for the 100th time.

In other news this week...

I regret to inform you that my trusty Mac Powerbook purrs no more. It seems to have developed an allergy to power and is no longer able to receive and process any of this required elixir. It's been a good lap beast and I will miss its cool grey ambiance. I'm thinking of having it stuffed and mounted.

Dark is the new light.
RIP Grey Lap Beast.

Sigh.

Fortunately, we have an old boat anchor Dell that I'm using until Cat pays us his rent for the month.

Stay warm and dry out there and have a great weekend!

Today's Deals: For only $19.99...

Welcome, folks! I'm so excited to be here today. You are about to hear the greatest news and have the opportunity to be the first to purchase......

Questions, already?

OK. OK. OK. Let me explain a few things before I continue.

No, you won't speak a new language in two hours.

No, you don't have to join my religious group where we eat Tex-Mex food and fart by the campfire every Saturday evening.

No, you won't lose 120 pounds in four months.

No, your penis will large grow to inches 12 not.

No, your breast size will not increase by four cup sizes after applying our product.

Whoa. Wait a minute.....

DANG!

I digress. I'm trying to tell you that my opportunity is amazing. It has the potential for real change in our country.

I have solved our energy crises. We won't need Ahab's oil or the oil from the Alaskan Preserve. We won't need nuclear power. I'm so happy about this part. I'm tired of hearing folks butcher the pronunciation by calling it "nu-cu-ler".

I have invented the ultimate device. Energy creation will be immediate, clean, and renewable.

Without further adieu, here it is:

The PURR-EXTRACTOR 2010!


Just put a kitty in the collection chamber, close the lid, and press the button. Purr energy will be siphoned and sent immediately to your home's electrical system. When the lights dim, insert a new cat. When you're out of cats, grab your neighbor's cat or contact your local animal shelter.

But wait. There's more. Options for cat collection and a breeding farm start as low as $19.99.

I shall be rich.


Fine print:
- Silly blond woman misusing the device not included.
- Cats not included.

I wonder why Cat has been avoiding me lately.

Super-fine print:
-I think Evil Twin must have come up with this scheme. I would never hurt a kitty.

Brown Shoes are Good for Brown Pants Days

Something is terribly amiss here in Geekville. The fairer sex knows that women can never have too many clothes or pairs of shoes or belts, or purses.... You get the point. Just to be clear, by fairer sex, generally speaking, I'm referring to females.

I walked into the bedroom closet this morning (yes, I can actually see the floor and walk in) and discovered that Hubby has more shoes than me.

GASP!

Yes, this is a terrible tragedy.

I must have missed the shoe orgy, hot shoes all over each other, copulating like rabbits on Viagra. Several pairs of "work-out" shoes, numerous "office" shoes, shoes for messy jobs, and various casual shoes were obviously not practicing safe sex.

I noticed a predominant color amongst our collections.

Dark-brown.
Light-brown.
Reddish-brown.
Blackish-brown.
Tan-brown.
Brown-brown.

Ick.

Something must be done quickly to remedy this entire situation.

The first idea that came to mind was to sweetly ask Hubby to trim his collection but then I thought again. There is open space on the floor. I CAN BUY MORE SHOES!

Yes, that's it. This will surely solve the problem.

Does it matter that I don't need them?

I think not.

Doesn't every runner need at least four pairs of running shoes and at least two pairs for other sports like tennis, racquetball, cat juggling, or....er....fencing?

Definitely.

Surely I need some sexy shoes for those fancy events that I rarely attend.

Is it a problem that many of my shoes are brown and are supposed to be cushy instead of sexy?

Reffie's favorite pair of winter shoes,
cushy-comfy and oh, so very sexy....

YES. This is beyond horrible. Not only is this color boring but I'm showing my age, resorting to comfort over fashion. Has the brain fog clouded my middle-age brain hindering its ability for footwear frivolity?

Apparently.


I have a small, narrow foot that fits no shoe. Shoes that feel wonderful in the store morph into a different animal upon their debut in the real world.

I would love to have boots but I'm numb from trying them on, forever hopeful that something will fit. I'm betraying my native Texan status since I don't own a pair of cowboy boots.





Sigh.

I can see that this has come down to a fine whine. My humblest shoepologies. Please help me clear the brain fog by sending me your pretty, colorful shoes, size 6, narrow, or you can just leave me money in the comment box.

Thank you.

Photo credits: Geeky shoes: ReformingGeek, boots:Fran53 on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

Blog-Off 2010: Criminal Intent

Thanks again to all of you that voted for me last week. I made it through to Round Two in Blog-Off 2010. I must beg you again to vote for me over at Knucklehead this week. Polls will open as soon as Knucklehead wakes up out there on the west coast and are open thru Wednesday. More information about the contest along with my first entry can be found here.

This week's topic is a childhood anecdote. It's supposed to be true....

***Clearing throat***

I'm spilling the beans today. I'm usually a nice person and reasonably well-behaved.

Uh oh. My other persona, Evil Twin, is giving me stink eye. I guess she's not agreeing with my opinion of myself.

I may have some people fooled. Others have taken off their rose-colored spectacles and are seeing a different side of me.

Uh oh. Hubby is starting to get a bit uncomfortable as he reads this post.

There was a time in my life when I feared I was developing into a hard core criminal. You may be surprised to learn that by age 13, I was a hoodlum. Keep reading for details of the shocking chain of events leading to my disgrace.

When I was one, my mother brought me a little brother. What the sibling and what do you mean it's not all about me anymore? I proceeded to become deathly ill in order to be the center of attention once again.

When I was four, I was sure I knew everything. I thought I could beat the laws of physics while playing with my mom and brother on the swing set. I was fussing at my brother when I heard the snap.

OUCH! I broke my leg. My brother laughed. I started thinking evil thoughts and this may have been the birth of the Evil Twin persona.

When I was five, I was tickling other kindergartners in the back seat of a car and I was pushed towards the door. I fell out at the next stop sign.

Things were quiet for awhile although there was an incident in the school library when I was eight. I have been sworn to secrecy on that one, though.

In general, I was a little munchkin with wild hair and buck teeth; thin, but not under-nourished. I wasn't very fast and was seldom able to dodge the ball or the bully. I got bored with the Brownies and Blue Birds after about five minutes.

At age 10, Mom spanked me for being sassy. It was the only whooping I ever received but it obviously damaged me for life.

Uh oh. Evil Twin is rolling her eyes.

Puberty in all its glory showed up early for me. I will spare you the details of WTFs when the Wicked Witch of the Aunt Flo visited at age 11. My BFF at the time was mad at me because she was already 12 and had not been visited.

I got the curse but not the boobies. I had to do something to get attention so I resorted to shameful behavior. That's right. I stuffed my bra and started saying DANG! and GOSH DERN IT! all the time.

I was SO cool! My BFF and I puffed a cigarette my dad through in the grass.

**Coughing**

Next came the braces for my teeth and I was sporting few curves here and there. I kissed a boy after church one day. Mom would have spanked me again had she known.

With the full force of hormones taking over at age 13, that's when it happened. I got into a shouting match with a boy in my class. He got in my face. I shoved him. He kicked me.

We got caught. He went to the boys' principal and got "licks". I had to go talk to the girls' principal but she did not punish me. I reminded her that I saw her outside of school last week kissing another woman.

Oops.

Yes, indeed. It begins. A hoodlum is born.

Tune in some other time to find out how I turned my life around.

Photo: Yeah. that's really me at about age six.

Ringing in Christmas with a Blizzard, Texas Style

White Christmas in Geekville

Thanks to all of you that stopped by and commented on my Christmas Eve post, even if you made fun of my "Toe Sox". Yes, Deb, I wore them outside of the house. I went to the gym, taught my Pilates class, and went to the grocery store where I encountered a pharmacy clerk NOT noticing the joy and magic of Christmas. Then again, maybe she didn't like my socks and flip flops.

**Sighing**

We survived what the weather folks are calling the snowstorm of the century. Yes, it was a white Christmas in north Texas and in other parts of Texas ("out west") where some travelers were stuck on the interstate watching for Santa and his reindeer. The Department of Public Safety closed the freeway Christmas Eve evening because of snow and ice. Don't worry. It re-opened mid-morning on Christmas. I can see these alternate lyrics for Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer in my head:

Grandma froze her arse off in west Texas
On the way to our house Christmas Eve
You can say we don't believe in snowplows
'Cause it only snows like this every century.

All kidding aside. The snow came so fast that there wasn't time to get sanding crews out before the roads were too treacherous for further travel. I'm sure it was a miserable night for the folks that were stranded although there were reports of people helping each other out with food, warmth, and water. I guess there is some magic to Christmas afterall!

The roads in our area of north Texas were bad enough that a normal 35-minute drive Christmas Eve evening took two hours and a normal 20-minute commute to Hubby's mom's house on Christmas Day took an hour. We had to sand our driveway before we could get up to the street. That bag of kitty litter in a bucket in the garage came in handy!

As for gifts, I went overboard on Kitty's gift. Look at his new curly mouse tail:


Yeah, I know it's ribbon attached to a stuffed snowman but I don't think Kitty does. Shhhh.

Besides lumps of coal, Hubby and I were given one of these:


Hum, maybe if we put those together...

Just kidding. We did receive nice gifts and for the most part, our gift recipients enjoyed their gifts. Who would have thought that kiddos don't like nuts in their fudge? Oops. We had a nice time visiting with family and stuffing our faces. The best gift I can receive, though, is for my family and friends to be safe, healthy, and happy. That includes you, my bloggy friends.

For some reason, my clothing is fitting a bit tighter today. I will admit that I have been over-indulging just like the rest of you. Don't try to tell me that you have not been over-doing it. I know you people.

This year isn't over yet. I may have to try out my Christmas gift from Bee, the Rum-Baller 2000, to say farewell to 2009 and ring in 2010. After that, Mr. Piper and I will be having a little talk. But for now, it's time for a nap.

**Yawning**

Photo credits: ReformingGeek with her new Canon PowerShot!

The Twin that Stole Christmas

Evil Twin has kicked a snoozing ReformingGeek (Reffie) and Cat off the cushy, comfy couch. She sits down with the lap beast and starts to respond to a Christmas *meme....

1. Have you started shopping?

Of course. I've bought the gifts for me already.

2. Tell me about one of your special traditions.

The Geeks leave the Christmas tree lights on for Santa Claus all night on Christmas Eve.

3. When do you put up your tree?

Whenever Reffie gets a round tuit. I've noticed that Hubby Geek must have one already as he stepped outside to search for outside decorations.

4. Are you a Black Friday shopper?

No, but I spray painted all the garland black this year. Does that count?

5. Do you travel at Christmas or stay put?

I'm not allowed out of the house.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory?

Laughing at Reffie's attempts to become ONE with the decorating.

7. What is your favorite Christmas movie of all time?
Sybil

8. Do you do your own Christmas baking? What is your favorite Christmas treat?

Reffie does the baking as I'm not allowed in the kitchen after that unfortunate incident a few years ago. I have her make fudge and rum balls for me, though.

9. Fake or real tree?

The Geeks had to downsize to a smaller, fake tree because my toys (various books on mind-control, torture, and how to sell body parts on Ebay, etc.) take over all of the available areas in the den where a tree could be placed. They are disinclined to move furniture.

10. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?

Replacing Reffie's prezzies with lumps of coals, using Reffie to make snow angels, strategically placing whoopie cushions to surprise unsuspecting guests, playing with the kitchen torch near the Christmas tree, etc.

11. What is your favorite Christmas crapft?

Making Voodoo Dolls of Reffie wearing a candy cane ribbon (see sidebar). That silly little dog is listed on Ebay and somebody from Korea is already bidding on him.

12. What is your favorite Christmas song?

Send Reffie Away in a Manger.

Uh oh. Reffie is waking up. Gotta go....


**Yawning** I wonder what all of that was about.

Anyhowsit, I've done a little decorating.

First the decorations must be exhumed:


Yep. They are in the back of the closet under the stairs, with an almost fool-proof system for storage. Hubby made that wooden box that fits exactly in place under the stairs.

I got a few things out:


I love my little Taco Bell dog and I decided to let him catch the eagle this year. We all know it's usually the other way around. Yes, that is Cat sleeping off his exhausting day.

Here is my naked animal....er...naked tree. It takes less than one minute to put it in place:

We have another, larger tree but it was not playing nice during its photo session.

I think that's enough for now. Martha Stewart called. She said she is pursuing legal action against me.

*Meme found over at Blog Ignoramus. Mama-face is having a Christmas give-away. Get there quick because the deadline is Wednesday.

Photo credits: ReformingGeek's furry friends have Christmas: ReformingGeek

Seasonal Introspection

What IS this thing called Christmas? What is the reason for the season? Is it because Jesus, the taco guy, has a birthday?

Oh, sorry. Wrong Jesus. Basically, the birthday celebration was chosen to coincide with other "pagan" celebrations this time of the year. Personally, I think we should celebrate Christmas in March but, surprisingly, I have no phone messages from anyone in authority asking my opinion. As a matter of fact, few people ever ask my opinion. ;-)

ReformingGeek sighs loudly.

It's best to get on with it.

Have you noticed how mainstream Black Friday shopping has become? I have heard of some folks that get almost all of their shopping done on Black Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I've heard folks discussing their strategies. One would think that if this much effort is put into their daily jobs or their daily lives, amazing things could be accomplished.

I find the idea of staying up all night in a line outside the toy store so my child can get that special toy ridiculous. That's just me and I don't have kiddos but there was no way in Hades my parents would have ever done that.

You would never guess the economy is in bad shape based on the number of people I have encountered shopping this week.

Organizing who gets what and how much to spend can be frustrating. Hubby and I buy gifts for his cousin's kids and we were told what NOT to buy before we even got suggestions as to what the kids would like to have. Hum....part of me understands that as the parents have to deal with everything that comes into their home but on the other hand, it seems to miss the spirit of the season.

Finally, I have some hard evidence that there are aliens spying on us. One of their ships obviously landed on this previously inflated decoration:



Notice the strategic placement of this inflated Santa on an airplane. The lighting guided the ships to an open area for landing. They even left us some crop circles.



I think they took my wreath up for experimentation. They did not return it to its expected round shape:


Crazy aliens! I thought we had a deal. I have offered them Cat numerous times.

Wait. Maybe I can get them to help me decorate this weekend.

Photos: ReformingGeek snapped the photos of inflated and deflated Airplane Santas around the neighborhood. Yes, that is ReformingGeek's front door with the wreath from Hubby's company hanging on it.

Injustice Exposed: And the Password Is...

Thanks to all of you that commented on my Veterans Day post. What a great response and shout out for veterans. Now I must look for some funny. I love to laugh but one can only look at so many cute animal pictures and watch so much Big Bang Theory and 2.5 Men and a Baby.

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes.

That's not the name of the show.

I know. I'm trying to make a joke. Would you just laugh already?


Do you ever feel you are on the outside looking for the inside? Are you wanting to know how to fit in or are you figuring out if you even care about finding your niche in life? Everyone else is a member of some special "club" and you are....er....well.....just you.

Well?

This post will answer none of those questions.

As part of the fight against injustice, I've joined forces with Humor Bloggers Dot Com to expose the greatest criminal organizations in the history of our country.

That's right. I've discovered that this country is full of secret societies and they all have some special means of communication that is baffling to the common geek:

1. Country Folk.

When you live in the country, and you encounter a neighbor while driving, you give "the country wave", a full wave if you're a plebe or a slight head nod or finger lift if you're an oldie.
That's right. A secret sign letting everyone know you're part of the club, just like them.

Wait. What club? I'm a little scared. I just watched the pilot of the new (new old show) V and we all now that there are zombies out there.


2. Jeep owners.

Apparently, all jeep owners have to wave or nod to each other while on the road. Hubby says "It's a Jeep thing. You wouldn't understand." Yeah, right. I think he stole that from a bumper sticker. Jeep owners seem to be part of a club that supports the tow truck industry.



3. Shrunken Car Red Hat Society.

Theses are the folks that drive Smart Cars and wear red hats.

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes.

Were they wearing purple with their red hats?

Oh, PU-LEASE! They weren't wearing red hats, OK? I'm just kidding. Let me get on with it, OK?

Anywho, these drivers are out of proportion compared to their cars, appearing as giants in too-small prisons. They look like they should be pushing those things around a Hot Wheels track. Not only do these folks wave or nod, they toot. No, I'm not talking about passing gas. They honk their horns at the other Smart Car drivers.

What the noise? They need to get over themselves before my mid-size SUV runs over them. What club are they in anyway? Some kind of hive? Are these just the scout cars I'm seeing?


4. The Masons

I have no clue. Like I said, it's a secret. I have no idea what these folks do behind closed doors. Maybe they try on women's underwear and take photos for Facebook.

Kidding. Kidding. Please do not throw mason jars at me, OK?

Yeah, I know that was bad.

5. Tree huggers.

Oh, wait. I should know this secret. I like trees and cute little animals and yoga, but I apparently didn't stand in the correct line to get the sign. I don't wear a turban, carry a PETA sign, or go around bowing and saying "Namaste" to everyone I meet.

Oh,well. I'm just a square geek in a round world.

**Sighs**

The injustice of it all.

Photo: The Internets coughed it up when I typed the secret code into the Google.

A Hallowing Halloween Graveyard Visit

Welcome to the Humor Bloggers dot com Halloween Carnival [insert evil laugh here]. Besides being attacked by vampires and zombies this week, I've read some incredibly spooky ghost stories and a few hilarious poems. I'm starting to have nightmares from the poems.

I've got a little something up my sleeve today. Since I will be leaving town on Halloween, I borrowed a watch from *Dumbledore and programmed it to jump forward to next week so I could find out what happens on Halloween night. I somehow landed in a graveyard and this is what I saw:

• Hungry zombies. My Evil Twin fed them Cat. Poor kitty. I shall miss the whining, vacuum-stopping-up beastoid.

• Restless spirits. I'm fairly certain that one of them was Michael Jackson and another may have been my dad, carrying a roll of duct tape.
  

• Fresh graves. As I got a little closer, I noticed a common theme. Maybe you bloggers should be extra careful this week. **Sniff**
  

Oh no! Poor Otin:

Um....that's a little scary. Have you read his stories over at Wizard of Otin? If you go over there, leave the lights on while you read.


Around the corner, I saw this:

DANG! Not Meg from Prefers her Fantasy Life. I loved hearing about her fantasies and I never got a chance to roast her. I'm sure she would have been tasty.


Then I found this one and starting crying:

Uh oh. Poor Quirkster. She was my bestest blogging loon. I shall miss her.

Then I noticed her new neighbor:

YIKES! This is unbelievable. I remember Deb saying she didn't like cats. On the bright side, no more bad hair days up on the Maine coast.


Here's another one. Oh, this is really awful. Poor Mama-face.


PHEW! I'm glad that one was a false alarm. What an odd joke..... Never fear. She is still hard at work over at Blog Ignoramus.

I hope what I've seen doesn't come true. These are really great folks. Maybe it was just the stupid watch. I might have had better luck with the **Doctor's TARDIS!

*Harry and Hermione used the watch in The Prisoner of Azkaban. If you don't know what this is, it's possible that a zombie has already eaten part of your brain or you've been in a coma for the past ten years or you're a normal person... No, that can't be it.

**Doctor Who can time travel in this machine that looks like a British Telephone box. If you don't know what this is, it's possible a zombie has already eaten part of your brain or you have a life and don't watch British television... No, that can't be it.

Check out Humor Bloggers dot com for more Halloween fun this week!

Tombstones courtesy of Evil Twin and tombstonebuilder.com.

A Rant With a Slant

While on vacation in Maine, Hubby and I went shopping. Yes, I know. You don't believe it. It's true. We do that occasionally and Hubby comes with me rather than sleeping on the park bench like some of the other husbands we noticed. The poor sods most likely followed their wives off the ship but really just wanted to sleep off the buffet breakfast. Yeah, like that guy. Really.

As long as we keep the shopping timeframe/threshold/parameters to within a couple of hours, we are OK. Otherwise, we start to morph into shop zombies and start buying refrigerator magnets and plastic wind chimes and think that lobster claw Christmas ornaments would make great gifts. Then we eat fudge and ice cream and swim naked in the Atlantic. Wait. That didn't happen. I promise. We had cinnamon rolls and brownies.

Anyhowsitwhatever, we were in a cute little "natural/alternative" shop and I decided to purchase some locally made jams. Keep in mind this is in a town where there is a cruise ship docked at the harbor. That's right. TOURISTS shop here. I take the jams to the cashier and ask for a bag and packing materials. I hand her my credit card. She starts looking at me like I've sprouted another head and gives my credit card the evil eye and holds onto it for dear life. After I sign the receipt, she compares my signature to the card signature. So people REALLY do that? While she was waiting for the credit card approval, she pulled out one small paper bag and puts my four jars of jam into the one bag. Yes. Really. No padding. No nothing.

I ask again for packing materials. She offered me a couple more small bags. Sheesh! I had to wrap and pack the stuff myself. Folks. I'm an obvious tourist. Did she not get that I have to get this stuff home somehow?

She got under my skin faster than the the last splinter I got from my old wheelbarrow and you don't want to know what I did to that one-wheeled monster. It took some deep breathing to stop me from jumping over that counter. This girl was starting to resemble Anne Boleyn and I was thinking about heads on platters for some reason.

Maybe I was getting hungry?

Later, Hubby reminded me we were in a "natural/alternative" shop with a bunch of tree-huggers. Oh. Right. Now I remember. I believe in taking care of the earth but I'm sure they didn't want blueberry jam all over their store because their Nothing-Between-the-Ears cashier only gave me ONE bag to hold FOUR jars?

Hubby had to help me with the perspectives in this situation. He nicely suggested that I was supposed to have my own canvas bag, like the locals do. Um, OK. Yes, I have those. HERE. IN TEXAS. WHERE I LIVE. No, I don't take them with me on vacation.

Well. Teach ME a lesson. Maybe I should.

That's right. The "bag" can serve multiple purposes while away from home. Not only will it hold multiple jars of jam, it will keep the sun and rain off your face and with those handles, it could possibly be used as a weapon.

Hum...

Photo credits: bagged geek: ReformingGeek self-photo, check flickr.com for more of my inspired self-photos........KIDDING, sleeping off the buffet: troyperkins on flickr.com, Creative Commons license, see sidebar.

Out of THIS World

I don't know what you like to do on Saturday mornings but I enjoy "sleeping in" and some quality time with Hubby. This is where you actually talk to each other instead of being glued to Blogger, Facebook, Sudoku, or Ogle...er...I mean Google. You get the picture.

Saturday mornings are obviously great times for canvassers to stop by. They love our neighborhood. They park their cars on each court and get out and walk up and down stopping at each house. Most of our neighbors don't answer the door as they are older and scared of strangers. Also, a few years ago, some folks got burned by the "hard-luck" magazine sales person that hit our neighborhood. It was really a pathetic pitch. "Poor me. I'm down and out and this job is helping me [fill in the blank]". It was also high-pressure. They just wouldn't leave. Got shotgun?

Usually, though, it's a religious solicitation.

Ding-Dong.

ReformingGeek looks thru window, sighs, and opens door slowly..

Smiling Canvasser (SM): Good Morning! How are you?
ReformingGeek (RG): Um.....fine. You?
ReformingGeek Evil Twin (EvilGeek): OH CRAP!

SM: We are doing AWESOME! Isn't it a beautiful day that our Lord has given us?
RG: Um, yes. It's lovely today.
EvilGeek: Um, yes, and I'm enjoying it working in the garden, vacuuming, cleaning up cat puke, beheading my enemies... You get the picture.

SM: We'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
RG: 'K.
*EvilGeek: Um, yes. I know Jesus. I think he did my roof. He's also Chelle's friend. She talks about his great tacos.
RG: Yes, yes, thank you. I'm a believer. Thanks so much and enjoy this wonderful day.

ReformingGeek quickly closes door and returns to Blogger what Hubby was saying.


*I promise that my evil twin did not say that.

Last Saturday, it was folks passing out pamphlets advertising an "end of the world" discussion. Well, we already know that's going to happen in 2012. My warped brain started thinking about what we could possibly do about this situation and what does "world" really mean anyway?

Maybe we could leave.

I think I'll attend the discussion. Here's the description:

SAYING GOODBYE TO EARTH - FUNDAMENTALS- 10:00 am - 12:00 pm, Zombie room, led by the late Gene Roddenberry.

• Choosing a Universe and Class M planet
• Procuring space on a Galaxy Class vessel
• Preparing for cold storage during the trip
• Choosing what to take with you (e.g. DVD's, books, pets, family members, weapons, favorite junk food, Diet Dr Pepper, etc.)
• What to do if Dr. Smith takes over the ship (how to re-program the robot, etc.)
• What to do if you encounter alien life forms
• Religious guidance (e.g. in case the Mayan calendar is a day or two off and the world disappears before your ship was due to depart)

I'm sure I can get you into this seminar cheap.

Have a great holiday! Be safe.

Photo credits: Lost in Space Robot: drp on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar)

Frugal gardening will rock you

September 11th. A day of remembrance. How can we forget? You probably remember where you were and what you were doing. I was driving to work. I heard the reports on the radio and immediately got chills all over my body. I went to work and was overwhelmed with implementation issues (gotta love IT) as we had just that day implemented a new system. When I had a minute to think, it was hard to stop the tears. We must forgive but we'll never forget.

OK, let's lighten it up around here.

I owe some thanks to somebody for this post. There was a recent post on saving money and it was hilarious. If it was yours, THANKS! If it wasn't and you want to claim it was yours, I probably won't know the difference.

Go green, reduce our carbon footprint, save the earth. Hey, I try to do my part. I can hear you saying: She's just a spotted-owl-loving, save-the-rain-forest, don't-eat-the-animals hippie all ready to tie herself to the next big tree about to be sacrificed for the sake of progress. After all, she's a baby-boomer (remember the barely part), over 40 and into yoga so that must be right. Sorry to disappoint but I'm not quite that bad yet. Here's how I'm doing so far:

1. Electric car? When they are as cheap and effective as the non-electrics and the wheels/engine/chassis have fallen off my current vehicle, we'll talk.
2. Use public transportation? Even more funny. It's practically non-existent around here.
3. Long-life fluorescent bulbs? Of course, where it makes sense.
4. Flush the toilet only once a day? Just kidding, I wouldn't ask anyone to do that.
5. Take my own bags to the grocery store? Sure. Most of the time
6. Thermostat up in summer, down in the winter:? Yeah, but it ain't pretty. Like many couples, hubby is hot-natured. I'm cold-natured. We're screwed on this one.
7. Reduce laptop usage? Oh very funny.
8. Steal gas from other vehicles: What, is your tank lower today than you thought? IT WASN'T ME!
9. Practice frugal gardening by raiding construction trash piles for free stone/rock/boulders? You betcha. Read on.

My neighbor gave me two huge books on frugal gardening (gee, thanks for that, guess I was spending too much) and although there are some helpful hints, I would recommend them only if you are having a particularly bad bout of insomnia. I like to be frugal but some of that stuff....enough said.

Anyway, back to the frugal rock-stealing thing: There are a large number of new homes being built close to where I live and they are using stone for the siding and retaining walls. I was appalled as to what happens to the leftovers. Trash piles. Seriously. I couldn't believe it. Do you know how much that stuff costs? After the house is done and the workers have left, I give the builder some time to come get the extra rock. They rarely do. Then I dress like I'm entering a toxic waste facility and haul all the rock I can into my small SUV energy-efficient rock-hauling vehicle. Multiple times. Yep, I've got lots of nice rock at my place, my mom's place, and at my friend's house (yes, I only have 1 friend). Just kidding. I have at least 4 friends.

Hubby just rolls his eyes and is happy he only has to help with the rocks weighing 100 lbs or more. That's right. My prize is a whopping 250-pound boulder. Sorry, no picture. I just couldn't bring myself to include a photo of a big rock on my blog ;-)

Maybe I'll start selling decorative garden stone on craigslist. If you're into gardening and you need some nice stone, let me know. It will help if you live in North Texas ;-) I think the shipping charges would strip the frugal right out of it.