Blog-Off 2010: Criminal Intent

Thanks again to all of you that voted for me last week. I made it through to Round Two in Blog-Off 2010. I must beg you again to vote for me over at Knucklehead this week. Polls will open as soon as Knucklehead wakes up out there on the west coast and are open thru Wednesday. More information about the contest along with my first entry can be found here.

This week's topic is a childhood anecdote. It's supposed to be true....

***Clearing throat***

I'm spilling the beans today. I'm usually a nice person and reasonably well-behaved.

Uh oh. My other persona, Evil Twin, is giving me stink eye. I guess she's not agreeing with my opinion of myself.

I may have some people fooled. Others have taken off their rose-colored spectacles and are seeing a different side of me.

Uh oh. Hubby is starting to get a bit uncomfortable as he reads this post.

There was a time in my life when I feared I was developing into a hard core criminal. You may be surprised to learn that by age 13, I was a hoodlum. Keep reading for details of the shocking chain of events leading to my disgrace.

When I was one, my mother brought me a little brother. What the sibling and what do you mean it's not all about me anymore? I proceeded to become deathly ill in order to be the center of attention once again.

When I was four, I was sure I knew everything. I thought I could beat the laws of physics while playing with my mom and brother on the swing set. I was fussing at my brother when I heard the snap.

OUCH! I broke my leg. My brother laughed. I started thinking evil thoughts and this may have been the birth of the Evil Twin persona.

When I was five, I was tickling other kindergartners in the back seat of a car and I was pushed towards the door. I fell out at the next stop sign.

Things were quiet for awhile although there was an incident in the school library when I was eight. I have been sworn to secrecy on that one, though.

In general, I was a little munchkin with wild hair and buck teeth; thin, but not under-nourished. I wasn't very fast and was seldom able to dodge the ball or the bully. I got bored with the Brownies and Blue Birds after about five minutes.

At age 10, Mom spanked me for being sassy. It was the only whooping I ever received but it obviously damaged me for life.

Uh oh. Evil Twin is rolling her eyes.

Puberty in all its glory showed up early for me. I will spare you the details of WTFs when the Wicked Witch of the Aunt Flo visited at age 11. My BFF at the time was mad at me because she was already 12 and had not been visited.

I got the curse but not the boobies. I had to do something to get attention so I resorted to shameful behavior. That's right. I stuffed my bra and started saying DANG! and GOSH DERN IT! all the time.

I was SO cool! My BFF and I puffed a cigarette my dad through in the grass.

**Coughing**

Next came the braces for my teeth and I was sporting few curves here and there. I kissed a boy after church one day. Mom would have spanked me again had she known.

With the full force of hormones taking over at age 13, that's when it happened. I got into a shouting match with a boy in my class. He got in my face. I shoved him. He kicked me.

We got caught. He went to the boys' principal and got "licks". I had to go talk to the girls' principal but she did not punish me. I reminded her that I saw her outside of school last week kissing another woman.

Oops.

Yes, indeed. It begins. A hoodlum is born.

Tune in some other time to find out how I turned my life around.

Photo: Yeah. that's really me at about age six.

Blog-Off 2010: Deformation and Melted Snow

Welcome to Blog-Off 2010.

Reffie, what are you talking about?

It's a contest sponsored by The Knucklehead. Each week, you have the opportunity to vote for your favorite post (mine of course) over at his blog and each week the blogger with the fewest votes kicks the bucket is exterminated by Daleks is eliminated from the competition. The last one left standing wins. Be sure to check The Knucklehead's blog for more details and links to other contestants' posts.

Our first topic is a satirical piece about a current event. I struggled over this topic. Should I write about Health Care Deform? Um, no. Not without a bottle handy and I'm not referring to the kind you use to feed babies. As I start thinking about it, though, maybe this "bottle" could be the solution to our problems. Just think, easy access to antiseptic and anesthetic. What more do you need?


I didn't get very far with the Deform Bill so I focused on a different topic: Global Warming.


I've spent the last few weeks pouring over material I've found deep in the innards of Al Gore's Internet. I read through all the complicated calculations and lame postulations and narrowed it down to one simple solution.

You may be surprised to learn that it's not the pollution from our super-sized vehicles or the hairspray this woman needed before her boat ride that's poking a hole in the ozone layer and heating up Mother Earth.

It's flatulence, folks.


That's right. Plain and simple farts. Not only is ripping one unpleasant for those close to you, the heat from the fart raises the temperature in the air. Down here in Texas, we have a created a very large hole in our ozone layer because we love to eat beans. I'm sure you noticed how fast the snow melted down here!

If you have pets, you are a BIG part of the problem.

I submitted my detailed explanation for expert review. Mr. Gore contacted me personally to thank me for my ever-so-obvious solution and Mr. Oprah has flown in for a round of Kumbaya and gun melting around the campfire. Unfortunately, the fire didn't get very warm because he was unable to pry our guns away from us down here in Texas. After a round of smores, he gave me his hard-earned Peace Prize.

It looked like something out of the Cracker Jacks box.

As he left, I heard him whispering to his aids. I think he said "white coats" and "restraints". I'm glad he didn't say "Redcoats". Didn't they attack us at some point? As for the restraints, I'll pass. That sounds a bit kinky.

Yes, 2010 is off to a great start for me. Hubby has suggested a possible modification to my meds. Now I really must get back to my day, right after Cat and I finish our black-eyed peas and go outside to warm the earth.


If you enjoyed this fiery satirical piece, please vote me for over at The Knucklehead. Otherwise, I might be forced to empty that bottle in one big gulp.

What the heck. Just vote for me anyway.

Please and pretty sopapilla please with sugar on it.

Photo credits: Crazy hair: Hurricane Joost, flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Tequila - One of Reffie's prezzies, photo from Mr. Gore's Internet.