Friday, February 27, 2009

Dearest Runner...

We all get these crazy spam emails that say we have won or inherited money but sometimes I get one that I really think is odd. For example, I received an email with the following salutation:
Huh? One of what? Or am I so very, very dear? Or is my name One? Perhaps I'm actually just a cloned version of myself labeled One of 50? If that's so, I'm going to bed and the other 49 "me's" can get to work!

And then there's the Engrish:
I inherited some money ($8.400 Million usdollars ) from my late Husband which I do not want the fund to go in vain since I can not survive from the illness.
What's with the "zero" fetish and "usdollars"? Give me a freakin' break. The entire sentence structure leaves something to be desired.

OK. OK. I'll put down my red correction pen.

In a minute. There's more:
I want you to contact my house girl, Miss Sarah Appiah, her Email is (guilty_person@yahoo... ) Please contact Miss Sarah with any valid driving license or id card, your photo and your telephone numbers to assure her that you shall never cheat or betray her when you have access to this funds.
It's unbelievable that people fall for these things.

This is followed by some more BS and ends with this:
I thank you holy God
Huh? Are you talking to me?

Enough of that. In other news, tomorrow is the Cowtown race in Fort Worth. After a beautiful warm week of over 80 degree temperatures, two cold fronts are slamming us (thanks to you Northern folks for sending them down to us) and it's supposed to be very windy during the race and about 40 degrees. I know that this probably sounds warm to some of you but for me, it sounds ICK!

While you are tucked in your warm beds tomorrow morning, please send me some positive thoughts as I'm attempting to pound the pavement, assuming I actually make it out of bed at O'Dark-Thirty and get my sorry buttinksy to the starting line.

Now what. Has something twisted and unnatural happened to ReformingGeek?

Ohs noz!

I think those are her pants and shoes but her feet are pointed funny and her torso and head appear to be missing.

She also appears to have been flattened.

What do you think happened here?

Um...well, we know ReformingGeek gets a bit silly after drinkies and she gets pre-race jitters, so who knows?

Have a good weekend!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Tagged and Stranded, but Loved

Kirsten over at Soccer Mom Files stranded me on an island and gave me the following sob story involving a retarded genie.

“Your ship has sunk. You have, of course, been stranded on a deserted island. You have salvaged a copy of the King James Version of the Bible and a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. Nothing else."

Oh no. I'm stuck on a deserted island with no Sawyer and no Kiefer. Maybe I should be glad it's not the island from Lost with a life of its own and a creepy ability to move from place to place hindering any rescue attempts. Also, its inhabitants can't ever leave because they are in some sort of twisted, unnatural relationship with this possessed island.

In a sweet, soothing, mellifluous voice, ReformingGeek starts to sing "Welcome to the Hotel California..."

“The very next day you find one of those Arabian Lamps in the sand. Of course, you rub it and, of course, a rather grumpy Genie appears." “‘Let’s get this straight - there is a recession going on. There are restrictions on the three wishes now. I don’t do water or air transport now so no boats, planes or magic carpets. As for electronics, forget it. There isn’t the infrastructure on this island. I can let you have one book and I mean one VOLUME, one essential item and one luxury item. Now hurry up and make your choices, I have to get to those three thousand other islands you are going nominate.’”

So what's with this primping, beefed-up genie and his love for the sun?

Nice flip-flops, though.

Anyhowser, back to the 3 wishes. I guess beggars can't be choosers:

A book? ONE book?

Hum......lucky me. I think I'm going to have to go with the Book of Charms. Duh. Then I can whisk away any demons and other such evil spirits that try to take over me or my island. Hubby said it might help if I'm a witch. Does it count that I've been called one?

Or was that the other "itch" word?

An essential item?

Another genie, of course. There had better be a genie in this here lamp or else the blue guy gets it!

A Luxury item

Ahhhhhh. A massage.


I thought about asking for an eyelash curler but with the humidity, the taming of the wild eyelashes would only last a few seconds, so forget it.

In other news, that sweet cutie-pie Diet-Dr-Pepper-addict Quirky dropped me this "Friends" award that is making me think of cardio exercise and leftover Valentine's Day candy. I'm not sure why. Here is what I was supposed to do with it:
Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who can choose eight more and include this text into the body of their award.

It's time to spread the love, folks. I picked a few of you suckers loyal readers based on absolutely no criteria because, afterall, you are all wonderful. Enjoy "free love" and/or get yourself stranded on the island without Sawyer or Kate (for you guys):

Elizabeth at Elizabeth and her Invisible Chinese Baby
Marvel at The Daily Egg
Bee at Bee's Musings

Have fun!

ReformingGeek thanks Disney for not taking legal action against me for using the photo of the blue guy. I'd also like to thank for kindly allowing me to show a photo of one of its book offerings. Brain fog prevents me from remembering where the heck the lamp photo came from. Finally, I actually have the right to use the massage photo!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Shoot Me on Fat Tuesday

Happy FAT TUESDAY! It's been quite a party around the ReformingGeek household today already. You can see that from the empty bottles and the numerous beads that I somehow earned. Click on the photo if you want to examine the empty tequila bottles!

Hum......not sure how I earned the beads but I'll get back to that in a minute.

You've probably seen the living will that is going around in an email. Here's my version (just in case I'm in some kind of a tequila coma or something):

I, ReformingGeek, being of sound mind and body (Um.....), do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of Doogie Howser lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes (about 5 to 10 minutes) and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate, Margarita
My laptop and blogroll
LOL Cats
Cold Beer
Diet Dr Pepper
Mexican food
My vibrator
Mexican food
My laptop and blogroll
French fries
Quirky's Axe
Glass of Wine
Garden Spade
My laptop and blogroll
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Mexican food
Glass of wine
LOL Cats
My shotgun
Iced Tea (I'm from Texas, Get Over It!)

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, pull the plug, strangle me with the beads, or just shoot me. Life ain't worth living.

Earn you beads today, folks.

Later in the week I'll be taking the podium thanking Quirky and Kirsten for their kind words and bloggy tags and awards. Of course this has to be done with my own insane perspective so consider yourself warned!

ReformingGeek's bead photo was taken by Perspective Cat after he drank most of the tequila. I'm not proud. You can have the photo. No rights reserved. The Scarf Boobies photo was taken by God Knows Who and is currently floating around the Interwebs.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Fridge Frenzy

I opened the spare fridge in the garage and realized that it's no longer a spare fridge. It's a beer cooler. Hubby has decided that he is now a beer snob. You be the judge. Notice there are a couple of bottles of wine and some leftovers but other than that, I feel like a true Texan with all this beer.

But wait. It's not Miller, Bud, or Coor's so maybe not so Texan afterall.

But wait. There's some Shiner Black Lager. We're good.

You're probably wondering when the party will be and when you will receive your invitation.

That may happen at some point as Hubby has one of the milestone birthdays this year. It's such a big milestone that when I made custom calendars for family members this Christmas I made this day a holiday just in case anyone gets distracted with life and forgets his birthday.

Hint: The milestone birthday has a zero in it.

Ok. Ok. It also has a '5' in it.

Let me know if you see some beer you like. I'll make sure to have it on hand for the party. For those of you that don't imbibe, no problem. I've got plenty of Diet Dr Pepper!

Also, I've noticed some craziness with some of the neighbor's kids lately. I put a security camera in the garage and caught one of the little turds in the act. I hid the beer but I think they found it anyway.

Does anyone think this guy looks like Da Old Man?

I sure do. Time travel is a possibility folks. Don't you watch Lost?

Yeah. I know it looks different than my fridge but work with me here. ;-)

ReformingGeek's fridge photo was not taken by a really good photographer. Do with it what you want. No rights reserved. The other fridge photo was borrowed from a recent email and has probably been all over the world by now.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

It's a Bird, It's a Plane....

It's a car. Remember the dream cars post? Apparently, I was wrong about Hubby's dream vehicle. He corrected me and showed me this:

That's right. It's a car plane car-plane Transition. Real clever name, huh? If you are geeky like me and want all the specs, click here. I think it's a bit weird looking and it reminds me of an accordion. But wait. It appears to have a sunroof and looks like a VW Beetle. Hum.....maybe it's not so bad afterall.

Seriously, this things sounds neat but can you imagine the confusion talking to your insurance agent?
You: Yeah. I just bought a new wings.
Agent: Well if it has wings, it's a bird or an airplane and we don't insure either. Call another company that insures airplanes.

You: I just bought a new can drive down a street.
Agent: If you're driving it, it's a car and we don't insure those.
You: Uh.....

I'm excited. It's a 4-hour flight to Santa Fe, New Mexico in one of these things.

I need a loan. Got money?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What's in an e-Name?

Most of us probably have a love/hate relationship with email. It's nice to have a tool to keep in touch with the world but it's so easily abused that we scream in frustration. Sometimes I wonder if we are all typing robots programmed to shut down our brains when we open our email programs.

I've come up with a few names for some of the more popular irritants most of us experience on a daily basis:

  • Eloise, the E-former. This is the person who has to inform all of us with every joke, meme, cool website, video, or chain letter they receive. Sometimes this is done responsibly and THANK YOU to those of you that are screening what you get and intelligently passing on to the appropriate friends and family. For the rest of you, AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AND GET A LIFE! NOW!
  • Ester, E-granny on Steroids: Getting the same email over and over again from the same person, usually an older female relative. this a symptom of dementia? Please, no...... Is this a symptom of dementia? Not remembering what you just did or said (or asked)?

Ethel: Where's the stamp for my email?
Bud: Just Oogle it, Ethel!

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Names.
  • You may have heard of Linky-Love but let me introduce you to Linky-NO-Love: Chain emails. You know the drill. Do this and something wonderful will happen or if you don't do this, something bad will happen. WTF? Don't expect me to forward a chain letter. If it was something sweet, I may say thank you or nothing at all. Please don't take it personally.
  • Tina the Texting Wizard: Tina, and probably most kiddos, use so many abbreviations that you have to consult Urban Dictionary several times to comprehend their emails.
  • E-A-D-D. The person who obviously suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and doesn't read all of the email, missing an important question or request.
  • Last Word Lucy: The person who has trouble finishing an email conversation and must have the last word and maybe it should have been a chat. OK. I'll admit to this.
  • Dissertation Denise: Denise can't get her point across in just a few sentences. She must compose an essay to convey her point. How about a summary at the beginning Denise?

I'm sure there are some others, especially in the workplace. I didn't go there. I'd still be typing.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Cupid's Drunk on Kahlua

OK. It's that day that everything is pink or red for some ungodly reason (oh yeah, HEARTS) and there is something about Cupid but I'm thinking that Cupid is much too young for me as he appears to still be in diapers.

Hubby just told me something else is supposed to happen today but I'm not quite sure what he means.

Oh yeah. I think I was supposed to vacuum today.

No? Well, maybe shoe shopping was on the agenda?

No? Oh. That's right. I'm making his present today. More on that later.

Anyway, since we just celebrated our anniversary 2 weeks ago, we don't have much incentive to celebrate Valentine's Day. But I told Hubby that he will be released from sleeping outside in his jeep if he presents a reasonable gift as no gift or card appeared on our anniversary. In his defense, we just returned from a very nice vacation and we had dinner out with friends so it's not like there was no celebration or that the event was forgotten. On the other hand, we've had discussions about cards. A CARD IS ALWAYS REQUIRED. That's right. ALWAYS!

So Hubby redeemed himself. This morning I found this little guy waiting for me. I think he wanted breakfast but Hubby told me to push his button (the button on his paw, folks!). I did and laughed my head off as this guy sang to me and wiggled his tail. I think this poor little guy's button must be worn out as I had to prop it up for the photo. Hubby also presented a GIANT CARD and it talked to me so I'm feeling very special today.

My gift for him?

Brownies. Not just any brownies.

Kahlua-Cinnamon Brownies.



What did you expect? I had to sample them...

And maybe I'll cook dinner and fall asleep in front of a movie (or reading my own blog post)!

I'll leave you with a little hometown humor. This is very short. Watch out for the lizard.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Amateur Antics - Shower Up!

OK, folks. Do we not know how to shower without the shower area looking like we've had a flood? If you're a guy, you're probably already thinking that showering is like shopping, a necessary evil and you are most likely very confused by all my fussing.

I'm working part-time at a gym right now. Most of you gym junkies, monkeys, and lizards are doing a great job keeping the place presentable but some of you leave something to be desired. You have become blog fodder and I thank you for the material for today's post.

I have seen the showers after you have been in them and I am not amused. So, guys, after you've finished, do you gather in the middle of the floor for a chat or what? The entire area in front of the showers is dripping wet. And guys, I'm a lady (no, really) and I don't like going in your locker room to tidy-up when I don't know if you're in there dangling around uncovered. Not that I'm a prude but I get my kicks from......

What, did you think I was going to tell you?

So here it is. How to Take a Shower. Listen Up! Ladies, you too.

1. Undress at your locker. Wrap a towel around the areas that are supposed to be covered please.

Your sweaty clothes go in the locker or in your bag. NOT ON THE FLOOR!
Your bag goes on the floor under a bench or somewhere else out of the way. We have limited space folks. Be courteous!

2. Walk directly to the shower. Do not pass go (or gas). Do not collect gossip on the way.

3. While in the showering area, place your towel on the rack or on a stool. Get in the shower and close the curtain - all the way.

4. Turn on the water. Get in (I don't care if the water is still cold). Take care of the cleaning business quickly using soap sparingly. After all, we need to be a greener society right and I don't want to be filling your soap dispenser every day, OK?

5. Turn off the water and towel off in the shower. Step out of the shower on your hand/sweat towel. Complete the drying off process.

6. Clean the shower with the provided squeegee.

No, not really. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

7. Stay covered while you finish grooming yourself.

8. Get dressed and get the HECK out of MY gym, placing your used towels in the bin.

Just kidding. I know it's YOUR gym. I just couldn't resist.

And, another thing. Don't ever be rude to the poor sod at the front desk (that's me) who is making sure you have an effing towel for your shower or I WILL SPIT ON YOUR SPIN BIKE ! ! !

Do you think I'm kidding? ;-)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Vehicular Virginity and Pipe Dreams

I can see spring as the light at the end of the long, cold tunnel although Hubby just told me that it's only the reflection of the landing beacons from the black helicopters circling our house.


With spring comes my birthday and although I don't really enjoy adding one to my current age, the not so good. Anyway, when I think of my birthday, I remember getting my driver's license at age 16 and that made me think of my first car. (Yeah, my brain takes these wild, weird jumps.)

That's right. There's nothing like that first car that is all yours (complete with you having to pay for gas!) When I graduated from high school, my parents got me a 1980 Subaru with the lousiest A/C ever invented (what, it doesn't get hot in Japan?) It was cute and blue and I really loved it but I thought I was going to die every summer.

Actually, Mom would have preferred that I drive around in this:

I'm sure she tried to find one but became disillusioned at the pricing and availability and she probably would have freaked out if I told her I really did want to drive one.

So what was your first car?

Hubby's first car was something like this (thank you, Wiki, for the photo):

But it probably felt more like this:

If I had a kid, he/she would probably get this and the child would call me a STUPID DUMBASS TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE MOM STUPID DUMBASS for the rest of its life:

Back in high school, rich kids had something similar to this:

Yeah, baby. Now we're talking. I'm thinking why in the heck did I not date the guys driving Porsches?

Enough of that. What's your dream car?

I've always been fascinated with Herbie. What a cute little bug. And the driver....well...Hubby told me NOT to dye my hair that color.

Ah shucks. I kind of like it.

Hubby's mid-life crises dream car:

Hubby seemed confused as to why there are strangers in his car. I offered to replace the driver with his face and the front-seat passenger with a blow-up doll, but he gave me The Look. Oh well. He had his chance at fame but he turned it down.

Hubby's real mid-life crises

So that's what it looks like. It is often seen from this perspective:

And, finally, Perspective Cat's dream car:

WTF? I'm speechless. That is so Not Happening.

There is no space in the garage.

Cheshire cat photo courtesy of talljoe on flickr under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial license. Porsche, SmartCar and Volvo c70 photos were "borrowed" from car sales websites. Remaining photos are the property of ReformingGeek. Please do not use without permission.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Caption Contest - Winner Announced!

Today is the day. The winner of the caption contest will be announced.....but not just yet. I have to tell you my life story.

Just kidding. I will say that I was a bit scared that I might not be able to post this as our Internet Service Provider's DNS server decided to commit harry-karry Sunday afternoon. My service was sketchy at best.

"Hello. My name is ReformingGeek and I'm a Blogaholic."

"Hi ReformingGeek", echoes the crowd.

Fast forward a few hours and several glasses of wine I'm breathing a sigh of relief. Our service revived itself and I'm back in business.

First, I found this budding daffodil in my front yard. It made me smile so I had to share it.

Also, remember that I fired Perspective Cat as a judge. He ate too many of the entries from the last contest and I kept having to rewrite them and put them back in the hat. I tried to enlist Real Cat to pitch in and judge this time but he was banished outside after presenting me with a huge squirrel that some other beast probably killed. I know better to think that fat old Real Cat could actually catch and kill a squirrel at this point in his life. Real Cat proceeded to feast on the squirrel right in front of my bay window. DISGUSTING!!

So I begged Hubby and my SIL to help me judge. It was incredibly tough as there was so many great entries. Keep in mind that Hubby and SIL are also geeks. I don't know how the winner will take that......

Anyway, without further ado, First Place goes to Machinist with this caption:

The Boxer Rebellion staggered to a halt for lack of vision
and a sense of direction. (and better vision slits)

Marvel Goose is awarded Second Place with this caption:

The executive team at Dilbert's company made two major decision at this year's Outdoor Retreat:
Fire the stupid events planner who hired the stupid program facilitator who put us all in these stupid boxes.
Make sure the next stupid events planner has larger breasts.

Bill M., Nooter, Deb, and Bee also received votes from the judges.

You guys did an awesome job. It was very hard to pick the winner.

Machinist, please email at dot com and I'll send you your prize! Congrats!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Caption Contest - Last Chance for Maui Souvenir Prize!

OK, folks. Here it is. It's what you've been waiting for.

That's right. The fabulous final souvenir give-away from my trip to Maui!

So what is it you may ask?

It's a quilted coin purse. It has many uses. It can certainly be used to hold coins or as a wallet full of your maxed-out credit cards. It's small so it won't hold the kitchen sink or all those dumb "club cards" that you get just about everywhere you shop (especially if you already have it full of everything else). But it might provide a home for pieces and parts of various toys your kiddos may have and easily lose or a small handgun.

A few more ideas: doggie treats, your prescription meds, ciggies, maryjane (maybe Phelps will play the contest).

I know. I'm getting carried away again.

Guys, it's pretty you like pretty, great! If not, maybe your sweetheart, mom, or granny would enjoy it! After all, the designed-by-Hallmark-Holiday Valentine's Day is right around the corner.

But wait. There's more. It's also a tissue holder. The secret compartment in the back will hold a small package of Kleenex. Great for weddings and funerals!

Sorry. Let me try again.

Great for snotty children and when you have cold or flu symptoms.

No? Still not very pleasant?

Great for those moments when someone just told you have a dangling booger.

OK. Enough.

So how do you win this fabulous prize?

All you have to do is provide the winning caption for this photo and Monday I will post the winner. In the meantime, I will be assembling an unbiased judging committee of unsuspecting friends and family. I fired Perspective Cat. He kept eating the entries for the last contest!

Your caption here

Good Luck!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My Interview and My Two Cents!

Quirkyloon, one of the super-duper humor bloggers and the sweetest girl I know out of Mesa, AZ (Yeah, I know. She's the only girl I know in Mesa), interviewed me and wrote this post with my answers. But, hey, I'll take an easy way to create part of a blog post (I'm not proud) so here it is:

The first thing I thought when I opened my eyes this morning was ___________.
I woke up. I get another chance to be funny of course!

What do you like on your pizza?
Let's fold that sucker up and make it a calzone loaded with mushrooms!

I want to be reincarnated as a ________________ so I can _____________.
Let's see. In my last life, I must have been a turtle as it prepared me to be a slow, determined runner in this life. Next time, well, um, I wouldn't mind being Wonder Woman.

Would you prefer to have $10 million dollars right now or $1 million a year for 10 years? Why?
Give me the million every year. That way if I blow it, I know I have another million coming next year. If you give me the $10 million up front and I make a bad decision.......OOPS!

What do you want right now (last Saturday)?
Besides World Peace and Group Hugs and Rainbows and Puppies? Well......I'll take a nice dinner with Hubby (it's our anniversary) and some friends. Wish you were here, Quirky!

When I turn 50, I plan to be _____________.
Uh....50? That's way too close to have to "be" blank. Oh....I get it. Think of something for the _______. Um....I think I need a little more time. When I'm 60, I want to be retired living in paradise.

Do you like your hair? Is it straight and sleek? Wild and unruly?
My hair has a natural wave which frizzes easily. I'm always trying to tone it down which disappoints my mom who claims I used to have such pretty curly hair........Thanks, Mom.

Use three words to describe yourself.
Only 3 words? That can't be done. One Sleeve Short of a Straight Jacket on good days.

David Letterman or Jay Leno?
I'm going to have to go for David but Jay has more hair I'm gonna have to stick with David.

True or False: It's okay to pass gas in public?
Yes. Absolutely. Did I mention I like beans, onions, and garlic? Seriously, if you're alone, go for it, and make sure you're going to be alone for awhile after it oozes out. Otherwise, run for the potty, please, and wait there until the smell is out of your clothes!
I really confused myself on that last one. Just beware if you're around me after I have had a large serving of Pinto beans loaded with onions, garlic, and cilantro. If I could figure out a way to use ass gas as energy, I'd be rich.

Quirkyloon came up with some great questions, didn't she? Believe it or not, I don't think I lied on any of the answers. Of course I would never lie.

Maybe just little tiny ones like whether or not I really have any tattoos.

In other news:

Awhile back I mentioned I would be working a part-time gig in February. I won't bore you with the details of the work I'll be doing but let's say it should be slow enough at times that I will be catching up on my reading, taking cat naps, writing blog posts, improving my Sudoku skills and maybe even looking for a real job.

A real job you say?

Yeah, right.

I went in today to fill out paperwork and get this, they take a mandatory 7.5% out of your part-time salary for an investment alternative to FICA and they still take out for Social Security. I can see how this is going to go.

Hubby: First paycheck, huh?
Me: Yeah. Here it is.
Hubby: Where is the amount?
Me: I think it is in the debit column. Somehow I owe them money.

Or at least that's they way it seems to me.

My two cents on some recent events:
  • Oprah's Birthday - Who?
  • In Austin, Hackers Change Sign to Warn of Zombies Ahead - I like it! What a great way to describe some of us Texans!
  • Mike Phelps Admits to Smoking Pot - OK; could be worse. It's your business but can't you do that behind closed doors?

Tune in Thursday for a caption contest. Win the remaining souvenir from my trip to Maui (assuming the cat doesn't puke on it or I have to sell it to buy shoes).

And, get this? I'm not asking for votes on Can you believe it? It appears that the site has been up and down since the weekend and the javascript inside my template linking to the site was causing my blog to load very slowly waiting for the site to time out or explode or whatever sites do when they die, so enough already. Goodbye. Maybe it will come back later. Maybe not.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

22 years

Hubby and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary Saturday.

Him: You left me an empty toilet paper roll.
The roll had 2 sheets left. We shouldn't be wasteful Sweetie.

Him: You're right, Dear. What's a bit of unwiped poop when I've got the best wife ever!

So, 22 years married to the same guy? Are you Ward and June Cleaver? June would always make sure there was a full roll of butt wiping paper for Ward when he needs to "read a magazine". June always had dinner on the table and she was all clean and fresh before Ward arrived home. Wally and The Beaver and their cat were well-behaved.....

Very funny. Definitely. Not. Happening.

Now, back to the post. Here's a few more perspectives:
Her: "Yes, Dear" goes a long way.
Him: Lots of compromise is needed.
Her: Um....

Her: Tease each other regularly about who will have to take the cat in case of a split up.
Him: You will take the cat.

Her: Shoe shopping is encouraged as it is therapeutic.
Him: Beer tasting is encouraged as it is therapeutic.

Him: Don't make fun of the movie I'm watching by uttering "Frodo, Frodo, we are not in Kansas anymore."
Her: Ah....but it's funny and you take it so seriously ;-)

Her: Avoid overly detailed descriptions of the "really cool" Assembler or "C" programming algorithms you encountered at work today. (If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably a geek like me.)
Him: Try not to bore me to tears with talk of your online buddies and crazy blog posts.

Her: Consume copious amounts of wine and margaritas.
Him: Consume copious amounts of beer, wine, and margaritas.
Her: Hum....why does he need more alcohol than me?

Limit conversations about the hot babe you encountered at the gym or the latest hottie at the office. But if you must go on and on about the hottie, soothe any possible hurt feelings with kind words about my appearance. Telling me how great I look after running or first thing in the morning or even thanking me for showering today all go a long way.

Him: Reassure me that my butt isn't big and I have nice pecs. Don't drool when Sawyer appears without a shirt on LOST.

No extraneous baggage in the bedroom.
Him: So Catherine Zeta-Jones isn't coming over?
Her: Actually, this means the cat doesn't sleep with us. Can Kiefer come over?

Her: Rescue me when I'm the damsel in distress.
Him: OK, but only if you learn the names of my power tools and call them by the correct name when I'm using them.

I want a corvette for my mid-life crises.
Her: I want a pool boy.

I'm no expert on marriage but here's a few things that are really important:

Agree on how the money will be managed (assuming there is any).
Him: Here's the money. You manage it.
Her: Cool.

Develop your own hobbies but spend time together doing things you both enjoy.
Him: I'm taking up skydiving.
Her: Bye. WHOA! Hang on. Let me check your life insurance policy....OK. We're good. Have fun, Sweetie.

Find a balance between your career and your family.
Her: So I guess this means that my secret life as a spy will have to take a a back seat to being a housewife and part-time fitness professional. "Sorry, dear. Dinner will be late tonight as I'm fighting terrorism in some crazy, screwed-up country overseas so that they won't come here and blow us up."
Him: My wife constantly rains on my dream parade about being able to collect a big fat paycheck without having to work.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Support each other during the big stuff.
Her: I got laid off.
I'm sorry, Hon, but your job sucked. How much severance did you say you're getting?

It's been good. I'll keep him. Besides, it's just too hard to replace him.

Smiley votes are also keepers and they are appreciated.

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"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"