Sunday, January 3, 2010

Blog-Off 2010: Deformation and Melted Snow

Welcome to Blog-Off 2010.

Reffie, what are you talking about?

It's a contest sponsored by The Knucklehead. Each week, you have the opportunity to vote for your favorite post (mine of course) over at his blog and each week the blogger with the fewest votes kicks the bucket is exterminated by Daleks is eliminated from the competition. The last one left standing wins. Be sure to check The Knucklehead's blog for more details and links to other contestants' posts.

Our first topic is a satirical piece about a current event. I struggled over this topic. Should I write about Health Care Deform? Um, no. Not without a bottle handy and I'm not referring to the kind you use to feed babies. As I start thinking about it, though, maybe this "bottle" could be the solution to our problems. Just think, easy access to antiseptic and anesthetic. What more do you need?


I didn't get very far with the Deform Bill so I focused on a different topic: Global Warming.


I've spent the last few weeks pouring over material I've found deep in the innards of Al Gore's Internet. I read through all the complicated calculations and lame postulations and narrowed it down to one simple solution.

You may be surprised to learn that it's not the pollution from our super-sized vehicles or the hairspray this woman needed before her boat ride that's poking a hole in the ozone layer and heating up Mother Earth.

It's flatulence, folks.


That's right. Plain and simple farts.
Not only is ripping one unpleasant for those close to you, the heat from the fart raises the temperature in the air. Down here in Texas, we have a created a very large hole in our ozone layer because we love to eat beans. I'm sure you noticed how fast the snow melted down here!

If you have pets, you are a BIG part of the problem.

I submitted my detailed explanation for expert review. Mr. Gore contacted me personally to thank me for my ever-so-obvious solution and Mr. Oprah has flown in for a round of Kumbaya and gun melting around the campfire. Unfortunately, the fire didn't get very warm because he was unable to pry our guns away from us down here in Texas. After a round of smores, he gave me his hard-earned Peace Prize.

It looked like something out of the Cracker Jacks box.

As he left, I heard him whispering to his aids. I think he said "white coats" and "restraints". I'm glad he didn't say "Redcoats". Didn't they attack us at some point? As for the restraints, I'll pass. That sounds a bit kinky.

Yes, 2010 is off to a great start for me. Hubby has suggested a possible modification to my meds. Now I really must get back to my day, right after Cat and I finish our black-eyed peas and go outside to warm the earth.


If you enjoyed this fiery satirical piece, please vote me for over at The Knucklehead. Otherwise, I might be forced to empty that bottle in one big gulp.

What the heck. Just vote for me anyway.

Please and pretty sopapilla please with sugar on it.

Photo credits: Crazy hair: Hurricane Joost, flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Tequila - One of Reffie's prezzies, photo from Mr. Gore's Internet.

36 comments:

Me-Me King said...

I knew it, I just knew it. Your weeks of research has paid off. You have hit upon the problem which has plagued scientists for years. Good for you!

You've got my vote!

Quirkyloon said...

*fart*

Excuse me.

*fart*

I seem to have a problem this morning.

*fart*

But I still thoroughly enjoyed your post GF!

*fart*

You got some Febreeze around here. You might need some.

*fart*

Whew! I am outta here!

*faaaaaaaaaaarrrrrt*

mama-face said...

Numero uno...good for you for being brave enough to enter a contest where you could be eliminated. It won't be because of me though...

Secondly...yea for me, I don't have to feel guilty anymore for my over usage of hairspray. phew.

And last but not least...Mr Oprah and Kumbaya...bahahaha. Your meds are just right.

:)

otin said...

LOL! I know that my farts can change the temperature of my living room! hahaha!

Sorry I can't give you a vote!

CatLadyLarew said...

Making some nutritious, warming bean soup today... that should help contribute to global warming in more ways than one. Hope the Wonder Dog doesn't want to lick the pan.

ReformingGeek said...

@Me-me - Thanks! It was so simple!

@Quirky - If you hear and smell it, it must be Quirky! At least it's warm around here right now.

@mama-face - Thanks. I'm so glad I don't have to change my meds and I really need your vote.

Maybe Mr. Oprah will vote for me.

@otin - Um, you can't vote for me? I'm crushed.

Deb said...

I put a cork up NutJob's butt so she can do her part to help curb global warming. Yeah, she walks funny and her eyes are bulging a little, but otherwise she seems fine. Good luck - you got my vote!

Maureen said...

OMG.... okay, okay, enough with the farts!

I'll go over and vote for you.

Gad, I need to breathe some fresh air anyway. Quick.

ReformingGeek said...

@CatLady - YUM! Bean soup. Yeah, Baby!

@Deb - Thanks. Poor Nutjob. Just let'm rip, Deb. It will be OK. It sounds like you need more hot air up there anyway.

@Maureen - Thanks. Yeah. You might want to open a window.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

This post stunk. But that's good, right? ;)

Beth said...

So, could Beano be a part of the global warming solution?

ReformingGeek said...

@MikeWJ - If you need some heat, it's a good thing. Peeeeuuuuuu!

@Beth - Shhhhh. Yes, but keep it between us, 'K?

Nooter said...

hmmm, that peace-a prize sounds good. i like mine with pepproni and lotsa cheese. also, do you know if quirkyloon is available for parties?

Jenn Thorson said...

So if your data is correct, then the campfire "Beans" scene in Blazing Saddles may have single-handedly caused the polar ice caps to melt!

"Leave us alone, Mel Brooks!" :)

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Good work, Reffie! Good luck with the voting.

dana said...

I've got the solution!!! I'll stop using the exhaust vent in the bathroom. Then when it gets THICK in there, I'll threaten to open the bathroom door and create a black hole in the universe, unless the EPA gives me $1,000,000.

ReformingGeek said...

@Nooter - Pisa you say? With lots of cheese? 'K. Coming right up.

That would be a great way for the Loon to make some extra bucks: farting at parties!

@Jenn - Absolutely, and very musical, too.

@Knucklehead - Thanks. I will need luck with the voting or a way to cheat the system. ;-)

@dana - I should have known you would find the path to extortion.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Re: "a possible modification to my meds": Um, no, you definitely need modification on your meds. I'm surprised someone hasn't already told you that. No? Well, let me be the first then. :)

Brian Miller said...

there is a big hole in the ozone that keeps following me around...

Jean Knee said...

I think, in particular, it's cow farts that are the most abundant and do the most damage.


Father Al Gore never farts.

ever

ReformingGeek said...

@Unfinished Riddler - Hey! Speak for yourself! ;-)

@Brian - See. You're part of the problem.

@Jean - Moo.

Paul Wynn said...

I don't really like to take showers so this works for me =P

Bee said...

I think the old ladies I work with are responsible 75% of the problem. They have no shame!

ReformingGeek said...

@Paul - It's great that you're sacrificing your hot shower for the rest of us!

@Bee - Oh, ick! My mom worked with someone who would go outside to fart but would come back in with the smell in his clothes. EEEWWWW!

Leeuna said...

Ewwww. What's that smell in here??!! Just kidding. Your fart post was hilarious and I'm sure it'll keep you in the competition this week. Great job!

VE said...

I suggest a solution. Fart kiosks right next to the ATMs. You fart in them and then the fart is vacuum sent to a central facility that is then rocketed out of our atmosphere. Problem solved!

I will now go over and vote for ya...

Imgaine if I'd entered that competition!

ReformingGeek said...

@Leeuna - Thanks. I would like to play again. We'll see how it goes.

@VE - Thanks, VE, and there's no telling what would have happened had you played with us in Blog-off.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nonamedufus said...

Where we are in Canada we fart all winter long to keep warm. Saves a bundle on the heating bills. In the summer we fart in the pool. Keeps it warm and we don't need one of those fancy jet-powered hot tubs. So you see it's a wind-wind situation here. Good luck in the Blog-Off!

The Constant Complainer said...

I'm surprised that states like CA and TX haven't banned farts by now.

The Constant Complainer said...

And I am going to check out the voting situation as we speak. If I can still vote, I will. I am reading one of his posts right now talking about the elimations. Are you still in I gather?

Anonymous said...

You have to express more your opinion to attract more readers, because just a video or plain text without any personal approach is not that valuable. But it is just form my point of view

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Anonymous said...

I am not going to be original this time, so all I am going to say that your blog rocks, sad that I don't have suck a writing skills

Anonymous said...

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"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"