Monday, January 25, 2010

Let it Go with a Rant

Do you ever have one of those moments hours days weeks years.... Wait. Does your LIFE feel like you are detached but in the wrong way? The world is turning, people are following along, but you're hearing some other drummer and you're still off beat?

That's me. It's time for me to let go of a few recent irritations.

**Entering rant mode**

Is everyone on the road operating in slow motion or am I the only one with ALL SYSTEMS GO? Yeah, people, move it along. Yes, at least somewhere close to the speed limit. Can you do that for me today? Pretty please with sugar sopapilla with honey on it?

Dear Brain,
Where were you when I sent Hubby to the store to get mozzarella cheese for the lasagna only to leave it out?
Signed,
Fogged-Over Geek


Dear Laptop Battery,
What the flying flip do you mean "Battery Power Depleted" and then showing me a black screen followed by a cease and desist of all whirring? I am feeding you power. Yes, it's plugged in and the outlet is functioning.
Signed,
Geek Making Do Using Hubby's Computer

Dear Elderly Lady Behind Me at the Grocery Check-Out Line,
I'M NOT DONE YET. The mentally-challenged bagger is still bagging (yes, horribly, but he IS bagging). I'm still paying and I'm waiting on Hubby to return from the bread aisle, unharmed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and with an unholy loaf of bread. You can move your buggy back a little bit, K?

Please wipe that silly smile off your face. You look a bit like a clown and I'm not very fond of clowns.
Signed,
Crowded Geek


Dear Maintenance Guy with Plumber's Crack and Staff Member Accompanying You at the Gym,
The room is dark and full of ladies trying to wind their bodies into pretzels. I am instructing these ladies into a complicated yoga pose. Must you walk in and begin discussing potential punching bag repairs? Must you ignore me when I tolerate your conversation for awhile and then ask you to take it outside? I did say please.

One of you apologized and left but YOU proceeded to walk thru my class and survey the punching bag. OK. At least you shut up. Thanks for that.
Signed,
Intolerant Geek


Oh yeah. To the moron that stole the hair dryer from the gym: It's your fault that my hair looks like this today:


Dear Swifter Mop,
You are a smelly turd! You broke as I was just getting started. Yes, I know you are plastic and have lasted umpteen years but I'm in no mood to hear your excuses!

Signed,
ReformingGeek's Knees


Ok. Ok. Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly. One more time. Let. It. Go.

Ah, forget it.

CAT, QUIT PUTTING YOUR DEAD BIRDS IN THE EXTRACTOR AND BRING ME SOME CHOCOLATE!

Sigh.

Photo credit: hair: pindec on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

37 comments:

Debbie(singlemom;complicatedworld) said...

hee hee!! you covered all my rants and more..so I feel much better!!:)

Brian Miller said...

lol. i used to have one of those laptop batteries, i think i smashed it. deep breathes now...

Deb said...

Hey Cousin It, the hair looks great! That same old lady in the grocery store lives here, but younger. She insisted on putting her things on the belt as I was still putting my things on the belt. I kept pushing her things back so I could fit my stuff on there. When she was done she came RIGHTNEXTTOME and was reading the screen as my groceries were being scanned. I turned and looked at her until she looked at me. She was horrified. Apparently I had been in Invisible Mode 'cause she would not stop apologizing for her rudeness. Do you think those two would fit in the Extractor? Can we find out?

mama-face said...

Nope. I am always calm, cool, and collected. You need a chill pill girl.

bwahahaha. I would KILL for that hair.

GregoryJ said...

good rants. thank you.

grocery lines have so much fodder. we should write a book.

AmyLK said...

I always feel better after a good rant!

Leeuna said...

Poor Reffie! So sorry you're having a bad time of it. (Love the hair style BTW.) Hang in there, it's bound to get better.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

love the hairdo

Me-Me King said...

Okay, you hit on something that absolutely drives me bananas - the old lady behind you in line at the grocery store. Arrrggghhh! Why in the hell do they let someone so old out to mingle with the public? Imagine if she were behind you at a stop light. It makes me want to carry my paintball gun and USE it!!!

I'm not fond of clowns either.

CatLadyLarew said...

Ah... I can see it's been one of those days! Kick back with some chocolate! It'll all be over soon!

Quirkyloon said...

I, too, hate the pushy old broads behind me in the grocery check out lanes.

Argh!

I think you need DDP and make it a double!

*ruff*

Lauren said...

Please add trying to get in touch with a warm body (even a cold one) at the unemployment office to your rant list. By 5 p.m. my brain was melting, or were those my tears? Thanks for the much needed comic relief.

Collette said...

I had the old lady's brother behind me in CVS the other day. Nothing like someone breathing down your neck while you're trying to pay. Ewww! Maybe I should've asked him if he was just eager to pay for my purchase. I may just use that line next time. And I KNOW there will be a next time!

UberGrumpy said...

:)

Great photo

In the UK we call 'plumber's crack' a 'Dagenham Cleavage', Dagenham being a place where they (used to) make cars

ReformingGeek said...

@Debbie - My pleasure. I'm glad you feel better. So do I.

@Brian - Sometimes I have to do a lot of deep breathing!

@Deb - I've told you not to shop with your Invisibility Cape. Your story wins. I'm enlarging the Extractor. There is obviously a need.

@mama-face - Please send your chill pills.

@Gregory - Thanks. Yes, anything "grocery" makes great fodder.

@Amy - Absolutely.

ReformingGeek said...

@Leeuna - Thanks. **Breathing in and out slowly.**

@Queen-size - Thanks!

@Me-Me - She really did look like a clown.

@CatLady - Chocolate, wine, a live laptop: these things would help!

@Quirky - Yeah, sometimes I just get tired of being pushed around.

@Lauren - Thanks. I'm sorry you couldn't get a live one. ;-)

@Collette - I liked your idea for a response!

@UberGrumpy - Thanks. I bet you say it "dag'm". ;-)

Skye said...

Ok, this just made me think of some blog fodder for a new post. I just wrote the whole thing as a comment here, but I decided to put it into my blog instead. Thanks for the fodder and the chance to rant even if I didn't actually end up leaving my rant here...lol.

Jean Knee said...

I hate those fucktards, especially the elderly ones, who try to get an inch behind you at the grocers and shit, you can't make the process go any faster so just back the fuck up


I do feel better, thanks for the rant

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Sucky days suck. Hope today's better for you. One of my biggest pet peeves are people who think they can crowd you in the grocery line. Like there's a fire alighting their butts, and you're invisible. I'd punch her in the throat if I were you.

ReformingGeek said...

@Skye - You're welcome. I hope to read that post soon!

@Jean - Yeah, what IT IS with people?

@Mary - I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'll work on my right hook.

Marissa said...

I KNOW what you mean about the grocery line. I can't take it anymore! Where's The Constant Complainer when we need him??

K a b l o o e y said...

Great ranting. But you stumbled onto something: cheese-free diet lasagna. Better than the Taco Bell Diet, right, Me-Me? I have supermarket sympathy for cashiers because I used to be one, but I still tend to get pissed off and have whole "I should have said" conversations in my head at the market.

ReformingGeek said...

Marissa - It's so good to rant sometimes!

@Kablooey - Thanks. I remembered the cheese after the layering so I put about 1/2 the suggested amount on top. It tasted fine.

kathcom said...

I'm right there with you on these rants, especially the elderly lady one. They always seem to think I'm invisible. I had one who banged my legs with her cart so many times that I turned around and said, "Do that. One. More. Time." Thank God she didn't--what was I going to do to a little old lady?

PS--You teach yoga? You are way cooler and together than I could ever be.

Bee said...

I feel like I've been living in a fog for all of 2010 and most of 2009. Lucky for me, I still have my hairdryer! ;o)

ReformingGeek said...

@kathcom - Thanks. What is with old ladies? Sheesh!

@Bee - I'm glad we won't be seeing pictures of your beehive.

The Old Silly said...

Keep breathing. Deeply, steadily, there ya go ... you'll get through this. (wink)

UberGrumpy said...

Dag'm!

Touche. You are truly remarkable

VE said...

Fire the swifter mop...from that picture it looks like you've got that covered! ;)

The Constant Complainer said...

Deb, that "Cousin It" comment made me laugh out loud.

Oh wait, my battery is dyin

The Constant Complainer said...

Just kidding.

RG, my favorite posts of yours are when you rant!

honeypiehorse said...

You know NOTHING about impatient old ladies until you live in Germany, baby!

ReformingGeek said...

@UberGrumpy - Thanks! ;-)

@VE - I tried to use my head but I kept falling over.

@Constant - Thanks. Eddie Monster.

@Honeypie - If I shop in Germany, I'm wearing Kevlar.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Most of my life, I've felt like I was born on another planet and don't belong here. People drive too slow, they're stupid and things always seem out of place -- when they're not just broken, of course. Perhaps you are from the planet Jor-El in the Sygonia constellation also? ;)

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I took my neices to the rodeo here about two weeks ago. It was fun. This weekend, however, it looks like I'm Bourne again. I'm watching it right now, in fact. Have a good one, and sorry about your computer.

Jean Knee said...

"I'm thinking of having it stuffed and mounted."

that's what she said

JD said...

Dead birds in the extractor - Oh my lord. I think our respective felines need to meet. Er, on second thought, for the love of humanity and everything holey, maybe they don't. Her latest thing is tearing holes in everything in creation and using them as potential hiding/ambush spots. The other day, she was just...gone. I searched for her everywhere to no avail. Finally after nearly entering panic mode, I discovered that she tore a massive kitty-sized hole in the side of my box spring mattress (I kid you not) and was hunkered up inside there laughing at me.

*sigh* Felines. Gotta love em!


"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"