Thursday, July 2, 2009

Out of THIS World

I don't know what you like to do on Saturday mornings but I enjoy "sleeping in" and some quality time with Hubby. This is where you actually talk to each other instead of being glued to Blogger, Facebook, Sudoku, or mean Google. You get the picture.

Saturday mornings are obviously great times for canvassers to stop by. They love our neighborhood. They park their cars on each court and get out and walk up and down stopping at each house. Most of our neighbors don't answer the door as they are older and scared of strangers. Also, a few years ago, some folks got burned by the "hard-luck" magazine sales person that hit our neighborhood. It was really a pathetic pitch. "Poor me. I'm down and out and this job is helping me [fill in the blank]". It was also high-pressure. They just wouldn't leave. Got shotgun?

Usually, though, it's a religious solicitation.


ReformingGeek looks thru window, sighs, and opens door slowly..

Smiling Canvasser (SM): Good Morning! How are you?
ReformingGeek (RG): Um.....fine. You?
ReformingGeek Evil Twin (EvilGeek): OH CRAP!

SM: We are doing AWESOME! Isn't it a beautiful day that our Lord has given us?
RG: Um, yes. It's lovely today.
EvilGeek: Um, yes, and I'm enjoying it working in the garden, vacuuming, cleaning up cat puke, beheading my enemies... You get the picture.

SM: We'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
RG: 'K.
*EvilGeek: Um, yes. I know Jesus. I think he did my roof. He's also Chelle's friend. She talks about his great tacos.
RG: Yes, yes, thank you. I'm a believer. Thanks so much and enjoy this wonderful day.

ReformingGeek quickly closes door and returns to Blogger what Hubby was saying.

*I promise that my evil twin did not say that.

Last Saturday, it was folks passing out pamphlets advertising an "end of the world" discussion. Well, we already know that's going to happen in 2012. My warped brain started thinking about what we could possibly do about this situation and what does "world" really mean anyway?

Maybe we could leave.

I think I'll attend the discussion. Here's the description:

SAYING GOODBYE TO EARTH - FUNDAMENTALS- 10:00 am - 12:00 pm, Zombie room, led by the late Gene Roddenberry.

  • Choosing a Universe and Class M planet
  • Procuring space on a Galaxy Class vessel
  • Preparing for cold storage during the trip
  • Choosing what to take with you (e.g. DVD's, books, pets, family members, weapons, favorite junk food, Diet Dr Pepper, etc.)
  • What to do if Dr. Smith takes over the ship (how to re-program the robot, etc.)
  • What to do if you encounter alien life forms
  • Religious guidance (e.g. in case the Mayan calendar is a day or two off and the world disappears before your ship was due to depart)
I'm sure I can get you into this seminar cheap.

Have a great holiday! Be safe.

Photo credits: Lost in Space Robot: drp on, Creative Commons license (see sidebar)


Nooter said...

im gonna pose as one of those seeing eye dog types and use pity to move to the front of the waiting list for departing vehicles. wanna be my blind companion?

Marvin D Wilson said...

LMAO - Reforming One, this is one of your all time best posts. :)

Around here we get the Jehovah's Witnesses - WITH their little children and their puppy dog eyes - on those wish I could sleep in Saturday mornings. I sometimes let them in and pretend to be an atheist. I can dance intellectual circles around most of them, but I always let them win and get converted before they go into a believer. LOL.

Then when they leave I backslide immediately into a rational spiritualist Christian. (wink)

The Old Silly

Anonymous said...

Danger, danger Ref Robinson-Geek!

heh heh

We have a wonderful security/screen door. It's one of those where we can see outside, but they can't see inside.

I love it when somebody tries to do their sales pitch and I can tell they have no idea where to look. I enjoy their discomfiture.

heh heh

Now that's evile! You need to take some more lessons from me GF! Ha!

ReformingGeek said...

@Nooter - I bet we can get on the first flight outta here!

@Marvin - Thank you! You are such the prankster.

@Quirky - Evil, evil, woman. Hehe

Maybe you could be Penny. She was so cool.

Unknown said...

your reference to Chelles Jesus really made be burst out laughing.. people in the office are ready to have me committed.

I usually let the dog answer the door.. they hear him and go away..rather quickly.

Let me know when the metting is...I'll be there!

Elizabeth said...

My idiot dogs get so excited when someone comes to our door (it doesn't happen too often) and they bark their heads off! I would like to teach them manners when someone knocks on the door, but since they usually scare canvasserrs away I'm tepted to just let them do their thing!

Mike said...

I hate when people try to invade your house with selling shit or pushing religious ideals! I will post about the vacuum cleaner sales people one day, it was a riot!

Jack and Kernel said...

I think your probably old enough to remember the house in CA where they all thought a UFO was going to beem them up!!!!

Deb said...

I will be happy to send NutJob your way. She handles those Come to Jesus people quite well and I don't even have to go to the door.

Nice roof! Nice house! My sympathies on the roofers. They truly are a different bunch!

ReformingGeek said...

@I'm glad you got a funny today. Note to self: Get dog.

@Elizabeth - Note to self: Get dog!

@otin - I can't wait to see the sucking post. ;-)

@Jack and Kernel - I don't know but it's been a plot on TV enough times.

@Deb - Nutjob will do fine. Thanks. Thanks for the comments about the house. I've got to pay the roofing company tomorrow. Dang.

Anonymous said...

I am thoroughly ashamed of my answer to a Jehovah's Witness one day, many, many years ago. I opened the door and the first word out of their mouths was "Have you been saved?" I asked "Saved? For WHAT?" They said "But haven't you heard about Jesus?" and I said "What? What'd he do now!?"

Oh....I am ashamed........Now? I just say "I'm catholic" and watch them back away quickly.

Hit 40 said...

I am going to try Dana's answer next time. She is a feisty old broad!!!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

HAHA! Yeah, so you're gonna be canvasing the neighborhoods with that one? Or will you simply be handing out brochures to the people who come a knockin' on YOUR door this weekend?

Marvel Goose said...

No, I'm not a Christian. I'm an Episcopalian. That usually confuses them well enough.

If I have time and feel really crazy that day I'll say, "yes, I'm a believer. God Bless you for your work for our Lord today. Let's pray for your success right now!" and then I grab their hands, drop to my knees and roll into a 10 minute prayer saying "Father God" on every even numbered breath and "we just wanna" on every old numbered breath all the time holding their increasingly sweaty hands.

They'll be oh so polite and wish they'd never knocked on my door.

As Brother Dave Gardner used to say, "Love Your Enemies and Drive 'em nuts!"

ReformingGeek said...

@Dana - I love your answer!

@Hit 40 - Yeah. Don't mess with that one

@Nanny - Great idea! I guess I'd better print some pamphlets.

@Marvel - Oh, my, my. That's hilarious.

Suzanne said...

I'm totally going to that seminar, you just can't pass up an opportunity like that.

And Marvel Goose, if you can some how get that "feeling crazy" moment on YouTube, well, that would be awesome.

Unknown said...

You make me realize why I am so happy I live in the country. No one knocks on my door so I can continue to be the sinner I was meant to be. Great post. Vacuum cleaner salesmen are the best. I once had them vacuum three rooms twice! Ahh good times!

Unknown said...

Let's see...There's a zombie room and they let you take weapons. Now....what to do in case you see an alien life form......

I got it! Tell him about Jesus' allegedly stupendous tacos and behead him with your weapon of choice, then drag him back to the zombie room and bring him back via Jesus taco.

ReformingGeek said...

@Sue - That's right although Hubby told me we can't pick a universe. Sheesh!

@ettarose - Thanks. Hum....I can't wait for the vacuum guy to get here. My floors are dirty.

@Beau - I'll give that some thought.

Jean Knee said...

I used to have the most delightful jehova's witness girls come by my house. I loved those girls.

I know, weird

Skye said...

This is Awesome!

I get the Jehovah Witnesses as well, for some reason though, they tend to leave before they even start their sales pitch. It can't have anything to do with the way the door gets answered, can it?

This is how the door is answered:

*Loud barking from 145 lbs of oversized Doberman (stands 34 inches at the shoulder)*

creeeak *Skye opening door*

"Lucifer, be quiet, I need to talk to these people"

"That's ok, I think we'll just leave!" JW

ReformingGeek said...

@Jean - You have a big heart!

@Skye - Um, yeah. That would do it!

Maureen said...

Ahahahaha! Oh gad, I HATE those solicitors. I see them coming up our driveway and I want to hide.

Unfortunately the dog barks so loudly I am sure the visitors can hear me screaming at her to shut the hell up!

The Constant Complainer said...

I loved this post. LOL. We actually had a Jehovah's Witness, with an interesting approach, knock on our door.

I opened the door and he had his four-year-old kid with him. He said, "We are here..." That caused me to think twice about tossing him off my porch like I normally would. I just told them I wasn't interested and closed the door.

But what I continue to think about is what this kid thought when someone did flip out and slam the door in their faces...

"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"