Worst Gifts EVER!

Now that I've gorged myself on delicious traditional Thanksgiving food, it's time to start thinking about Christmas shopping. I know. You're not ready. Neither am I.

BTW, was anyone served a dish they couldn't identify on Thanksgiving?

I thought about being a scrooge this year but Hubby won't let me and after all it's Black Friday and I have to do my part to help the retailers make some money. So I won't be a scrooge. Instead, I've pledged to find the tackiest gifts I can for my gift recipients this season. To get myself in the mood, I made some cookies, opened a bottle of vino and started searching the Interwebs. It only took a few minutes to choose from the wide selection of tacky gift suggestions and I'm sure none of these selections were influenced by the 3rd or 4th glass of wine:


For Cousin Harriet who sometimes whines about shopping for me:

Yep. It's a grocery bag vase. Enjoy Sweetie. I'm sure this will fit right in with your decor.


For Uncle Bubba who is really very nice and will probably like this gift:

Bobble. Bobble. Great for any redneck's hearth.

And I heard that some distant relative was experiencing some problems with garden pests so I found this pest riddance device:

That's right. It carries those pesky gnomes right out of your yard. Good Luck with this, Joe!

All the vegans on my gift list will get one of these:

They're meat-lovers, right? Hiccup. I'm starting to feel a little woozy here.

Finally, this year Hubby told me he wanted a "Super Model" for Christmas and Google didn't let me down. I found this great model. I know he will like it because he's really into jeeps...

Am I a great wife or what?



Wait minute. Something tells me this isn't what he meant....Oh well. Good thing I saved the receipt.

Smiley needs a little help this season.


Happy Shopping!

Oh No, Not Again - Happy Thanksgiving!

To commence the "eat until we pop" season, let's review a few of the food disasters that can make any cooking/baking endeavor pure hell.

Please note that MOST of these DID NOT happen to me. Somebody else was the sucker.

• Get out the 20 pound turkey for thawing Thanksgiving morning expecting to eat by 2:00 PM. Uh, no. Trust me. You won't be eating that turkey at 2:00 PM. I hope you have plenty of sides.

• Toasted Turkey Pieces and Parts: This is the classic stinky and messy disaster of cooking the turkey without sticking your hand you-know-where and pulling out the you-know-what. It only takes one forgotten orifice for this disaster to occur.

• Catering Malfunction: This is similar to a wardrobe malfunction but depending on how many hungry guests you have, I think it beats the slight showing of boobage. This is where you show up to pick-up your catering order and they are a) closed, b) got it terribly wrong, or c) forgot you.
  

• Egg Salad in a Box: Blow up eggs in the microwave, more than once. Yep. After doing this and scraping them from every corner of the microwave, just add your seasonings and your egg salad is ready....
  

• Molten Lava Cake That You Don't Want to Eat: Make a cake following the recipe in detail, noticing the symptoms of runny liquid goo being put into the oven and not realizing the problem. This happens twice. Call the person who gave you the recipe and review. YOU ARE THEN REMINDED THAT FLOUR IS A KEY INGREDIENT. DUH!
  

• Not so Yummy: Bake a cake that looks delicious. Serve your guests. They take huge bites and they all start gagging at once. What happened? YOU GOT THE SUGAR AND SALT MEASUREMENTS MIXED UP. OOPS!
  

• The Disaster Magnet. This is the guy you don't want to have lunch with for fear that his bad luck will rub off on you. This is the buddy that is always the recipient of bad luck at the restaurant. Either his food is a) forgotten b) dropped, complete with loud crashing noises and cursing, or c) completely and thoroughly screwed up. So when you are at lunch with this guy and you hear a crash of dishes, it's at least an 80% chance that it was this guy's meal. Poor guy.

• The Drowning Effect: I will confess that I have spilled a large Iced Tea on a friend or relative at a restaurant twice. I promise that I'm feeling better now. We really worked on this at the hospital. At first they wanted to shorten my long arms but then they encouraged me not to talk so much with my hands. It's much better to talk with your mouth, even if it's full of food and someone makes you laugh and.......

Sorry, that was a problem with my time machine. I was back in 6th grade with my BFF sitting at the table, eating crackers and making jokes.

Mom wasn't smiling but maybe we can give her one for putting up with the family for Turkey Day this year.

I know there are more disasters out there. Let's hope none of them come your way this season.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!