Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Oh No, Not Again - Happy Thanksgiving!

To commence the "eat until we pop" season, let's review a few of the food disasters that can make any cooking/baking endeavor pure hell.

Please note that MOST of these DID NOT happen to me. Somebody else was the sucker.

  • Get out the 20 pound turkey for thawing Thanksgiving morning expecting to eat by 2:00 PM. Uh, no. Trust me. You won't be eating that turkey at 2:00 PM. I hope you have plenty of sides.
  • Toasted Turkey Pieces and Parts: This is the classic stinky and messy disaster of cooking the turkey without sticking your hand you-know-where and pulling out the you-know-what. It only takes one forgotten orifice for this disaster to occur.
  • Catering Malfunction: This is similar to a wardrobe malfunction but depending on how many hungry guests you have, I think it beats the slight showing of boobage. This is where you show up to pick-up your catering order and they are a) closed, b) got it terribly wrong, or c) forgot you.
  • Egg Salad in a Box: Blow up eggs in the microwave, more than once. Yep. After doing this and scraping them from every corner of the microwave, just add your seasonings and your egg salad is ready....
  • Molten Lava Cake That You Don't Want to Eat: Make a cake following the recipe in detail, noticing the symptoms of runny liquid goo being put into the oven and not realizing the problem. This happens twice. Call the person who gave you the recipe and review. YOU ARE THEN REMINDED THAT FLOUR IS A KEY INGREDIENT. DUH!
  • Not so Yummy: Bake a cake that looks delicious. Serve your guests. They take huge bites and they all start gagging at once. What happened? YOU GOT THE SUGAR AND SALT MEASUREMENTS MIXED UP. OOPS!
  • The Disaster Magnet. This is the guy you don't want to have lunch with for fear that his bad luck will rub off on you. This is the buddy that is always the recipient of bad luck at the restaurant. Either his food is a) forgotten b) dropped, complete with loud crashing noises and cursing, or c) completely and thoroughly screwed up. So when you are at lunch with this guy and you hear a crash of dishes, it's at least an 80% chance that it was this guy's meal. Poor guy.
  • The Drowning Effect: I will confess that I have spilled a large Iced Tea on a friend or relative at a restaurant twice. I promise that I'm feeling better now. We really worked on this at the hospital. At first they wanted to shorten my long arms but then they encouraged me not to talk so much with my hands. It's much better to talk with your mouth, even if it's full of food and someone makes you laugh and.......

Sorry, that was a problem with my time machine. I was back in 6th grade with my BFF sitting at the table, eating crackers and making jokes.

Mom wasn't smiling but maybe we can give her one for putting up with the family for Turkey Day this year.

I know there are more disasters out there. Let's hope none of them come your way this season.



Anonymous said...


I was worried I was gonna be a victim of #1, but alas, the sucker is thawing out finally!

ReformingGeek said...

@Quirkyloon - Thanks! I'm glad your turkey is softening ;-)

Deb said...

Happy Thanksgiving! I bet your meal will be just perfect! A few shots of Wild Turkey ought to help!

ReformingGeek said...

@Deb - Thanks, You, too. We are taking some wine to Mom's. ;-)

"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"