Sunday, August 30, 2009

Open Letter to Perry

Dear Perry,

You are not my friend. Do not send me a friend request on Facebook. DO NOT follow me on Twitter. Do not comment on my blog. I do not like you. GET IT?

GO AWAY.

So who is this Perry, ReformingGeek?

OK. Here's the story. First, I must tell the guys that you can move on towards the end of this post where I have a reality check and a special treat for you (and a snack for Nooter). On the other hand, feel free to read all the gory details because just when you thought you understood how to manage her PMS.....


When you turn 40, your doctor tells you that Perry will be visiting you from now until the CHANGE. Um....huh? That's right. Perry will stop by and wave stab you with a wand and you will experience fluctuations in your.....er....monthly cycle. You will have mood swings, hot flashes, followed by a visit from Mr. Freeze. You will find yourself giving those around you the stink eye more often than you want to admit.


You will experience brain farts, brain fog, and brain explosion (must be great for the zombies). Your energy will be sucked away during the night and that weekend of junk food and adult beverages clings to your belly, hips, and thighs like a newborn babe on a......oh never mind.

And Perry, when did you stop understanding that MONTHLY is the minimum acceptable frequency?


Treatments include chocolate, shoes, date nights, vacations, Kiefer Sutherland and Matt Damon fixes, chocolate, shoes, date nights, vacations, etc.

Did I tell you about the brain fog? That's right. Perry again. Sometimes I repeat myself.

I'm so glad I have someone to blame.

But wait. There's more.

Guys, something similar happens to you. You will need $$ and more $$ because most of you will be purchasing some sort of vehicle. Money will also be needed for all the extra medical testing because of issues with the "cough" exam or the finger exam or the too-much-stress test. You will feel like a walking pharmacy with new medications for this, that, and the other. Hats will be needed to cover heads because the hair up there just isn't adequate anymore. And that extra stuff around the middle? Yeah. It's a lot harder to get rid of now. Sorry, guys.

OK, Guys, this one's for YOU:


Kidding. Kidding.

Is this better?



No, Nooter, not yet. Stop slobbering all over the human's lap. Here's your snack:


Wait. I think I'll have one, too. Yum.

Photo credits: Mr. Freeze: imdb.com, corvette ladies and Brats: istockphoto.com

32 comments:

The Old Silly said...

Just keep this kind of marvelous senseof humor and you'll get through this, Reforming One (smile). It only lasts 5, maybe 10 years, depends on your genes and stock of course, could go on longer, but - hey! Ouch! Did you just throw a bratwurst at me?

Marvin D Wilson

otin said...

The last picture looks like it might be one for the girls! Yes my mind lives in the gutter!

Quirkyloon said...

GF, I feel your perry, erm, I mean pain!

Boy that Nooter is one lucky dog! heh heh

Chief said...

Oh well good, I have 3 1/2 more years before I can claim my bitchiness as medically induced in stead of just a personality disorder.

BTW...kinda stole you from Sublime Life...Im sure she will share, although she never did growing up...but that's for another time

Nooter said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................

drooooooooooooooooooollllllllllllll..............

oh, and say hi to perry winkle for me

ReformingGeek said...

@Marvin - Thanks and yes, I did just throw a brat at you.

@otin - While you are in the gutter, would you shovel it for me? ;-)

@Chief - You'll think of some other reason!

@Quirky - GAP - Girls against Perry!

@Nooter - Sure, after I clean up your slobber. ;-)

Minka said...

This post would be scary if it weren't so funny! :) LOL! Thanks for the laugh!

Lunatron (aka Jamie) said...

So let me get this straight... Perry gave me a gut, made me buy those, ummm... necessities and is making my hair fall out? I'm gonna bust a cap in him, I swear.

ReformingGeek said...

@Minka - Thanks. Sometimes you just have to laugh!

@Jamie - Sure, why not? Isn't it nice to have someone to blame?

dizzblnd said...

Damn just when I was getting used to Aunt Flo. Is Perry her evil twin brother?

That's OK as long as there's chocolate no one gets hurt right?

ReformingGeek said...

@dizzblnd - Perry is her evil twin SISTER. Much worse. Yes, there will be chocolate!

Hit 40 said...

My husband has been going through spending brain fog for over a decade!! He has hopped from one pimped up car to the next to a pimped up racing bicycle to try to take on Lance Armstrong. He really thinks he could do tour de France.

Bee said...

I'm sure I'll be fine but I feel bad for Andy. ;o)

ReformingGeek said...

@Hit40 - Yep. That's Perry for you.

@Bee - Yeah. Poor thing.

Elizabeth said...

Ahhh, it starts at 40?? I guess I better be on the look out!

ettarose said...

I had my visit at 24. All at once and let me tell you Perry is a BITCH! There are other equally nasty surprises in store for you too. Guys start to dribble and women have tissue paper skin down "there"

Julie Innis said...

Life with Perry, eh? Love it and having just turned 40 this past year, I'm 'feeling' this post!!

ReformingGeek said...

@Elizabeth - Yes, "Perry/peri" can start to show herself around age 40. Beware.

@ettarose - That's just wrong.

@Julie - At least "Perry/peri" isn't as bad as Minnie will be.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

My sister has been dodging Perry for a few years, now... Luckily I think he's been spending all his time annoying her and has ignored me - but now that I've said that, it'll probably encourage him to come for a visit. Maybe I should just delete this comment.

Oops. ;)

unfinishedrambler said...

Thanks for two of the three photos, especially the third. Now I'm hungry again and I just had breakfast.

Marissa said...

Perry and I have been acquaintances for a couple of years now. He's quite the buzz kill.

Jean Knee said...

That effer Perry keeps stalking me too. So far he keeps his distance but if I stumble he'll be on me like stink on filth.

ReformingGeek said...

@Stacy - Beware of the Perry. Send him away.

@unfinished - Yeah, me, too.

@Marissa - Just trying to hold on a bit longer. ;-)

@Jean - That's right. Keep your eyes open and stay alert!

Nooter said...

oh the snaks are still here, hooray!

mmmmmmm...................

inadvertent farmer said...

Well since I'm almost...within days...of turning 45 and just got done nursing my baby I can expect Perry to be visiting me any day. I must say I'm gonna try to remain calm but make no guarantees! Kim

Deb said...

That damned Perry, he stole my hair, my nice dewy skin, and has now invited Gray Vitty to move in, so now there's Hell to pay. I ripped Aunt Flow's right out of my life a few years ago. Figured where she goes, Perry goes. Wrong. See, Perry is best friends with the Ova Ree sisters and they do everything together. It's a freakin' conspiracy.

ReformingGeek said...

@Nooter - Well, actually, I just had them for dinner.

@farmer - Your doorbell is ringing.

@Deb - Oh, dear. You are on to that conspiracy. I was trying to break it to them easy.

Funnyrunner said...

oh, dear. I think this is all happening to me already. I cannot come up with words anymore when I talk. ugh.

honeypiehorse said...

Huh my doctor hasn't mentioned perry but it does seem like more check ups are needed these days. . .

ReformingGeek said...

@funnyrunner - That seems to be the first thing.....

@honeypiehorse - Maybe Perry doesn't like Germany.

Leeuna said...

News hotFlash. Perry has moved in with me and is now living in our guest room. Bring on the chocolate. And shoes...lots of shoes.

The Constant Complainer said...

I really enjoyed Deb's comment.

I don't comment on hormone-related posts. Haha!!!


"1.00s, 1.50s, 1.75s for the short arms. If you know what I'm talking about, you're probably old, too."

"Boomer brain fog: What was the last, middle, and first part of what you just said to me?"