Amateur Antics - Let's See a Show!

But first, Hubby asked me if I sent the toasters to "silicon heaven." I said "Huh?" and he reminded me of Red Dwarf (hilarious British Sitcom set in space) and it went downhill from there. Logic follows that I must show you the classic "toaster scene" from Red Dwarf. It's only a little over three minutes. Enjoy!

"Talking Toaster"


Ready for the show? Good. Grab your popcorn, candy, and large drink and let's get started; after the previews and commercials of course. Hum...why I am paying to see commercials?

One would think seeing a movie is a fairly simple task. It seems I am gravely mistaken. Just in case you need a little review, I've provided explicit instructions in today's post:

• Show up on time. Although I don't like commercials and previews, I really don't like seeing you and your buddies walk in front of me trying to find a seat.

• Turn off your technology. Otherwise, I may take it from you and use it as a flashlight when I have to get up to pee.

• If you're at the movie to make-out with your favorite squeeze, please sit in the back. Not everybody wants to see your best moves. I do, of course, but I can always move to the back row to check you out, right?

• Whip your children into shape. Oops. I mean encourage your children to stay in their seats and keep quiet. Otherwise, I may eat them.

• When you come into a theater with plenty of open seats, please don't sit down in front of me, blocking my view. If you do, I may suddenly have a sneezing or coughing fit to encourage you to find a new seat.

• Speaking of coughing, if you're ill, please don't join us for the movie tonight.

• Talking: Don't. Is that hard?

I'll never forget the time that our small team of about five people had to see a movie with our boss. I say "had" because it was the annual "Christmas party" and it was always a big ordeal as to what to do. Attendance wasn't really optional. The boss talked during the movie. She kept asking questions and analyzing the characters. I was trying very hard to ignore her but she was never the boss to be ignored, if you know what I mean.

The last time I went to a theater, this sign got my attention:

We are no longer allowing children under the age of two in the theater for evening/night showings of PG and PG-13 movies. We have had too many complaints about noise. Thank you for your understanding.

My question is why would people bring their babies to a movie anyway? The loud theater does not make a good baby-sitter and I don't want to be sitting next to or even hear your screaming child when I just paid a small fortune for my popcorn, 'K?


Fortunately, I didn't encounter any of these amateurs when Hubby and I went to the theater to see the latest Star Trek flick. It could be that the theater was full of other classy geeks like us (Ha!) It could be that there weren't many children. It was on Memorial Day and apparently, some schools were in session, making up a "snow" day. Huh? Whatever.


Photo credit: Spock: yelahneb, flickr.com Creative Commons (see sidebar). This is a pretty good Spock, goofy bowl cut and all. It was a Halloween costume back in 1982.

Toaster: Fail

I have banished two toasters from the ReformingGeek household in the past two weeks. That's right. It was obvious the toasters were assigned to my house to kill me - by starvation. Is it too much to ask that I can have my toast for breakfast like I do every day? No, I didn't want half the bread toasted nor did I want the entire piece of bread charred beyond recognition.

I guess it was too much to ask. The first toaster decided it no longer wanted an intimate relationship with the bread. It rejected each and every piece inserted into the appropriate slots so I went to the store in search of its replacement. I didn't like the prices. I went back home and remembered we had a toaster we used prior to our kitchen remodel stuck in a closest somewhere waiting for the garage sale that never happens. I got it out, cleaned it up, removed the price sticker, and plugged her in. She worked like a charm.

Apparently, toaster #1 had a conversation with this replacement toaster while it was sitting on the counter waiting for Real Cat to take it out to the garbage. I know this because soon after toaster #1 was finally deposed of, it's replacement turned into the Ice Woman. That's right. No heat coming from this lady. Maybe she prefers her bread buttered on the other side, if you know what I mean. She certainly didn't like any of the specimens I presented to her.

I went to buy toaster #3. The prices at Wally-World (Gosh Dern It!) were within my budget but I have not learned form my mistakes. Toaster #2 is still on the counter and I'm sure she's telling this new guy (yes, I got a guy this time) what he's supposed to do:

Show her the power of the dark toast side.

Uh....ReformingGeek?

Yes?

You do know that toasters are not alive and out to get you, don't you?

They are alive. Tick. Tick. Otherwise, why would they talk to me and set up play dates with the cat?

Dang. I'm hungry now.

Photo credits: Darth Vader _ES on flickr.com, Frakking toasters: RedMorris on flickr.com, both licensed under Creative Commons (see sidebar)

Memorial Day, Construction Notice, and Open Letter

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend and has taken a moment to honor those that have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.

The rain has given me an excuse to not work in the yard too much so I've moved forward with the Geek Blog re-design. I hope you like it. I still have a few tweaks so be patient if things move around a bit. Yes, eventually, the tabs will navigate to something reasonably fun, or at least funny!

The not-so-nice Mother Nature cursed me Sunday as I was out for a peaceful run. Since this isn't the first time she has abused me, I wrote her a complaint letter:

Dear Ms. Fickle M. Nature;

Next time, I will use my weather machine against you, you sadistic Ruler of the Elements. Yes. I saw the big swollen cloud and I've seen many like them in the past that have been whisked away leaving me disappointed. When the little droplets of water started falling on me, I thanked you. I was getting hot and it felt nice.

Then your mood changed, you schizoid, sorry excuse for someone in charge of nature. Your cloud no longer dripped on me. It morphed into a giant pitcher and starting to pour its contents on me every step of the way. Even the momma duck and her ducklings went for cover.
You and gravity must be having a fling. Thank you for removing the sweat from my forehead and letting it slide into my eyes. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! I had to close my eyes and then I started to weave. Any spectator of this geek girl out for a run would think she swallowed something extra in her morning tea.

You would not cease and desist. You continued to pour on me as I amazingly safely crossed the street into the last 1/2 mile of my route. My feet were heavy with your liquid and my eyes were still burning and I was sure my transmogrification into a fish was about to be complete.

Fortunately for you, there is a happy ending.

I will forgive you....THIS TIME!

Hubby was waiting in the garage with a beach towel. I dried off and stepped into the house. You must have found someone else to drench as you turned the rain up a notch for the next 40 minutes. For that, I thank you.

Yours truly,

ReformingGeekFish

Photo credits: Ducks: some email

I Spy a Front Porch

You can thank Meadowlark from Just Wandering Through for this post. She posted a picture of her very nice backporch and motivated her readers to write about their porches in order to win something. She didn't even tell us what we will win but apparently that didn't matter as you are now reading a post about a porch.



Actually, it was an incentive to clean which is something I've been putting off for awhile.

Thanks for that.

I have three porches. The one you are getting is the "front" porch which is NOT, I repeat, NOT the main entrance to our house. Curses to the goofs that built this house and made this an entry. We store luggage in front of this door as it's a little room behind the laundry room that contains all things sports and fitness plus anything else that doesn't have a "spot" The room is full but I at least managed to make a path for a yoga mat, and unfortunately, the ironing board. DANG!

Back to the porch. It has so many uses. Here we can sit to watch for the zombies and aliens, fox, deer, and cat meals bunnies to amuse us. We can spy on the neighbors using the technology on our laptops. We have a birds eye view of the silent black helicopters hovering at the neighbor's hangar across the street at night. We are not sure what he has in there and no, it's not an airplane. Night vision goggles work great.

Oops. I'm getting carried away. I really shouldn't divulge too much about my secret life as a spy.

What I mean is, we can watch the neighbors come and go, practicing our country wave, or we can watch them mow their lawns while we have a drinkie and kick back.

So here's the view:


As for the issue with the door, the prior owners had a hand-written sign indicating the direction of the real front door. Obviously, it could not be seen at night and I thought it looked silly so I took it down. I will usually just put something in front of the door but if you have any ideas for something a little more entertaining, I'm all ears or eyes or something like that.

When someone does ring that doorbell, we hear one chime inside ("ding") whereas if someone rings the real front doorbell, we hear two chimes ("ding-dong"). WOW! Wasn't that the most clever and exciting thing you've heard all day?

Oops. I'm sorry about that sarcasm. It takes over sometimes and usually gets me a shovel if you know what I mean.

The back porch is where we spend most of our time. Our grill is back there and we have a small table. There is a better view of the runway from there. The problem is that right now, it's being inhabited by giant lizards in the back corner where some leaves have accumulated obviously making a sweet, cozy nesting place. There may be something else back there, too:


Have a great holiday weekend!

Photo credits: ReformingGeek front porch and view: ReformingGeek's sad, sad attempts at photography, snake: arrived via email.

Hats Off to Weirdness

You probably remember the WTF blanket. Let me introduce you to the WTF hat. That's right. This is the hat that makes your zipper light up (Please take that last sentence and let your mind wonder wherever it may.)


A hat with this ability surely must be able to protect us from zombies or at least aliens. Oh, wait. Maybe the lighted zipper is actually a target for the aliens. Uh oh.

I'm breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't buy that hat although I'm sure it would protect my shoulders from the sun even if I were a few inches wider. That should teach me to shop after drinking a margarita or three.

Yeah, right. If you know me, you know I'm a lightweight. I only need one to get real silly.

Anyhowsit, back to the hat. It made me laugh and I started thinking of all the other crazy hats out there. I found these on very-bored.com in the Weird Hats category.

Weird is an understatement.

This one was.....er.....exciting to me for some reason. Are those unicorns? Maybe these ladies never outgrew the childhood unicorn fantasy?

Can I buy you a drink?

Then there's this thing. Um, please folks, let's set a GOOD example for the kids, OK?

See kids if you smoke, you will become ONE with the cigarette.

When I first saw this next one, I thought of a dartboard and a picture of one of my old bosses. But it's a phonographic record. Remember those? As to what the point (pun intended) is, you got me:

You spin me right round, baby right round like a record, baby Right round round round...

This next one made me spew my wine. I think this girl must have had my other two margaritas from this chalice before she turned it over and placed it on her head:

Look, Mom, my blouse matches my hat and I need an orthodontist.

Finally, there is simply no reasonable explanation for this monstrosity. Goat lady? What am I missing here?

Help! My insides have fallen out?

Ok. That's enough. I need a nap.

By the way, my blog roll imploded sometime last week and I'm slowly getting it re-created. If you find yourself missing in action on my sidebar, please let me know.

Photo credit: ReformingGeek/Alien Target: Hubby after a few. All rights reserved, unless you think you can make some serious money off this photo. If so, please share.

Caption Contest - Winner Announced!

I'm back in town after a nice weekend in Santa Fe, New Mexico with Hubby and some friends.


Yes, that's right. Those are EMPTY margarita glasses which might explain the OMG look on my face. It's either that or I was seeing one of Quirky's zombies headed my way wanting dessert. Or maybe it was exhaustion from the table dance I did to help pay the bill. That would also explain the red nose.


Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes?

You need to announce the winner.

What winner?

THE CAPTION CONTEST WINNER YOU BRAIN-FOGGED GEEK!

Oh. Please stop yelling at me. Sniff.

Fast forward a bit.

OK. I found Perspective Cat hiding behind the drapes because he saw me type "zombies" and even promises of mouseburgers later could not coax him from his hiding place. I went looking for Real Cat. That was useless. He is pouting because we left him this weekend and is outside looking for potential meals while turning up his nose at contest judging.

I begged family and friends to help out and they came through for me!

Finally. The winner.

Marissa from WhaHappen, with this caption:

"Future Sith Lord, you are. By your red eyes, I can tell."

Marissa gets the Perspective Cat award for her blog.


Jacki and SpitRock Dozer also scored points with the judges.

As usual, you guys did a great job with the captions and thanks for playing!

Photo credit: Red-faced ReformingGeek, Hubby and friends property of ReformingGeek. All Rights Reserved. But if you can find a really awesome naked body to put my face on, go for it.

Dinner, or Lack Thereof, and Caption Contest!

I know. It's Thursday and you wanted dinner and I know I owe you some roasted bloggers but I'm taking a short break to sanitize the kitchen after making another batch of roadkill (or not so killed) stew. Hubby will eat good tonight just from what I encountered during my run on Wednesday:

1 juicy dead squirrel, ready for mashing
1 half-eaten unidentifiable bird
2 "yappy" poodles (need I say more)
Leftovers from whatever the redtail hawk dove down and grabbed with her talons, about 50 feet in front of me. WOW!

I'm just kidding. I don't really care for squirrel. I've heard it doesn't taste like chicken.

I hope I have not lost you because today's post is actually a caption contest. I need your best caption for this photo:


If you win, you will receive this geeky award that I hope you will display with pride:



I'll make sure Perspective Cat is fattened up and ready for the judging. Winner announced Sunday! Good Luck!

Photo credit: Little Spooks on flickr.com Creative Commons license (see sidebar)

A Ghost Jumps Over the Moon

Honor your mother and father at least one day of the year.

Uh...Reforming Geek, you're supposed to do that every day.

Ok. I think I can do that.

On Mother's Day, I cooked for my mom and my mother-in-law and the rest of the immediate families. No, I didn't roast them and I didn't catch the house on fire.

We had southern comfort food: chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Yum! Dessert was lemon cookies and praline cookies. There was a huge platter full of cookies. I blinked and only a few were left. What the heck happened? My guests waddled to their cars. That's when my world went upside down.

There are things you should never know about your mom.

Hubby was backing my mom's large vehicle up our long driveway. I was following, walking with my mom. I made a comment to my mom about the headlights of her car being in our faces and she said she showed someone her backside the last time she had headlights in her face. Um....what was that you just said, Mom?

Who are you and what did you do with my innocent mental image of my angelic mom?

Mom says her friend was in the parking lot after a bingo session and turned on her headlights and "blinded" my mom. She got a bit miffed and turned around and dropped'm showing a couple of large moons and some hail damage. Mom also admits she had forgotten her friend's mother and brother were also in the car......oops. You have to understand my mom is tall and not thin. I can't imagine being mooned by my mom.

In other mooning news, this guy must be very proud of his backside.....


but those swim trunks gotta go. Um....I mean that I don't like them not that he needs to further disrobe.


Speaking of mothers, here's a story I'm working on about my mom's mother:

It's a hot day in the summer of 1909. Thirteen-year-old Irene Boone is tired. She has been traveling all day with her family and they have finally arrived at their new house in Kentucky. She's been feeling strange all day. Maybe it's the hormone change Mom recently discussed with her that sounded a bit frightening. She was not really looking forward to that passage into womanhood. Maybe it was just the feeling of being unsettled, having moved so much in her young life.

Irene went into the house to look around, hoping to find a place to rest and enjoy some peace and quiet from her younger rowdy siblings. As she turned the corner into the kitchen, the room grew cold and she felt a slight breeze. Then she saw it. It was white, just like she'd always heard, and it was flying across the room making an eerie noise. She screamed. Her parents came to find her. She had just seen a ghost, a real live (or not so live) ghost and she was terrified.

All that was left at that house was a cloud of dust as the family sped away in their truck, starting their search for a new place to call home.

I changed a few of the details but she really did believe that she saw a ghost to the day she died.

I've never seen a ghost. Maybe with the help or drugs or alcohol, I might. After my dad passed away, my mom claimed things kept moving around in the house. She thought my dad's ghost might be having some fun. Hubby has deja vu occasionally. I've had that happen once or twice and it was very weird, like I was in some other dimension.

Any ghosts or moonings you want to share?

Photo credits: Ghostly moon: Scott M. Duncan on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), psychedelic moons, Elfeda on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

I am Fish

Remember the triathlon goal? Well, becoming one with fish is definitely a humbling experience for me. Yes, I can swim but I tend to sink so I feel like I have to work very hard to propel my body through the water. Then I learned that you're supposed to breathe while swimming. Um......huh? Can I have some gills installed and maybe a tail while they're at it?

ReformingGeekFish

I'm convinced it wasn't a pool. I was moving my body through this:


I must have made a wrong turn somewhere. Oops.



I don't have a pool but I have access to a very nice pool at a local health club. On my last trip to the club, I was finishing my lap swimming attempts when the Water Aerobics class was gathering and setting up their equipment and props.

So you think I'm a geek? Well, yeah, but some of these folks.... Yes, LOL's (Little old Ladies) with blue hair are funny but I'm happy that they are out there moving around. But the older men with man boobs almost made me laugh out loud. I went to the Internet to find a picture but this picture got my attention instead:


MAN BOOB MAN? Boob signing? I'm confused. Whose boobs are being signed?

But let's get back to the swimmers (Um, you DO know what I'm talking about, don't you?) I've definitely seen men with larger boobs than mine and that just makes me so very sad....and a little giggly.

Now would I seriously laugh at these class participants? No, of course not, considering I'm wearing a crooked swim cap and goggles (Ha! I typed googles).

No, I'm not laughing.

My evil twin? Absolutely!

It's funny to see some of the women attempt to get into the water. Like I said, this is a nice pool. The water temperature is PERFECT and I'm very picky about the temperature. I've taught my share of Water Aerobics classes where I was expected to be in the pool with the students. We've had some seriously cold, willy-shrinking, nipple-spazzing, glacier melt water, with the students whining through the whole class and I'm trying to teach while shivering.

OK, maybe not THAT cold but cold. Anyhowsit, some of the ladies act like they are about to get into an ice bath. I bet they are the same ones complaining about how hot they are five minutes into class.

I'm never surprised that people make such good blog fodder!

Hopefully, practice will help my swimming skills as I don't think the transformation into ReformingGeekFish with gills is an option.

Photo credits: manboob sign: San Diego Shooter on flickr.com, Creative Commons (see sidebar), ReformingGeekFish: istockphoto.com, ocean wave: iltreehugger.com

What's in a Star Sign?

A friend of mine sent me an article from a horoscope site. This reading is for the month of May. I went to Wiki to learn more about astrology but my head started spinning uncontrollably so I quickly gave up on that idea and went to take a nap.

Fast forward a bit. I'm back.

I'm an Aries so I decided to have a little fun with my reading:

From the site:

Aries
Starting on the first of May, you’ll watch Oprah reruns all day instead of tending to the needs of your newborn child. At the end of the month, your child, having lived off of spider heads and fly brains, will try to strangle you with a rubber band as you watch your favorite talk show. You will live, but this will be the first of 4,100 stranglings your child will attempt. Stay alert.

Um......no. I told Hubby to just shoot me if he comes home from work and I'm watching Oprah. If I'm watching a previously recorded episode on DVR, re-load and shoot me again.

Let's twist that around a bit:

Aries
Starting on the first of May, you’ll watch Oprah reruns your blog, Facebook and Twitter all day instead of tending to the needs of your newborn child hairball-throwing, projectile-puking, sorry-excuse for-a-mammal cat. At the end of the month, your child beast, having lived off of spider heads and fly brains leftover pieces and parts from meals captured by the foxes and other wild animals, will try to strangle you with a rubber band dead possum as you watch your favorite talk show respond to blog comments. You will live, but this will be the first of 4,100 stranglings your child said beast will attempt. Stay alert.

So what does this mean?

I think it means that the cats are plotting their rebellion and it's going to happen in the cat year 4100 and they will begin by bringing headless dead rodents to each human's doorstep.

Stay alert.

Monday Monday, Can't Trust That Day

My heart and pocketbook is open today. I'm giving away money and there is a picture of me......

OK, forget about that and let's get on with it.

By the way, it's not my money but why sweat the small stuff?


Anyhowsit, for those of you that have been pounded until you're tender, seasoned hot and sassy spicy, and became part of a delicious meal, I've got something special for you:


That's right. If you've been roasted by me in one of my Thursday Trio posts or during a special roasting event, please display your award on your blog with pride. Or, trash it. I won't be hurt. Sniff. Sniff.

If you'd like to be roasted and I have not cooked you yet, please let me know. Remember that the brain fog sometimes sets in and I wake up in a whole new world.

Um....I think that's what cats do, ReformingGeek.

Oh. Well, allrighty then. Maybe I was a cat in a former life?

And for the receiving side of things today my BBFF (Best Blogging Friend Forever), QuirkyLoon from Musings of a Quirkyloon, has given me this award. She is the bestest friend a girl could ever want. Sniff. I will do my best to live up to it. Sniff.


It sure is an emotional day here at House of Geeks. Peace, man.

I love all of you guys and I'm just too lazy emotional to pick out specific bloggers to award so if you've ever left a comment on my blog (that's friendly, right?), please feel free to take this award.

In other news, I saw Quantum Solace (Bond, James Bond) this weekend. Daniel was looking pretty darn yummy:

He who has the biggest gun wins.

I hope you have a laughable humor-filled Monday!

ReformingGeek, you said you were giving away money.

What? I did?

YES, YOU DID!

Oh. I lied. I was just trying to get them to read this post! Sorry, hehe.

Photo credits: Danny-Boy: fanpix.net

H1N1 Snarcastic Mini-Rant

I don't know whether to make fun of local reaction to the potential pandemic or not. I do know that we want this H1N1 nastiness to go away but every time I turn around, something else is being canceled. I'm laughing but a part of me is saying don't. A major school district is closed again today. Should we start to worry about folks going crazy with cabin fever?

A-a-a-a-a CHOO! Excuse me while I grab a tissue. It's spring folks. People are sneezing for all kinds of reasons.

Canceling school may be a good move but do they realize kids are hanging out and sneezing on each other in the local parks or at the mall? You should probably stay away from Wally-World today as that sounds like a great place to find quality merchandise shop for cheap crap when the kids aren't in school.

I'm sure that there are not any teenagers kissing each other at Six Flags. Um...not that I ever kissed a boy on the Cave Ride (Don't tell my mom.) Yes, Six Flags over Texas is still open. Fleetwood Mac performed last night in Dallas and the Texas Rangers played a baseball game. But don't talk to me about them right now. Watching them play is putting me over the edge. Hubby has located the missing sleeve from my straight jacket and is making the call.

OK, that was fun. I love that kid's facial expression. Now back to the rant.

They are disinfecting some schools with bleach and other such environmentally and people friendly chemicals. Ick. That's right. Just plain ICK!

This is Texas. Some of us don't like being told we can't do things. From what I've heard, we should be seceding any day now. But hold yer horses, Gov'ner Ricky-Boy, we might need some help down here if things get a bit out of hand.

For now, I think I will just live my ever-so-interesting life normally. That's right. Blogging. Well, actually, it's also let the cat in and out while waiting for myself to re-invent myself and torturing my poor unsuspecting yoga students into pretzel positions. Ah. Such fun! I'm also being sucked into Facebook like that pathetic fly landing on the fly paper. Help! Help! It's another quiz (trying to control eye twitching). NO! NO! NO!

ReformingGeek, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! NOW!

In other news, around dusk last night, a couple of foxes (no, not ladies) came out of the woods and found a meal in my neighbor's yard. Even Hubby couldn't get great pictures of these elusive hungry beasts. They kept looking at us and licking their chops....not sure what that meant. Yes, I know that you only see one fox. The other one was already back in the woods.

That's my driveway that is yet again showing a good deal of tree poop. I'm still waiting on you guys to show up with your brooms and start sweeping.

Photo credits: sick guy: istockphoto.com, Fear motivational poster: some email, ReformingGeek's fox: Hubby