Open Letter to Perry

Dear Perry,

You are not my friend. Do not send me a friend request on Facebook. DO NOT follow me on Twitter. Do not comment on my blog. I do not like you. GET IT?

GO AWAY.

So who is this Perry, ReformingGeek?

OK. Here's the story. First, I must tell the guys that you can move on towards the end of this post where I have a reality check and a special treat for you (and a snack for Nooter). On the other hand, feel free to read all the gory details because just when you thought you understood how to manage her PMS.....


When you turn 40, your doctor tells you that Perry will be visiting you from now until the CHANGE. Um....huh? That's right. Perry will stop by and wave stab you with a wand and you will experience fluctuations in your.....er....monthly cycle. You will have mood swings, hot flashes, followed by a visit from Mr. Freeze. You will find yourself giving those around you the stink eye more often than you want to admit.


You will experience brain farts, brain fog, and brain explosion (must be great for the zombies). Your energy will be sucked away during the night and that weekend of junk food and adult beverages clings to your belly, hips, and thighs like a newborn babe on a......oh never mind.

And Perry, when did you stop understanding that MONTHLY is the minimum acceptable frequency?


Treatments include chocolate, shoes, date nights, vacations, Kiefer Sutherland and Matt Damon fixes, chocolate, shoes, date nights, vacations, etc.

Did I tell you about the brain fog? That's right. Perry again. Sometimes I repeat myself.

I'm so glad I have someone to blame.

But wait. There's more.

Guys, something similar happens to you. You will need $$ and more $$ because most of you will be purchasing some sort of vehicle. Money will also be needed for all the extra medical testing because of issues with the "cough" exam or the finger exam or the too-much-stress test. You will feel like a walking pharmacy with new medications for this, that, and the other. Hats will be needed to cover heads because the hair up there just isn't adequate anymore. And that extra stuff around the middle? Yeah. It's a lot harder to get rid of now. Sorry, guys.

OK, Guys, this one's for YOU:


Kidding. Kidding.

Is this better?



No, Nooter, not yet. Stop slobbering all over the human's lap. Here's your snack:

Wait. I think I'll have one, too. Yum.

Photo credits: Mr. Freeze: imdb.com, corvette ladies and Brats: istockphoto.com

The Crow and her Foot Fetish Goes Plastic

Over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com, some warped, twisted person with an elevator that doesn't quite make it to the top floor decided that we should write a post about feet. Huh? Surely, that is a typo. Feet? Maybe they meant feast? Yeah, food. I can do that.

But, no, I double-checked and the topic is feet.

I like feet. I even like my feet. Sorry, no photo. I really don't want to get strange emails from FootFetishFrankie after he googles and finds this post.

I don't like crow's feet, though, and I'm not talking about the ones attached to the bottom of the crow. After considering the alternative of not growing older or getting Botox injections, I decided on plastic surgery. How do you like my new look?


Going blond wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. On the other hand, maybe I should sue the surgeon.

Whoa! Back away from me with that torch. Plastic melts and I'm getting a little scared over here.


Have you noticed that people with unattractive feet wear shoes that show the most foot? Isn't that like guys wearing speedos that disappear within the folds of their body? EEEWWWW! Then there are the folks that go to nudists colonies. These are not usually the folks you'd want to see naked.

FEET, Reforming Geek, FEET!

Sigh.

Let's look at a slightly different meaning for "feet". About how many feet up this tree in my front yard is this stylish decoration?


That's right. It's a skin missing its snake. Hint: My 8-foot aluminum ladder is not tall enough to peek in the hole, and, yes, I will get on a ladder even though I'm scared of heights. Hubby did not seem inclined to pull out the heavy duty ladders to check on this situation over the weekend. He said something about his computer hard drive was crashing, his tires needed rotating, he needed to re-organize his sock drawer and then wash his hair. You know, the normal stuff a guy has to do on the weekend.

I can understand why people struggle with the English/Engrish language but the plural of foot is feet, not "feets"!!!

So what else can I tell you about feet? Not much but did you know that Texas has our own version of Bigfoot? Our version is the Lake Worth monster.

Um...yeah. Let me get my camera....


Photo credits: painted barbie: Lorelei92950 on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), hanging snakeskin: ReformingGeek.

All in a Day's Work

A few rhetorical questions and other observations to keep you amused:

• Why is there a kid's activity program called K-L-U-T-Z?

• Why is it that when you call to report an Internet outage (cable) that they end the call by offering you phone and TV service through the Internet? Um, yeah. This is the same Internet service that ISN'T working because Abdul the Backhoe Operator cut through the cable down the street.

• Why do the folks that mark the utility lines before others dig do so incorrectly, over and over again?

• The number of swimming techniques is equal to or greater than the number of swimmers.

• Unattended children "playing" in the swim lanes and crossing to the other lane in front of me will be fed to the zombie lifeguards. What a job. Stand for long periods of time holding your flotation device with whistle ready to blow, giving little kiddos the stink eye. I will say that some of the guys are....er....hawt. Wait. I don't think I'm really allowed to say that when I'm old enough to be their mom.
  

• Cyclists: I give you ample space when passing. I don't ride your "tail lights" waiting to pass you. I don't flip you off or honk my horn at you. All I ask is that YOU stop at the freakin' stop sign as required by law. Got it? Your loved ones won't care about your fastest training time during your memorial service.
  

• Women applying makeup while driving on the freeway should end up looking like this:

• Hubby is a monkey. That's right. It's a good thing we didn't create offspring. Hubby can use his feet like hands picking up things and tossing them around. Sheesh! Maybe I'm just a bit jealous. At least he doesn't spit at people, throw poo, or steal golf balls.

While looking for monkey photos on flickr.com, I found these:




That's right. It's a monkey climbing up a chocolate cupcake with banana buttercream icing. It's just a bit strange, though. Anybody else think so?

ReformingGeek puts down the gray lap beast, nudges Tuxedo Dirtball Cat out of her way, and walks to the kitchen to search for the ingredients for chocolate cupcakes.

Photo credits: Terri Hatcher with a hatched up face: the Internet coughed it up when I searched for "bad makeup", monkey cakes: clevercupcakes on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

The Girl with Two Heads Jumped the Couch on a Bike!

Summer is heating up again down here in Texas just as the kiddos have about another week of freedom from their respective prisons. Most of the teachers report for incarceration today.

It's been a wild and crazy summer. Da Old Man Joe helped out the medical and insurance industries by spending way too much time in the hospital and rehab and Chelle has apparently been nibbled on by a zombie and requires brain surgery. So what's a friendly and helpful geek to do for her blogging buddies during these tough times?

I'm glad you asked. Since Crotchety's couch was destroyed or maybe I should say sacrificed during the process of getting needed medical attention (for him, not the couch), I started saving up my pennies and was able to find another couch at a great price:


Joe, it will ship Monday. I think the shipper is something called Allied Waste Services.


As for Chelle, well, I think that all she needs is a spare head. That's right. Just in case the zombies take too much out of the one she currently has:


Chelle is scheduled for surgery to append the extra head on Thursday. I'm a little concerned. Something seems to have happened to her suntan.


Oh wait. Isn't this blog supposed to be about me?

Of course it is.

I've started shopping for dikes. I googled but the results didn't show anything with wheels. I was rather embarrassed at what Google showed me. Um....I just don't think geological formations, dams, and.....er....

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes?

I think you mean bike, B-I-K-E. Are you dyslexic or something?

Oh wow. Mayde.


OK. Let me try the Google again. T-R-I-A-T-H-L-O-N B-I-K-E-S

Phew. Much better.

Now this one would be nice:



But I'm a little short on pennies so maybe I can find something like this that reminds me of my first bike:



Most likely this is what I'll be able to afford:


I'll pass on the lock.


Photo credits: flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar): couch: awhyzip, 2heads: Mooi, big wheel: srossi, banana bike: Here in Van Nuys
Tri-bike: online biking retailer

When You Think It Can't Be More Bizarre..

Remember the zebra that moved in close by? I know that I promised you pictures but since I made that promise, I have not seen Mr. Stripey. A few days ago, I noticed a flyer posted on neighboring mailboxes indicating that Mr. Stripey has gone missing.

Zebra stew? New coat for Christmas? WT huh?

My aunt contracted viral meningitis and encephalitis, probably from a mosquito bite she received here in Texas (home). She's been in the hospital in Denver, where she had traveled to do some genealogical research. She is headed home today although she is very weak. She will have to go into a rehab facility. And you think weird stuff happens to me?

After two trips to the ER did not identify what was wrong with my aunt, my cousin (her son), the doctor, flew to Denver and admitted her to the hospital and ordered the appropriate tests. Apparently, this ER is not where you want to be when you are deathly ill.

But wait. There's more. My cousin's twin brother's doctor died. This doctor was on the same flight to Denver as my aunt. This doctor was in his 40's. He had a heart attack. Unfortunately, this leaves my cousin without his meds. Um, not a good thing.

Another doctor in the Denver hospital died of a heart attack this week. This doctor was in his 40's. Oh, my. Weird. Really Weird.

Oh, and BTW, please do not go crazy and come into the gym where I work with a gun. 'K? I kind of like myself without holes from gunshot wounds.

In case you have not had enough bizarre:

What the holy heck? I'm clueless.

To sum up the tidbits of my bizarre week:

• Don't have striped skin.
• Don't go outside.
• Don't go to the hospital in Denver.
• Don't be a male in your 40's with a stressful job.
• Don't be a fitness instructor.

Oh, wait.

CRAP!

What kind of bizarre things have happened to your or yours this week?

Photo credit: bowl of legs: dheinen on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

Looking for the Mother Ship

Hubby is NOT writing this post so I survived the weekend at the lodge in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, it IS in the middle of nowhere. It's close to Stephenville, TX, where, if you remember, there was some *mysterious activity up there in the sky about a year and a half ago. When we were outside at night, my eyes were searching the sky and I was looking for the Mother Ship weather balloons.

(click to enlarge)

Saturday night, some local astronomers brought out big fancy telescopes. I didn't see the Mother Ship weather balloons but I did see a beautiful big orange ball. That's right. We like to thank Houston and the prevailing seasonal southerly winds for the pollution that makes the moon orange when it's close to the horizon. While looking through the telescope at the orange blob of cheese, I saw the craters and then I saw something really amazing.

What, ReformingGeek, what?

A couple of guys where climbing out of one of the craters. Wow!

Really?

No, of course not. You folks sure are so gullible. SHEESH!

The excitement of the weekend besides delicious food in the dining room was my little walk on the nature trail that had more than its share of gravel. I have discovered the purpose of all that cushy stuff on our backsides. That's right. Cushioning. When you slip on the loose rocks going downhill.....er...when the effects of gravity and loose rock cause you to slip....er.... when gravel snakes reach up and grab you, you fall on your cushy buns and with the help of your hands, you injure your pride and not much more. Nobody saw me fall and the vultures stopped circling once I got back on my feet and wiped away my tears sweat.

But enough of that. I did hear that someone almost wrecked their ATV on those loose rock/gravel-covered hills on the not-so-lame nature trail.

I didn't even see a rattlesnake, water moccasin, bobcat, coyote or even a chupacabra. Sheesh! What a wasted weekend.

Saturday, we noticed that an ambulance was assigned to the lodge for the day. That's not surprising. With lots of kiddies, distracted parents, and folks that are old enough to be grandparents around, STUFF happens. Fortunately, I don't think the paramedics got to do much besides stay in their air-conditioned vehicle and make occasional trips inside the buildings for water in/water out breaks! I did see them casting a jealous eye on the swimming pool a few times.

I spent most of the day at the pool and my face is an advertisement for Mary Kay. Yes. Pink. I also have some pink interfering with my runner's tan. I'm starting to look like a zebra. At least Hubby and I match.

Anywhatsit, a fun time was had by all.

Now for the news:

OK. I FINALLY did it. I signed up for a triathlon. It's in October and the swimming will be in an indoor pool. I THINK that's a good thing. We'll see. Since there will be a 12 mile bike ride, I guess I really do need to get a bicycle.

I'm insane.

*This is just one of many news articles. Personally, I don't think it was the aliens although that would be a good place to practice maneuvers. You can go for miles and not see a soul. I think this area would also be a good place for a zombie staging area.

Photo credit: weather balloons: stephenvillelights.com

More Stuff You Didn't Want to Know

Just for shits and giggles...er.....I mean sheets and gaggles....um... maybe it's shirts and goggles....

ReformingGeek?

Yes?

IT DOESN'T MATTER. GET ON WITH IT!

Ok.

I'm sharing with you today. That's right. After summer camp and all that Kumbayah togetherness, I'm opening up my heart and bearing all the geeky weirdness for your pointing and laughing pleasure.

Crazy Things That Have Happened To Me:
(If you want the "good stuff", you'll have to read this post.)

• I broke my leg on a swingset when I was four. I stuck my foot in the slat of the swinging carriage. The carriage swung. My leg didn't. Mom freaked out, of course. One hospital trip later, I had a fresh new cast on my leg. I learned to scoot around on my booty and I'm sure I could still beat up my little brother with my other leg, two arms, and a plastic baseball bat.
  

• I had those silly little pajamas with feet when I was a kid. Mom reminded me recently that I wore them backwards so they were all twisted around. No wonder I was complaining about how uncomfortable they were.

• My first boyfriend (that I can remember) was six-year-old Bruce. I was 10. Ha! Kidding. I was also six and I don't think he knew I was his girlfriend.

• I had to wear braces twice as a pre-teen/teen. I don't think they really knew what they were doing way back then when we traveled to and from the orthodontist in our 1970 Ford Country Squire station wagon. (Yep. That's one in the picture. Ours was green, though.)

• When I was about 10, I leaned against a sharp brick at a neighbor's house and ended up with stitches in my shoulder.

• I have broken my left wrist twice, both times falling forward and becoming one with the ground. Apparently, the ground did not find me worthy.

• Now for the deep stuff. Get your shovels handy. I am a firm believer in the following but let's just say they are often only aspirations. You will notice that my evil twin could not leave me alone while I was typing:

1. Get over yourself.

What? No. That's just not possible. My blog. My blog.

2. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Bah Humbug.

3. Live in the present.
Dwelling on past events or always waiting for some future event isn't the key to happiness?

4. Let go of judgment; judgment of yourself and of others.
But. But. Wait. That can't be right.

5. Smile, laugh, and do something nice for somebody else every day.
You mean like telling your friend they have a hanging booger or spinach in their teeth? Or maybe not telling them? Hehe. I am very confused about this one.

6. OK.OK. At least do something nice for yourself every day.

Sheesh! That's enough of that. I'll leave you with this little "joke" I found in a recent email:

"I was walking down the road today and saw my roofer/template-author Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fu@#$ start?."

Now, where's my wine?

This weekend I will be at an event sponsored by Hubby's work, so unfortunately, no blog fodder. That is, unless I do something especially geeky and/or goofy which almost never happens.

I wish.

Photo credit: station wagon: desertm@worldnet.att.net

Am I Evolving or Revolving, or Maybe Just Twisted?

Something has come over me. A strange, terrifying, yet exhilarating sensation. I'm starting to look at people differently. Friends and loved ones have noticed that I've developed a most annoying habit of invading their intimate space and making sniffing noises with my nose. Ummmm, the aroma makes my mouth water.

So what has happened to this geek?

It may have something to do with this:


It's understandable why I like roasting bloggers.

Pass the salt, please.

My BBFF (Best Blogging Friend Forever), Quirkyloon, has given me this special award. She made it from scratch (pun intended). I am very honored. In her post, she alluded that I may not really be a reforming geek. GASP! She explained that I am a running geek and that I am starting to have an unnatural relationship with a swimming pool. She's right. I actually watched a swimming video last week. Little did she know that the award would trigger the metamorphosis I'm experiencing.

Thank you, Quirky, you funny girl and juiciest loon of them all.


This next award was given to me by another crazy lady, Hit40 from Sane Without Drugs.


She may be more nuts than I am but that's debatable or maybe she is just delectable?

Are there brains in that cup? Please pass me that cream sauce, 'K?

Thank you, Hit40. I will be passing this one on to a few of the ladies that visit here often and leave tips although I think Hubby or Cat may have their hands in the tip jar. When I go there to get my lunch money, it's empty. Hum....

Anywhatsit, ladies, you have lovely blogs (and you smell good, too). Please enjoy your award:

Skye
Sue
Quirkyloon
Mama-face

Don't worry, guys. I'll find something for you one of these days!

But wait. There's more. I have to show you something that is making me smile. My friend gave me some cannas last fall and this one took mercy on me and actually bloomed, just this week. I'm thrilled!


And, no, I did not eat my friend.....yet.

Photo credit: blooming canna: ReformingGeek, pre-zombie.