Let's Get this Season Started

Thanksgiving: PASS

So what's next?

Did you say Christmas?

Well, yeah, but I'll get to that later.

It's time to get my act together for the winter racing season. That's right. See Dick run. See Jane run. See Dick and Jane.....

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes?

Behave.

Dang.

What I'm trying to discuss is running. It's time for me to pick up the mileage and get ready for Cowtown 2010 in February. I'm planning on doing another half marathon. Finishing medal #2 of 5 has my name on it.

Well, not really, but it is part of a 5 piece set. I got the first one last year. These people know how to make money. If you miss a year, you can still order a "commemorative" medal for your collection.

Hum......ReformingGeek's brain is making clicking noises...



Anywhatsit, I told Hubby I was going to the park to run 8 miles. I offered him the opportunity of bringing his bike and riding circles around me screaming "Faster, Faster" but he declined. So what did he do instead?

He watched a movie. If you say anything about how he had time to watch a movie while I ran, I will throw something at you.

ReformingGeek sticks out tongue.

Sometimes, my evil twin makes appearances when I'm running.

We've had some nice weather lately and there were lots of folks at the park, including clueless kiddos on bikes. One of them passed me on his bike, giving me about six inches of space and then proceeded to stop right in front of me. AAAAAARRRRRGGGH!!!! Did this child not understand the laws of physics? I put my arm out to brace myself and it landed on his back. The poor thing probably thought I was shoving him. Evil Twin scolded him trying to quickly explain that one cannot do that and expect to survive.

ReformingGeek scolded me
and threw my bicycle in the creek.

No I didn't. Really. That's not even the same kid. He's too young to be on a bike. Sheesh!

Let's move on to Christmas, and yes, I'm OK with calling it Christmas. My friend and I went to see Santa. I know it's early but we were hoping to avoid the long lines. We sat in his lap and asked for stylish clothing and adult-sized bodies with boobies:


I can't wait to open gifts at Christmas this year...

Photo credits: sad child, theFrazers on flicker.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Santa's lap: Facebook application sponsored by RadioShack, Running Reffie, White Rock 15K July 2009

Survival of the Fattest

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, even those of you from Canada. You celebrated back in October and we barely noticed. You didn't complain. Apparently, you Canadians are much more civilized.

Hum....maybe you have us fooled. Perhaps you are plotting a takeover. Is it because you'd like better choices for Mexican food and a few more warmer days?


Thanksgiving not only brings copious amounts of yummy body-expanding foods, it gives us the tradition of FOOTBALL. What else are you supposed to fall asleep doing but watching football? Our local professional team, the Dallas Cowboys, who usually pull a win out their a**holes, have done that again, this time winning their division.


Yeehaw and whatever. I used to love the Cowboys back in the Tom Landry days. He was a class act and so were many of the players. Now days? Not so much.

College football is also big, of course. Two of the infamous Texas teams, The Aggies (Texas A&M) and the The Longhorns (University of Texas) traditionally play on Thanksgiving. I have friends from the Always-the-Butt-of-the-Joke cult and from the Big-Cow-with-Long-Head-Ornaments cult so I get to play both sides. Yes, they are cults. These people never get over it, especially if they were Aggies.

As for our Thanksgiving meal, the pumpkin pie was conquered and put in its place. We ate the entire pie in one sitting. TAKE THAT, MR. SNOTTY PUMPKIN PIE!






Did I say waist-and-hip-expanding foods were consumed?

Hubby just found this picture of me on the Internets:


I think I'd better go for another run.

I'm not sure what Kitty ate but WT-Fur?

What? Iz not fat.
It's extra skin....er...hair.

Happy Black Friday. May you not stand in lines or get punched by crazed parents wanting the latest fad toy. The highlight of my shopping day may be a trip to Home Depot.

Yeehaw.

Photo credits: Fat lady: Gonzalo Fernandez, Fat cat: Pamcash, flickr.com Creative Commons license

Food with an Attitude Still Gets Eaten

Hubby is not overly fond of turkey. Me? I love it but I also love Hubby's family's tradition of Mexican food on Thanksgiving or Christmas or just about any time.

Over the last few years, our combined families have tried to alternate between the pilgrim traditional and the Hubby traditional. Here's the menu for this year's celebration at the Geek household:

• Spanish Spare Ribs (It's almost like a stew: pork with Mexican seasonings, prepared by RG)
• Spanish Rice (Sister-in-law makes from scratch)
• Flautas/Taquitos (homemade by RG)
• Pinto Beans (loaded up with plenty of gas for our farting pleasure)
• Tamales (Mom is bringing these. I don't really want to know where these come from....)
• Guacamole (Wait. Green stuff? Uh oh.)
• Chips and Salsa (duh)
  
• Spiced Pecans (Nuts for the nutty, pecans with a sugar and cinnamon glaze)
  
• Pumpkin Pie (RG is trying a new recipe. Wish her luck.)
  

Oops. Did I say Pumpkin Pie?

I did, didn't I?

I just couldn't resist stealing from the pilgrim tradition.

There's a problem, of course. The Pumpkin Pie has developed a bit of an attitude and is complaining about being on the menu with what he described as "pond scum". I tried to explain that none of the food swims therefore it couldn't be from a pond. I still don't think he understood. I'm not sure I do either.

Reforming Geek sighs in frustration with Pumpkin Pie's snotty attitude.

Wait. Does this pie know my cat?

I countered with offers that his beautiful orange color will be the centerpiece of our meal, telling him that he is certainly the sweetest dish and is a true reflection of the season.

He called me a liar and threatened to hurl himself out of the oven onto the floor. I told him that he'd better clean up his act or I'll tell him where he really comes from:


If the menu caught your interest and you'll be crashing my party, be prepared. I need help with the dishes and there are leaves to rake. That's right. The tree poop (leaves, twigs and other detritus) has taken over again out here. You can have some pie after you finish the work.

Have a great holiday. Be thankful, healthy, happy, and, of course, humorous!

Photo: I'm so thankful for friends that send me Email.

Injustice is Only a Few FLUSHES Away

I put on my best "unhappy" face and have another injustice for you today. Actually, it's a rant but work with me here.

You have Facebook and Jacki to thank for the idea. She sent me a "note" on Facebook and requested that the responses make her laugh. I gave it my best shot on Facebook but decided to revamp it a bit for you guys.





It's simple. It's a template for an open letter:

Dear _______,
I ____ you.
You have a nice ______.
You make my/me_______.
You are a _________.
You should _______.
Someday I will ______.
You + me = ________.
If I saw you on the street I'd __________.
I want to ________ you.
I would build a _______ just for you.
If I could sing you any song it would be _________.
We should __________ under the stars.

Love, (or From)
_______________

(P.S. ______________.)

I can see some of you frothing at the mouth but, no, I didn't let my mind go to the gutter. It only made it as far as the bathroom:

Dear Low-Volume Toilet,

I loathe you.

You do have a nice shine.
But you make me waste my time.

You are a cold-hearted miser.
You should be replaced by a commode much wiser.

Someday I will conquer you.

You + me = aggravation.

If I saw you on the street I'd crack your shiny armor with my pickup truck.

I want to have more respect for you.
I would build a bathroom just for you.

If I could sing you any song it would be You're So Vain (you probably think this poem is about you..).

We should never ever meet under the stars.

Yours in frustration, ReformingGeek

(P.S. I'm going to go flush you again. Let's look like something actually happened this time, 'K?)

Have a great weekend and it's still not too late to get some help bringing home the bacon....er....turkey this weekend:


Photo: Baby with ax: "Bad Parents" email sailing around the Internets.

Injustice is Only a Few Ticks Away

I can't believe there is so much injustice in the world. Maybe that's why Humor Bloggers Dot Com has declared this month to make fun of injustice in any way we possibly can. That's why I'm back to do my part and no, today's topic is not about those blood-sucking mini-vampires that attack warm, moist, hairy bodies in the summer time.

Hum...It was warm here last week.

Excuse me while I go do a body check.


OK. All clear. Back to the post.


I'm referring to my poor neglected timepiece. That's right. My watch. I used to wear Miss Minnie all the time but since she stopped ticking and only shows the correct time twice a day, I stopped wearing. I haven't missed her much. Around the house I use my oven clock or the computer clock or even the clock on one of several telephones.

In a geek perfect world, all the house clocks would be synchronized. But they're not. Not even close. I think we have one thermostat clock that is about 20 minutes off. Note to self: FIX THAT TODAY.

In the car, there's a clock. At the gym, clocks, clocks everywhere, and, no, none of them are reporting the same time.


That reminds me of a group activity that we did as part of a beginning fitness instructor training class. We had to draw a picture of the perfect instructor. Everyone always drew her/him wearing a watch because we all knew that good instructors wore watches to make sure they accurately start and end class. This is in the old days before you could say "What time is it?" and a handheld device would answer you back.

ReformingGeek yawns in memory of that particular training class.

What else did we draw on that poor model? I'm glad you asked. We drew the hair pulled back out of the face and the model was wearing appropriate clothing and shoes. (Sorry guys, no boobs popping out.)

I'll take a guess at what some of you guys would draw on a female instructor model: Revealing clothing and..... Forget that. She would be nude with big boobs and voluptuous curves. The ladies would show the guy model with six-pack abs and striking a sexy pose, right?

I cheated and substituted the following photo for my instructor model:


I was pulled aside for a little chat. Sigh. I had to conform. Now THAT was an injustice.

As for my lonely timepiece, I could get a new battery for Ms. Minnie but I think I need a LARGE PRINT version. DANG! That's another injustice.

It never stops....tick, tick, tick.

Photo: Will Smith and Ms Minnie were coughed up by the magic of the Google.

Don't Blame the Dog

A friend sent me an email awhile back. It was a series of photos and the subject was "what chefs do when they're bored". As I started looking through the photos, I realized that most of the food items tend to be a little bit on the....er.....gassy side. That's when my mind went back to junior high and how someone on the bus nearly always farted on the way to school and then to how animals are truly masters at passing gas.

I sure do wish THAT school bus memory would fade away. There was always a mean guy at the back of the bus accusing everyone else of farting. Now that I think about it, he was probably the one doing the farting.

My thinking went downhill from there. Please join me in some silliness. What if the chefs were really thinking about bathroom humor when they did these carvings? The captions might look a bit like this:

Mo-om! Davey is blowing bubbles out his butt again!

We fart in your general direction.

I smell frog. Sheesh! Did one of you eat a
frog from the previous photo?

Eventually, we will evolve and be able to fly.
Here's how you poop on cars.

OOPS! I just crapped my pants.

Next time, take the purple pill before you eat, OK?

I feel much better now. Thanks for letting me get that out of my system (yeah, pun intended).

Cat joins ReformingGeek on couch, rubs face against gray lap beast, curls up, and closes eyes..

DANG! What IS that smell?

Oh. Thanks, Cat.

Photos: Photos of artwork from bored, gassy chefs digesting in the innards of Al Gore's massive Internets.

Injustice Exposed: And the Password Is...

Thanks to all of you that commented on my Veterans Day post. What a great response and shout out for veterans. Now I must look for some funny. I love to laugh but one can only look at so many cute animal pictures and watch so much Big Bang Theory and 2.5 Men and a Baby.

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes.

That's not the name of the show.

I know. I'm trying to make a joke. Would you just laugh already?


Do you ever feel you are on the outside looking for the inside? Are you wanting to know how to fit in or are you figuring out if you even care about finding your niche in life? Everyone else is a member of some special "club" and you are....er....well.....just you.

Well?

This post will answer none of those questions.

As part of the fight against injustice, I've joined forces with Humor Bloggers Dot Com to expose the greatest criminal organizations in the history of our country.

That's right. I've discovered that this country is full of secret societies and they all have some special means of communication that is baffling to the common geek:

1. Country Folk.

When you live in the country, and you encounter a neighbor while driving, you give "the country wave", a full wave if you're a plebe or a slight head nod or finger lift if you're an oldie.
That's right. A secret sign letting everyone know you're part of the club, just like them.

Wait. What club? I'm a little scared. I just watched the pilot of the new (new old show) V and we all now that there are zombies out there.


2. Jeep owners.

Apparently, all jeep owners have to wave or nod to each other while on the road. Hubby says "It's a Jeep thing. You wouldn't understand." Yeah, right. I think he stole that from a bumper sticker. Jeep owners seem to be part of a club that supports the tow truck industry.



3. Shrunken Car Red Hat Society.

Theses are the folks that drive Smart Cars and wear red hats.

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes.

Were they wearing purple with their red hats?

Oh, PU-LEASE! They weren't wearing red hats, OK? I'm just kidding. Let me get on with it, OK?

Anywho, these drivers are out of proportion compared to their cars, appearing as giants in too-small prisons. They look like they should be pushing those things around a Hot Wheels track. Not only do these folks wave or nod, they toot. No, I'm not talking about passing gas. They honk their horns at the other Smart Car drivers.

What the noise? They need to get over themselves before my mid-size SUV runs over them. What club are they in anyway? Some kind of hive? Are these just the scout cars I'm seeing?


4. The Masons

I have no clue. Like I said, it's a secret. I have no idea what these folks do behind closed doors. Maybe they try on women's underwear and take photos for Facebook.

Kidding. Kidding. Please do not throw mason jars at me, OK?

Yeah, I know that was bad.

5. Tree huggers.

Oh, wait. I should know this secret. I like trees and cute little animals and yoga, but I apparently didn't stand in the correct line to get the sign. I don't wear a turban, carry a PETA sign, or go around bowing and saying "Namaste" to everyone I meet.

Oh,well. I'm just a square geek in a round world.

**Sighs**

The injustice of it all.

Photo: The Internets coughed it up when I typed the secret code into the Google.

The Injustice of Life and Death

I'd like to take a little break from snarcasm and humor today. I feel moved to do more than just "think" about our veterans today. Last week has shown us that the ultimate sacrifice does not have to be far from home. I'm sure you have heard what happened in Fort Hood, Texas, last Thursday. It breaks my heart that someone would harm other soldiers and civilians serving a country that has given us so much.

No matter how you feel about the current administration or even if you think the country is going to Hell in a Hand Basket, please be grateful today, if only for a moment. In that moment, please honor those that have died for our country and find a soft spot in your heart for the families of those killed last week and for those that were injured.



If you have served in the military or are currently serving, please feel free to SHOUT IT OUT in the comments section today and a big Texas THANK YOU for your service.

***APPLAUSE***

Photo: Fort Hood, flag at half-mast, Photo Phiend on flickr.com, Creative Common license (see sidebar).

Geek's Guide to Nude Cruising

Did that title get your attention?

Do you think I went on a nude cruise?

Well......

**Sighs**

Alas, I did not but there was a ship docked in Cozumel that was rumored to be a "Clothing Optional" cruise. Hum....I don't think I'd want to sit down anywhere on that ship. Also, cruise lines make a small fortune selling you photos staged by their photographers. Can you imagine being one of the photographers on that particular cruise?

You didn't hear this from me but you might want to include the word "Miracle" in your youtube search....

Although we had some seriously party-hardy folks on our cruise, most of them were from Texas where beef and homemade pie is plentiful. The skin we saw was whatever was hanging out/over/around the swimwear and we were happy that the other pieces and parts were not visible.

To put it bluntly, most of our passengers qualify for a new website I'm designing. Surely you've heard of peopleofwalmart.com. If you have not, you must have a life or something. Anywho, you must go there but come back. There's more. My new site will be peopleofcarnival.com.

Oh, wait.

We had a cross-dresser on board (or maybe it was an East German swimmer from the 1980's). We think "he" was traveling with his mom. His photos displayed in the photo gallery were entertaining to say the least.


No, that wasn't him but I think that's the look he was attempting to put together.

Somehow we missed the triple margaritas at Senor Frogs in Cozumel. I'm still kicking myself although Hubby and I were enjoying ourselves at the beach with an open bar. Hubby had some Mexican beer but I was taking it easy. Yeah. I'm sure my Diet Coke was better than those margaritas. We met up with some of our travel companions coming out of Senor Frogs and they were weaving on dry land trying to make it back to the ship. It's a good thing the ship was "parked" just outside of the restaurant.


We visited a Mayan ruin. Apparently, one theory is that the Mayans sacrificed the winner of their sports competition along with a few kiddos and adult males here and there. I was standing next to one of our friends while we were looking at the sacrificial altar. I gave him my best evil look and told him he had been deemed worthy of sacrifice. I think I scared him and he was looking suspiciously at my backpack. Maybe he thought I had a knife.

Beware of geeks carrying packs near sacrificial altars in Mexico.


I wonder if any of the peddlers at the ruins have been reported missing?

If you've made it this far, you deserve a gold star or at least a pin shaped like the cruise ship. This next section tells you what you've known all along. There is STUPID everywhere.

On the next to last day of the cruise, the cruise director gives a debarkation talk informing guests how to get the Eff off his boat. That's not what he said but I think that's the general idea by the end of the cruise. Part of the presentation is the director's top 10 list of the craziest/most stupid questions guests have asked over the years. I love hearing these. I remembered eight and I threw in my own two cents.....of course!

1. Does the crew live on board?
[No. The helicopters deliver them every day.]

2. Is there a generator on board?
[No. We have a very long extension cord.]

3. What do you do with the ice sculptures once they melt?
[Um.....]

4. An older woman gets on an elevator, notices the cruise director, and asks him if this elevator is the one that goes to the front of the ship.
[Yeah, and the transporter room is around the corner.]

5. A group of older women were staring at the floor/deck indicators above the elevator. When the cruise director approached them to ask if they needed help, they asked "How the heck are we supposed to reach those buttons"?
[Um.....just push the up/down button that's in front of you, 'K?]

6. A guest asked the cruise director if the water in the pool is fresh or sea water. The director didn't think that was too bad until he answered the question with "It's sea water" and the guest responded "That must be why the water is so rough then".
[Um......could it be that the boat is MOVING?]

7. A guest called Guest Services and an employee answered the phone identifying herself by saying her name and her native country, "This is Joanna from South Africa". The guest hung up and when asked why later, the guest said "I was wondering how in the heck I got through to South Africa. I didn't want to pay for that call."
[Moan.]

8. A woman called Guest Services complaining that her microwave isn't working. The Guest Services agent was concerned that someone had somehow brought a microwave on board and called Security. Security goes to the woman's stateroom and when shown the "microwave", they discovered two pieces of pizza in the room safe.
[Oh. My. Gosh Dern It. Unbelievable.]

There you have it. Cruise ship antics. People are such easy fodder, aren't they?

Photo credits: Geek packing heat: ReformingGeek Hubby, Cross-dresser: some website, Mayan sacrificial alter: ReformingGeek.

Geek Girl Eats Weight in Cruise Ship

Howdy! I'm back and yes, my clothes feel a bit tighter today. We were surprised the ship was able to sail back from Mexico considering how much we ate over the last five days. Hubby enjoyed over five days of not having to yell, kick, or scream at the cat and I got to go to the beach! It doesn't get much better than that!

But that's not what this post is about.

Don't worry. There will be a post about our cruise ship and port of call antics coming soon. Here's something to tide you over. Hubby and I got a little silly with the cute little animals our Stateroom Attendant made for us:


If you guessed it was a monkey with a treat, riding an elephant guzzling a specialty drink, you would be right.

When we returned home this afternoon, we were greeted not only by GORGEOUS weather but by a special treat in our mailbox. No, we didn't have dog doo in our mail box although I did notice an increase in animal tracks near the mailbox. Hum.....

OK. I'll get back to the treat:


Yum! Yum! Yum! Skye sent me this granola all the way from Canada as a prize for winning her "name Skye's granola" contest. I plan on it disappearing soon. Thanks, Skye!

Oh, wait. Maybe I should hide it. Hubby just reminded me that the diet starts tomorrow.

What? You expected Cat to greet us and show excitement when we arrived? Um, no. He's outside looking for leftovers from meals caught by younger, faster cats.

I was also rewarded with another special treat. My pink rose bush exploded in giant blooms while we were gone. All I can say is WOW!



Now I have to get back to unpacking, laundry, and reading some of your posts. I will post an "Amateur Antics" cruise post soon.

Halloween: PASS, Now What?

It happens every year. All the hype getting read for Spook Day and then it's here. Then it's gone. Just like that. I know some of you are devising geek-worthy schemes to make the candy you stole from your kids last until Thanksgiving. Some of you gave up as your kids are too clever for you.

The rest of you are now honoring the porcelain throne because you couldn't stop eating the candy. Or maybe it was the adult beverages at the party you hosted. I hope you feel better soon because that mess from the party is probably starting to annoy you. You'd best get started on the cleaning.

Anywho, it's done. Finis. While you are recovering from your sugar highs and are hitting the gym to pay the piper, Hubby and I, and a group from his work, have made our way to Galveston, Texas, to sail away for a few days. Believe it or not, the Port of Galveston is still there, even after last summer's devastating Hurricane Ike.

We will spend most of our time gaining weight as there is never a shortage of food on these big ships. Looking for some warm sand and that big orange bright thing in the sky at the Mexico ports of call is also on the agenda. Hubby will try to avoid the "Best Belly Flop Contest" and I will refrain from playing Bingo in the cold, dark lounges where I'm sure the zombies hang out during the sessions. I never win anyway!

While I'm gone, please come to my house and mow my lawn and sweep the tree poop (leaves and other detritus dumped by our deciduous trees) off my driveway. I'll reward you with leftover Halloween candy or maybe I will give you a stray cat, possum, or raccoon or, if you do a craptaculous job, I'll send you a cheesy souvenir made by starving Mexican children.

Yeah, right.

Finally, to keep you in the spirit of the spending season that is now upon us, here's something that arrived in my Inbox this morning:


Decorating once. Sounds like a good idea to me!

If I'm able to get online while I'm gone, I'll try to drop by. Otherwise, I will check in with you later in the week when we return.

BTW, those tombstones were just a dream gone horribly wrong. No bloggers that I know of departed this world on Halloween.