Cattle, Piglets, and Dead Beasts

It's Friday. What to do this weekend?

Well...The Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo continues to attract goat-ropers, rednecks, and non-vegetarians for a couple more weeks. Also known as "The Fat Stock Show", it's not only a great place for meat-lovers to see huge animals that will eventually make great steaks but it almost always brings us a round of nasty weather.

Afterall, it IS January.

This year we have avoided the snow and/or ice but it's been raining way too much and my yard again resembles a lake. Please don't bring your personal water craft and attempt to entertain your inebriated self on my lawn this weekend.

Maybe I will pass on looking at well-fed warm smelly animals and queuing for freezing carnival rides. I will be way too busy doing my usual weekend activities of washing my hair, letting cat in and out, and doing Cat's laundry. I will need to take several rest breaks, of course, wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, watching the grass turn brown, or watching Matt Damon do something Bourne for the 100th time.

In other news this week...

I regret to inform you that my trusty Mac Powerbook purrs no more. It seems to have developed an allergy to power and is no longer able to receive and process any of this required elixir. It's been a good lap beast and I will miss its cool grey ambiance. I'm thinking of having it stuffed and mounted.

Dark is the new light.
RIP Grey Lap Beast.

Sigh.

Fortunately, we have an old boat anchor Dell that I'm using until Cat pays us his rent for the month.

Stay warm and dry out there and have a great weekend!

Let it Go with a Rant

Do you ever have one of those moments hours days weeks years.... Wait. Does your LIFE feel like you are detached but in the wrong way? The world is turning, people are following along, but you're hearing some other drummer and you're still off beat?

That's me. It's time for me to let go of a few recent irritations.

**Entering rant mode**

Is everyone on the road operating in slow motion or am I the only one with ALL SYSTEMS GO? Yeah, people, move it along. Yes, at least somewhere close to the speed limit. Can you do that for me today? Pretty please with sugar sopapilla with honey on it?

Dear Brain,

Where were you when I sent Hubby to the store to get mozzarella cheese for the lasagna only to leave it out?

Signed,
Fogged-Over Geek

Dear Laptop Battery,

What the flying flip do you mean "Battery Power Depleted" and then showing me a black screen followed by a cease and desist of all whirring? I am feeding you power. Yes, it's plugged in and the outlet is functioning.

Signed,
Geek Making Do Using Hubby's Computer

Dear Elderly Lady Behind Me at the Grocery Check-Out Line,

I'M NOT DONE YET. The mentally-challenged bagger is still bagging (yes, horribly, but he IS bagging). I'm still paying and I'm waiting on Hubby to return from the bread aisle, unharmed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and with an unholy loaf of bread. You can move your buggy back a little bit, K?

Please wipe that silly smile off your face. You look a bit like a clown and I'm not very fond of clowns.

Signed,

Crowded Geek

Dear Maintenance Guy with Plumber's Crack and Staff Member Accompanying You at the Gym,

The room is dark and full of ladies trying to wind their bodies into pretzels. I am instructing these ladies into a complicated yoga pose. Must you walk in and begin discussing potential punching bag repairs? Must you ignore me when I tolerate your conversation for awhile and then ask you to take it outside? I did say please.

One of you apologized and left but YOU proceeded to walk thru my class and survey the punching bag. OK. At least you shut up. Thanks for that.

Signed,
Intolerant Geek

Oh yeah. To the moron that stole the hair dryer from the gym: It's your fault that my hair looks like this today:

Dear Swifter Mop,

You are a smelly turd! You broke as I was just getting started. Yes, I know you are plastic and have lasted umpteen years but I'm in no mood to hear your excuses!

Signed,
ReformingGeek's Knees

Ok. Ok. Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly. One more time. Let. It. Go.

Ah, forget it.

CAT, QUIT PUTTING YOUR DEAD BIRDS IN THE EXTRACTOR AND BRING ME SOME CHOCOLATE!

Sigh.

Photo credit: hair: pindec on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

Today's Deals: For only $19.99...

Welcome, folks! I'm so excited to be here today. You are about to hear the greatest news and have the opportunity to be the first to purchase......

Questions, already?

OK. OK. OK. Let me explain a few things before I continue.

No, you won't speak a new language in two hours.

No, you don't have to join my religious group where we eat Tex-Mex food and fart by the campfire every Saturday evening.

No, you won't lose 120 pounds in four months.

No, your penis will large grow to inches 12 not.

No, your breast size will not increase by four cup sizes after applying our product.

Whoa. Wait a minute.....

DANG!

I digress. I'm trying to tell you that my opportunity is amazing. It has the potential for real change in our country.

I have solved our energy crises. We won't need Ahab's oil or the oil from the Alaskan Preserve. We won't need nuclear power. I'm so happy about this part. I'm tired of hearing folks butcher the pronunciation by calling it "nu-cu-ler".

I have invented the ultimate device. Energy creation will be immediate, clean, and renewable.

Without further adieu, here it is:

The PURR-EXTRACTOR 2010!


Just put a kitty in the collection chamber, close the lid, and press the button. Purr energy will be siphoned and sent immediately to your home's electrical system. When the lights dim, insert a new cat. When you're out of cats, grab your neighbor's cat or contact your local animal shelter.

But wait. There's more. Options for cat collection and a breeding farm start as low as $19.99.

I shall be rich.


Fine print:
- Silly blond woman misusing the device not included.
- Cats not included.

I wonder why Cat has been avoiding me lately.

Super-fine print:
-I think Evil Twin must have come up with this scheme. I would never hurt a kitty.

Brown Shoes are Good for Brown Pants Days

Something is terribly amiss here in Geekville. The fairer sex knows that women can never have too many clothes or pairs of shoes or belts, or purses.... You get the point. Just to be clear, by fairer sex, generally speaking, I'm referring to females.

I walked into the bedroom closet this morning (yes, I can actually see the floor and walk in) and discovered that Hubby has more shoes than me.

GASP!

Yes, this is a terrible tragedy.

I must have missed the shoe orgy, hot shoes all over each other, copulating like rabbits on Viagra. Several pairs of "work-out" shoes, numerous "office" shoes, shoes for messy jobs, and various casual shoes were obviously not practicing safe sex.

I noticed a predominant color amongst our collections.

Dark-brown.
Light-brown.
Reddish-brown.
Blackish-brown.
Tan-brown.
Brown-brown.

Ick.

Something must be done quickly to remedy this entire situation.

The first idea that came to mind was to sweetly ask Hubby to trim his collection but then I thought again. There is open space on the floor. I CAN BUY MORE SHOES!

Yes, that's it. This will surely solve the problem.

Does it matter that I don't need them?

I think not.

Doesn't every runner need at least four pairs of running shoes and at least two pairs for other sports like tennis, racquetball, cat juggling, or....er....fencing?

Definitely.

Surely I need some sexy shoes for those fancy events that I rarely attend.

Is it a problem that many of my shoes are brown and are supposed to be cushy instead of sexy?

Reffie's favorite pair of winter shoes,
cushy-comfy and oh, so very sexy....

YES. This is beyond horrible. Not only is this color boring but I'm showing my age, resorting to comfort over fashion. Has the brain fog clouded my middle-age brain hindering its ability for footwear frivolity?

Apparently.


I have a small, narrow foot that fits no shoe. Shoes that feel wonderful in the store morph into a different animal upon their debut in the real world.

I would love to have boots but I'm numb from trying them on, forever hopeful that something will fit. I'm betraying my native Texan status since I don't own a pair of cowboy boots.





Sigh.

I can see that this has come down to a fine whine. My humblest shoepologies. Please help me clear the brain fog by sending me your pretty, colorful shoes, size 6, narrow, or you can just leave me money in the comment box.

Thank you.

Photo credits: Geeky shoes: ReformingGeek, boots:Fran53 on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

Go Fish

We are gathered here today to pay our respects to Fish. That's right. Fish has departed this world for the great fish tank (or sturdy shelf) in the sky. Please pause for a moment of silence.

**Pausing**

**Snoring**

ALRIGHT! Enough pausing. You guys were waking the DEAD with that snoring.

Early Sunday morning, way before we could think about seeing dawn's butt crack, I heard a loud noise. The windows rattled and the house shook. Hubby didn't even wake up but I quickly remedied that situation as I jostled him alert, smiled sweetly, batted my eyelashes rubbed my eyes, and made him get up to look around.

He found nothing and was back asleep in no time. Me? I was wide-eyed for awhile, remembering the "boom" sounds the morning that the space shuttle exploded upon re-entry a few years back. It's crazy the thoughts that come to the mind in the middle of the night.

Anywhatsit, I finally got back to sleep and I remember dreaming in bold colors but it wasn't about puppies and rainbows. I checked the news the next morning to see if anything exploded overnight but there was nothing. I was pleased, of course, but remained curious as to what the heck caused the disturbance the night before.

Yesterday evening, I walked into the room Cat likes to call his own. On the floor, in several pieces, was Fish.


Its former home was on top of a desk. As you can see, Fish is/was big and we all know the bigger they are, they harder they fall. Poor Fish. He's not even worth his weight in sushi as this point.

What happened to cause Fish to jump?

Starvation? Isolation? A slight mishap with the meds?

Was it Cat with the midnight munchies?

Was it Mrs. White with the lead pipe?

Or maybe it was the vibrations of the black not-so-silent helicopters hovering outside of the window hoping to break-up Cat's secret meeting?



I'm totally at a loss (pun intended) here. You tell me.

May Fish rest in peace.

Thank you for attending today's service. Please leave money in the jar at the back. It's for my fish replacement fund the family.

Ahem.

Photo credits: Fish in pieces: ReformingGeek, Poker cats, Google

Blog-Off 2010: Criminal Intent

Thanks again to all of you that voted for me last week. I made it through to Round Two in Blog-Off 2010. I must beg you again to vote for me over at Knucklehead this week. Polls will open as soon as Knucklehead wakes up out there on the west coast and are open thru Wednesday. More information about the contest along with my first entry can be found here.

This week's topic is a childhood anecdote. It's supposed to be true....

***Clearing throat***

I'm spilling the beans today. I'm usually a nice person and reasonably well-behaved.

Uh oh. My other persona, Evil Twin, is giving me stink eye. I guess she's not agreeing with my opinion of myself.

I may have some people fooled. Others have taken off their rose-colored spectacles and are seeing a different side of me.

Uh oh. Hubby is starting to get a bit uncomfortable as he reads this post.

There was a time in my life when I feared I was developing into a hard core criminal. You may be surprised to learn that by age 13, I was a hoodlum. Keep reading for details of the shocking chain of events leading to my disgrace.

When I was one, my mother brought me a little brother. What the sibling and what do you mean it's not all about me anymore? I proceeded to become deathly ill in order to be the center of attention once again.

When I was four, I was sure I knew everything. I thought I could beat the laws of physics while playing with my mom and brother on the swing set. I was fussing at my brother when I heard the snap.

OUCH! I broke my leg. My brother laughed. I started thinking evil thoughts and this may have been the birth of the Evil Twin persona.

When I was five, I was tickling other kindergartners in the back seat of a car and I was pushed towards the door. I fell out at the next stop sign.

Things were quiet for awhile although there was an incident in the school library when I was eight. I have been sworn to secrecy on that one, though.

In general, I was a little munchkin with wild hair and buck teeth; thin, but not under-nourished. I wasn't very fast and was seldom able to dodge the ball or the bully. I got bored with the Brownies and Blue Birds after about five minutes.

At age 10, Mom spanked me for being sassy. It was the only whooping I ever received but it obviously damaged me for life.

Uh oh. Evil Twin is rolling her eyes.

Puberty in all its glory showed up early for me. I will spare you the details of WTFs when the Wicked Witch of the Aunt Flo visited at age 11. My BFF at the time was mad at me because she was already 12 and had not been visited.

I got the curse but not the boobies. I had to do something to get attention so I resorted to shameful behavior. That's right. I stuffed my bra and started saying DANG! and GOSH DERN IT! all the time.

I was SO cool! My BFF and I puffed a cigarette my dad through in the grass.

**Coughing**

Next came the braces for my teeth and I was sporting few curves here and there. I kissed a boy after church one day. Mom would have spanked me again had she known.

With the full force of hormones taking over at age 13, that's when it happened. I got into a shouting match with a boy in my class. He got in my face. I shoved him. He kicked me.

We got caught. He went to the boys' principal and got "licks". I had to go talk to the girls' principal but she did not punish me. I reminded her that I saw her outside of school last week kissing another woman.

Oops.

Yes, indeed. It begins. A hoodlum is born.

Tune in some other time to find out how I turned my life around.

Photo: Yeah. that's really me at about age six.

Week Ending - Pass Go and Collect a Cookie

Thanks to you wonderful bloggy friends I've made it to the second round of Blog-Off 2010. Our next post is due Sunday morning. Tune in and poke fun at my childhood. Afterall, everyone else did. ;-)

Until then, I give you permission to have an extended Happy Hour, starting now. I don't care what you drink, Diet Dr Pepper, Gatorade, Coffee, Warm Blood, etc. Drink whatever you need to help you survive this Artic blast. Wait. Isn't a "blast" supposed to be fun?

Liars. All of them. I always knew Mother Nature was a politician.

Have you noticed the lack of cheer in your fellow man lately? One might think Christmas is over and it's January. Many folks are starting diets and signing up for boot camp. Who am I fooling? I'm about to hit the gym myself. There is a bike and a swimming pool with my name on it. I will sit on the bike and sleep and grab a float for the pool. Just getting there is exercise, right?

I was evil. I made chocolate chip cookies. I labeled them "healthy" chocolate chip cookies since I made them with whole grains (whole wheat flour and oatmeal), reduced the sugar and fat and used organic chocolate chips and added pecans. Sheesh! They are almost calorie-free and believe it or not, they are extremely tasty once you break them up and scatter them over your ice cream.

Just kidding. They are yummy and I didn't have them with ice cream. I had the ice cream by itself.

Healthy cookies? Liars. All of them. I sound like a politician.

It was nice to be back in "the routine" this week but Fridays are always good. It's too cold, though. Anyone want to join me hitchhiking to Hawaii? Let me know if you have any ideas on crossing that big body of water. I don't think I could swim or float quite that far.

Wandering Donkeys

Thanks to all of you that voted for me over at Knucklehead's place as part of the Blog-Off 2010 competition. If you have not seen my entry, click here.


For those of you who have not voted, there's still time. Polls close at 6:00 PM Pacific time Wednesday. For those of you that voted for someone else other than yourself, well, um, you'd best be looking over your shoulder. After your read this post, you'll know why.


Today, I want to bore you tell you about an award that I have received. It's called a "bad ass" award and it's from CatLadyLarew.

I was a bit confused. I thought I was being told that my ass had misbehaved. I know what you're thinking.

Stop it.

What I mean is that I was thinking that this cute little guy had wandered off and was bothering cats.

But, no, that wasn't it.

I realized that "bad ass" means tough. Maybe she was throwing me in the habitat with this dude:

I eat geeks for high tea.

THAT was a scary thought.


Finally, I read her blog post and she explained that she created the award using a picture of a cat that you don't want to stroke and she awarded it to a few of her topless bloggy friends that talk back to her (leave comments).


I think this kitty was one of those poor unfortunate beasts that had to wear a Christmas costume or had an unfortunate and unwelcome encounter with a liquid.

Thanks for thinking of me, CatLady. I love the award. As expected, though, Cat hissed at it and Evil Twin's big head is about to explode.

Sigh.

Photo credits: bad dude: Don Van Dyke, donkey: Vistavision, flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

Blog-Off 2010: Deformation and Melted Snow

Welcome to Blog-Off 2010.

Reffie, what are you talking about?

It's a contest sponsored by The Knucklehead. Each week, you have the opportunity to vote for your favorite post (mine of course) over at his blog and each week the blogger with the fewest votes kicks the bucket is exterminated by Daleks is eliminated from the competition. The last one left standing wins. Be sure to check The Knucklehead's blog for more details and links to other contestants' posts.

Our first topic is a satirical piece about a current event. I struggled over this topic. Should I write about Health Care Deform? Um, no. Not without a bottle handy and I'm not referring to the kind you use to feed babies. As I start thinking about it, though, maybe this "bottle" could be the solution to our problems. Just think, easy access to antiseptic and anesthetic. What more do you need?


I didn't get very far with the Deform Bill so I focused on a different topic: Global Warming.


I've spent the last few weeks pouring over material I've found deep in the innards of Al Gore's Internet. I read through all the complicated calculations and lame postulations and narrowed it down to one simple solution.

You may be surprised to learn that it's not the pollution from our super-sized vehicles or the hairspray this woman needed before her boat ride that's poking a hole in the ozone layer and heating up Mother Earth.

It's flatulence, folks.


That's right. Plain and simple farts. Not only is ripping one unpleasant for those close to you, the heat from the fart raises the temperature in the air. Down here in Texas, we have a created a very large hole in our ozone layer because we love to eat beans. I'm sure you noticed how fast the snow melted down here!

If you have pets, you are a BIG part of the problem.

I submitted my detailed explanation for expert review. Mr. Gore contacted me personally to thank me for my ever-so-obvious solution and Mr. Oprah has flown in for a round of Kumbaya and gun melting around the campfire. Unfortunately, the fire didn't get very warm because he was unable to pry our guns away from us down here in Texas. After a round of smores, he gave me his hard-earned Peace Prize.

It looked like something out of the Cracker Jacks box.

As he left, I heard him whispering to his aids. I think he said "white coats" and "restraints". I'm glad he didn't say "Redcoats". Didn't they attack us at some point? As for the restraints, I'll pass. That sounds a bit kinky.

Yes, 2010 is off to a great start for me. Hubby has suggested a possible modification to my meds. Now I really must get back to my day, right after Cat and I finish our black-eyed peas and go outside to warm the earth.


If you enjoyed this fiery satirical piece, please vote me for over at The Knucklehead. Otherwise, I might be forced to empty that bottle in one big gulp.

What the heck. Just vote for me anyway.

Please and pretty sopapilla please with sugar on it.

Photo credits: Crazy hair: Hurricane Joost, flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Tequila - One of Reffie's prezzies, photo from Mr. Gore's Internet.

Reset, Start Again, Here's 2010

Welcome to the other side! That's right. I woke up this morning and 2010 had arrived. The evil villain from Star Trek had not inserted the red matter into the core of our planet vaporizing it and replacing it with a black hole. Yes, I've seen Star Trek a few times now and it always ends the same. Huh. Fancy that.

I love that movie.

I wonder if James T. Kirk is free tonight.

Back to last night. I "celebrated" the end of 2009 and the impending arrival of 2010. We watched movies, ate Mexican food, and drank a little beer. I looked at a friend's photos from their ski trip on Facebook. Then I started daydreaming about being on the ski slopes. I pictured myself making perfect 'S' turns down a challenging run. It looks so simple on TV and all the ski brochures show graceful skiers dancing thru powder like it's air. Um, no. THEY LIE! Also, my over-40 knees feel every bit of the terrain on bump slopes. OK. They feel it on every slope. Sheesh!

I immediately shifted gears. My daydream put me in a nice warm massaging spa. Ahhhh.

I'm not so sure about Cat this morning. He's still asleep upstairs somewhere. This is after curling up against me all evening while Hubby and I watched movies. Do cats do anything else besides sleep, eat, fart, and poop? Oh yeah. They whine. They know one word and the evil beasts can pronounce it in the most pathetic and/or annoying way to get your attention.

When I came downstairs this morning, my "holiday" amaryllis had opened up:



Ahhhhhh. Welcome to 2010. Blessings to you and your family.


Photos: ReformingGeek