A Hallowing Halloween Graveyard Visit

Welcome to the Humor Bloggers dot com Halloween Carnival [insert evil laugh here]. Besides being attacked by vampires and zombies this week, I've read some incredibly spooky ghost stories and a few hilarious poems. I'm starting to have nightmares from the poems.

I've got a little something up my sleeve today. Since I will be leaving town on Halloween, I borrowed a watch from *Dumbledore and programmed it to jump forward to next week so I could find out what happens on Halloween night. I somehow landed in a graveyard and this is what I saw:

• Hungry zombies. My Evil Twin fed them Cat. Poor kitty. I shall miss the whining, vacuum-stopping-up beastoid.

• Restless spirits. I'm fairly certain that one of them was Michael Jackson and another may have been my dad, carrying a roll of duct tape.
  

• Fresh graves. As I got a little closer, I noticed a common theme. Maybe you bloggers should be extra careful this week. **Sniff**
  

Oh no! Poor Otin:

Um....that's a little scary. Have you read his stories over at Wizard of Otin? If you go over there, leave the lights on while you read.


Around the corner, I saw this:

DANG! Not Meg from Prefers her Fantasy Life. I loved hearing about her fantasies and I never got a chance to roast her. I'm sure she would have been tasty.


Then I found this one and starting crying:

Uh oh. Poor Quirkster. She was my bestest blogging loon. I shall miss her.

Then I noticed her new neighbor:

YIKES! This is unbelievable. I remember Deb saying she didn't like cats. On the bright side, no more bad hair days up on the Maine coast.


Here's another one. Oh, this is really awful. Poor Mama-face.


PHEW! I'm glad that one was a false alarm. What an odd joke..... Never fear. She is still hard at work over at Blog Ignoramus.

I hope what I've seen doesn't come true. These are really great folks. Maybe it was just the stupid watch. I might have had better luck with the **Doctor's TARDIS!

*Harry and Hermione used the watch in The Prisoner of Azkaban. If you don't know what this is, it's possible that a zombie has already eaten part of your brain or you've been in a coma for the past ten years or you're a normal person... No, that can't be it.

**Doctor Who can time travel in this machine that looks like a British Telephone box. If you don't know what this is, it's possible a zombie has already eaten part of your brain or you have a life and don't watch British television... No, that can't be it.

Check out Humor Bloggers dot com for more Halloween fun this week!

Tombstones courtesy of Evil Twin and tombstonebuilder.com.

Tri Baby, Tri!

My very first triathlon is complete. Status: PASS

I'm already planning improvements for next year. Grab some caffeine and let me tell you all about it:

We gathered in the transition area at O'Dark-Thirty before Dawn had even thought about showing her butt crack. This is where were marked for target practice......er....I mean labeled with permanent markers. Yes. I still have the remnants of my race number on both arms and my age on my leg. No, I didn't get any pictures of my arms and legs.

That's my blue bike and the pirate wig is
at the bottom of the pile.

After setting up my bike and organizing my stuff for the race, standing in line to get my timing chip, and a quick pit stop, it was time to start the race.

The first event was swimming which is by far my weakest event. We had to swim 300 meters in an indoor pool. The lanes were 50 meters long and the course was like a snake. That is, you swim down the lane, cross under the rope and swim up the next lane, etc., until you either drown or finish the course.

OK. OK. There were some cutie lifeguards that looked about 10. They probably wouldn't have let me drown.

The "snake" course allows all swimmers to be going the same direction. The announcer said that if you encounter someone going the wrong way, you were welcome to "de-pants" them. Hum.....I'm not sure I would have had the energy to do that.

Because I estimated my swim time to be "forever and a year", I got a high race number. This meant that I was towards the end of the line to start the swim. It was almost an hour before I was in the pool. I was very happy that the water had warmed up because this pool is usually incredibly cold but I did get tired of waiting.

The most challenging part of the swim besides huffing and puffing and not being able to blow anything down, was all the other swimmers in the pool. It seemed likes someone was always trying to pass or I was needing to pass someone. I was doing all I could to make it from one end to the other. The shallowest water was 6'2" so it's not like I could stop and walk. I'll admit I took breaks at the end of the lanes.

Finally, it was done.

Biking: I jogged to the transition area, barefooted and wet, patted my hair a few times and sucked up some extra water from my swim wear. I put on my biking shirt, socks and shoes, sunglasses, helmet, grabbed my bike, and started the cycling segment. I was still dripping!
The bike route was up and down some long hills but I swear there was more up than down. Going up the last hill, I saw a poodle walking a lady and I really wanted to draft off that poodle.

As I was finishing the bike course, I saw several runners at the turnaround point. They were moving incredibly slow and some were walking. I'm thinking to myself, "Hum....why are they moving so slow? I won't have that problem...". Then I finished the biking event.

BAWAHAHAHAHAHA! I had to eat humble pie! By the time I got off my bike, my legs were barely moving and it was surprisingly hard to breathe! I have actually practiced this transition and noticed the noodle legs but my practice ride was not as long or hilly. I was very happy to get off that bike!

Back in the transition area, I took off my helmet and put on my pirate costume, including the wig, and started running. I had already pinned my racing number to my costume. The run: I provided entertainment for the other runners and volunteers. They seem to enjoy the red-headed pirate that looked like she was running through cheesecake. The run was uneventful otherwise.

I finished and really, really wanted to puke. No really. But I didn't. Then I realized that somehow I had missed the pancakes. Holy Pathetic Pancake for a Pirate! What's up with that?

Yea! My medal:

Mr. Pumpkin wears my medal.
It says Monster Triathlon Finisher. No really.

Ms. Pumpkin has been pumping some iron.
Look at those shoulders!

When I returned home, I found that our house had been given a "Halloween Chain Letter". The instructions indicate to post the sign that indicates that you have been given the treats and to secretly provide treats for two other neighbors. Hum.....I think I will accidentally forget to post my sign and hope that other neighbors give me more treats.

Um...ReformingGeek?

Yes?

That sounds like something I would do. Good for you. You're learning.

Photos: Race photos NOT taken by still sleeping ReformingGeek Hubby. Medal photos staged and photographed by ReformingGeek pretending to be a fashion designer.

FrankenFace and Fall

After seeing several funny youtube videos poking fun at how people use Facebook, I've decided to add my two cents.

BTW, I found this little skit on youtube and it made me giggle. Enjoy.

"I didn't know that..."

Getting back to my four cents (inflation, OK?), FrankenFacebook (Halloween, OK?) can be fun but it's just a tool. Keep in mind that some people may not appreciate your sensationalist videos, bible verse of the every day, your lost brown cows in Farmville, the 1000th picture of Little Johnny, the exciting adventures of your cat (um....sorry), and your excessive use of poking, quizzes, opinion polls, and games.

Now. Let's flip it around. If you're the one offended, don't be. Your friends are using the tool in a way that they find entertaining or meaningful to them. Deal with it. Applications can be hidden and friends can be filtered, if you are seriously bothered.

Does anyone else think it's weird to get a friend request from someone you have not met? I'm not talking about other bloggers that you keep in touch with but people who found you through a fan page, group, or place of employment and you've never met them.

Also, what is your strangest Facebook moment?

Mine is connecting with a girl that graduated from high school with me but I barely remember her from high school. She was one of my close friends from elementary school in a different city. I lost contact with her once we moved. Now I'm getting a little scared. She has threatened to post photos of me from third grade. Now that's something scary.

ReformingGeek zones out for a moment....


Oh, you're still there? Sorry, I had to stalk check Facebook. I'm back now.

Moving on....

The sun is finally out and the weekend is beautiful. I thought I would grab a few garden photos before Mother Nature strikes again.

Pink rose bush blooming like crazy

Orange mums showing off

Please excuse the messy yard and the poor pansies were beat to smithereens (smither what?) during the last torrential downpour. Mowing is on the list somewhere between sharpen saw and find a bowl for the eyeballs. You do know that Halloween is next Saturday?

Check back next week for triathlon craziness (assuming I survive) and some Halloween carnival fun!

Wordless WTF and Wet Wednesday

Wordless? Ha! You should know by now. That's just not possible.

Oh look! We really do have fall color in Texas:

Yes, it's raining.

Also, it's been raining cats and dogs, ducks and frogs, all day, and more is expected. When it rains this much, part of my front yard looks like this:

Lake Geek, somewhere in north Texas

The cats are hissing, the dogs stink, the ducks want to set-up housekeeping, and the frogs are hopping around looking for umbrellas.

My cat is beside himself with frustration. Out to the garage, whine. Back inside, whine. Go upstairs for five minutes, whine. It doesn't help that I slammed the door on his face last week. (He tries to sneak in when doors open and he just never learns.) I feel so guilty.

Yeah, right.

Now for the WTF: Is anyone watching Heroes this year? Does anyone just want to slap Claire and her college co-ed silliness? What about House? I've always thought Chase was a whiner. Now it's getting really annoying. Mythbusters? Sheesh! Is she going to have the kid during the next explosion?

Forget all that. I think I see the sky getting brighter and there are some lonely cookie ingredients and a swimming session calling my name. I see a door opening and a black & white Tuxedo cat flying through it to the outside world. Yippee and a Big Texas YeeHaw! Life is grand.

Three Times a Crazy Lady

I've got one more week until my first triathlon. Besides being able to actually swim, cycle, and run, I probably need to figure out how to transition from swimming to biking and from biking to running. Yes, I've seen the videos on youtube (geek, Geek, GEEK) but I've decided to practice here with you guys here in good ol' Blogville:

The first part of the race is the swimming. Fortunately, this event will be inside in a pool that Michael Phelps could leap in a single bound. The issue is that I don't swim like Michael Phelps.

RG, you should grow some gills but if that doesn't work out, DO NOT breathe the water when coming up for air. Remember you can always grab the side and gasp loudly for air between laps. Just don't puke OK?

Once I emerge from the swimming pool with all limbs attached and functioning, I will need to hustle to the transition area and find my bike:

Where's Waldo's bike?

Then it's time to remove the swimsuit.

Um,wait. Let me try that again. Actually, I'll remove my top layer of swimwear and put on this:

AARGGGHH!

Where's the pirate geek?

That's right. Costumes are allowed and encouraged. Hum...this costume needs a sword or something. I wonder if weapons are allowed.

How are you going to get your helmet on over that fluffy red thing? You might want to save the wig for the run, Sweetie.

Prior to the race, my shoes and socks will be in front of my bike ready to go. My water bottle will be on the bike and my GU (nutrition) taped to the handlebars. My sunglasses will be inside my helmet and the helmet on the handlebars.

It's time to get going.

You need to figure out how to apply lipstick while biking. If you had been one of those girls that put on her makeup in the car while driving to and from school/work, this would be easy for you!

After finishing the biking portion of the race, again, with all limbs in place and functioning, and preferably without any road rash, I'll park the bike in the transition area, TAKE OFF MY HELMET, and start running.

You need to have a talk with your legs prior to finishing the biking part of the race. Talk sweetly and tell them how wonderful they are, how well they've done so far, and how you really need them to function once you start running. I sure hope your legs listen better than your cat does.

OK. I think that's about it. Now I'm hoping for good weather!

Hum...if the weather's bad, just roll over and go back to sleep, 'K?

Photo credits: transition area: ditr05_0012 on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), pirate geek: Hubby

A Snarky Chat with the Geek Girl - Part 2

What's up, RG?

Oprah's here at the State Fair of Texas over in not-Fort Worth.

Do you mean Dallas?

Um, OK. Yeah. Dallas. Oprah ate the Fried Butter and exploded into a million pieces while riding the Ferris Wheel.

Oh dear. That sounds awful. Was anyone hurt?

I think a few of the patrons were splashed and a few were impaled. It was nothing serious. Bleh.

Um....let's move on. How's Hubby?

Lemme think....Oh yeah. He had a birthday Monday and I wrote a poem for him. FaceBook butchered it when I tried to post it. Here it is:

Happy Birthday to Hubby
Celebrating the half-century milestone
With love from your silly wife
Struggling with the last line of this poem.

(When you're from Texas, "stone" and "poem" rhyme).

Also, Hubby says thanks to all of you that commented on his (not the tortured fedex guy's) legs in the previous post. His knee is better and he's almost up to full cat-kicking speed.

Hum....well. You are such the poet... I guess the kitty should keep his distance, huh?

Yep.

Anything else you want to share today, RG?

Of course there is. I won! I won! I won the Golden Phallus!

The Golden WHAT?

Yeah. It's a Golden Chinese Restaurant. I ate there last week.

That would be Golden PALACE, RG.

Whatever. I guess that's why it doesn't look Chinese. I got it from Me-Me-King for winning her caption contest:



Also, that sweet Carolina Girl Ettarose gave me this because I give great bloggy hugs (and real life hugs):



OK. OK. Get off yourself ReformingGeek!

Aw, Gosh Dern It. Can't a girl have some fun?

**Yawning** Sure. OK. WHAT ELSE?

I told Nooter I'm sending him my *cat. He has a bird problem:


**Rolls eyes** Nice. Is that it, RG?

Yep. All done. Thanks.

*Believe it or not, this poor kitty is not my useless beast. It showed up via email. I think it must be a clone, though.

Stupid is the NEW...

Forget that title.

Stupid is still stupid:

Stupid is texting while driving.

Sheesh! I can't even walk and chew jerky at the same time.

Stupid is forgetting your child in the car on a hot day.
How do you forget your child?

Stupid makes the news:

I read an article in the local newspaper (yes, I do that occasionally) about a man that was arrested for taking a picture of another man in the locker room without his permission. Yes, the man was naked. When asked why he took the photo, the suspect said he liked the man's physique. Hum....I wonder if he had nice buns?

There's more. The guy apparently left his camera in the locker room under a bench where it was found by another man and his young son. They discovered photos of sexual acts and the naked dude and the police were called.

In other local news, a lady thwarted a home invasion by throwing billiard balls at the intruders.
I like this women. She's NOT stupid. I think we should have coffee and some buns sometime.

To top off the week, Hubby had arthroscopic surgery on his knee last Wednesday. The doc said he's old (lots of arthritis, possible previous injuries, and a torn meniscus). OUCH! The meniscus has been repaired/removed/replaced with a rubber band and poor Hubby has two little holes in his knee and it's swollen. I'm sure the doc was digging for buns gold in there. Afterall, he has to be pay for his next boat/house/vacation somehow.

For some reason, I seem to be wanting something to eat. Something that you bake.....

Because of the swelling, Hubby gets one of these:


That's right. The super-duper POLARCARE ice unit from Hell. This thing hates me. It splashes water on my floor and carpet, sucks up ice faster than a keg on hot summer night and weighs 50 million pounds.

Yeah. I'm exaggerating but I'm determined to figure out how to manage this thing before Hubby doesn't need it anymore. The geek in me has designed an almost foolproof process:

1. Secure patient in recliner near hearth.


2. Make sure laptop, remote, iPhone, and cordless phone are within reach.
3. Make sure Cat is not within reach. Patient may be tempted to throttle Cat.
4. Unplug device and disconnect device from patient, allowing it to drip all over patient's leg.
5. Remove hose from device and place on towel. Do not strangle patient with hose.
6. Take device outside and dump out the water. Avoid splashing Cat or any other furry beasts. Bring the device back inside and place on hearth.
7. Proceed to your ice storage area that's holding the four 10-pound bags of ice you purchased earlier in the day. Bring back one 10-pound bag. Open the bag using the scissors you have placed at the work site.
8. Pound ice into submission by hurling it against the hearth.
9. Place device on hearth. Pour most of the ice into the device. Fill with water (stored in a handy 1-gallon pitcher) up to the identified line inside the device. Place the pump in the device. Put the lid back on the device.
10. Reconnect patient to the device and plug in the power cord.
11. Push the detonator.

Wait. That last one came out of nowhere. Sorry about that.

It's chilly here this morning but we may get to the see the sun today. That's great because our neighborhood is turning into a lake and I've forgotten what the sun looks like.

Source: locker room photo story and billiard balls story: Fort Worth Star-Telegram

Photo credit: buns: shuttergirl3 on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar)

Jersey Joe, The Gigolo

If you're here for Humor Bloggers dot com roast week, you're in the right place. Monday, Chelle, from The Offended Blogger, was on the stove (click here for the recipe), and today, Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, is taking the heat. Joe's been a bit under the weather but I'm not letting that stop me from this roast.

Now back to the title.

Gigolo? Our Joe? I wanted to get your attention and I'm sure that title was influenced by my evil twin but it just might apply. Read on.


Since I've previously cooked up our buddy Joe up in Jersey (click here) and even bought him a new couch (and here), I decided to put a special twist on his roast today. I have outlined a new blog for him with a few pictures to help set the theme. I'm hoping it will be successful.

Crotchety Old Buffalo Head-Butts Cars

I. Tales of my wild youth.
I was a lone buffalo in a field full of cows and.....


II. How I led the herd to the promised land.
Back in the day, we were hunted almost to extinction. I was above all that and kept the herd focused until we reached Jellystone....


III. My life as a paid tourist attraction.

That's right. I discovered life is so much easier when I'm fed the remnants from those tiny, silly stupid-looking two-legs inside those four-legged stink machines.....

Once Joe starts bringing in the $ from this new blog, I want my cut.

There you have it. Joe's been cooked again. Best wishes, Joe, and I hope you're back to blogging craziness soon!

Photo credits: Joe's Buffalo: Martha Simmons on tour in Yellowstone

Where the WILD Chelles Are

This is so exciting. Humor Bloggers dot com is hosting a roasting event this week. Chelle, from The Offended Blogger, and Da Old Man, from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, will be cooked. After a little sleuthing, I'll be serving Chelle over rice today.

I love cooking. My kitchen is all organized, my seasonings are out in those cute little bowls, and I just finished watching Big Brother boot out the chef on Hell's Kitchen after the contestants whacked a pinata of Rachael Ray to bits. Wait. I don't think I got that quite right....

Sigh. It's probably best that I stick to the subject.

I put on my best sleuthing outfit and off I went to look for some dirt on Chelle. She gives us the impression that she is this blond chic from Idaho who likes horses and Jesus tacos and has a problem with her head. This woman is a few trees short of a forest but contrary to what we've heard she obviously loves trees and spotted owls and such:

I luv me some trees and owl is oh so tasty!

A few days later, I saw a different side of Chelle. She has a very strange hobby. That's right. She likes to play dress-up and the costume below must be one of her favorites. I followed her from her ranch one day. She grabbed her rifle, hopped on her horse, and rode into the forest. I lost her for a few minutes (that must have been when she changed into her costume) but I soon picked up her trail. I'm sure she intended to find food for the family (her rifle must be hidden inside the costume) but she was distracted by a device that claimed tacos were inside of it. Here's the photos:

Jesus? Tacos? Me want.

I need to spend some time in the weight room. This is tough.

It took her awhile to get the thing open and then.... THERE WERE NO TACOS! I've never seen a bear girl so angry. The photographers I hired were taken in two quick gulps. Dessert was the chocolate syrup inside the can.

I'll settle for chocolate to help with the digestion.

She was very convincing and since I'm afraid of bears, I crapped my pants grabbing the cameras before they could be eaten. I had to be excused so I could not confront her with this madness.

Now you know. I'm always amazed at what I find on my sleuthing trips.

I've had so much fun today. I think Chelle is about cooked and ready to serve. Would you like calf fries with that?

Check out Humor Bloggers dot com and Sanity on Edge for links to additional Chelle roasts.

Photo credits: spylady: istockphoto.com, treehugger: merwing*little dear on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Chelle/bears: Martha Simmons while on tour in Montana

A Fork in the Road...or Somewhere

It's been another exciting week around here. That's right. Here's the list of what I've accomplished:

• Re-organized sock drawer: Check
• Cleaned sports/junk/project/crapft room: Check
• Shampooed and vacuumed cat (Oh. I think I see where I went wrong. It was supposed to be CARPET. Oops.): Check
• Turned yoga students into pretzels: Check
• Faked an affluent social life on Facebook: Check
• Swam without drowning: Check
• Bought a Bicycle: CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!!!

Yay! I finally have a bike. Now I need to go ride it.

Enough of that. Didn't I say something about forks?

I'm convinced that someone else besides Hubby, Cat, and I live in this house. Lately, when I've opened the silverware drawer to pull out a small fork, I find that a large fork had infiltrated the small fork slot. WTF? I mean, WHAT THE FORK? Or, as some members of my Texas-born family would say: "WHAT THE FARK"!

Surely someone is coming in at night or when I'm not here and re-arranging my drawer. That must be it because I certainly wouldn't put the forks in the wrong slot while unloading the dishwasher, now would I?

Sigh. I've been feeling so good lately but I must have been fooling myself. I need another vacation.

While looking around for pictures of forks, I found this:


I get frustrated with my hair-throwing, dirt-rolling, clawed critter that looks like a cat but I would never do that to him. Then again, maybe he could use the pitch fork to get the moles out of our yard.

Then I found this picture:


so I poured me some wine.

Along with my wine, I pulled out Skye's granola. That's right. She sent me this photo for naming her harvest granola "Blue Skye's Harvest Granola":


So should I go for a career in Marketing?

Photo credits: devil kitty: geckoam on flickr.com, wine label: fotofill on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar)