Winding Down a Year With Poodles

What? Another year has almost past? It seems like yesterday that I was having fun with what Santa brought me last year. Or maybe I was returning it. I can't remember.

**Sighing**

Yes, I'm getting older. The time flies by but I'm glad to be here. Have you noticed how the most bizarre things happen around "The Holidays". Just a few miles up the road, a car sped off the road, over a guardrail and into a creek. All four passengers have now died, two were dead at the scene. What the accelerator? The theory is that the accelerator pedal stuck which is an apparent issue with that type of car (Avalon).

This morning the newspaper reported that they were from a local church that was canvassing the neighborhood. My question is was the Reaper there for all of them or just one?

Note to self: Be careful getting into a car with other passengers.......YIKES!

Also, my second cousin and his wife lost their son earlier this month. It's a very sad story of a young person not able to find himself.

This post is getting too deep for me, unlike our latest SNOW. That's right. WE HAVE (or maybe I should say HAD) MORE SNOW! It stuck to the grass last night but the city facility where I teach on Wednesdays is delaying their opening today so I don't have to teach my class. I do have to get my hair done, though, and I hope my stylist made it in from west of town in order to prevent me from looking like this:

Fido models "The Silver Reffie"

Things have been slow this week. This weather is messing with my outside running schedule. Yesterday, I ran in the snow. Yes, I am THAT crazy. I didn't even take water with me. I just stuck out my tongue when I got thirsty. I got a bit wet, but it wasn't that bad.

My gloves soaked up the giant snowflakes so my hands were cold. I stepped in enough puddles to cause my shoes to squeak. My feet felt like icicles but other than that, no sweat. Well, there was sweat, but we won't discuss that. Afterall, women glisten, right?

I'll leave you with a few Texas novelties: First, from the peopleofwalmart.com site:


Hubby saw this car the other day. What the tailgate?

Down in Austin, it's a little more laid back at Christmas:


My friend took this photo on her way to New Braunfels. Where else but in Texas would you find such a fascination with armadillos and no, they really aren't that big!

Tune in Sunday for the start of Knucklehead's Blogger Idol contest. While suffering from temporary insanity, I signed up to be a contestant.

**Smiling and blinking**

I love, love, love all of you. Please vote for me next week. Whatever I write will be the best. Whatever I WRITE will be the best. Vote for me. Me. Me. I am open to bribes....

OK. OK. I don't like the begging part of it but I think the contest will be fun.

I do love all of you, though.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be careful out there.

Photo credits: Fido: The Pack on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Austin decorations: LAWilson

Ringing in Christmas with a Blizzard, Texas Style

White Christmas in Geekville

Thanks to all of you that stopped by and commented on my Christmas Eve post, even if you made fun of my "Toe Sox". Yes, Deb, I wore them outside of the house. I went to the gym, taught my Pilates class, and went to the grocery store where I encountered a pharmacy clerk NOT noticing the joy and magic of Christmas. Then again, maybe she didn't like my socks and flip flops.

**Sighing**

We survived what the weather folks are calling the snowstorm of the century. Yes, it was a white Christmas in north Texas and in other parts of Texas ("out west") where some travelers were stuck on the interstate watching for Santa and his reindeer. The Department of Public Safety closed the freeway Christmas Eve evening because of snow and ice. Don't worry. It re-opened mid-morning on Christmas. I can see these alternate lyrics for Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer in my head:

Grandma froze her arse off in west Texas
On the way to our house Christmas Eve
You can say we don't believe in snowplows
'Cause it only snows like this every century.

All kidding aside. The snow came so fast that there wasn't time to get sanding crews out before the roads were too treacherous for further travel. I'm sure it was a miserable night for the folks that were stranded although there were reports of people helping each other out with food, warmth, and water. I guess there is some magic to Christmas afterall!

The roads in our area of north Texas were bad enough that a normal 35-minute drive Christmas Eve evening took two hours and a normal 20-minute commute to Hubby's mom's house on Christmas Day took an hour. We had to sand our driveway before we could get up to the street. That bag of kitty litter in a bucket in the garage came in handy!

As for gifts, I went overboard on Kitty's gift. Look at his new curly mouse tail:


Yeah, I know it's ribbon attached to a stuffed snowman but I don't think Kitty does. Shhhh.

Besides lumps of coal, Hubby and I were given one of these:


Hum, maybe if we put those together...

Just kidding. We did receive nice gifts and for the most part, our gift recipients enjoyed their gifts. Who would have thought that kiddos don't like nuts in their fudge? Oops. We had a nice time visiting with family and stuffing our faces. The best gift I can receive, though, is for my family and friends to be safe, healthy, and happy. That includes you, my bloggy friends.

For some reason, my clothing is fitting a bit tighter today. I will admit that I have been over-indulging just like the rest of you. Don't try to tell me that you have not been over-doing it. I know you people.

This year isn't over yet. I may have to try out my Christmas gift from Bee, the Rum-Baller 2000, to say farewell to 2009 and ring in 2010. After that, Mr. Piper and I will be having a little talk. But for now, it's time for a nap.

**Yawning**

Photo credits: ReformingGeek with her new Canon PowerShot!

Christmas Eve, Bright Lights and Ghosts of Grandma Past

Uh oh. I've just been informed that it's Christmas Eve. What the Manger? Everyone seems so busy. Was I supposed to be doing something?

There's a small tingle in my brain. It's there. I can almost feel it surfacing.

Oh, wait. WHAT IS THIS?

**ReformingGeek notices a piece of paper on the floor. It looks like some sort of list. The word "Gifts" is scribbled at the top.***

Huh. I wonder....

Oh well. I'm sure Hubby will let me know if I've missed something.

Anywhatsit, the talking weather torso on the TV is saying something about snow. No. It can't be. It was almost 80 degrees yesterday. I wore flip flops (with my yogi toe socks!) I went for a bike ride. The cat was hot and was throwing hair left and right with most of it landing on my keyboard. Sheesh!


Snow. Well, Gosh Dern It! What time of the year does Mother Nature think it is? Christmas?

I guess I'd better find my parka and maybe a sled in order to get over the hill and through the woods to Grandma's house. Actually, it's Mom's house. There is no Grandma. She was abducted by the aliens in 1980. We occasionally have seances to try and reach her but nothing's worked so far.

**Sighing**

At least she wasn't run over by a redneck hunter chasing a white-tailed deer on a local deer lease reindeer.

I hope everyone has a joyful, safe holiday.

**Noticing bright lights in the sky**

I see the alien ship signaling. Maybe Grandma's up there. I'll check. Be right back.

Photo credits: Airplane Santa: cropped image of the back of Hubby's new shirt, ReformingGeek's flip flops, ReformingGeek

Check Humor Bloggers Dot Com for more Christmas funnies during this week's carnival.

Secret Santa, A Christmas to Forget!

**Evil laughter**

Oh, my poor unsuspecting...er...friend. Secret Santa (that's me) has a treat for you this Christmas. I shopped for hours, hand-picking these special and truly unique doggy treats just for you. That's right. Nooter the Dog (Nooter) is my unlucky recipient this year.


ReformingGeek!

Yes?

You wrote the post before Bee informed you of your Secret Santa Can Suck It sucker recipient.

You weren't supposed to tell, Dufus Evil Twin. At least I let Cat help and I revised my post....a bit. Can I get on with it? I can see poor Nooter about to pee on the rug in anticipation.

Sure. Whatever.

Thank you.


Christmas is such a MAGICAL time of the year.

Ah, elf that. Let's find some magical fun with a few of these things:


That's right. With these.....er....garden ornaments, your human will be the envy of the neighborhood (or your human will attract the aliens, the silent black helicopters, or an ogre or three).

Put that back leg down, Nooter! Those aren't hydrants. They are magic mushrooms. Sheesh! Your treats are coming up soon.


Next, by relying on my paparazzi skills and using the Google to study your human, I've discovered that he is, without a doubt, completely and thoroughly BATTY. I have found the perfect decoration for his den:


I'm sure his family members and friends will appreciate this eerie creature and its unnatural love of gravity. Nooter, you might want to tell the human NOT to replace those ball bearing eyes with red lights for an incredibly creepy experience next Halloween.

Um, Nooter. Your mother called. After bringing in a neighbor's poodle to help translate, I discovered she found your blog and is upset with your language. She asked me to help you CLEAN it up a bit. Let's start with this stuff:


This "Wash Away All Sins" soap swishing in your mouth for awhile should satisfy your mom's request. Also, I can see hours of entertainment for your friends in the near future as they watch you fart bubbles out of your butt.


Because of your intestinal distress and constipation from the soap, a different type of CLEANSE is needed. Don't worry. I have the perfect solution:


Yes, that's ice cream just for you Nooter! Note to human: That top scoop is prune ice cream. Nooter may need an extended play date at the park.


Last but not least, this gift is from Cat. He's been working on this contraption for years. It's finally made it to market and you will be one of the first recipients:

As you watch the birds fly into your....er...Kitty's mouth, you'll think of me. (Hum....I hope Cat is not too upset that you'll be getting his birds.)

Merry Christmas, Nooter!

**Evil laughter**

For links to all the Secret Santa Can Suck It posts, check out Bee's Musings on Tuesday, December 22nd.

Photo credits: Wind & Weather catalog: Magic Mushroom Garden Ornaments, Batty Decor, and Fat Kitty Birdhouse. Dirty soap: ES on flickr.com, Ice cream: Ulterior Epicure on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar).

Twas the Weekend Before Christmas...

The school bells have rung
Releasing the prisoners for winter break.
That incompetent Grinch has failed again
For this dang holiday is here make no mistake.

OK. That's enough of that. I have no time for poetry today. Somehow Christmas has decided it will be here next week whether I'm ready or not. I'm choosing "ready" so I will be a busy little beek geek today.

Speaking of next week, be sure to check in here in Blogville. Besides Santa shimmying his fat a** down your chimney carrying your prezzies (socks, Disney boxers, fur-trimmed lingerie, ill-fitting colorful sweaters, a Snug-Wow, garden gnomes, etc.), Humor Bloggers Dot Com is having a Christmas carnival all week. Check out the site for links to hours of interrupted entertainment while you attempt to get everything done for the holiday.

I plan on being there and I sure hope they have a Ferris wheel. I have not been on one of those things in years. Maybe that has something to do with me being scared of heights. Oops.

Also, Bee from Bee's Musings is doing another round of Secret Santa Can Suck It! Read about the thoughtful gifts we select for our unsuspecting recipients had we actually cared enough to shop for them. These posts are scheduled for Monday, the 21st. My poor recipient will not know what hit them. Hee hee.

*****UPDATE***** Secret Santa Can Suck It will be on Tuesday, the 22nd!

My break time is over. It's back to the kitchen for me. Have a great weekend!

Bling, Bling for the Square Geek!

Yippee and a big Yeehaw! I got blog bling:


I'm very happy I got something new for my sidebar because I'm having such a hard time winning the pile of crap (caption contest) from Etta.

A huge hug and a big thank-you for Mama-face over at Blog Never Ignorant for giving me a couple of awards. There is a slight problem, though. They come with insteructionas, destructions, instructions. Yeah. It's cold here. My brain fog froze.

**Thawing**

I have to name five of my favorite things:

1. Pulling my prisoners' teeth
2. Digging large holes

REFORMINGEEK!

Yes?

Put Evil Twin back in the attic and try again.

Oh, alright.

In no order:

Eating, Drinking, Merry-making, Hot showers, Warm beds

With friends, of course.

WAIT.

OTIN! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER OR I WILL THROW THE CAT IN THERE WITH YOU!

NOOTER! GET OUT OF MY BED! Yes, you are a cute dog but Hubby does not like to share, 'K?

Sheesh! You have to watch these bloggers. You never know what they get up to when you're not looking.

Mama-face was very generous. I also got a circle:


I'm so glad because I'm such a square. It's nice to finally fit in that round hole. The problem is that she forgot to tell me the password.

**Sighing**

Now I must pass these on to other bloggers. I picked a few of you guys this time:

Nooter
MikeWJ
UberGrumpy
MARVIN, The Old Silly

Enjoy your diamonds and welcome to the inner circle.

Geek in the Kitchen: Winners Announced!

I know you have been anxiously waiting for me to announce the winners of the Geek Fudge and Rum Balls Lottery. First, I have a wonderful, life-changing opportunity I'd like to share with you.....

Just kidding.

As expected you guys were very creative and a bit naughty with some of your lyrics. Here are a few of my favorites:

I SAW MOMMY SHAVING SANTA CLAUS
UNDERNEATH THE BATHROOM LIGHT LAST NIGHT

I saw Mommy rubbing Santa Claus
Underneath the red velour last night.

I SAW TIGER KISSING SANTA CLAUS
WHICH BRINGS THE TOTAL TO 29 AS OF LAST NIGHT

I saw Lecter eating Santa Claus
With fava beans and chianti chilled just right.

i saw reffie with her warm rum balls
doing 'the hustle' on the countertop last night

OK. OK. I'm getting to the winners. I'm sorry to say that Cat, as usual, was not up to his simple assignment of selecting three winners from the bag of entries. I even put the mouse in the bag to get his attention. But then he decided that chasing things outside was more desirable and whined to have the door opened for him. (He said something about the lack of opposable thumbs.)

Since I'm the door slave around here, I got up to let him out. When I got back, I asked Cowboy Santa to do the honors.

Um, wait. Where IS that mouse?

Huh. Well. Maybe it will turn up later.

**Hearing screams from the kitchen**

Oh, there it is.

"Sorry, Hon. Can you get that for me?"

"You can just put it outside, 'K?"

"You might want to get down off the chair first."

What a guy. So *brave.

Let's get back to Cowboy Santa. Get ready. He's going in!


And the winners are:

QuirkyLoon from Musings of a QuirkyLoon
Marvin from The Old Silly's Free Spirit Blog
Nooter from Nooter the Dog

Congratulations! Please email me at caroljean.fo at gmail.com with your address and tell me if you want fudge, rum balls, or both. Thanks to everyone for re-writing those lyrics. All of you did a great job!

P.S. Just to make it more clear: The entries themselves were not judged. Cowboy Santa, in place of Cat, pulled the winning names out of the bag (e.g. luck of the draw)!


*ReformingGeek Hubby is actually very brave, ridding our home of any and all pests. Occasionally, I ask if Cat can come back in, though.

Warning: Geek in the Kitchen - Blog Give-away!

It's that time of the year again. That's right. Baking season. It's been cold here so the oven and stove have been working overtime helping me make yummy goodies. Since I'm such a nice geek (when Evil Twin is locked in the attic), I've decided to share some of the goodies with my favorite people.

I called Will Smith and Kiefer Sutherland.

I'm waiting on them to return my calls.


**Crickets**


**Jeopardy Theme**


OK. OK. I give up. Now what am I going to do with this stuff?


**Clicking noises in brain**


I've got another idea. Maybe I can give some to you guys!

Yes, I will do that. Here's the plan:

THREE of you will be the lucky recipients of chocolate fudge and/or rum balls. Here is a post from last year with photos and yes, you can have both.

All you have to do is play my little game.

Game, you ask?

Yes. Replace a few words in this snippet from a Christmas non-favorite and come up with something amusing. Well, even it is not amusing, it still counts. Just play already. Here is the original lyric:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.

Your mission is to change it up a bit. Be creative. I KNOW you people can do this! My example:

I saw Mommy burying Santa Claus
Underneath the barn last night.

Details, details:

• A comment with a snippet gets ONE entry. (You can enter as many comments/snippets as you like.)
• If you comment with a snippet and mention the game on your blog, you get ONE entry.
• If you win, I will need a valid address so I can give you your balls send you your goodies.
  

I will take all of your entries and throw them, and a mouse, in a big box. Cat will then be asked to pull out the three winners. (I hope he gets the mouse, too.)

Winners will be announced Sunday, 12/13/09, so put your Santa thinking caps on and start typing.

Finally, to keep you in the holiday spirit, I found this cute photo on flickr:

What? I saw a squirrel in the tree.... No really.

Photo credit: Yum Photography on flickr.com, Creative Commons license (See sidebar.)

The Twin that Stole Christmas

Evil Twin has kicked a snoozing ReformingGeek (Reffie) and Cat off the cushy, comfy couch. She sits down with the lap beast and starts to respond to a Christmas *meme....

1. Have you started shopping?

Of course. I've bought the gifts for me already.

2. Tell me about one of your special traditions.

The Geeks leave the Christmas tree lights on for Santa Claus all night on Christmas Eve.

3. When do you put up your tree?

Whenever Reffie gets a round tuit. I've noticed that Hubby Geek must have one already as he stepped outside to search for outside decorations.

4. Are you a Black Friday shopper?

No, but I spray painted all the garland black this year. Does that count?

5. Do you travel at Christmas or stay put?

I'm not allowed out of the house.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory?

Laughing at Reffie's attempts to become ONE with the decorating.

7. What is your favorite Christmas movie of all time?
Sybil

8. Do you do your own Christmas baking? What is your favorite Christmas treat?

Reffie does the baking as I'm not allowed in the kitchen after that unfortunate incident a few years ago. I have her make fudge and rum balls for me, though.

9. Fake or real tree?

The Geeks had to downsize to a smaller, fake tree because my toys (various books on mind-control, torture, and how to sell body parts on Ebay, etc.) take over all of the available areas in the den where a tree could be placed. They are disinclined to move furniture.

10. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?

Replacing Reffie's prezzies with lumps of coals, using Reffie to make snow angels, strategically placing whoopie cushions to surprise unsuspecting guests, playing with the kitchen torch near the Christmas tree, etc.

11. What is your favorite Christmas crapft?

Making Voodoo Dolls of Reffie wearing a candy cane ribbon (see sidebar). That silly little dog is listed on Ebay and somebody from Korea is already bidding on him.

12. What is your favorite Christmas song?

Send Reffie Away in a Manger.

Uh oh. Reffie is waking up. Gotta go....


**Yawning** I wonder what all of that was about.

Anyhowsit, I've done a little decorating.

First the decorations must be exhumed:


Yep. They are in the back of the closet under the stairs, with an almost fool-proof system for storage. Hubby made that wooden box that fits exactly in place under the stairs.

I got a few things out:


I love my little Taco Bell dog and I decided to let him catch the eagle this year. We all know it's usually the other way around. Yes, that is Cat sleeping off his exhausting day.

Here is my naked animal....er...naked tree. It takes less than one minute to put it in place:

We have another, larger tree but it was not playing nice during its photo session.

I think that's enough for now. Martha Stewart called. She said she is pursuing legal action against me.

*Meme found over at Blog Ignoramus. Mama-face is having a Christmas give-away. Get there quick because the deadline is Wednesday.

Photo credits: ReformingGeek's furry friends have Christmas: ReformingGeek

Seasonal Introspection

What IS this thing called Christmas? What is the reason for the season? Is it because Jesus, the taco guy, has a birthday?

Oh, sorry. Wrong Jesus. Basically, the birthday celebration was chosen to coincide with other "pagan" celebrations this time of the year. Personally, I think we should celebrate Christmas in March but, surprisingly, I have no phone messages from anyone in authority asking my opinion. As a matter of fact, few people ever ask my opinion. ;-)

ReformingGeek sighs loudly.

It's best to get on with it.

Have you noticed how mainstream Black Friday shopping has become? I have heard of some folks that get almost all of their shopping done on Black Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I've heard folks discussing their strategies. One would think that if this much effort is put into their daily jobs or their daily lives, amazing things could be accomplished.

I find the idea of staying up all night in a line outside the toy store so my child can get that special toy ridiculous. That's just me and I don't have kiddos but there was no way in Hades my parents would have ever done that.

You would never guess the economy is in bad shape based on the number of people I have encountered shopping this week.

Organizing who gets what and how much to spend can be frustrating. Hubby and I buy gifts for his cousin's kids and we were told what NOT to buy before we even got suggestions as to what the kids would like to have. Hum....part of me understands that as the parents have to deal with everything that comes into their home but on the other hand, it seems to miss the spirit of the season.

Finally, I have some hard evidence that there are aliens spying on us. One of their ships obviously landed on this previously inflated decoration:



Notice the strategic placement of this inflated Santa on an airplane. The lighting guided the ships to an open area for landing. They even left us some crop circles.



I think they took my wreath up for experimentation. They did not return it to its expected round shape:


Crazy aliens! I thought we had a deal. I have offered them Cat numerous times.

Wait. Maybe I can get them to help me decorate this weekend.

Photos: ReformingGeek snapped the photos of inflated and deflated Airplane Santas around the neighborhood. Yes, that is ReformingGeek's front door with the wreath from Hubby's company hanging on it.

Let's Get this Season Started

Thanksgiving: PASS

So what's next?

Did you say Christmas?

Well, yeah, but I'll get to that later.

It's time to get my act together for the winter racing season. That's right. See Dick run. See Jane run. See Dick and Jane.....

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes?

Behave.

Dang.

What I'm trying to discuss is running. It's time for me to pick up the mileage and get ready for Cowtown 2010 in February. I'm planning on doing another half marathon. Finishing medal #2 of 5 has my name on it.

Well, not really, but it is part of a 5 piece set. I got the first one last year. These people know how to make money. If you miss a year, you can still order a "commemorative" medal for your collection.

Hum......ReformingGeek's brain is making clicking noises...



Anywhatsit, I told Hubby I was going to the park to run 8 miles. I offered him the opportunity of bringing his bike and riding circles around me screaming "Faster, Faster" but he declined. So what did he do instead?

He watched a movie. If you say anything about how he had time to watch a movie while I ran, I will throw something at you.

ReformingGeek sticks out tongue.

Sometimes, my evil twin makes appearances when I'm running.

We've had some nice weather lately and there were lots of folks at the park, including clueless kiddos on bikes. One of them passed me on his bike, giving me about six inches of space and then proceeded to stop right in front of me. AAAAAARRRRRGGGH!!!! Did this child not understand the laws of physics? I put my arm out to brace myself and it landed on his back. The poor thing probably thought I was shoving him. Evil Twin scolded him trying to quickly explain that one cannot do that and expect to survive.

ReformingGeek scolded me
and threw my bicycle in the creek.

No I didn't. Really. That's not even the same kid. He's too young to be on a bike. Sheesh!

Let's move on to Christmas, and yes, I'm OK with calling it Christmas. My friend and I went to see Santa. I know it's early but we were hoping to avoid the long lines. We sat in his lap and asked for stylish clothing and adult-sized bodies with boobies:


I can't wait to open gifts at Christmas this year...

Photo credits: sad child, theFrazers on flicker.com, Creative Commons license (see sidebar), Santa's lap: Facebook application sponsored by RadioShack, Running Reffie, White Rock 15K July 2009

Survival of the Fattest

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, even those of you from Canada. You celebrated back in October and we barely noticed. You didn't complain. Apparently, you Canadians are much more civilized.

Hum....maybe you have us fooled. Perhaps you are plotting a takeover. Is it because you'd like better choices for Mexican food and a few more warmer days?


Thanksgiving not only brings copious amounts of yummy body-expanding foods, it gives us the tradition of FOOTBALL. What else are you supposed to fall asleep doing but watching football? Our local professional team, the Dallas Cowboys, who usually pull a win out their a**holes, have done that again, this time winning their division.


Yeehaw and whatever. I used to love the Cowboys back in the Tom Landry days. He was a class act and so were many of the players. Now days? Not so much.

College football is also big, of course. Two of the infamous Texas teams, The Aggies (Texas A&M) and the The Longhorns (University of Texas) traditionally play on Thanksgiving. I have friends from the Always-the-Butt-of-the-Joke cult and from the Big-Cow-with-Long-Head-Ornaments cult so I get to play both sides. Yes, they are cults. These people never get over it, especially if they were Aggies.

As for our Thanksgiving meal, the pumpkin pie was conquered and put in its place. We ate the entire pie in one sitting. TAKE THAT, MR. SNOTTY PUMPKIN PIE!






Did I say waist-and-hip-expanding foods were consumed?

Hubby just found this picture of me on the Internets:


I think I'd better go for another run.

I'm not sure what Kitty ate but WT-Fur?

What? Iz not fat.
It's extra skin....er...hair.

Happy Black Friday. May you not stand in lines or get punched by crazed parents wanting the latest fad toy. The highlight of my shopping day may be a trip to Home Depot.

Yeehaw.

Photo credits: Fat lady: Gonzalo Fernandez, Fat cat: Pamcash, flickr.com Creative Commons license

Food with an Attitude Still Gets Eaten

Hubby is not overly fond of turkey. Me? I love it but I also love Hubby's family's tradition of Mexican food on Thanksgiving or Christmas or just about any time.

Over the last few years, our combined families have tried to alternate between the pilgrim traditional and the Hubby traditional. Here's the menu for this year's celebration at the Geek household:

• Spanish Spare Ribs (It's almost like a stew: pork with Mexican seasonings, prepared by RG)
• Spanish Rice (Sister-in-law makes from scratch)
• Flautas/Taquitos (homemade by RG)
• Pinto Beans (loaded up with plenty of gas for our farting pleasure)
• Tamales (Mom is bringing these. I don't really want to know where these come from....)
• Guacamole (Wait. Green stuff? Uh oh.)
• Chips and Salsa (duh)
  
• Spiced Pecans (Nuts for the nutty, pecans with a sugar and cinnamon glaze)
  
• Pumpkin Pie (RG is trying a new recipe. Wish her luck.)
  

Oops. Did I say Pumpkin Pie?

I did, didn't I?

I just couldn't resist stealing from the pilgrim tradition.

There's a problem, of course. The Pumpkin Pie has developed a bit of an attitude and is complaining about being on the menu with what he described as "pond scum". I tried to explain that none of the food swims therefore it couldn't be from a pond. I still don't think he understood. I'm not sure I do either.

Reforming Geek sighs in frustration with Pumpkin Pie's snotty attitude.

Wait. Does this pie know my cat?

I countered with offers that his beautiful orange color will be the centerpiece of our meal, telling him that he is certainly the sweetest dish and is a true reflection of the season.

He called me a liar and threatened to hurl himself out of the oven onto the floor. I told him that he'd better clean up his act or I'll tell him where he really comes from:


If the menu caught your interest and you'll be crashing my party, be prepared. I need help with the dishes and there are leaves to rake. That's right. The tree poop (leaves, twigs and other detritus) has taken over again out here. You can have some pie after you finish the work.

Have a great holiday. Be thankful, healthy, happy, and, of course, humorous!

Photo: I'm so thankful for friends that send me Email.

Injustice is Only a Few FLUSHES Away

I put on my best "unhappy" face and have another injustice for you today. Actually, it's a rant but work with me here.

You have Facebook and Jacki to thank for the idea. She sent me a "note" on Facebook and requested that the responses make her laugh. I gave it my best shot on Facebook but decided to revamp it a bit for you guys.





It's simple. It's a template for an open letter:

Dear _______,
I ____ you.
You have a nice ______.
You make my/me_______.
You are a _________.
You should _______.
Someday I will ______.
You + me = ________.
If I saw you on the street I'd __________.
I want to ________ you.
I would build a _______ just for you.
If I could sing you any song it would be _________.
We should __________ under the stars.

Love, (or From)
_______________

(P.S. ______________.)

I can see some of you frothing at the mouth but, no, I didn't let my mind go to the gutter. It only made it as far as the bathroom:

Dear Low-Volume Toilet,

I loathe you.

You do have a nice shine.
But you make me waste my time.

You are a cold-hearted miser.
You should be replaced by a commode much wiser.

Someday I will conquer you.

You + me = aggravation.

If I saw you on the street I'd crack your shiny armor with my pickup truck.

I want to have more respect for you.
I would build a bathroom just for you.

If I could sing you any song it would be You're So Vain (you probably think this poem is about you..).

We should never ever meet under the stars.

Yours in frustration, ReformingGeek

(P.S. I'm going to go flush you again. Let's look like something actually happened this time, 'K?)

Have a great weekend and it's still not too late to get some help bringing home the bacon....er....turkey this weekend:


Photo: Baby with ax: "Bad Parents" email sailing around the Internets.

Injustice is Only a Few Ticks Away

I can't believe there is so much injustice in the world. Maybe that's why Humor Bloggers Dot Com has declared this month to make fun of injustice in any way we possibly can. That's why I'm back to do my part and no, today's topic is not about those blood-sucking mini-vampires that attack warm, moist, hairy bodies in the summer time.

Hum...It was warm here last week.

Excuse me while I go do a body check.


OK. All clear. Back to the post.


I'm referring to my poor neglected timepiece. That's right. My watch. I used to wear Miss Minnie all the time but since she stopped ticking and only shows the correct time twice a day, I stopped wearing. I haven't missed her much. Around the house I use my oven clock or the computer clock or even the clock on one of several telephones.

In a geek perfect world, all the house clocks would be synchronized. But they're not. Not even close. I think we have one thermostat clock that is about 20 minutes off. Note to self: FIX THAT TODAY.

In the car, there's a clock. At the gym, clocks, clocks everywhere, and, no, none of them are reporting the same time.


That reminds me of a group activity that we did as part of a beginning fitness instructor training class. We had to draw a picture of the perfect instructor. Everyone always drew her/him wearing a watch because we all knew that good instructors wore watches to make sure they accurately start and end class. This is in the old days before you could say "What time is it?" and a handheld device would answer you back.

ReformingGeek yawns in memory of that particular training class.

What else did we draw on that poor model? I'm glad you asked. We drew the hair pulled back out of the face and the model was wearing appropriate clothing and shoes. (Sorry guys, no boobs popping out.)

I'll take a guess at what some of you guys would draw on a female instructor model: Revealing clothing and..... Forget that. She would be nude with big boobs and voluptuous curves. The ladies would show the guy model with six-pack abs and striking a sexy pose, right?

I cheated and substituted the following photo for my instructor model:


I was pulled aside for a little chat. Sigh. I had to conform. Now THAT was an injustice.

As for my lonely timepiece, I could get a new battery for Ms. Minnie but I think I need a LARGE PRINT version. DANG! That's another injustice.

It never stops....tick, tick, tick.

Photo: Will Smith and Ms Minnie were coughed up by the magic of the Google.

Don't Blame the Dog

A friend sent me an email awhile back. It was a series of photos and the subject was "what chefs do when they're bored". As I started looking through the photos, I realized that most of the food items tend to be a little bit on the....er.....gassy side. That's when my mind went back to junior high and how someone on the bus nearly always farted on the way to school and then to how animals are truly masters at passing gas.

I sure do wish THAT school bus memory would fade away. There was always a mean guy at the back of the bus accusing everyone else of farting. Now that I think about it, he was probably the one doing the farting.

My thinking went downhill from there. Please join me in some silliness. What if the chefs were really thinking about bathroom humor when they did these carvings? The captions might look a bit like this:

Mo-om! Davey is blowing bubbles out his butt again!

We fart in your general direction.

I smell frog. Sheesh! Did one of you eat a
frog from the previous photo?

Eventually, we will evolve and be able to fly.
Here's how you poop on cars.

OOPS! I just crapped my pants.

Next time, take the purple pill before you eat, OK?

I feel much better now. Thanks for letting me get that out of my system (yeah, pun intended).

Cat joins ReformingGeek on couch, rubs face against gray lap beast, curls up, and closes eyes..

DANG! What IS that smell?

Oh. Thanks, Cat.

Photos: Photos of artwork from bored, gassy chefs digesting in the innards of Al Gore's massive Internets.

Injustice Exposed: And the Password Is...

Thanks to all of you that commented on my Veterans Day post. What a great response and shout out for veterans. Now I must look for some funny. I love to laugh but one can only look at so many cute animal pictures and watch so much Big Bang Theory and 2.5 Men and a Baby.

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes.

That's not the name of the show.

I know. I'm trying to make a joke. Would you just laugh already?


Do you ever feel you are on the outside looking for the inside? Are you wanting to know how to fit in or are you figuring out if you even care about finding your niche in life? Everyone else is a member of some special "club" and you are....er....well.....just you.

Well?

This post will answer none of those questions.

As part of the fight against injustice, I've joined forces with Humor Bloggers Dot Com to expose the greatest criminal organizations in the history of our country.

That's right. I've discovered that this country is full of secret societies and they all have some special means of communication that is baffling to the common geek:

1. Country Folk.

When you live in the country, and you encounter a neighbor while driving, you give "the country wave", a full wave if you're a plebe or a slight head nod or finger lift if you're an oldie.
That's right. A secret sign letting everyone know you're part of the club, just like them.

Wait. What club? I'm a little scared. I just watched the pilot of the new (new old show) V and we all now that there are zombies out there.


2. Jeep owners.

Apparently, all jeep owners have to wave or nod to each other while on the road. Hubby says "It's a Jeep thing. You wouldn't understand." Yeah, right. I think he stole that from a bumper sticker. Jeep owners seem to be part of a club that supports the tow truck industry.



3. Shrunken Car Red Hat Society.

Theses are the folks that drive Smart Cars and wear red hats.

Uh, ReformingGeek?

Yes.

Were they wearing purple with their red hats?

Oh, PU-LEASE! They weren't wearing red hats, OK? I'm just kidding. Let me get on with it, OK?

Anywho, these drivers are out of proportion compared to their cars, appearing as giants in too-small prisons. They look like they should be pushing those things around a Hot Wheels track. Not only do these folks wave or nod, they toot. No, I'm not talking about passing gas. They honk their horns at the other Smart Car drivers.

What the noise? They need to get over themselves before my mid-size SUV runs over them. What club are they in anyway? Some kind of hive? Are these just the scout cars I'm seeing?


4. The Masons

I have no clue. Like I said, it's a secret. I have no idea what these folks do behind closed doors. Maybe they try on women's underwear and take photos for Facebook.

Kidding. Kidding. Please do not throw mason jars at me, OK?

Yeah, I know that was bad.

5. Tree huggers.

Oh, wait. I should know this secret. I like trees and cute little animals and yoga, but I apparently didn't stand in the correct line to get the sign. I don't wear a turban, carry a PETA sign, or go around bowing and saying "Namaste" to everyone I meet.

Oh,well. I'm just a square geek in a round world.

**Sighs**

The injustice of it all.

Photo: The Internets coughed it up when I typed the secret code into the Google.

The Injustice of Life and Death

I'd like to take a little break from snarcasm and humor today. I feel moved to do more than just "think" about our veterans today. Last week has shown us that the ultimate sacrifice does not have to be far from home. I'm sure you have heard what happened in Fort Hood, Texas, last Thursday. It breaks my heart that someone would harm other soldiers and civilians serving a country that has given us so much.

No matter how you feel about the current administration or even if you think the country is going to Hell in a Hand Basket, please be grateful today, if only for a moment. In that moment, please honor those that have died for our country and find a soft spot in your heart for the families of those killed last week and for those that were injured.



If you have served in the military or are currently serving, please feel free to SHOUT IT OUT in the comments section today and a big Texas THANK YOU for your service.

***APPLAUSE***

Photo: Fort Hood, flag at half-mast, Photo Phiend on flickr.com, Creative Common license (see sidebar).

Geek's Guide to Nude Cruising

Did that title get your attention?

Do you think I went on a nude cruise?

Well......

**Sighs**

Alas, I did not but there was a ship docked in Cozumel that was rumored to be a "Clothing Optional" cruise. Hum....I don't think I'd want to sit down anywhere on that ship. Also, cruise lines make a small fortune selling you photos staged by their photographers. Can you imagine being one of the photographers on that particular cruise?

You didn't hear this from me but you might want to include the word "Miracle" in your youtube search....

Although we had some seriously party-hardy folks on our cruise, most of them were from Texas where beef and homemade pie is plentiful. The skin we saw was whatever was hanging out/over/around the swimwear and we were happy that the other pieces and parts were not visible.

To put it bluntly, most of our passengers qualify for a new website I'm designing. Surely you've heard of peopleofwalmart.com. If you have not, you must have a life or something. Anywho, you must go there but come back. There's more. My new site will be peopleofcarnival.com.

Oh, wait.

We had a cross-dresser on board (or maybe it was an East German swimmer from the 1980's). We think "he" was traveling with his mom. His photos displayed in the photo gallery were entertaining to say the least.


No, that wasn't him but I think that's the look he was attempting to put together.

Somehow we missed the triple margaritas at Senor Frogs in Cozumel. I'm still kicking myself although Hubby and I were enjoying ourselves at the beach with an open bar. Hubby had some Mexican beer but I was taking it easy. Yeah. I'm sure my Diet Coke was better than those margaritas. We met up with some of our travel companions coming out of Senor Frogs and they were weaving on dry land trying to make it back to the ship. It's a good thing the ship was "parked" just outside of the restaurant.


We visited a Mayan ruin. Apparently, one theory is that the Mayans sacrificed the winner of their sports competition along with a few kiddos and adult males here and there. I was standing next to one of our friends while we were looking at the sacrificial altar. I gave him my best evil look and told him he had been deemed worthy of sacrifice. I think I scared him and he was looking suspiciously at my backpack. Maybe he thought I had a knife.

Beware of geeks carrying packs near sacrificial altars in Mexico.


I wonder if any of the peddlers at the ruins have been reported missing?

If you've made it this far, you deserve a gold star or at least a pin shaped like the cruise ship. This next section tells you what you've known all along. There is STUPID everywhere.

On the next to last day of the cruise, the cruise director gives a debarkation talk informing guests how to get the Eff off his boat. That's not what he said but I think that's the general idea by the end of the cruise. Part of the presentation is the director's top 10 list of the craziest/most stupid questions guests have asked over the years. I love hearing these. I remembered eight and I threw in my own two cents.....of course!

1. Does the crew live on board?
[No. The helicopters deliver them every day.]

2. Is there a generator on board?
[No. We have a very long extension cord.]

3. What do you do with the ice sculptures once they melt?
[Um.....]

4. An older woman gets on an elevator, notices the cruise director, and asks him if this elevator is the one that goes to the front of the ship.
[Yeah, and the transporter room is around the corner.]

5. A group of older women were staring at the floor/deck indicators above the elevator. When the cruise director approached them to ask if they needed help, they asked "How the heck are we supposed to reach those buttons"?
[Um.....just push the up/down button that's in front of you, 'K?]

6. A guest asked the cruise director if the water in the pool is fresh or sea water. The director didn't think that was too bad until he answered the question with "It's sea water" and the guest responded "That must be why the water is so rough then".
[Um......could it be that the boat is MOVING?]

7. A guest called Guest Services and an employee answered the phone identifying herself by saying her name and her native country, "This is Joanna from South Africa". The guest hung up and when asked why later, the guest said "I was wondering how in the heck I got through to South Africa. I didn't want to pay for that call."
[Moan.]

8. A woman called Guest Services complaining that her microwave isn't working. The Guest Services agent was concerned that someone had somehow brought a microwave on board and called Security. Security goes to the woman's stateroom and when shown the "microwave", they discovered two pieces of pizza in the room safe.
[Oh. My. Gosh Dern It. Unbelievable.]

There you have it. Cruise ship antics. People are such easy fodder, aren't they?

Photo credits: Geek packing heat: ReformingGeek Hubby, Cross-dresser: some website, Mayan sacrificial alter: ReformingGeek.